the space between
the space between
kyuhyun/hyukjae, pg, general
an attempt to piece together the history of a relationship: this is (mostly) how it begins.
for rubyls, forever the kyuhyun to my hyukjae. ♥ happy belated birthday!! ♥ i know this probably isn't what you had in mind, but i hope you like it all the same.
sometimes two people need to step apart
and make a space between
that each might see the other anew,
in a glance across a room
or silhouetted across the moon.
--robert brault.
----
kyuhyun isn’t sure when it happens.
it wasn’t when they met. the moment he entered the studio and saw the dozen boys that he would be training, performing, eating, living with -- he wanted to turn around and go back home, where he could stare at the computer uninterrupted and watch historical dramas late into the night.
being the youngest in a group of thirteen boys, he had realized, was definitely not going to come as easy as being the youngest in a family of four. but then siwon had stepped forward and smiled, donghae had slung an arm around his shoulders, and he’d thought that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad. at least one of them had to be better at starcraft than ara.
at the time, hyukjae had just faded into the background. he wasn’t the leader, wasn’t as charismatic as heechul, as handsome as siwon or donghae, or even as different as donghee. he just was.
----
the first time kyuhyun notices hyukjae, really notices him, they’re rehearsing on stage. the boy who up until then had merely been his oddball flatmate, the one with the funny smile and kind of awkward limbs, is a dancing machine.
kyuhyun is a rational person, so he isn’t all that surprised -- when he joined, he knew sme was the kind of company that didn’t believe in second chances. either you prove that you’re worth something, or you’re sent out. of course, worth didn’t always translate into a silky voice or smooth moves, but when you look like a monkey and sound like a goat, chances were you had to have talent in there somewhere.
how hyukjae dances, kyuhyun thinks, is how he’d like to sing: with total precision and control. he voices this to heechul, who laughs in his face.
“you’ll need some work before you get there, kid,” heechul tells him, patting him on the back, though not unkindly.
kyuhyun can’t find the nerve to disagree with heechul outright, so he keeps his offense to himself. he hadn’t won third place at chin chin for his skin.
it seems that he’s not as good at suppressing his emotions as he’d thought, because heechul leans closer to him and whispers. “hyukjae’s not perfect. hell, look at that face. he’s not even close. but when he dances, he really puts his heart into it.”
heechul doesn’t say it directly, but the implication is evident.
kyuhyun has plenty of heart. he’ll show heechul.
----
as it turns out, kyuhyun is lucky to have any sort of working internal organs after the accident.
strangely enough, the first recollection he has when he wakes is of a panicked hyukjae, kneeling on the road beside his body, cradling kyuhyun’s head in his hands and praying fervently for his survival.
his family had always been religious, but years of playing in the church ensemble did not teach him the kind of faith he develops when he wakes up, comes off the respirator, and finds that his voice still works.
the nurses don’t know how to control the steady stream of visitors to his hospital room, so eventually they give up and start asking for autographs instead. the boys mostly bring card games, fruit snacks, comics, and fan mail, but the first time he comes hyukjae brings a copy of the super junior05 debut album.
when kyuhyun takes in the cover and looks back up at him, he is somewhat incredulous. “you finally come to see me and this is what you bring?” he’d heard the other members call hyukjae stingy before, but this kind of insensitivity was too much. kyuhyun hadn’t even been a part of that album.
hyukjae rubs the back of his neck, carefully avoiding eye contact. “i, i think you should listen to the first track,” he stutters. “i know you’re not on it, but it made me think of you.”
kyuhyun rolls his eyes, but can’t hold back his smile once he realizes that the first track is miracle. “hyung, you’re a sap.”
hyukjae grins at him then, his lips curving back until all kyuhyun sees is an expanse of gums and even white teeth. he feels his heart beat faster in that instant and ponders how long it will be until the aftereffects from the accident recede.
“so i see you finally got yourself your own bed,” hyukjae teases, eyes sparkling under the hospital’s strong fluorescent lighting, filling up with something that looks a little heavier than kyuhyun’s reflection.
while he rarely passes up a chance to poke fun at hyukjae -- there’s something about the older boy that makes him an easy target, a cheap shot -- that day, kyuhyun decides he’s feeling generous.
instead, he tosses a magazine at hyukjae and smirks when it hits his stomach. “go home, cheapskate. next time you’d better bring me something that wasn’t already lying around the dorm.”
