Ow.
I feel gross and weird and tired. Packing to move by Saturday. So much left to get done.
And yet, when I came across my folder of "Reasons I Hurt" stuff I couldn't leave well enough a lone and cram it in a box or take it out back and burn it, I had to go through it all instead.
And I feel like I'm back where I was 5 years ago, I feel a connection with that kid. And the worst thing is that from here I can see how totally insane he was, and broken and angry, and yet, those feelings are superimposed on ME because I AM that kid, or WAS. So now I've got ghost feelings from back when I thought everyone had abandoned me and hated me, and there's this message running around in my head in red and orange lights, "Bradin Was Right, You Were a Vile Person Who Only Hurt People Around Him. And How Have You Changed?"
I know I have. And yet, have I? Now I'm all unsure. As unsure as I was 5 years ago. I let a poltergeist back in, and now I need an exorcist. Damn.
And yet, the thing that keeps me from just dumping all that crap is that it's a record. This is part of the strata of my life. It may be sad, it may hurt like a giant splinter, but it's PART OF ME. I don't know if I can just get rid of that. Hide it, yes. Abandon it? I don't know.
And yet, when I came across my folder of "Reasons I Hurt" stuff I couldn't leave well enough a lone and cram it in a box or take it out back and burn it, I had to go through it all instead.
And I feel like I'm back where I was 5 years ago, I feel a connection with that kid. And the worst thing is that from here I can see how totally insane he was, and broken and angry, and yet, those feelings are superimposed on ME because I AM that kid, or WAS. So now I've got ghost feelings from back when I thought everyone had abandoned me and hated me, and there's this message running around in my head in red and orange lights, "Bradin Was Right, You Were a Vile Person Who Only Hurt People Around Him. And How Have You Changed?"
I know I have. And yet, have I? Now I'm all unsure. As unsure as I was 5 years ago. I let a poltergeist back in, and now I need an exorcist. Damn.
And yet, the thing that keeps me from just dumping all that crap is that it's a record. This is part of the strata of my life. It may be sad, it may hurt like a giant splinter, but it's PART OF ME. I don't know if I can just get rid of that. Hide it, yes. Abandon it? I don't know.