despicably good (2/2)
despicably good part two
sehun-centric, gen, crack, pg-13
wicked is the new black. brought to you by our star villain, Oh Sehun and his minion squad, and everyone's favourite Jongdae. despicable me au.
this literally would not be here if not for badwolf_x, thanks jannah for holding my hand throughout this and betaing it ♥
Friday dawns dark and gloomy, but nothing shakes Sehun’s glee because they are finally ready with the satellite, all systems go. Baekhyun readies an a-ok sign behind the satellite, and Chanyeol yells “TAKEOFF READY” from the steer console, though none of them is really going to be taking off. Kyungsoo makes chocolate chip waffles for breakfast because Sehun likes to begin a good day with a yummy start, and after they’re all full, they head off for the nearby park with the satellite and steer console cockpit rigged up to Sehun’s space car.
Kyungsoo immediately sets up camp when they reach the park, Sehun picking a spot near the edge of the park under a large tree, because he burns easily. Their tent is erected under the tree, while Chanyeol takes a spot several metres away with the opaque console cockpit where there are no aerial obstructions. Baekhyun is eighty kilometres away in the middle of the park with the lodestone satellite ready for takeoff, and Kyungsoo fills the little empty compartment in Chanyeol’s steer console with snickerdoodles.
The minion squad is hooked up to a common channel on their headsets, while Sehun sips his chocolate bubble tea and looks over Kyungsoo’s shoulder at the video feed of the satellite and Chanyeol’s console.
“Alpha ready,” Chanyeol says.
“One sec,” Baekhyun says, “lodestone’s shaky on the holding device.”
Baekhyun takes a lot longer than a second, during which Sehun finishes his bubble tea, chats with Kyungsoo about the potential holiday home they’ll get in the Bahamas, and Chanyeol - wait.
When Sehun and Kyungsoo finally turn their attention to the video feed of the steer console, Chanyeol’s hands are decidedly not on the joystick, and there’s someone else’s voice in the console cockpit coming through the headset.
“What,” Sehun asks, as Kyungsoo’s eyes do their thing.
“We didn’t arrange for Chanyeol to have a helper, did we?” Kyungsoo wonders aloud, and Sehun scans his brain for the plan. Nope. Just the four of them.
They are unable to see the intruder (Sehun mentally curses the position of the camera), and Chanyeol seems to have lost hold of his headset. Kyungsoo’s repeated “Chanyeol”s yield no answer, but they can hear him making a conversation with the intruder.
“So this is cool,” the stranger says, “you do this often?”
“No, this is just, hehe, a one off thing.” Sehun thinks Chanyeol’s giggling a lot more than normal.
“So what does this do?”
“Oh, you know, just steers a satellite round the globe. This little joystick here,” Chanyeol says proudly, and they can see the tip of his finger point towards the joystick from the bottom of the video feed. Sehun grabs Kyungsoo’s headset to yell into the mic, but Chanyeol does not reply. Baekhyun is similarly yelling into the headset, “Beta ready, Chanyeol what the fuck are you doing,” but to no avail.
“That’s cool,” Stranger Guy says, and Sehun registers that his voice is pretty low and sexy. Chanyeol’s type. “So what does this button do?” Sehun sees a well-groomed finger point to the red DESTRUCT button, which has the word “DESTRUCT” embossed on the top. This stranger isn’t all that smart, Sehun thinks, and relaxes a bit. Maybe he’s just a visitor, one of Chanyeol’s friends who wanted to look at how satellite launches were done.
“So...” The stranger casually reaches forward to place his hand over the button. “What happens if I press it?”
Three things happen at once:
One: The stranger presses. Chanyeol shrieks. Sehun jumps up and hits his head on the top of the tent. Kyungsoo spills his strawberry smoothie.
Two: There is an enormous boom about 50 miles from where they are. Baekhyun yells so loud that Sehun thinks he can quite hear it even without the headset.
Three: Kyungsoo spies someone running out of the console cockpit, straight into a sports car that whizzes away. The someone is tall, has coiffed hair, and is not Chanyeol.
Sehun bursts out of their tent to hurry to the console cockpit, where Chanyeol is stock-still, his mouth open in a sort of caricature; Sehun can see most of his gums, and tonsils, even.
“What,” Sehun just says, surveying the cockpit. Chanyeol’s headset is stuffed somewhere between the back of his seat and the wall, and in the video feed of the satellite stands a smoking... structure, charred and crumbling.
“What,” Kyungsoo echoes, and hurriedly radios for Baekhyun. “Baekhyun, Baekhyun. Beta? Beta?”
“Yeah.” Baekhyun’s voice is a little disgruntled through the headset. “What the fuck, man, Chanyeol, you’re lucky I dived out of the way fast.”
“What happened?” Sehun stares at Chanyeol accusingly. “You just destructed our satellite.”
“I didn’t!” Chanyeol yelps, but has the sense to look a little sheepish. “I mean, he did! That stranger!”
“Wow,” Kyungsoo says, “you let a stranger into your cockpit?”
“Yeah, well,” Chanyeol looks down, “he was - so - tall! And attractive! It wasn’t my fault!”
Chanyeol approximates a pleading face. It turns out to be a lot more like a face asking to be punched to Sehun. So he does punch Chanyeol, and Chanyeol appropriates a kicked puppy expression. It quite possibly is even more annoying.
“Sorry,” Chanyeol says, “I - he - just - he was so tall!”
“You’re tall too?” Kyungsoo points out.
“Yeah, which is why! I liked talking without having to look downwards like I always do around you guys!”
Kyungsoo tosses his strawberry smoothie at Chanyeol just as Baekhyun finally reaches the console cockpit too, and Sehun and Kyungsoo turn around to be greeted by a very dishevelled Baekhyun, face streaked with ash and his hair flying in several different directions.
“Thanks, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says,and rolls his eyes.
Chanyeol starts a smile then visibly deflates when Baekhyun’s sarcasm gets through.
