"And yes, the time has come for us to say goodbye..."
Well, that's that then. PA is over. There's only a fat lady in its place, singing.
I feel a bit adrift. Number one, I ain't ne'er been a fan o' change, and number two, PlayersAnonymous was my major (and I mean Ma-hay-hay-hay-jor) source of social interactions for the better part of a decade. The people there were, no are, my friends, my family. I like them, want them, need them. Without PA, I don't interact a whole lot with the world at large.
I understand Miriam's reasons for ending it, letting it go - ten years is a long time to invest into any project, and she's much more a creature of change than I - so I don't begrudge that. I'm looking forward to figuring out how to make my way in the world without that site, too. Force me to look for friends in other (hopefully real life) places. I'm ready to start a clean slate, I am okay with the end. I'm even okay with the moment it ended, and how it did. I'm pleased that the last post in the public part of the board was mine, and that it was in the Doctor Who thread.
And yet I feel sad. Elle, a couple days ago, as a last "moment" revived an old PA tradition, the Spread The Love thread, which is usually only done on or around Valentine's Day and in which everyone lists their PA friends and what they like or love about them. I have a hard time with those threads because I feel so bad leaving anyone out (I don't want to be seen as "not nice"). But this time it seemed to stick to just the core of us. And so many people say they see me as intelligent, brilliant, witty, and causing them to laugh every day; as brave, as talented. I love the assessments. It's how I wish I saw myself. I'm too old to fake modesty anymore, I think, but I've trained myself to demur and it's easier to say Pshht! to the sentiments than to admit that though I don't feel it, I really do want to be as funny and brilliant and talented as they seem to see me. I very much liked that thread and saved it. My post to them in it went as follows:
Re: SPREAD THE LOVE 2009
« Reply #24 - on: Today at 12:35pm » Quote Quote Modify Modify Remove Remove
I want to join in too, I really do, but I'm slow of speech and less-able to express my positive emotions. If PA goes down while I'm writing this that's just typical. Wink
I also feel so loved to be singled out in so many of your posts, and though I wish I could do the same, for now I will have to do this in groups.
To my book club peeps and fellow readers - Our live discussions were a joy, our online discussions were too! I loved being side by side with you all as we tried to read 52 books last year. I love finding new things based on your recommendations! Please keep telling me the things you read, because I need it! Even the boring stuff, Professor!
To my fellow Whovians - Kaylee, maybe you know, maybe you don't, just what a wonder you gave to my life when you introduced me to the show. I will be forever changed by this. Swami, your support and excitement inspired me to learn of the legacy, as cheesywonderful as it is. Spiker, if Scott Gill says it's okay, I will happily share John with you, we'll take turns licking. Everyone else, you make me feel in good company! Miriam, watching you discover and develop a love for this show has been a joy - I was seriously afraid you would find it too silly, but you seemed to GET it, just right. Thank you for the amazing wonderful pictures, and the time you gave me to accomplish that.
To my fellow gays - I whined and complained a lot, and disingenuously felt like I was the only gay in the village a lot of the time, but you all really did help make me feel less alone in this place. I may have been a bitch sometimes, but I never stopped seeing you, and loving you for being you. Except that one of you and you know who you are.
To my fellow Libras - I loved that we finally celebrated our wonderfulness together! I honestly feel like I can talk to Libra people best (perhaps because they don't mind me interrupting them because they do it to! :D ) and I think you few for being good conversation, and for making me feel included.
To my fellows who I might have offended - Most of the time I never intended to do so. Thank you for still talking to me anyway.
To my fellows who have forgiven me - Thank you. I grew up here and had a lot of changing and adjusting to do to find myself. Thank you for allowing me that space to develop, and seeing I could be better than I was.
To people who have changed my eye - from politics, to school, to movies, to opinions, to debate, to religion, you have all given me more than I thought I'd ever have, you have helped shape me, and made me into a more rounded person than I would have otherwise been. Thank you for challenging my views! I appreciate that so much.
To people who have watched me grow up - this is a small group, including PIT, and I'm so happy to have had friends for this long Can you believe we're thirty? (or forty-one? or forty-six?) Thank you for helping me become an adult.
To all who've laughed - thank you. I am a clown at heart, and one of the things I want most out of life is to hear other people laughing. Any time you have, and have told me, I have been so happy I can't express it. It is my function.
Thank you PA, thank you for loving me. You've been my family for the last 8 and a half years. I love you online and offline. I intend to keep showing you that offline! Every one of you, from top to bottom, has affected my life. Thank you.
