The Situation Buys A Bentley
Really, I don't need to wake up to headlines like that. It sounds like a children's early reading book. The Situation Buys A Bentley. The Situation Makes 5 Million A Year. The Situation Sandblasts His Cold Sore.
My poison pen post on money, perception, sycophant spiritual advisors, wholesome crackwhores, and "thriving" in the new economy follows.
For those who do not know, "The Situation" is the name of one of the cast of the American reality TV series "Jersey Shore." He's famous for being an ignoramous, party-living "guido" with nice abs, fake orange tanned skin, and numerous sexually transmitted diseases. He sneers like Billy Idol's porn doppelganger and lifts his shirt up a lot. And now he's very rich and about to be all the more over American TV than he already is, having been cast in next season's Dancing With the Stars.
And this morning the Huffington Post informed me, in a flash of knowledge contained in a headline that I can't take back now if I tried, that he has purchased a Bentley. What will this worm of knowledge do to my mind today? I was trying to be zen today, my first day off of five. I didn't need to think about sneers, abs, or Bentleys.
Then I read a piece in the Huff Post's "Living" section, which stands for "Shady Non-Scientific Claims About Things That Allow Us To Give Advice On Things," about how we think about the "depression" we're in. The gentleman, one Arjuna Ardagh, identified as an "awakening coach, writer, teacher and public speaker," begins his post on 'How To Thrive Authentically in the New Economy' thusly:
"Sometimes it seems like all we hear these days is talk of the tough economy. I actually conducted a little sociological experiment this weekend, and counted up how many times I heard people refer to the economy in a negative way. I got 43 hits, even though I stayed home quite a bit."
Tipping off right away that he is speaking to people who may be 'hearing' about the 'tough economy' a bit more than people who may be 'getting destroyed' by it or 'losing everything,' he goes on to acknowledge: "There is, of course, some objective measurable truth to all of this depressing talk."
Oh, well, good then. It's not all crazy talk to be a little worried about charging your groceries to Citibank. Or blowing the mechanic for half-off reduction on the brake job. Okay, I was going to blow the mechanic anyway, but still. There is dignity and there is dignity, and how you think about an event dictates whether you're a "Thriver" or not, in the gentleman awakening coach's terms, in the new economy.
He brings out the typical deep thoughts on changing times, how a hundred years ago if you'd been in the horse buggy business things weren't looking so swell, but by God if you're Henry Ford! As if it weren't already abundantly clear that this awakening coach wasn't plying his advice my way, he points out some of the ways that this 'tough econony' can affect 'you:'
"If you own a house, it's probably worth considerably less than it was five years ago. If you own a business, you may be making less money than you were, and you may have even been faced with the difficult decision of laying off some of your employees. If you're an investor in the stock market, you may have seen your portfolio go down in value."
How does one "thrive" after having to go to through the trauma of firing people, you may ask?
The awakening coach has a plan, and its a plan of perception, internal perception, a plan to change your mind about how traumatic it may have been to fire a few people, to have to wait another year to sell the house, or forego purchasing the yacht this year. Well, before sharing his little wisdom nuggets, gentleman Ardagh conducted his little 'sociological experiment' on his friends:
"But not everybody these days is having a terrible time. I've conducted another little amateur sociological experiment over the last several weeks. I asked a lot of my colleagues -- writers, teachers, seminar leaders -- how they would evaluate their year so far, not just financially, but according to a broader spectrum of measurement. How are your relationships? How's your creativity? How's your health? How much are you living your deepest vision? I'm a member of two extraordinary mens' groups, one where I live in Nevada City, and another that I travel to in Marin County. .... More than half the people I asked told me that 2010 was proving to be their best year ever, myself included."
So the sycophant class who make their living making the rich feel better about the trauma of having to hear about the 'tough economy' are doing fine. Just in case any of you were worried. I plan to waltz to downtown Los Angeles immediately after sunset tonight to inform the thousands of homeless people per block who live in cardboard boxes. If I see The Situation there getting a slurpy from a crackwhore in the back of his Bentley, I'll inform him, too.
So what can one do in these tough times to keep a positive outlook?
The first thing that "Thrivers" do is question their mind! "Thrivers like Hale Dwoskin, the author of "The Sedona Method," realize that we become wise through letting go." So let go of the memory of the unemployed, the foreclosed upon, or the homeless children. That's step one.
(I shudder to think what The Sedona Method is, but don't care to google it. Why waste more precious minutes of my life going there? I'm surmising that each of these "thrivers" he mentions in the example is another member of his coaching sect, someone with a specialized skill that after you attend his workshops will be able to help you with other, more refined or specific problems.)
Then there's step two, which is to "discover your deeper nature," which no doubt requires the guidance of an awakening coach. (My awakening coach, by the way, is Frank, my cat who comes and sits and stares at me when he deems it time for me to awaken. If you'd like to inquire after his services, just leave your credit card information in the comments section below.) Once you perform a sort of colostomy on your mind and discover the deeper purpose in the bowels of your skull, you will reach step three, which is to "recognize your unique gift."