“Sorry,” Chanyeol says in a small voice and Kyungsoo sighs.
The ride back to their house is subdued without Chanyeol’s bass yelling and Baekhyun’s laughter, and when they all pile into the house Chanyeol has his head down, his hands together because it’s clear that Sehun is fuming.
“Sorry,” Chanyeol apologises before Sehun can say anything. “Don’t fire me!”
Sehun clenches his jaw and takes a deep, deep breath. Stay fab, Sehun, stay fab. Fab people don’t get mad.
“Msdgghhrr,” he manages, the closest to a non-mad expression he can give. Chanyeol smiles a little hesitantly, and rushes back down to the basement before Sehun can kick him out. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo follow sadly, their shoulders droopy. Sehun takes a sip of chocolate bubble tea, but it doesn’t even help.
Jjanggu, his pet creature, scurries towards him from under his seat and nudges his leg. With a fond sigh, Sehun sets his tea down on a nearby end table and picks Jjanggu up. “Jjanggu,” Sehun says as he strokes it, “what should I do? I have morons for minions and I won’t be able to thwart Jongdae’s plans! And he’s going to get the cup again and the Council might stop with the funds and -” He shudders at this point, because then he might have to be relegated to Normal Person status. Sehun is not made to do that. Sehun is made for big things.
“I just,” Sehun sighs, “I just want to be like my brother. Why is everything so difficult?” Lu Han had just about disappeared off the edge of the world two years ago after his successful Mars heist, with all attempts Sehun made to contact him failing pathetically. Sehun had no idea where his brother had gone, and it had crushed him, for a period of time, when he realised he might never hear his brother tell him well done, ever.
But perhaps all hope was not lost. If Sehun could find a way to contact Lu Han, perhaps his brother might be receptive to a brotherly partnership, just like how Sehun had visualized in all those dreams. They were sure to have a new plan, better and eviler than ever, to beat Jongdae. A smile creeps onto Sehun’s lips at this prospect; and besides, Sehun’s improved a great deal since he first became a villain-he’s no longer just a snivelly little brother any more. He’s just about as good as the average villain, and a worthy partner.
Before Sehun could radio for Kyungsoo to set up another search for Lu Han, however, there is an awfully rude rapping at the door. This is extraordinary, because their pod had been set up with several booby traps from the public pavement all the way up to the front door. Whoever’s at the door either is either SWAT field trained, or of the non-human variety. Sehun draws up the video feed from the surveillance camera at the front door and is pleased to see that, at least, their traps have managed to keep non-authorized human presence out, because the rapping was the result of a fairly small UFO-shaped convex disc repeatedly driving itself at the door, without any apparent signs of damage.
Sehun frowns, but he doesn’t have time to process anything because the disc smashes right through his door, zooming to a stop in front of him. Sehun jumps out of his chair and almost spills his chocolate bubble tea, saved only by his utter grace and agility. He does however, let out an alarmed little shriek, which brings the minion squad scrambling into the room, Chanyeol gawking openly at the splintering hole in the door the disc had made. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo join Sehun in staring suspiciously at the disc, which hovers in the air at Sehun’s eye level, buzzing quietly.
Just when Kyungsoo deems the disc of secondary importance and makes his way over to fix the door, the disc starts attacking Sehun, jabbing at different positions of his head repeatedly, light enough not to hurt but frequently enough to be annoying. Sehun shrieks and tries to get away, including swatting at the disc, and Chanyeol and Baekhyun contribute as well, but nothing seems to be able to stop it. Kyungsoo then notices a little post-it on the side of the disc that reads “open me”, and he points it out to Sehun, adding that the disc probably won’t stop attacking until Sehun does as the note instructs.
Sehun opens it. Or rather, he holds it, and it immediately reorganizes-not unlike a Transformer that Sehun had seen in the movies-to a little video player that hovers so all four of them can see. A video starts, and Sehun can see Jongdae on the screen with a row of his assistants behind him, smiling so smugly that Sehun is consumed with an urge to annihilate the video player.
“Hello, Sehun,” Jongdae says in a mock-important tone that is more derisive than anything else to Sehun’s ears, “I see you have failed.”
A giggle comes from behind Jongdae, possibly from the menacing-looking one with the eyebags, or the other one with the dimples. Sehun decides the tall, serious-looking one is pretty capable-looking and considers the possibility of poaching before he catches Chanyeol looking a bit starry-eyed at the very man, and then it occurs to Sehun that he bears a striking resemblance to the stranger in the cockpit. A cuter one that looks like he belongs in kindergarten completes the team-a rather strange looking team, in Sehun’s opinion.
Jongdae smiles. “As I expected, of course. This video is really,” Jongdae smiles a - sweet smile, for lack of a word, “just to touch base, make sure you made it home okay!”
The giggles grow to straight-out guffaws in the back. Sehun clenches his fist so tight his knuckles turn white, and Kyungsoo inches to pat Sehun’s fist gently so he remembers to release them slowly.
Just then, another screen lights up behind Jongdae and - wait - is that Lu Han? His Lu Han? All of Sehun’s dreams and aspirations?
“Great job, Jongdae,” Lu Han says with the air of superiority that Sehun is all too familiar with, and the screen behind Jongdae zips black.
Jongdae does another one of those smiles at Sehun, and leans in. “So we’re just planning to take off next Friday for the sun, and, guess what? The Council told me this’ll put my fifth trophy in the bag, which brings me to Higher Villian status, I’m sure you know.”
Sehun swallows and trembles in anger and jealousy.
“So,” Jongdae shoots at Sehun with guns made out of his fingers and winks, “good luck, Sehun, I love you, bro.”
The four of them watch as the video player self-destructs into a black mess onto the carpet (Kyungsoo blanches).
“Was that - Lu Han?” Baekhyun stares at the black mess. “Your... brother? Was - is - Jongdae working for him?”