I feel a bit adrift. Number one, I ain't ne'er been a fan o' change, and number two, PlayersAnonymous was my major (and I mean Ma-hay-hay-hay-jor) source of social interactions for the better part of a decade. The people there were, no are, my friends, my family. I like them, want them, need them. Without PA, I don't interact a whole lot with the world at large.
I understand Miriam's reasons for ending it, letting it go - ten years is a long time to invest into any project, and she's much more a creature of change than I - so I don't begrudge that. I'm looking forward to figuring out how to make my way in the world without that site, too. Force me to look for friends in other (hopefully real life) places. I'm ready to start a clean slate, I am okay with the end. I'm even okay with the moment it ended, and how it did. I'm pleased that the last post in the public part of the board was mine, and that it was in the Doctor Who thread.
And yet I feel sad. Elle, a couple days ago, as a last "moment" revived an old PA tradition, the Spread The Love thread, which is usually only done on or around Valentine's Day and in which everyone lists their PA friends and what they like or love about them. I have a hard time with those threads because I feel so bad leaving anyone out (I don't want to be seen as "not nice"). But this time it seemed to stick to just the core of us. And so many people say they see me as intelligent, brilliant, witty, and causing them to laugh every day; as brave, as talented. I love the assessments. It's how I wish I saw myself. I'm too old to fake modesty anymore, I think, but I've trained myself to demur and it's easier to say Pshht! to the sentiments than to admit that though I don't feel it, I really do want to be as funny and brilliant and talented as they seem to see me. I very much liked that thread and saved it. My post to them in it went as follows:
Re: SPREAD THE LOVE 2009
« Reply #24 - on: Today at 12:35pm » Quote Quote Modify Modify Remove Remove
I want to join in too, I really do, but I'm slow of speech and less-able to express my positive emotions. If PA goes down while I'm writing this that's just typical. Wink
I also feel so loved to be singled out in so many of your posts, and though I wish I could do the same, for now I will have to do this in groups.
To my book club peeps and fellow readers - Our live discussions were a joy, our online discussions were too! I loved being side by side with you all as we tried to read 52 books last year. I love finding new things based on your recommendations! Please keep telling me the things you read, because I need it! Even the boring stuff, Professor!
To my fellow Whovians - Kaylee, maybe you know, maybe you don't, just what a wonder you gave to my life when you introduced me to the show. I will be forever changed by this. Swami, your support and excitement inspired me to learn of the legacy, as cheesywonderful as it is. Spiker, if Scott Gill says it's okay, I will happily share John with you, we'll take turns licking. Everyone else, you make me feel in good company! Miriam, watching you discover and develop a love for this show has been a joy - I was seriously afraid you would find it too silly, but you seemed to GET it, just right. Thank you for the amazing wonderful pictures, and the time you gave me to accomplish that.
To my fellow gays - I whined and complained a lot, and disingenuously felt like I was the only gay in the village a lot of the time, but you all really did help make me feel less alone in this place. I may have been a bitch sometimes, but I never stopped seeing you, and loving you for being you. Except that one of you and you know who you are.
To my fellow Libras - I loved that we finally celebrated our wonderfulness together! I honestly feel like I can talk to Libra people best (perhaps because they don't mind me interrupting them because they do it to! :D ) and I think you few for being good conversation, and for making me feel included.
To my fellows who I might have offended - Most of the time I never intended to do so. Thank you for still talking to me anyway.
To my fellows who have forgiven me - Thank you. I grew up here and had a lot of changing and adjusting to do to find myself. Thank you for allowing me that space to develop, and seeing I could be better than I was.
To people who have changed my eye - from politics, to school, to movies, to opinions, to debate, to religion, you have all given me more than I thought I'd ever have, you have helped shape me, and made me into a more rounded person than I would have otherwise been. Thank you for challenging my views! I appreciate that so much.
To people who have watched me grow up - this is a small group, including PIT, and I'm so happy to have had friends for this long Can you believe we're thirty? (or forty-one? or forty-six?) Thank you for helping me become an adult.
To all who've laughed - thank you. I am a clown at heart, and one of the things I want most out of life is to hear other people laughing. Any time you have, and have told me, I have been so happy I can't express it. It is my function.
Thank you PA, thank you for loving me. You've been my family for the last 8 and a half years. I love you online and offline. I intend to keep showing you that offline! Every one of you, from top to bottom, has affected my life. Thank you.