long time no write
why is it that i always want to express myself when shit is bad and not when shit is good? it's been over three months since my last livejournal entry and so much has happened that I CAN'T even begin to tell the whole story - although I can give a jist.
for 6 weeks I taught summer school and for two months I had a pretty serious relationship. this relationship is part of my momentary grief, of course. i met and courted with someone who was absolutely the dream woman that i have desired for many years. never base a deepening relationship on stuff like that. mirishae was the shit - 5'10", half black, half white, thin, excellent body, beautiful. this was especially nice because she fulfilled many of my short man complex fantasies. physically, our shit clicked. but after 2 months, i realized that deep down she didn't satisfy me. she is uneducated. i don't want to act like i am standing high on my college graduate pedastol, but she was missing many essential elements that stimulated me in any other way than physically. As our relationship progressed, I realized that my attitude towards her began to change. there became a point when i began to retract a little in terms of my interest in maintaining the intensity that we both kept together. she obviously noticed this and so our relationship turned.
my dumb ass does this everytime. with marie (my BIG time ex)i did the same thing, in a similar sense that i began to retract - although for different reasons. i couldn't quite make a decision to myself whether or not to end the relationship or not. each time i chose to continue it for one reason or another. mostly because i was and still am scared of being alone. that scares me more sometimes, the lonliness, than the reality of a bad relationship. in each case it bit me in the ass because the pain of the result of each relationship hurts more than the pain which would have come from me deciding to leave. my desire to leave ulimately led my partner to decide to leave and in each sitaution has cause me much pain.
tonight was one of those nights that just stung and stung. oh well. i should have learned from the last time. the sad part is that i still like this girl very much and feel like i fucked up. that is the nature of it and the nature of the postition that i put myself in. live and never learn i guess.
alright, enough of my sob. good things have been happeing too, but who ever writes about those? good feelings never seem to leave quite the lasting effect that bad feelings leave on the soul. why the fuck is it like that?
for 6 weeks I taught summer school and for two months I had a pretty serious relationship. this relationship is part of my momentary grief, of course. i met and courted with someone who was absolutely the dream woman that i have desired for many years. never base a deepening relationship on stuff like that. mirishae was the shit - 5'10", half black, half white, thin, excellent body, beautiful. this was especially nice because she fulfilled many of my short man complex fantasies. physically, our shit clicked. but after 2 months, i realized that deep down she didn't satisfy me. she is uneducated. i don't want to act like i am standing high on my college graduate pedastol, but she was missing many essential elements that stimulated me in any other way than physically. As our relationship progressed, I realized that my attitude towards her began to change. there became a point when i began to retract a little in terms of my interest in maintaining the intensity that we both kept together. she obviously noticed this and so our relationship turned.
my dumb ass does this everytime. with marie (my BIG time ex)i did the same thing, in a similar sense that i began to retract - although for different reasons. i couldn't quite make a decision to myself whether or not to end the relationship or not. each time i chose to continue it for one reason or another. mostly because i was and still am scared of being alone. that scares me more sometimes, the lonliness, than the reality of a bad relationship. in each case it bit me in the ass because the pain of the result of each relationship hurts more than the pain which would have come from me deciding to leave. my desire to leave ulimately led my partner to decide to leave and in each sitaution has cause me much pain.
tonight was one of those nights that just stung and stung. oh well. i should have learned from the last time. the sad part is that i still like this girl very much and feel like i fucked up. that is the nature of it and the nature of the postition that i put myself in. live and never learn i guess.
alright, enough of my sob. good things have been happeing too, but who ever writes about those? good feelings never seem to leave quite the lasting effect that bad feelings leave on the soul. why the fuck is it like that?