Chanyeol is too shell-shocked for an answer, and Kyungsoo is still busy blanching at the mess. Sehun gulps nervously, because this means the enemy he’s been working against is really his brother, after all. Only the brother he’s been spending his life trying to keep up with. This also means all backups and alternatives are stomped flat on the ground and they quite literally have to sit and stare as Jongdae gets the sun and the status that Sehun has dreamed of from when he was a child. The Higher Villian status awarding also only happens once every decade, and that pretty much guarantees that Sehun can kiss it goodbye, given that the Council only keeps villains in business for fifteen years unless they obtain this status. This is Sehun’s sixth year as a villain.
Sehun is very nearly on the verge of breakdown. He wants to roll around on the floor kicking and throwing a fit, and he very nearly does, in fact, sliding lower and lower on his high armchair, his heels dragging two flat tracks on the carpet. He probably would have if not for a voice to his left, a voice that he didn’t recognize at all.
“Maybe I could help.” Sehun’s head whips to his left, where a man he has never seen stands in his living room with no shame, even though he probably was very recently guilty of breaking and entering. Sehun shrieks a broken shriek and jumps to his feet.
“Who the hell are you?” Sehun raises his - cup of bubble tea threateningly at the man. “Did you just break in? Are you human?” The presence of this strange man in his living room utterly unharmed by any of the booby traps they had set up against strangers raises a sort of strange fighting spirit in Sehun, one that makes him want to flip the bird at everything, including Lu Han, and show the world what he was made of. Sehun doesn’t know where this fire came from, but it’s making him very fired up.
The man just smiles, showing his perfect row of shining teeth, the type that Sehun sees on toothpaste commercials, and even bows a bit. “Hello to you too. I’m Suho.”
Sehun and the minion squad just stare at him, and they exchange a few awkward moments of this staring before Suho figures they’re probably not going to say anything yet.
“So,” Suho’s smile is undeterred, “as I was saying, I have a plan - a proposition, perhaps, for you.”
Sehun is baffled. Firstly, this guy is quite visibly human, which alarms Sehun for obvious reasons - did the security measures outside his pod not work after all? Secondly, this guy’s smile is way too bright for anyone, human or not, and Sehun doesn’t like smiles. He’s supposed to bring doom and evil to the world, after all. It’s all very suspicious.
“How did you get in?” Baekhyun asks warily. Sehun can see Kyungsoo surreptitiously pull his handheld tablet out of the back of his pocket to ID the stranger, but his database registers a NOT IDENTIFIED.
“Ah,” Suho smiles, “maybe I should tell you more about myself. I’m a superhero.”
“A what?” Sehun narrows his eyes. Superheroes don’t belong in his pod; in fact, shouldn’t his pod positively repel superheroes?
“A superhero! Well, in-training, that is. We try to bring some good and cheer to this world!” Suho smiles.
“Um,” Chanyeol pipes up, “are you aware of what we do?”
“Of course, Chanyeol.” Suho smiles wider at Chanyeol’s shock at the knowledge of his name, “I do my homework before setting out on a quest. But I believe we have a common... shall we say, target? You are looking for a way to bring Jongdae down, am I correct?”
“Jongdae?” Sehun asks suspiciously. He isn’t all that happy with this stranger’s presence in his pod, but if Suho had an idea to destroy Jongdae (and perhaps show to Lu Han that he wasn’t a pushover little brother)... well, Sehun’s sure he could crush this random ditz in his living room with ease if he proved to be crap, anyway.
“The very man,” Suho says charmingly. “We do have a plan to destroy his rocket, but we might need to enlist your help.”
“Wait.” Sehun shoots a fierce look at the minion squad before any of them blurt out their previous disappointments with entering Jongdae’s pod in the first place. “You haven’t answered my previous question. How did you get in here?”
“Ah.” Suho gestures towards the ceiling of the living room. “You might have a bit of a security breach right there.”
Sehun turns to stare daggers at the minion squad, who are horrified at the statement, but Sehun decides to take care of the more pressing matters at hand.
“Right. So - your plan?”
“Yes.” Suho draws up a holographic chart out of nowhere, and directs them through an animated plan. “We get in Jongdae’s pod, wind through the air conditioning vents, down - here, where the rocket is, and we use your electrocution zapping ray gun to short-circuit it, effectively rendering it a useless heap of metal.”
“Yeah,” Chanyeol says almost boredly before Sehun can stop him, “we already tried. It’s impenetrable.”
Sehun thinks Suho’s talent of keeping that smile on his face no matter what is rather impressive, if nothing else. He even raises his eyebrows in excitement, like a magician about to reveal his greatest trick.
“Yep,” Suho says, “except we have Kai.”
“Kai?” Sehun and the minion squad chorus just as someone quite literally materializes in front of him. Even Sehun has trouble keeping his jaw hinged.
“Who - what -” Baekhyun sputters.
Kai gives them all a cocky little smile that makes Sehun’s skin crawl. “You called?”
“This is Kai.” Suho claps a hand on Kai’s shoulder, to which Kai wiggles away slightly. “And he can teleport, as you have just witnessed.”
“Teleport?”
“Yes-” Kai smirks, and teleports slightly closer to Sehun. “-like that.”
“Whoa,” Chanyeol says in awe. Sehun is actually also equally impressed by the teleportation, something no one in the villain world has managed to achieve, but manages to keep it in. Barely.
“So.” Suho jabs at his holographic chart. “Kai here will get in Jongdae’s pod, disable the front door security systems so the rest of us - or maybe just one of you who can work the ray gun, we don’t want to make it a party,” Suho amends pointedly, “and then we destroy Jongdae’s rocket.”
Suho ends his speech with a snap of his fingers.
“Um.” Kyungsoo looks hesitant. “Are you sure it’s going to be that easy? Can Kai really get into Jongdae’s pod? I mean, it’s impenetrable.”
“Yes.” Kai looks as if their heads were the impenetrable things here. “I can.”
Well, then.