“okay, okay,” hyukjae sighs, leaning down to pick up the fallen magazine and place it back on kyuhyun’s bedside table. “make sure to listen to sukira tonight!”
kyuhyun would never admit it, but he always does. their endless chatter on the radio calms him, reminds him of twelve other eggs and the carton they call home.
the longest two months of his life pass without further incident, and he discovers that not much has changed when he returns to the dorm. ryeowook still demands that the members eat a healthy breakfast, jongwoon still spends too much time singing to himself in the bathroom, sungmin still hoards underwear as blackmail.
it’s only when he opens his closet that kyuhyun notices what’s different. his clothes are organized on their hangers by size and color, and all of his discs are stacked neatly in their cases.
hyukjae once said on some talk show that cleaning made him happy. kyuhyun wonders if he told the truth.
----
on hyukjae’s birthday the following year, sme christens their new chinese language subgroup super junior-m. kyuhyun is the fourth member announced to join this unit.
until the last trailer is released, he still anticipates the addition of sungmin or jongwoon. he knows that hyukjae will not join them -- he’d been on a different track since the beginning, since the first day he was paired with jungsu as an emcee and then heechul on full house.
the public wants to know which member kyuhyun will miss the most. his answer is always different. sometimes it’s jungsu -- he doesn’t even need to explain that one. “leader-maknae bond,” fans will exclaim. sometimes it’s sungmin -- they’d been roommates for so long now that he is literally a fixture in kyuhyun’s life. sometimes, when he’s feeling contrary, the answer is no one -- they’ll miss him the most.
it’s never really hyukjae. kyuhyun figures that donghae has the market cornered on hyukjae. choosing hyukjae, hugging hyukjae, abusing hyukjae, comforting hyukjae.
this is why, when hyukjae wraps his arms around kyuhyun at the airport and exhales into his collarbone, he’s not sure he can explain the sudden recurrence of his post-operative jitters.
he lets ryeowook nudge him out of the way, relieved once his heart sets back into its normal pace, and proceeds to wrap his scarf tighter around his chest.
as they line up to board, kyuhyun’s last memory of korea is the foreign sensation of a warm breath ghosting along his neck.
----
sometimes, when the subway system is suffering from mass transit delays, the operator will switch a train to a different track. this happens even to the most well-oiled machines.
a few years later, kyuhyun boards the same plane for a different trip. this time, hyukjae gets on it, too.
kyuhyun/hyukjae, pg, general
an attempt to piece together the history of a relationship: this is (mostly) how it begins.
for rubyls, forever the kyuhyun to my hyukjae. ♥ happy belated birthday!! ♥ i know this probably isn't what you had in mind, but i hope you like it all the same.
sometimes two people need to step apart
and make a space between
that each might see the other anew,
in a glance across a room
or silhouetted across the moon.
--robert brault.
----
kyuhyun isn’t sure when it happens.
it wasn’t when they met. the moment he entered the studio and saw the dozen boys that he would be training, performing, eating, living with -- he wanted to turn around and go back home, where he could stare at the computer uninterrupted and watch historical dramas late into the night.
being the youngest in a group of thirteen boys, he had realized, was definitely not going to come as easy as being the youngest in a family of four. but then siwon had stepped forward and smiled, donghae had slung an arm around his shoulders, and he’d thought that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad. at least one of them had to be better at starcraft than ara.
at the time, hyukjae had just faded into the background. he wasn’t the leader, wasn’t as charismatic as heechul, as handsome as siwon or donghae, or even as different as donghee. he just was.
----
the first time kyuhyun notices hyukjae, really notices him, they’re rehearsing on stage. the boy who up until then had merely been his oddball flatmate, the one with the funny smile and kind of awkward limbs, is a dancing machine.
kyuhyun is a rational person, so he isn’t all that surprised -- when he joined, he knew sme was the kind of company that didn’t believe in second chances. either you prove that you’re worth something, or you’re sent out. of course, worth didn’t always translate into a silky voice or smooth moves, but when you look like a monkey and sound like a goat, chances were you had to have talent in there somewhere.
how hyukjae dances, kyuhyun thinks, is how he’d like to sing: with total precision and control. he voices this to heechul, who laughs in his face.
“you’ll need some work before you get there, kid,” heechul tells him, patting him on the back, though not unkindly.
kyuhyun can’t find the nerve to disagree with heechul outright, so he keeps his offense to himself. he hadn’t won third place at chin chin for his skin.
it seems that he’s not as good at suppressing his emotions as he’d thought, because heechul leans closer to him and whispers. “hyukjae’s not perfect. hell, look at that face. he’s not even close. but when he dances, he really puts his heart into it.”
heechul doesn’t say it directly, but the implication is evident.
kyuhyun has plenty of heart. he’ll show heechul.
