some monday night philosophy, i guess
i went to a bar mitzvah on saturday. and i've had hebrew prayers running through my head since. i've been reconsidering what 'religion' means in the last couple years. but during the service, i applied a 'new' definition of god to the words and it made sense. i used to logically debate god and despise the santa claus-type god everyone seemed to pray to. but now, i feel something different. i can look at the blood vessels in my fingers and feel the warmth from my lamp and see the breeze blow my posters...and every object in this room seems more...alive...than it usually is. this happens when i can shut off thoughts. have you tried this? can you sit, (or stand, or dance, or whatever) and not think about anything? i guess athletes and musicians might do this a lot. and then everything seems to have its own essence. it doesn't need you to judge it. to say- 'hey, i like that'. instead, it's an acknowledgment. 'you are a red bag on the floor.'
so, i'm reading this book about the jewish kabbalah. that's basically what's been catalyzing these thoughts. it's like all mystical religions (sufis in islam, buddhists, daoists, etc). it's about losing your self-importance. this is hard. i want to be special, like you do. but, there's a lot more once you dissolve into everything. i used to have these thoughts in astronomy class--looking at how big the universe is. my history classes seem to show people wanting to promote themselves. but this psychology class has been screaming 'stop thinking! look around you- you're going to die, but right now you are alive! and look at everything else that's alive!' it's almost saying- you are important once you realize you aren't important.
i slip in and out of this every day. from feelings of anger and cynicism to feelings of peace and love. i turn on hardcore punk and then the beatles and the grateful dead. i get caught up in extreme relativism and then disagree with all of it. but, this spiritual/religious/force/god/whatever you call it, slides in and obliterates the political/philosophical arguments and debates. it just stares you in the face and says 'were you really wasting your time arguing that?' and i look around and say 'does it matter? i'm here now, right?'
and in the morning, i forget that conversation as i walk to class under my hood. and i can either look at squirrels and leaves, or i can worry about my upcoming test. or i can criticize the gossiping kids on cell phones, or i can feel my heart beating in my chest and my toes hitting each step on the concrete. and it's a constant battle of my attention. what's really important? when you watch television, do you see the actors reciting lines or the characters in an imaginary world? there are so many levels. and i'm trying to figure out which reality to fully embrace.
but sometimes you do start realizing you're just one human being walking on the planet. and you can pivot outside of your head and look at yourself. the kabbalah has a meditation practice- imagine yourself on a warm beach alone. you walk to an empty house with three rooms: first one has a mirror and you look at yourself, the second room has a mirror where you see god, and the third one has a mirror where you see yourself through the eyes of god. and this last mirror shows your perfection. and everyone shares this quality. instead of fearing some vengeful father in the sky, we all see ourselves as sharing this odd life experience--from childhood to adulthood and then death, filled with relationships, emotions, positives and negatives. no matter what we are, we are. and that's what matters.
i still maintain a sense of self-consciousness when i write this. how do you interpret these words? can you relate directly to some of these concepts, or do you say 'this kid thinks he knows more than he does.' but lately, i walk around town and see things and people differently. i try to imagine myself floating above it, watching everyone interact. i've been trying this by entering a sort of 'sensory input' mindset--sounds, feelings, tastes, colors, shapes, smells, etc. when i close my eyes, i like to enter a new dimension that leaves behind the context of my room, and instead just embraces the sensations that hit me as the only thing that matters. from here, the thoughts of the day mean nothing.
i'm still young. sometimes i feel younger than when i was a kid. the kabbalah didn't initiate members until their forties in medieval times because they hadn't matured enough. but from what i've read, though, the teachings make sense. i don't need another 20 years--although, this self-confidence seems pretty indulgent. i admit, though, that these realizations about an objective world (where i see everything existing on its own) were first inspired by marijuana/lsd/mushrooms. but in the last year, mostly abstaining from all of these, i still see it. meditation (when i can actually discipline myself to sit) brings about similar feelings. all of these mystical religions say the same thing! it's not a fundamentalist religious cult (that had made me so antagonistic in high school)...it's what really happens when you stop thinking. and then these cynical thoughts start floating away, and (although i tend to dismiss these thoughts when negativity starts to reign in the romanticism) i relate to you and want to laugh and cry and feel the light of existence in everyone around me. we aren't really that different from one another.