Sehun isn’t so inclined to the idea of working with a superhero, the very antimatter of what he is supposed to be, but if this works, Jongdae would be thwarted, and Sehun could have another jab at stealing the sun instead. Besides, he’s sure the Council would be impressed if he outwitted Jongdae. And, this would be his chance to show the world (and Lu Han) what he was made of - no longer just a little brother aiming for attention.
Sehun is, after all, made for big things.
“So!” Suho claps his hands. “We have a deal?”
When Baekhyun whispers that they have nothing to lose, since Kai is the one venturing into Jongdae’s pod first, the four of them exchange dubious glances, and then Sehun gets up to shake Suho’s hand reluctantly.
----
It takes a while to detail their plans - Suho would leave nothing to chance, but the party manages to turn up in the bushes next to Jongdae’s pod the Friday Jongdae is scheduled to launch to the rocket to the sun. They’re probably cutting it a little close for Kyungsoo’s comfort, but it’s better than nothing, so Sehun braves the branches in his back and focuses on the screen they have hooked up to the camera strapped to Kai’s bulletproof, knife-proof, and hopefully vaporizer-proof bodysuit.
“Okay,” Kai’s voice crackles through the microphone after a minute of nerve-wracking, breath-holding waiting on Sehun’s part. “Whoa, he’s done a hell of a job on the renovation. This place is dope.”
It is dope. Jongdae now has velvet walls (an upgrade from the marble walls Kai had seen the last reconnaissance trip), so soft and sleek that Sehun wants to throw himself against the camera feed even with its poor resolution, marble floors studded with jewels, and bowls of gummy bears and every sort of cookie Sehun knows to exist at metre-long intervals along the hallways. Sehun can practically hear Kai contemplating the possibilities of changing camp in the next five minutes. He gulps nervously.
“Kai,” Suho says warningly, and Kai gives a long-suffering sigh before muttering an intelligible reply.
“Right.” Suho smiles. “First, zap any security cameras you see.”
“Use the fire ray gun,” Chanyeol suggests. Kai aims it at a security camera trained on the door, and it turns into a charred mess in a second - not the neatest way, but Sehun supposes it gets the job done.
Kai turns the camera onto the security retina scan next to the door - why a retina scan on the inside of Jongdae’s pod is required is beyond Sehun - so Baekhyun can instruct him on how to deactivate it.
It is difficult; Baekhyun has to get Kai to practically dismantle the entire thing - Kai gets frustrated halfway through and rips out the motherboard, which seems to do the trick. The doors rattle and slide open, and all of them rush through into Jongdae’s pod (Suho had voted against this, but Sehun wouldn’t miss seeing the destruction of Jongdae’s rocket in person for the life of him, and well, the minion squad really works as a threesome).
Inside Jongdae’s pod is luxurious and affected and just exactly what Sehun imagined. He turns up his nose and rolls his eyes, nudging Kyungsoo and shaking his head to say “look at this obnoxious ass”, even as he’s trying to take in as many details at once and memorizing the exact feel of the velvet so he can reproduce it after the Council awards him Higher Villian status.
Kai leads them into an air-conditioning vent, which is a squeeze for Sehun and a total problem for Chanyeol, who keeps whining about his limbs being in the awkwardest angles. Sehun chucks a snickerdoodle he snitched from one of Jongdae’s bowls into his mouth to shut him up, and they make their very long, very uncomfortable journey to the end of the vent.
“Hmm,” Kai says at the head of their little procession, “he changed the vents, too? Well, looks like we’ll have to get to the rocket launch pad through his... main office.”
Kyungsoo stares at Kai. Baekhyun hoists his light ray gun higher and adjusts his bodysuit. Sehun blinks.
Kai nods, and lifts a grille to hop down into Jongdae’s main office, teleporting immediately to the back of a chair. When he confirms that the office seems to be empty, Kai signals an a-ok, and the rest of them tumble down into the office.
It’s only when Chanyeol, the last of them, lands on the carpet that the alarm starts sounding. Sehun jumps in shock and horror, and Kai starts swearing.
“Fuck,” Kai yells and beckons them deeper into the office, “THIS WAY!”
There is no time to be discreet - Sehun can already hear a din going on outside the office and there are pincers sprouting from the walls and the floor that advance towards their party, no doubt triggered by the alarm, so Kyungsoo uses his demolishing ray gun to blast a hole through the door that Kai promises will lead to the rocket launch pad. Sehun and his team disappear into the alleyway that leads to the launch pad just as Lu Han, Jongdae, and four others burst into the office in horror, armed with an impressive array of guns and sticks and other things Sehun cannot identify, but are equally as intimidating.
It is a mad rush to the launch pad, Chanyeol blindly shooting with his fire ray guns and light ray guns behind him which do little to deter Jongdae and his team. When they finally crash into the launch pad, everyone has their guns and weapons out, trained on Lu Han and his team, but Sehun also finds himself staring down the barrel of Lu Han’s gun.
“Well, well, well,” Lu Han says with unnerving confidence, despite the fact that he’s got Sehun’s guns trained on him. Sehun doesn’t trust himself to speak.
“What do we have here?” Jongdae asks, crooking an eyebrow at Sehun.
Sehun tries putting on his most haughty expression - he’s been told that his default face is haughty, so he doesn’t need to try very hard. Lu Han gives him a pretty smile, the sort that promises furry toys and gummy bears with knives and ray guns strapped to their back.
“Our pretty Sehun,” Lu Han says, “too bad you’re never going to succeed.”
“Shut up.” Sehun tries to keep his voice as steady and menacing as he can. “I’m not your little brother any more.”
Lu Han giggles a bit, a laugh that makes Sehun’s blood boil because he’s not even taking Sehun seriously.
“This is the end of your evil,” Suho says calmly, but Sehun can hear the subtle nervousness under the calm.
“You’re a goner!” Sehun hears Chanyeol say in his bravest voice.
“Of course,” Lu Han says, “except you make any move on my rocket and -” Lu Han raises his gun a little - “this baby here’ll zap all of you to a crisp.”
Sehun gulps. One wrong move....
