Rant time.

Oct 23, 2004 02:41

I'm tired. Tired of everything. Tired of just being mediocre. Tired of working my ass of to get things a way that works only for some small monkey wrench to be thrown in and screwing it all up. Tired of not being good enough. Tired of working for every little thing I have only for someone else to either do the same thing easily because it comes naturally or for someone else to do it better only because they have had nothing else to do besides that for so long that is all they know. Tired of being unattractive, unwanted, unimaginative, uninspiring, unloved, unpopular, just generally un-something. Tired of (insert something here). Tired of it all. I am sure you all know the feeling too. The feeling of trying and working your ass off to get where you are, only for someone else to come and shatter it or to do it so well and so easily that it makes you feel like all that you have done to that point to become as good as you are is worth nothing. Righteous Indignation aside, what can we say that we are truly good at without someone else immediately coming to mind that does it better, easier, and/or faster than we can. I know that we are all competitive animals when it comes to things we can do, but don't we all have to have one thing that we are good at? One thing that we can say that we enjoy doing and are good at. And what if that one thing we are good at is something that no one else cares about? Something like playing a particular video game, or being able to write an essay on obscure topics only you like. Does that make us special? No. It doesn't. And when we work and practice and try and sacrifice as much as we do to learn and grow, only to find that someone else has beaten us there, it is very discouraging. When someone else is just better at everything than you are, it makes you just want to find something that you are good at that he/she isn't. Say you are out playing pool, talking with some people you met and are trying to make friends, or something as simple as just being somewhere, when something or someone comes in and destroys what you thought was going good. Once is usually okay. Twice starts to strain your patience. Three times and I start to contemplate murder. I start to imagine what killing this person would be like. To beg them to just leave me alone to the little niche I have carved out formyself. To. Leave. Me. Be. I know that most people want to show others how good they are at something and generally "show off", but we don't like for someone who is better than us to come in time after time, kick our asses, and leave with a simple "well, I had fun. See you later". It pisses me off. Is it arrogance that makes people do this? To show others that "hey, I can do this better than you can." "Watch as I kick your ass." Or the favorite, "hey, it's just a game." Yes, it is just a game. To you. It is always easy to say shit like that when you win all the damn time. Is it just me? Am I the only one who is tired of others doing things easily that I try so hard to do? And is it wrong for me to feel this way about someone who has over a decade of experience on me? Probably not. But that doesn't stop these feelings. And I know this is probably a stupid thing to get pissed about, but I am tired of putting up with it. I am tired of not sticking up for myself. I am tired of being taken advantage of and then looked at like I am crazy for lashing out after I have hit the "all I can stand" mark. I know other people are like this. It is just that most other people's mark is a lot lower than mine. Does that make me a "nice guy" for taking other peoples crap more than normal? Or does it just make me a sucker? I have a theory. And I have thought this for a very long time. The old saying that "nice guys finish last" is because it takes the nice guys a long time to turn into the ass-holes that everyone seems to like. I know I have seen my fair share of the ass-hole looking great, being good at everything, getting the girl, and generally having a better life than me while I struggle for every little bit I get, and I am tired of it. I have tried to be the ass-hole. The people who I hung out with before I became the ass-hole no longer wanted anything to do with me and the people who liked the ass-hole knew I was probably faking it. So, I am trapped between the proverbial "rock and hard place." So what do I? Roll over and take it up the ass like I have been? Let those that will continue to walk all over me without telling them to fuck off? Or do I roll back and fight back? That is the unanswerable question. For while the nice guys will help you in any way they can by giving you all the information they can, the ass-holes hold onto their coveted secret. Ironic, that.

"Something told me to tell you"
"Not to, tell me what to do"
"I am what I fucking am"
"Many have tried to change this man"
"Life's always been to another place"
"Some things I do you may not like"
"Life's always been to another place"
"Some things I do you may not like"
Coal Chamber - Something Told Me

So, what do I do? Continue to try. Become more and more bitter and cynical until it finally explodes and the ass-hole is born? Or just say "fuck it" and stop trying so hard and let things happen as they will and let those who will, like me for who I am now and not try to change me? Or stay the nice guy and let the world continue it shoveling of shit onto me until I snap and go completely nuts and do a re-enactment of random American Post Office and Columbine? Is there some sort of "happy medium" between the naivety of youth and the bitterness of age? How much more is required to be sacrificed? My happiness? I am tired of sacrificing. The old saying of "if you love something, let it go. If it loves you, it will come back" is getting very old. Above all, I am tired. Tired of sacrificing and giving up my own happiness for the sake of others. I want to be selfish, dammit. I want to be happy for once. I want. I just fucking want. Is that so wrong? For someone, once in a very long time, to want something for themselves for a change? To want to be happy instead of making sure everyone else is? To stop being lonely? To stop being bad at everything? To finally, finally be able to smile and mean it instead of it being a mask? I am so tired of it. So god-damned tired.

On that note, I'm going to bed now.
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