so, i'm reading this book about the jewish kabbalah. that's basically what's been catalyzing these thoughts. it's like all mystical religions (sufis in islam, buddhists, daoists, etc). it's about losing your self-importance. this is hard. i want to be special, like you do. but, there's a lot more once you dissolve into everything. i used to have these thoughts in astronomy class--looking at how big the universe is. my history classes seem to show people wanting to promote themselves. but this psychology class has been screaming 'stop thinking! look around you- you're going to die, but right now you are alive! and look at everything else that's alive!' it's almost saying- you are important once you realize you aren't important.
i slip in and out of this every day. from feelings of anger and cynicism to feelings of peace and love. i turn on hardcore punk and then the beatles and the grateful dead. i get caught up in extreme relativism and then disagree with all of it. but, this spiritual/religious/force/god/whatever you call it, slides in and obliterates the political/philosophical arguments and debates. it just stares you in the face and says 'were you really wasting your time arguing that?' and i look around and say 'does it matter? i'm here now, right?'
and in the morning, i forget that conversation as i walk to class under my hood. and i can either look at squirrels and leaves, or i can worry about my upcoming test. or i can criticize the gossiping kids on cell phones, or i can feel my heart beating in my chest and my toes hitting each step on the concrete. and it's a constant battle of my attention. what's really important? when you watch television, do you see the actors reciting lines or the characters in an imaginary world? there are so many levels. and i'm trying to figure out which reality to fully embrace.
but sometimes you do start realizing you're just one human being walking on the planet. and you can pivot outside of your head and look at yourself. the kabbalah has a meditation practice- imagine yourself on a warm beach alone. you walk to an empty house with three rooms: first one has a mirror and you look at yourself, the second room has a mirror where you see god, and the third one has a mirror where you see yourself through the eyes of god. and this last mirror shows your perfection. and everyone shares this quality. instead of fearing some vengeful father in the sky, we all see ourselves as sharing this odd life experience--from childhood to adulthood and then death, filled with relationships, emotions, positives and negatives. no matter what we are, we are. and that's what matters.
i still maintain a sense of self-consciousness when i write this. how do you interpret these words? can you relate directly to some of these concepts, or do you say 'this kid thinks he knows more than he does.' but lately, i walk around town and see things and people differently. i try to imagine myself floating above it, watching everyone interact. i've been trying this by entering a sort of 'sensory input' mindset--sounds, feelings, tastes, colors, shapes, smells, etc. when i close my eyes, i like to enter a new dimension that leaves behind the context of my room, and instead just embraces the sensations that hit me as the only thing that matters. from here, the thoughts of the day mean nothing.
i'm still young. sometimes i feel younger than when i was a kid. the kabbalah didn't initiate members until their forties in medieval times because they hadn't matured enough. but from what i've read, though, the teachings make sense. i don't need another 20 years--although, this self-confidence seems pretty indulgent. i admit, though, that these realizations about an objective world (where i see everything existing on its own) were first inspired by marijuana/lsd/mushrooms. but in the last year, mostly abstaining from all of these, i still see it. meditation (when i can actually discipline myself to sit) brings about similar feelings. all of these mystical religions say the same thing! it's not a fundamentalist religious cult (that had made me so antagonistic in high school)...it's what really happens when you stop thinking. and then these cynical thoughts start floating away, and (although i tend to dismiss these thoughts when negativity starts to reign in the romanticism) i relate to you and want to laugh and cry and feel the light of existence in everyone around me. we aren't really that different from one another.