Out of the corner of his eye he sees Baekhyun inch the electrocuting ray gun to face the rocket, inch by excruciating inch. Thankfully, Suho sees this and starts easing into negotiations with Lu Han.
“Look,” Suho tells Lu Han, “we have guns as well. None of us want to turn into a crisp, so... if we could come to an agreement?”
Lu Han narrows his eyes, but waits for Suho to continue. Sehun silently cheers for Baekhyun in his head.
Suho smiles. “Perhaps we could sit down for some coffee and decide.”
“We don’t drink coffee,” Jongdae tells him, and the tall stranger from Chanyeol’s cockpit and the shorter kid-looking one behind Jongdae nod menacingly.
“Well...” Suho’s smile is undeterred. “I’m sure we could sit down with orange juice.”
Baekhyun’s gun clicks into position - Sehun sees Baekhyun make just the tiniest of nods, and there’s a silent count to three in all their heads -
Everyone on Sehun’s side of the room presses the buttons their fingers are on -
Lu Han and Jongdae shriek, Kid and Stranger bellow, and everything goes black.
---
“Another carton of chocolate bubble tea.” Chanyeol runs the metal detector over the box, and sends it on the automated trolley over to Kyungsoo, who logs it neatly in his log book.
“That’s like, the fifth one today,” Baekhyun remarks. Kyungsoo holds up seven fingers in correction.
“Seven.” Sehun nods with an approving smile. It’s nearly half a year’s worth of tea for his needs, and that was only a day’s worth of fan presents. Hooking up with the superheroes was looking to be a very good deal indeed.
Sehun grabs a package of Oreos and a cup of chocolate bubble tea, and settles down for the news for the latest on the progress the police have made with Lu Han and his team. Police have returned all of their loot to their original places, including Mars and the Great Wall of China, and Lu Han and Jongdae are currently held under bail. Sehun still finds a grin creeping onto his lips when he remembers Lu Han and his team bound by thick strands of rope courtesy of Suho’s ray guns, struggling as their rocket had sizzled and smoldered its way to worthlessness.
And Sehun had shot his way to stardom - news stations in every corner of the world ran a story on how Sehun had botched the world’s Number One Villain’s attempts to steal the sun. When the camera crews Suho had radioed for descended on the party in Jongdae's pod, everyone had assumed Sehun to be a fellow superhero-in-training - hell, even Suho's boss had offered Sehun an Official Superhero post, full medical and dental benefits you can start Monday, and Sehun hadn't exactly had a chance to refute this assumption, nor found much reason to. People were queueing up outside Sehun’s pod to interview him - Kyungsoo still has to chase people off their lawn on a daily basis, since the security measures they had put up before were simply overwhelmed with the number of people that wanted to see Sehun.
And the fan presents! There was a never-ending supply of whatever Sehun wanted; everything Sehun knew of and everything Sehun didn’t, so much that the minion squad took to making an inventory of the deliveries. If there’s one thing Sehun’s learned from this, it’s that bitches love superheroes.
Bitches don’t, however, love superheroes’ brothers, and Sehun can’t help but feel a twinge of pain for Lu Han, locked up somewhere musty and dark. Lu Han might have not been the best brother, but he is still Sehun’s brother. Sehun had spent a good part of his life living for validation from this one guy, and this one guy was now in custody to be put away, possibly forever. Even the hardest, coldest heart of the evilest, meanest villain would be shaken, Sehun thinks. (Or perhaps he’s changing because of this entire superhero business, or, as Kyungsoo might tell him, he had never been really evil deep down, anyway, but whatever.)
So he places a call straight to the prison Lu Han’s held in - he gets through with surprising ease, but that’s probably because bitches, and even prison wardens, love superheroes.
“Hello?” Lu Han sounds suspicious, wary and, beneath it all, afraid. This cracks at Sehun’s already weakening resolve - and he bites his lip before taking a deep breath.
“How are you holding up,” Sehun asks quietly. Lu Han’s breathing is measured through the line.
“Okay,” Lu Han says slowly.
“Hyung,” Sehun says - it’s the first time in years that Sehun’s called Lu Han that, and it’s a physical punch to the gut for both of them; Sehun can hear Lu Han hold his breath for a second.
“Oh, Sehun,” Lu Han says quietly after a while, and Sehun very nearly wants to cry and pitch himself into Lu Han’s arms like the real baby brother he is.
“Hyung,” Sehun says, “I want to get you out of there.”
Lu Han doesn’t say anything, but Sehun barrels on. “I know I can, we have a light-speed space vehicle that can transport you guys out of there after Chanyeol makes a hole in the roof of the prison.”
It’s a very long time before Lu Han manages a reply, but a very quiet, very sincere, “thank you, Sehun,” comes through the line that makes Sehun smile bigger than he’s ever smiled after any of his heists. Ever.
The saving is a relatively easy job - Chanyeol cuts a square block out of the roof of the detainment centre Lu Han and his party are in sufficiently quietly with their laser high-energy cutter and Kyungsoo lowers a rope that gets Lu Han and his five assistants onto their light-speed vehicle to cruise away fast enough before the police’s alarms start sounding in response to the gaping hole in the roof.
When they are dropped off on a boat bound for the Bahamas, Sehun waving from his vehicle as Baekhyun steers away into the clouds, Lu Han’s eyes catch Sehun’s, and there’s a gratitude in Lu Han’s eyes and a something else - possibly pure brotherhood feelings - that brings a bit of moisture to Sehun’s eyes, and a fuzzy little jump to his heart that stays there, buzzing happily for the rest of the day. Sehun’s always been a bit of a sap, Chanyeol tells him fondly.
