Way to go, man. Way to go.

[jeremeister]

What...just happened? I really tried last week to forget. To move on. Thinking to myself that maybe if I could do it. Then this could all be over. I wouldn't have to sit still and be cold, and shake, and feel hollow. I thought I could fill myself up, heal these wounds. But theres only two things that will ever make me whole again, her, or time. Sometime this week i'm going to call her and pop the question. "Will you see me over break?" I think she will, but then again who knows. I can't sit here and believe that she doesn't miss me, that she isn't at least curious to see me. I want to see her. Even if its just for a moment. I really miss her. I miss her affection, her love. I don't miss being physical. I could wait forever for her if she just asked me too. Its tough. I'll have a day like this where I'll glance at her pictue. Or just remember. Last night was bad. My imsomnia was back full force, and all I could think about was her. I didn't get to sleep till 5 or 6. It wasn't good. I'll have nights like that. I'll have days like this. Just full of what we were, and what we could have been, and what we could still be, and it hurts. But what scares me more then anything else is feeling like I did last week. I'll take all the pain in the world...I'll take it all. You may read this and frown, but at least I can still feel real. At least I still feel. I feel for you. I feel for everyone. This has been the longest two months of my entire life. A seperate breakdown each day that I have to build myself up from, just to have another the next day. Its like life is the filler this time, and all that really matters right now is you. "Can I find words to show you how, you make me move, you make me sway, to the beat of your hands as they lay, so very far away." I wrote that. In a fit of violent hope. Theres much more where that came from too. From every angle imaginable. "Love is a risk, and you'll always get hit out of no where, by some wave and end up on your own." To say that my hopes are high, would be the biggest lie I could ever concieve. I just miss her really bad, and as much as I delude myself, nothings going to change that. If this ship is going down. Then I guess I have to go down with it. I really think that as soon as I see her...her hair, her eyes, hear her voice...I'm going to break down and cry...but I need to see her, I miss her real bad. This week. Next week. I'm scared...

~j3r3~

"The Devil and God are raging inside me..."