C-SPAN to Air Dripping Faucets for Fall Sweeps
Wrote another article for the E3W...
C-SPAN to Air Dripping Faucets for Fall Sweeps
WASHINGTON DC- C-SPAN President Brian Davidson recently announced that the government access TV station will introduce a new fall lineup in an effort to increase its viewing audience to double digits. The move comes after C-SPAN’s ratings dropped three spots below the Canadian Curling Network during the off-season.
“We realize that some of our sub-committees are sub-par,” said Davidson, who had been rehearsing that line for three hours. “Still, you’d think with the presidential election coming up, people would be excited for the remaining 4,537 Democratic debates this year.” Surprisingly, recent polls show most Americans instead prefer a sharpened pencil to the eye.
Capitalizing on the reality TV craze, C-SPAN cameras will take audiences into the unpredictable world of faulty government plumbing. Besides the anticipated leaky sink series, other promising additions include a washing machine, a red ball, and Pauly Shore.
Massachusetts Senator, Ted Kennedy, welcomed the change. “I have no problem with C-SPAN cutting us off. According to my bottle of Jack Daniels, the country doesn’t want to see me rolling down the aisle picking fights with American flags.”
However, Republican Senator, Trent Lott, expressed a different view. “Strom Thurmond’s probably turning over in his grave right now…which is hard to do in that white ghost-costume we buried him in. Look,” added Lott. “If you’re not going to broadcast us renaming French food, at least show the Dukes of Hazzard…that show kicks ass!”
George W. Bush quickly issued a press release confirming that “monkeys eat meat.” He then sought help for his Chinese finger trap.
Many C-SPAN viewers across the country have also expressed mixed opinions regarding the new programming.
“We used to love C-SPAN,” said Dr. Feldman of Sinai Hospital. “Just turn on an economic policy hearing and BAM, the patients are out like that- coma. Now with all this crazy red ball business, we’re going to have to actually buy those knocker-out-no-feely things. Hey, do you know any fraternities with the hookup?”
Mr. Felix, a longtime viewer, wavered at first, but has since embraced the new lineup, curtly replying, “meow.” He then licked his crotch and coughed up a spider.
C-SPAN to Air Dripping Faucets for Fall Sweeps
WASHINGTON DC- C-SPAN President Brian Davidson recently announced that the government access TV station will introduce a new fall lineup in an effort to increase its viewing audience to double digits. The move comes after C-SPAN’s ratings dropped three spots below the Canadian Curling Network during the off-season.
“We realize that some of our sub-committees are sub-par,” said Davidson, who had been rehearsing that line for three hours. “Still, you’d think with the presidential election coming up, people would be excited for the remaining 4,537 Democratic debates this year.” Surprisingly, recent polls show most Americans instead prefer a sharpened pencil to the eye.
Capitalizing on the reality TV craze, C-SPAN cameras will take audiences into the unpredictable world of faulty government plumbing. Besides the anticipated leaky sink series, other promising additions include a washing machine, a red ball, and Pauly Shore.
Massachusetts Senator, Ted Kennedy, welcomed the change. “I have no problem with C-SPAN cutting us off. According to my bottle of Jack Daniels, the country doesn’t want to see me rolling down the aisle picking fights with American flags.”
However, Republican Senator, Trent Lott, expressed a different view. “Strom Thurmond’s probably turning over in his grave right now…which is hard to do in that white ghost-costume we buried him in. Look,” added Lott. “If you’re not going to broadcast us renaming French food, at least show the Dukes of Hazzard…that show kicks ass!”
George W. Bush quickly issued a press release confirming that “monkeys eat meat.” He then sought help for his Chinese finger trap.
Many C-SPAN viewers across the country have also expressed mixed opinions regarding the new programming.
“We used to love C-SPAN,” said Dr. Feldman of Sinai Hospital. “Just turn on an economic policy hearing and BAM, the patients are out like that- coma. Now with all this crazy red ball business, we’re going to have to actually buy those knocker-out-no-feely things. Hey, do you know any fraternities with the hookup?”
Mr. Felix, a longtime viewer, wavered at first, but has since embraced the new lineup, curtly replying, “meow.” He then licked his crotch and coughed up a spider.