Sehun’s first ever postcard is postmarked from the Bahamas, a short message from Lu Han wishing Sehun’s good health and a neatly printed “thanks”. The postscript, though, is unexpected:
Sehun watches as his Medal of Commendation from the police shines in the light in his living room, Kyungsoo wheels in today’s trolley of fan presents, and decides that this superhero business is probably here to stay, after all.
sehun-centric, gen, crack, pg-13
wicked is the new black. brought to you by our star villain, Oh Sehun and his minion squad, and everyone's favourite Jongdae. despicable me au.
this literally would not be here if not for badwolf_x, thanks jannah for holding my hand throughout this and betaing it ♥
Friday dawns dark and gloomy, but nothing shakes Sehun’s glee because they are finally ready with the satellite, all systems go. Baekhyun readies an a-ok sign behind the satellite, and Chanyeol yells “TAKEOFF READY” from the steer console, though none of them is really going to be taking off. Kyungsoo makes chocolate chip waffles for breakfast because Sehun likes to begin a good day with a yummy start, and after they’re all full, they head off for the nearby park with the satellite and steer console cockpit rigged up to Sehun’s space car.
Kyungsoo immediately sets up camp when they reach the park, Sehun picking a spot near the edge of the park under a large tree, because he burns easily. Their tent is erected under the tree, while Chanyeol takes a spot several metres away with the opaque console cockpit where there are no aerial obstructions. Baekhyun is eighty kilometres away in the middle of the park with the lodestone satellite ready for takeoff, and Kyungsoo fills the little empty compartment in Chanyeol’s steer console with snickerdoodles.
The minion squad is hooked up to a common channel on their headsets, while Sehun sips his chocolate bubble tea and looks over Kyungsoo’s shoulder at the video feed of the satellite and Chanyeol’s console.
“Alpha ready,” Chanyeol says.
“One sec,” Baekhyun says, “lodestone’s shaky on the holding device.”
Baekhyun takes a lot longer than a second, during which Sehun finishes his bubble tea, chats with Kyungsoo about the potential holiday home they’ll get in the Bahamas, and Chanyeol - wait.
When Sehun and Kyungsoo finally turn their attention to the video feed of the steer console, Chanyeol’s hands are decidedly not on the joystick, and there’s someone else’s voice in the console cockpit coming through the headset.
“What,” Sehun asks, as Kyungsoo’s eyes do their thing.
“We didn’t arrange for Chanyeol to have a helper, did we?” Kyungsoo wonders aloud, and Sehun scans his brain for the plan. Nope. Just the four of them.
They are unable to see the intruder (Sehun mentally curses the position of the camera), and Chanyeol seems to have lost hold of his headset. Kyungsoo’s repeated “Chanyeol”s yield no answer, but they can hear him making a conversation with the intruder.
“So this is cool,” the stranger says, “you do this often?”
“No, this is just, hehe, a one off thing.” Sehun thinks Chanyeol’s giggling a lot more than normal.
“So what does this do?”
“Oh, you know, just steers a satellite round the globe. This little joystick here,” Chanyeol says proudly, and they can see the tip of his finger point towards the joystick from the bottom of the video feed. Sehun grabs Kyungsoo’s headset to yell into the mic, but Chanyeol does not reply. Baekhyun is similarly yelling into the headset, “Beta ready, Chanyeol what the fuck are you doing,” but to no avail.
“That’s cool,” Stranger Guy says, and Sehun registers that his voice is pretty low and sexy. Chanyeol’s type. “So what does this button do?” Sehun sees a well-groomed finger point to the red DESTRUCT button, which has the word “DESTRUCT” embossed on the top. This stranger isn’t all that smart, Sehun thinks, and relaxes a bit. Maybe he’s just a visitor, one of Chanyeol’s friends who wanted to look at how satellite launches were done.
“So...” The stranger casually reaches forward to place his hand over the button. “What happens if I press it?”
Three things happen at once:
One: The stranger presses. Chanyeol shrieks. Sehun jumps up and hits his head on the top of the tent. Kyungsoo spills his strawberry smoothie.
Two: There is an enormous boom about 50 miles from where they are. Baekhyun yells so loud that Sehun thinks he can quite hear it even without the headset.
Three: Kyungsoo spies someone running out of the console cockpit, straight into a sports car that whizzes away. The someone is tall, has coiffed hair, and is not Chanyeol.
Sehun bursts out of their tent to hurry to the console cockpit, where Chanyeol is stock-still, his mouth open in a sort of caricature; Sehun can see most of his gums, and tonsils, even.
“What,” Sehun just says, surveying the cockpit. Chanyeol’s headset is stuffed somewhere between the back of his seat and the wall, and in the video feed of the satellite stands a smoking... structure, charred and crumbling.
“What,” Kyungsoo echoes, and hurriedly radios for Baekhyun. “Baekhyun, Baekhyun. Beta? Beta?”
“Yeah.” Baekhyun’s voice is a little disgruntled through the headset. “What the fuck, man, Chanyeol, you’re lucky I dived out of the way fast.”
“What happened?” Sehun stares at Chanyeol accusingly. “You just destructed our satellite.”
“I didn’t!” Chanyeol yelps, but has the sense to look a little sheepish. “I mean, he did! That stranger!”
“Wow,” Kyungsoo says, “you let a stranger into your cockpit?”
“Yeah, well,” Chanyeol looks down, “he was - so - tall! And attractive! It wasn’t my fault!”
Chanyeol approximates a pleading face. It turns out to be a lot more like a face asking to be punched to Sehun. So he does punch Chanyeol, and Chanyeol appropriates a kicked puppy expression. It quite possibly is even more annoying.
“Sorry,” Chanyeol says, “I - he - just - he was so tall!”
“You’re tall too?” Kyungsoo points out.
“Yeah, which is why! I liked talking without having to look downwards like I always do around you guys!”
Kyungsoo tosses his strawberry smoothie at Chanyeol just as Baekhyun finally reaches the console cockpit too, and Sehun and Kyungsoo turn around to be greeted by a very dishevelled Baekhyun, face streaked with ash and his hair flying in several different directions.
“Thanks, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says,and rolls his eyes.
Chanyeol starts a smile then visibly deflates when Baekhyun’s sarcasm gets through.
“Sorry,” Chanyeol says in a small voice and Kyungsoo sighs.
