(no subject)
So I haven't done anything with this journal in about 2 months. I haven't had time between a job that takes 24-28 hours of my week, school, about 2-4 hours of homework a night, college crap, I've had no time what so ever. Each week I say I'll catch up on my sllep, I'll be able to catch up on homework, on friendships. But everyweek I fall more and more behind.
I feel I'm running after something that is totally uncatchable probably because I can't define it. I don't feel I know what I want.
I hate how I don't have any deep friendships. I love to meet people but I can't get close to them. I feel as they won't understand me. I have never had a best friend. Someone to tell what I am really feeling, to hang out with, to spend my time with. All my close friends have left. They went to college and they don't care anymore. The people who were brothers and sisters to me now seem not to care. Those people I try to get close to now just seem to not have me on their list of things they care about.
People expect me to be happy all the time. This makes me want to be happier to meet their expectations but then I go overboard and annoy them and they end up not liking me anyway.
Every day, I say 'today's the day, I'm going to start living for God' but it never works. I'm so gaurded of my emotions I can't give them up. And end up failing. Then I stop caring. And when I stop caring, my life falls apart.
I have given up the pursuit of the girl that I have liked for over a year. Now I have found a girl who makes me happy, makes me feel as though I can forget about my concern when I'm around her. But I have a weird feeling, not bad or good just weird, about our relationship.
I'm tired of managers at work yelling at me, every night, for things I haven't done or aren't my fault and not listening to me when I try to defend myself.
I hate how my senior year, which is supposed to be my best year, is more stressful than all the rest of my life put together.
I have been scarred so deep by life and cold despair, and brittle bones were broken far beyond repair. I have leveled lies so deep, the truth may never find. And inside my faithless heart, I stole things never mine. If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor, Dear Father, I will see you, there on distant shores.
I have toiled for countless years and ever felt the cost, and I've been burned by this world's cold, like leaves beneath the frost. On my knees I've crawled to You, bleeding myself dry. But the price of life is more, than I could ever buy. If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor, Dear Father, I will see you, there on distant shores.
And off of the blocks, I was headstrong and proud, at the front of the line for the card-carrying, highbrowed. With both eyes fastened tight, yet unscarred from the fight. Running at full tilt, my sword pulled from its hilt. It's funny how these things can slip away, our frail deeds, the last will wave good-bye. It's funny how the hope will bleed away, the citadels we build and fortify. Good-Bye.
Night came and I broke my stride, I swallowed hard, but never cried. When grace was easy to forget, I'd denounce the hypocrites, casting first stones, killing my own. You would unscale my blind eyes, and I stood battered, but more wise, fighting to accelerate, shaking free from crippling weight. With resilience unsurpassed, I clawed my way to You at last. And on my knees, I wept at Your feet, I finally believed, that You still loved me.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again. Jesus Christ, Light of the World, burning bright within our hearts forever. Freedom means love without condition, without beginning or an end. Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours, only You can make every new day seem so new.
I feel I'm running after something that is totally uncatchable probably because I can't define it. I don't feel I know what I want.
I hate how I don't have any deep friendships. I love to meet people but I can't get close to them. I feel as they won't understand me. I have never had a best friend. Someone to tell what I am really feeling, to hang out with, to spend my time with. All my close friends have left. They went to college and they don't care anymore. The people who were brothers and sisters to me now seem not to care. Those people I try to get close to now just seem to not have me on their list of things they care about.
People expect me to be happy all the time. This makes me want to be happier to meet their expectations but then I go overboard and annoy them and they end up not liking me anyway.
Every day, I say 'today's the day, I'm going to start living for God' but it never works. I'm so gaurded of my emotions I can't give them up. And end up failing. Then I stop caring. And when I stop caring, my life falls apart.
I have given up the pursuit of the girl that I have liked for over a year. Now I have found a girl who makes me happy, makes me feel as though I can forget about my concern when I'm around her. But I have a weird feeling, not bad or good just weird, about our relationship.
I'm tired of managers at work yelling at me, every night, for things I haven't done or aren't my fault and not listening to me when I try to defend myself.
I hate how my senior year, which is supposed to be my best year, is more stressful than all the rest of my life put together.
I have been scarred so deep by life and cold despair, and brittle bones were broken far beyond repair. I have leveled lies so deep, the truth may never find. And inside my faithless heart, I stole things never mine. If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor, Dear Father, I will see you, there on distant shores.
I have toiled for countless years and ever felt the cost, and I've been burned by this world's cold, like leaves beneath the frost. On my knees I've crawled to You, bleeding myself dry. But the price of life is more, than I could ever buy. If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor, Dear Father, I will see you, there on distant shores.
And off of the blocks, I was headstrong and proud, at the front of the line for the card-carrying, highbrowed. With both eyes fastened tight, yet unscarred from the fight. Running at full tilt, my sword pulled from its hilt. It's funny how these things can slip away, our frail deeds, the last will wave good-bye. It's funny how the hope will bleed away, the citadels we build and fortify. Good-Bye.
Night came and I broke my stride, I swallowed hard, but never cried. When grace was easy to forget, I'd denounce the hypocrites, casting first stones, killing my own. You would unscale my blind eyes, and I stood battered, but more wise, fighting to accelerate, shaking free from crippling weight. With resilience unsurpassed, I clawed my way to You at last. And on my knees, I wept at Your feet, I finally believed, that You still loved me.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again. Jesus Christ, Light of the World, burning bright within our hearts forever. Freedom means love without condition, without beginning or an end. Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours, only You can make every new day seem so new.