(no subject)
i tend to come into livejournal thinking i'll leave with some 'insightful' post. and now i just want to be as honest as possible, without some critic perspective on what i'm writing, or trying to be clever. because i used to try and be clever, and that's always blocking too much.
i don't really know the point of this. i did just drink a lot of wine, and i've usually learned many things from drug-induced mindsets where i feel like i should record a lot of realizations. lately, though, the same things i first noticed through drugs have stayed true throughout the day. i see different people acting. so much acting. all the time. is that how they always are? do they know any other way? or is that only on the surface and it just takes them a long time before they can speak how they really are? just a comfort thing, a self-defense mechanism? or are they really just oblivious to their actions?
i used to be oblivious. there was no ability to place myself in relation to other people. that probably doesn't make sense. i couldn't step outside of myself, into the 'reality', and see everyone as equal people. it was all focused inside myself. these are characters that i'm juggling. and now i see other people doing that. when they make fun of the 'other'. and it works in the realm of humor. but humor has been sliding in and out for me. there seems to always be a victim. and i can't help thinking like the victim.
but there are other thoughts. mostly- significance. lately i've been placing significance on everything. taking every point of view. i haven't been able to get angry in a long time because i'm always seeing the other side. i value too many people equally. i see it everywhere i go. people are fixed on their point of view. but when you accept everything, who are you?
this is all useless, i don't know why i'm writing any of it. i've been too concerned with 'coolness'. that's how i've been judging people- their place on the cool ladder. maybe cool should be replaced with 'aware'. i know this sounds like philosophical bullshit from some college student, but i keep seeing it everywhere. there's a bare reality- with humans acting as animals speaking sounds and constructing machinery that rivals birds and whales. history has supported this jump- so much past and mythology etc becomes real. studying history is all about relativism and time travel. what was new then is ancient now. and if we take everything we've taken for granted now, and look at it as a new invention, we start living in a strange world. and not stopping there- taking everything as a product of the earth. as crafted by the hands of creatures.
but i don't want to start down that road. i'm thinking about ideas human beings have developed and cherished throughout the years. the ones that always seemed so cliche, but now show how real they are. like love. like truth. and i think we dismiss so much. we NEED to dismiss so much. there's too much to accept and apply. and when you leave the safety zone of generalizations and look at specifics, it becomes bare. and i'm constantly fighting this.
i'm seeing class everywhere. i need to get rid of money. i'm too privileged. i want to downplay it. i don't want to talk about money. i'm a lucky fuck. i was born lucky into a safe family. and that's a rarity. and i don't know how to break it.
ghosts. that's a perfect example. people who still see the funny scary story, and those that have seen/felt the real thing. that's what i'm talking about. story up in the imagination, and the reality of the ground level. or hearing music- singing along to a song without knowing what the words are saying. i've also started listening to songs as if i wrote the lyrics, or i'm playing that bass line, or those drums. imagine------- no music.
when you turn on the fan in a bathroom, do you keep hearing the fan, or do you tune it out?
i do this a lot. does everything have to be dragged down to- an often depressing- reality? i'm too concerned with consciousness, i think. i place a lot of emphasis in dreams and drugs and trying to hear what people are really trying to say. so much gets mumbled in conversation. but i think the mumbles are more important than the clearly audible speech.
maybe i'm just a slow learner. i hear words and see where they come from. like- oatmeal, tire, overalls, adventure, rainbow, etc. i see things that have always been there. does everyone else? or. homeless men, prostitutes= people with childhoods. do you know someone in the army?
okay. this should be written in a private journal. but i'm thinking some people might relate to SOME of what i'm trying to say. thanks for taking the time. i need to go do somersaults and eat ras(p)berries that grow from a plant in our yard. and then i need to think about sarah and fall asleep smiling.
i think people need to hug more often.
someday, i will make a witty journal entry. it's just not time right now.