The ride back to their house is subdued without Chanyeol’s bass yelling and Baekhyun’s laughter, and when they all pile into the house Chanyeol has his head down, his hands together because it’s clear that Sehun is fuming.
“Sorry,” Chanyeol apologises before Sehun can say anything. “Don’t fire me!”
Sehun clenches his jaw and takes a deep, deep breath. Stay fab, Sehun, stay fab. Fab people don’t get mad.
“Msdgghhrr,” he manages, the closest to a non-mad expression he can give. Chanyeol smiles a little hesitantly, and rushes back down to the basement before Sehun can kick him out. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo follow sadly, their shoulders droopy. Sehun takes a sip of chocolate bubble tea, but it doesn’t even help.
Jjanggu, his pet creature, scurries towards him from under his seat and nudges his leg. With a fond sigh, Sehun sets his tea down on a nearby end table and picks Jjanggu up. “Jjanggu,” Sehun says as he strokes it, “what should I do? I have morons for minions and I won’t be able to thwart Jongdae’s plans! And he’s going to get the cup again and the Council might stop with the funds and -” He shudders at this point, because then he might have to be relegated to Normal Person status. Sehun is not made to do that. Sehun is made for big things.
“I just,” Sehun sighs, “I just want to be like my brother. Why is everything so difficult?” Lu Han had just about disappeared off the edge of the world two years ago after his successful Mars heist, with all attempts Sehun made to contact him failing pathetically. Sehun had no idea where his brother had gone, and it had crushed him, for a period of time, when he realised he might never hear his brother tell him well done, ever.
But perhaps all hope was not lost. If Sehun could find a way to contact Lu Han, perhaps his brother might be receptive to a brotherly partnership, just like how Sehun had visualized in all those dreams. They were sure to have a new plan, better and eviler than ever, to beat Jongdae. A smile creeps onto Sehun’s lips at this prospect; and besides, Sehun’s improved a great deal since he first became a villain-he’s no longer just a snivelly little brother any more. He’s just about as good as the average villain, and a worthy partner.
Before Sehun could radio for Kyungsoo to set up another search for Lu Han, however, there is an awfully rude rapping at the door. This is extraordinary, because their pod had been set up with several booby traps from the public pavement all the way up to the front door. Whoever’s at the door either is either SWAT field trained, or of the non-human variety. Sehun draws up the video feed from the surveillance camera at the front door and is pleased to see that, at least, their traps have managed to keep non-authorized human presence out, because the rapping was the result of a fairly small UFO-shaped convex disc repeatedly driving itself at the door, without any apparent signs of damage.
Sehun frowns, but he doesn’t have time to process anything because the disc smashes right through his door, zooming to a stop in front of him. Sehun jumps out of his chair and almost spills his chocolate bubble tea, saved only by his utter grace and agility. He does however, let out an alarmed little shriek, which brings the minion squad scrambling into the room, Chanyeol gawking openly at the splintering hole in the door the disc had made. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo join Sehun in staring suspiciously at the disc, which hovers in the air at Sehun’s eye level, buzzing quietly.
Just when Kyungsoo deems the disc of secondary importance and makes his way over to fix the door, the disc starts attacking Sehun, jabbing at different positions of his head repeatedly, light enough not to hurt but frequently enough to be annoying. Sehun shrieks and tries to get away, including swatting at the disc, and Chanyeol and Baekhyun contribute as well, but nothing seems to be able to stop it. Kyungsoo then notices a little post-it on the side of the disc that reads “open me”, and he points it out to Sehun, adding that the disc probably won’t stop attacking until Sehun does as the note instructs.
Sehun opens it. Or rather, he holds it, and it immediately reorganizes-not unlike a Transformer that Sehun had seen in the movies-to a little video player that hovers so all four of them can see. A video starts, and Sehun can see Jongdae on the screen with a row of his assistants behind him, smiling so smugly that Sehun is consumed with an urge to annihilate the video player.
“Hello, Sehun,” Jongdae says in a mock-important tone that is more derisive than anything else to Sehun’s ears, “I see you have failed.”
A giggle comes from behind Jongdae, possibly from the menacing-looking one with the eyebags, or the other one with the dimples. Sehun decides the tall, serious-looking one is pretty capable-looking and considers the possibility of poaching before he catches Chanyeol looking a bit starry-eyed at the very man, and then it occurs to Sehun that he bears a striking resemblance to the stranger in the cockpit. A cuter one that looks like he belongs in kindergarten completes the team-a rather strange looking team, in Sehun’s opinion.
Jongdae smiles. “As I expected, of course. This video is really,” Jongdae smiles a - sweet smile, for lack of a word, “just to touch base, make sure you made it home okay!”
The giggles grow to straight-out guffaws in the back. Sehun clenches his fist so tight his knuckles turn white, and Kyungsoo inches to pat Sehun’s fist gently so he remembers to release them slowly.
Just then, another screen lights up behind Jongdae and - wait - is that Lu Han? His Lu Han? All of Sehun’s dreams and aspirations?
“Great job, Jongdae,” Lu Han says with the air of superiority that Sehun is all too familiar with, and the screen behind Jongdae zips black.
Jongdae does another one of those smiles at Sehun, and leans in. “So we’re just planning to take off next Friday for the sun, and, guess what? The Council told me this’ll put my fifth trophy in the bag, which brings me to Higher Villian status, I’m sure you know.”
Sehun swallows and trembles in anger and jealousy.
“So,” Jongdae shoots at Sehun with guns made out of his fingers and winks, “good luck, Sehun, I love you, bro.”
The four of them watch as the video player self-destructs into a black mess onto the carpet (Kyungsoo blanches).
“Was that - Lu Han?” Baekhyun stares at the black mess. “Your... brother? Was - is - Jongdae working for him?”
