(no subject)
It has been an interesting couple of weeks, and I'm not sure how to describe them, since they haven't been that eventful. I will try to convey my feelings, as oft times before, just by talking about it.
This last week, I felt like I was losing my personality. Now, I don't actually think one can lose a personality as much as have it change into something different, so I was exchanging my personality for one that felt very empty. Empty of wants, empty of desire, empty of the desire for wisdom, empty of meaning, empty of worry about all of this, empty of the desire for anything in the future, empty of the desire for anything in the present. I'm still a little put off by this. Now, I'm feeling a bit more normal (if that is ever an appropriate word). I felt like I do after reading almost anything by J.D. Salinger (which, now that I'm reading a book I've never read by him, I feel fine). Part of this want of character included one desire, at least, to scour my soul in a climate unforgiving. The harsh beauty of Joshua Tree, the natural glory of the redwood and the Grand Canyon, to find ease at the top of the cliff, these all called to me from across the deep. I am not sure why I needed scouring, but I certainly felt like I craved it. Indeed, there is still the appeal and hope in these sites (or in me?), that maybe by traveling into the open, sitting on a rock, and looking straight into the sky, I will find truth.
My classes are proving to be troublesome. Philosophy of Religion is just bringing up all sorts of problems about the character of God that I realize I just choose to ignore in order to sooth my churning mind. Some of them have been answered to satisfaction, but others remain, ones of a troubling nature. Art History is conflicting: while I know the information about Western Architecture already, I enjoy hearing about it again, but I find the Eastern Architecture to be not pleasing. History of California is very boring, and that sums up my feelings about that.
The real kicker is Philosophy of Language. Not even in Philosophy of Mind did I feel so intellectually lost. The terms and discussions are very much over my head. I am constantly lost in the readings, and at the completion of each one, I feel barely more intelligent then when I started; generally, I can only very loosely pick up key points in the argument concerning language and meaning, and almost never how they arrive at them. Lectures, thankfully, are very helpful in elucidating the readings. Professory Rescorla is a great orator, and I'm glad he's the one teaching Language.
I am considering taking Summer School. It would be for two classes, and would probably be July-August. I need to discuss this more in depth with my parents. It is only an issue since I am one quarter behind, and having taken two quarters of twelve units only, I find myself not being able to catch up. I am also considering just staying in school for another quarter (I do not mind not graduating in 4 years), but that would mean finding housing for another year when all I need is a quarter, and would probably entail having to room with someone I don't know very well, since most of my friends in Santa Barbara would probably be vacating.
I am going to apply for a job on campus, namely that of an Academic Peer Advisor. I would be helping freshmen and sophomores figure out what classes they need to take, what ones can help them, and generally orienting people as to General Education and University Requirements. I went to an information meeting today (one of two, the other being tomorrow), and there were roughly twenty-eight applicants for only eleven spots, only seven of which I even qualify for. That is pretty scary, and is a little worrysome. However, I am centering myself about it. I will try for the job; if I make it, that is good, and if I do not make it, I tried.
Part of the end to my lack of wants, specifically regarding knowledge and wisdom, was that I read this great essay on Socrates in a book in the library. It brought back all the original thoughts and feelings I had about him, which made me ever want to be a philosophy major in the first place. For Socrates, virtue is knowledge; if you really know, then you will be virtuous. I am not certain if this is actually true, but I hope it is. Certainly of equal importance, the author of the essay brought up the idea that, for Socrates and incidentally for myself, philosophy is not just intellectual inquiry for its own sake, but rather a way of life, salvation and wisdom, "born in the soul on a sudden, like a flame which is kindled by a leaping spark, and thereafter sustains itself." Philosophy is a way to cleanse the mind from error and falsity, beginning with pride and conceit realized by the idea that one thinks one knows something, when one really knows nothing. I cannot even being to write down everything that I feel regarding Socrates and philosophy, but reading that essay sparked a revival in me for truth and wisdom, and I am happy.
I have been lacking lately in my relationship with God. Often, I feel nothing, or I somehow convince myself that I'm trying to force the feeling. I find myself chastising myself for not praying and not thinking about God enough. I find myself always less than who God wants me to be, less by unmeasurable distances that leave the heart cold for want of hope. However, there is that hope, that Jesus lives and saves, and I will always have that chance to redeem myself for him. I am not worried. Perhaps I am too cavalier, but I trust that I love and act from love.
I am happy for Barack Obama, and I am happy for the United States. I am one of those cynics (perhaps undeservedly so) that is now finding hope for this country, and I really want to help. I don't know what I can do yet, but I love Obama's message of responsibility. I am ready to accept, to shine in use, knowing that the price and the prize are one and the same.
I do not know what I want to do with my life. I have vague, general goals, but all I really can hold down from my fleeting thoughts is that I would like to really care for someone, to live my life for them. I hope it happens.