And remember: "Thrivers help others to discover their true gift." True, but they never get invited back to parties afterward. (In case you're not recognizing them, "thrivers" is the little name sycophants and rich folk apparently have for what the rest of us call annoying people.)
The next few steps we've all read on self-help calendars or contained in fortune cookies before, and of course there's some "truth" in each and every one: Recognize and respond to opportunity! Excel at what you do! Wake up your intuition! (Again, Frank can help do this by attacking you while you're seated on the toilet. Leave your credit card info below.) Be yourself! Enough is enough! (Once you've made a cool billion, it's okay to chill a while and not strive to acquire more. Really, it's cool.)
But then we get to number 9. That magical, mystical number 9. "Be guided by greatness." And what does it mean to be guided by greatness? It seems to mean to me that you should hire an awakening coach:
"People who thrive in the new economy have discovered that learning is not just a phase you go through as a young person. It's a life-long attitude to thriving. To be able to remain a learner, you simply need to put yourself in dialog with people who can do things better than you can. Thrivers like John Assaraf realize that coaching and mentoring are the short-cuts to a life of meaning."
Numbers 10 through 12 bring it on home. Fuel the fire. Experience the richness of giving. (Again, giving to Frank, leave credit card info below.) And number 12 is to Embrace the return of the Goddess. "You may have noticed that we are now witnessing a huge resurgence of feminine energy after thousands of years of the domination of the masculine. Thrivers like Marianne Williamson celebrate and welcome the return of the feminine."
The feminine dollar bills finding their way into her pockets, that is.
In the end, the gentleman awakening coach who asks, "What would the Goddess do?" concludes that inviting you to attend his seminar would be the most femininely holy thing he could do to help you thrive in the new economy: "I put on a great tele-seminar on August 26th. We went into each of these 12 primary qualities of thriving in more detail. You can register below for the replay."
And just to further share his unique gift with you, he ads helpfully: "If you register for this event, I'll let you know as soon as the twelve week series is scheduled to start."
Thanks, thanks, yes, thank Arjuna, and thanks for coming to the party. No, no, of course you can take that plate of snacks with you. I'm sure your car ride home will be long, and you'll need to thrive along the way.
*Sound of door hitting Arjuna's backside on the way out.*
These are modern day Robin Hoods. They steal from the rich and share their snake-oil, sanctimonious gifts with the rest of us.
My poison pen post on money, perception, sycophant spiritual advisors, wholesome crackwhores, and "thriving" in the new economy follows.
For those who do not know, "The Situation" is the name of one of the cast of the American reality TV series "Jersey Shore." He's famous for being an ignoramous, party-living "guido" with nice abs, fake orange tanned skin, and numerous sexually transmitted diseases. He sneers like Billy Idol's porn doppelganger and lifts his shirt up a lot. And now he's very rich and about to be all the more over American TV than he already is, having been cast in next season's Dancing With the Stars.
And this morning the Huffington Post informed me, in a flash of knowledge contained in a headline that I can't take back now if I tried, that he has purchased a Bentley. What will this worm of knowledge do to my mind today? I was trying to be zen today, my first day off of five. I didn't need to think about sneers, abs, or Bentleys.
Then I read a piece in the Huff Post's "Living" section, which stands for "Shady Non-Scientific Claims About Things That Allow Us To Give Advice On Things," about how we think about the "depression" we're in. The gentleman, one Arjuna Ardagh, identified as an "awakening coach, writer, teacher and public speaker," begins his post on 'How To Thrive Authentically in the New Economy' thusly:
"Sometimes it seems like all we hear these days is talk of the tough economy. I actually conducted a little sociological experiment this weekend, and counted up how many times I heard people refer to the economy in a negative way. I got 43 hits, even though I stayed home quite a bit."
Tipping off right away that he is speaking to people who may be 'hearing' about the 'tough economy' a bit more than people who may be 'getting destroyed' by it or 'losing everything,' he goes on to acknowledge: "There is, of course, some objective measurable truth to all of this depressing talk."
Oh, well, good then. It's not all crazy talk to be a little worried about charging your groceries to Citibank. Or blowing the mechanic for half-off reduction on the brake job. Okay, I was going to blow the mechanic anyway, but still. There is dignity and there is dignity, and how you think about an event dictates whether you're a "Thriver" or not, in the gentleman awakening coach's terms, in the new economy.
He brings out the typical deep thoughts on changing times, how a hundred years ago if you'd been in the horse buggy business things weren't looking so swell, but by God if you're Henry Ford! As if it weren't already abundantly clear that this awakening coach wasn't plying his advice my way, he points out some of the ways that this 'tough econony' can affect 'you:'
"If you own a house, it's probably worth considerably less than it was five years ago. If you own a business, you may be making less money than you were, and you may have even been faced with the difficult decision of laying off some of your employees. If you're an investor in the stock market, you may have seen your portfolio go down in value."