----
as it turns out, kyuhyun is lucky to have any sort of working internal organs after the accident.
strangely enough, the first recollection he has when he wakes is of a panicked hyukjae, kneeling on the road beside his body, cradling kyuhyun’s head in his hands and praying fervently for his survival.
his family had always been religious, but years of playing in the church ensemble did not teach him the kind of faith he develops when he wakes up, comes off the respirator, and finds that his voice still works.
the nurses don’t know how to control the steady stream of visitors to his hospital room, so eventually they give up and start asking for autographs instead. the boys mostly bring card games, fruit snacks, comics, and fan mail, but the first time he comes hyukjae brings a copy of the super junior05 debut album.
when kyuhyun takes in the cover and looks back up at him, he is somewhat incredulous. “you finally come to see me and this is what you bring?” he’d heard the other members call hyukjae stingy before, but this kind of insensitivity was too much. kyuhyun hadn’t even been a part of that album.
hyukjae rubs the back of his neck, carefully avoiding eye contact. “i, i think you should listen to the first track,” he stutters. “i know you’re not on it, but it made me think of you.”
kyuhyun rolls his eyes, but can’t hold back his smile once he realizes that the first track is miracle. “hyung, you’re a sap.”
hyukjae grins at him then, his lips curving back until all kyuhyun sees is an expanse of gums and even white teeth. he feels his heart beat faster in that instant and ponders how long it will be until the aftereffects from the accident recede.
“so i see you finally got yourself your own bed,” hyukjae teases, eyes sparkling under the hospital’s strong fluorescent lighting, filling up with something that looks a little heavier than kyuhyun’s reflection.
while he rarely passes up a chance to poke fun at hyukjae -- there’s something about the older boy that makes him an easy target, a cheap shot -- that day, kyuhyun decides he’s feeling generous.
instead, he tosses a magazine at hyukjae and smirks when it hits his stomach. “go home, cheapskate. next time you’d better bring me something that wasn’t already lying around the dorm.”
“okay, okay,” hyukjae sighs, leaning down to pick up the fallen magazine and place it back on kyuhyun’s bedside table. “make sure to listen to sukira tonight!”
kyuhyun would never admit it, but he always does. their endless chatter on the radio calms him, reminds him of twelve other eggs and the carton they call home.
the longest two months of his life pass without further incident, and he discovers that not much has changed when he returns to the dorm. ryeowook still demands that the members eat a healthy breakfast, jongwoon still spends too much time singing to himself in the bathroom, sungmin still hoards underwear as blackmail.
it’s only when he opens his closet that kyuhyun notices what’s different. his clothes are organized on their hangers by size and color, and all of his discs are stacked neatly in their cases.
hyukjae once said on some talk show that cleaning made him happy. kyuhyun wonders if he told the truth.
----
on hyukjae’s birthday the following year, sme christens their new chinese language subgroup super junior-m. kyuhyun is the fourth member announced to join this unit.
until the last trailer is released, he still anticipates the addition of sungmin or jongwoon. he knows that hyukjae will not join them -- he’d been on a different track since the beginning, since the first day he was paired with jungsu as an emcee and then heechul on full house.
the public wants to know which member kyuhyun will miss the most. his answer is always different. sometimes it’s jungsu -- he doesn’t even need to explain that one. “leader-maknae bond,” fans will exclaim. sometimes it’s sungmin -- they’d been roommates for so long now that he is literally a fixture in kyuhyun’s life. sometimes, when he’s feeling contrary, the answer is no one -- they’ll miss him the most.
it’s never really hyukjae. kyuhyun figures that donghae has the market cornered on hyukjae. choosing hyukjae, hugging hyukjae, abusing hyukjae, comforting hyukjae.
this is why, when hyukjae wraps his arms around kyuhyun at the airport and exhales into his collarbone, he’s not sure he can explain the sudden recurrence of his post-operative jitters.
he lets ryeowook nudge him out of the way, relieved once his heart sets back into its normal pace, and proceeds to wrap his scarf tighter around his chest.
as they line up to board, kyuhyun’s last memory of korea is the foreign sensation of a warm breath ghosting along his neck.
----
sometimes, when the subway system is suffering from mass transit delays, the operator will switch a train to a different track. this happens even to the most well-oiled machines.
a few years later, kyuhyun boards the same plane for a different trip. this time, hyukjae gets on it, too.