How does one "thrive" after having to go to through the trauma of firing people, you may ask?
The awakening coach has a plan, and its a plan of perception, internal perception, a plan to change your mind about how traumatic it may have been to fire a few people, to have to wait another year to sell the house, or forego purchasing the yacht this year. Well, before sharing his little wisdom nuggets, gentleman Ardagh conducted his little 'sociological experiment' on his friends:
"But not everybody these days is having a terrible time. I've conducted another little amateur sociological experiment over the last several weeks. I asked a lot of my colleagues -- writers, teachers, seminar leaders -- how they would evaluate their year so far, not just financially, but according to a broader spectrum of measurement. How are your relationships? How's your creativity? How's your health? How much are you living your deepest vision? I'm a member of two extraordinary mens' groups, one where I live in Nevada City, and another that I travel to in Marin County. .... More than half the people I asked told me that 2010 was proving to be their best year ever, myself included."
So the sycophant class who make their living making the rich feel better about the trauma of having to hear about the 'tough economy' are doing fine. Just in case any of you were worried. I plan to waltz to downtown Los Angeles immediately after sunset tonight to inform the thousands of homeless people per block who live in cardboard boxes. If I see The Situation there getting a slurpy from a crackwhore in the back of his Bentley, I'll inform him, too.
So what can one do in these tough times to keep a positive outlook?
The first thing that "Thrivers" do is question their mind! "Thrivers like Hale Dwoskin, the author of "The Sedona Method," realize that we become wise through letting go." So let go of the memory of the unemployed, the foreclosed upon, or the homeless children. That's step one.
(I shudder to think what The Sedona Method is, but don't care to google it. Why waste more precious minutes of my life going there? I'm surmising that each of these "thrivers" he mentions in the example is another member of his coaching sect, someone with a specialized skill that after you attend his workshops will be able to help you with other, more refined or specific problems.)
Then there's step two, which is to "discover your deeper nature," which no doubt requires the guidance of an awakening coach. (My awakening coach, by the way, is Frank, my cat who comes and sits and stares at me when he deems it time for me to awaken. If you'd like to inquire after his services, just leave your credit card information in the comments section below.) Once you perform a sort of colostomy on your mind and discover the deeper purpose in the bowels of your skull, you will reach step three, which is to "recognize your unique gift."
And remember: "Thrivers help others to discover their true gift." True, but they never get invited back to parties afterward. (In case you're not recognizing them, "thrivers" is the little name sycophants and rich folk apparently have for what the rest of us call annoying people.)
The next few steps we've all read on self-help calendars or contained in fortune cookies before, and of course there's some "truth" in each and every one: Recognize and respond to opportunity! Excel at what you do! Wake up your intuition! (Again, Frank can help do this by attacking you while you're seated on the toilet. Leave your credit card info below.) Be yourself! Enough is enough! (Once you've made a cool billion, it's okay to chill a while and not strive to acquire more. Really, it's cool.)
But then we get to number 9. That magical, mystical number 9. "Be guided by greatness." And what does it mean to be guided by greatness? It seems to mean to me that you should hire an awakening coach:
"People who thrive in the new economy have discovered that learning is not just a phase you go through as a young person. It's a life-long attitude to thriving. To be able to remain a learner, you simply need to put yourself in dialog with people who can do things better than you can. Thrivers like John Assaraf realize that coaching and mentoring are the short-cuts to a life of meaning."
Numbers 10 through 12 bring it on home. Fuel the fire. Experience the richness of giving. (Again, giving to Frank, leave credit card info below.) And number 12 is to Embrace the return of the Goddess. "You may have noticed that we are now witnessing a huge resurgence of feminine energy after thousands of years of the domination of the masculine. Thrivers like Marianne Williamson celebrate and welcome the return of the feminine."
The feminine dollar bills finding their way into her pockets, that is.
In the end, the gentleman awakening coach who asks, "What would the Goddess do?" concludes that inviting you to attend his seminar would be the most femininely holy thing he could do to help you thrive in the new economy: "I put on a great tele-seminar on August 26th. We went into each of these 12 primary qualities of thriving in more detail. You can register below for the replay."
And just to further share his unique gift with you, he ads helpfully: "If you register for this event, I'll let you know as soon as the twelve week series is scheduled to start."
Thanks, thanks, yes, thank Arjuna, and thanks for coming to the party. No, no, of course you can take that plate of snacks with you. I'm sure your car ride home will be long, and you'll need to thrive along the way.
*Sound of door hitting Arjuna's backside on the way out.*
These are modern day Robin Hoods. They steal from the rich and share their snake-oil, sanctimonious gifts with the rest of us.