Chanyeol is too shell-shocked for an answer, and Kyungsoo is still busy blanching at the mess. Sehun gulps nervously, because this means the enemy he’s been working against is really his brother, after all. Only the brother he’s been spending his life trying to keep up with. This also means all backups and alternatives are stomped flat on the ground and they quite literally have to sit and stare as Jongdae gets the sun and the status that Sehun has dreamed of from when he was a child. The Higher Villian status awarding also only happens once every decade, and that pretty much guarantees that Sehun can kiss it goodbye, given that the Council only keeps villains in business for fifteen years unless they obtain this status. This is Sehun’s sixth year as a villain.
Sehun is very nearly on the verge of breakdown. He wants to roll around on the floor kicking and throwing a fit, and he very nearly does, in fact, sliding lower and lower on his high armchair, his heels dragging two flat tracks on the carpet. He probably would have if not for a voice to his left, a voice that he didn’t recognize at all.
“Maybe I could help.” Sehun’s head whips to his left, where a man he has never seen stands in his living room with no shame, even though he probably was very recently guilty of breaking and entering. Sehun shrieks a broken shriek and jumps to his feet.
“Who the hell are you?” Sehun raises his - cup of bubble tea threateningly at the man. “Did you just break in? Are you human?” The presence of this strange man in his living room utterly unharmed by any of the booby traps they had set up against strangers raises a sort of strange fighting spirit in Sehun, one that makes him want to flip the bird at everything, including Lu Han, and show the world what he was made of. Sehun doesn’t know where this fire came from, but it’s making him very fired up.
The man just smiles, showing his perfect row of shining teeth, the type that Sehun sees on toothpaste commercials, and even bows a bit. “Hello to you too. I’m Suho.”
Sehun and the minion squad just stare at him, and they exchange a few awkward moments of this staring before Suho figures they’re probably not going to say anything yet.
“So,” Suho’s smile is undeterred, “as I was saying, I have a plan - a proposition, perhaps, for you.”
Sehun is baffled. Firstly, this guy is quite visibly human, which alarms Sehun for obvious reasons - did the security measures outside his pod not work after all? Secondly, this guy’s smile is way too bright for anyone, human or not, and Sehun doesn’t like smiles. He’s supposed to bring doom and evil to the world, after all. It’s all very suspicious.
“How did you get in?” Baekhyun asks warily. Sehun can see Kyungsoo surreptitiously pull his handheld tablet out of the back of his pocket to ID the stranger, but his database registers a NOT IDENTIFIED.
“Ah,” Suho smiles, “maybe I should tell you more about myself. I’m a superhero.”
“A what?” Sehun narrows his eyes. Superheroes don’t belong in his pod; in fact, shouldn’t his pod positively repel superheroes?
“A superhero! Well, in-training, that is. We try to bring some good and cheer to this world!” Suho smiles.
“Um,” Chanyeol pipes up, “are you aware of what we do?”
“Of course, Chanyeol.” Suho smiles wider at Chanyeol’s shock at the knowledge of his name, “I do my homework before setting out on a quest. But I believe we have a common... shall we say, target? You are looking for a way to bring Jongdae down, am I correct?”
“Jongdae?” Sehun asks suspiciously. He isn’t all that happy with this stranger’s presence in his pod, but if Suho had an idea to destroy Jongdae (and perhaps show to Lu Han that he wasn’t a pushover little brother)... well, Sehun’s sure he could crush this random ditz in his living room with ease if he proved to be crap, anyway.
“The very man,” Suho says charmingly. “We do have a plan to destroy his rocket, but we might need to enlist your help.”
“Wait.” Sehun shoots a fierce look at the minion squad before any of them blurt out their previous disappointments with entering Jongdae’s pod in the first place. “You haven’t answered my previous question. How did you get in here?”
“Ah.” Suho gestures towards the ceiling of the living room. “You might have a bit of a security breach right there.”
Sehun turns to stare daggers at the minion squad, who are horrified at the statement, but Sehun decides to take care of the more pressing matters at hand.
“Right. So - your plan?”
“Yes.” Suho draws up a holographic chart out of nowhere, and directs them through an animated plan. “We get in Jongdae’s pod, wind through the air conditioning vents, down - here, where the rocket is, and we use your electrocution zapping ray gun to short-circuit it, effectively rendering it a useless heap of metal.”
“Yeah,” Chanyeol says almost boredly before Sehun can stop him, “we already tried. It’s impenetrable.”
Sehun thinks Suho’s talent of keeping that smile on his face no matter what is rather impressive, if nothing else. He even raises his eyebrows in excitement, like a magician about to reveal his greatest trick.
“Yep,” Suho says, “except we have Kai.”
“Kai?” Sehun and the minion squad chorus just as someone quite literally materializes in front of him. Even Sehun has trouble keeping his jaw hinged.
“Who - what -” Baekhyun sputters.
Kai gives them all a cocky little smile that makes Sehun’s skin crawl. “You called?”
“This is Kai.” Suho claps a hand on Kai’s shoulder, to which Kai wiggles away slightly. “And he can teleport, as you have just witnessed.”
“Teleport?”
“Yes-” Kai smirks, and teleports slightly closer to Sehun. “-like that.”
“Whoa,” Chanyeol says in awe. Sehun is actually also equally impressed by the teleportation, something no one in the villain world has managed to achieve, but manages to keep it in. Barely.
“So.” Suho jabs at his holographic chart. “Kai here will get in Jongdae’s pod, disable the front door security systems so the rest of us - or maybe just one of you who can work the ray gun, we don’t want to make it a party,” Suho amends pointedly, “and then we destroy Jongdae’s rocket.”
Suho ends his speech with a snap of his fingers.
“Um.” Kyungsoo looks hesitant. “Are you sure it’s going to be that easy? Can Kai really get into Jongdae’s pod? I mean, it’s impenetrable.”
“Yes.” Kai looks as if their heads were the impenetrable things here. “I can.”
Well, then.
Sehun isn’t so inclined to the idea of working with a superhero, the very antimatter of what he is supposed to be, but if this works, Jongdae would be thwarted, and Sehun could have another jab at stealing the sun instead. Besides, he’s sure the Council would be impressed if he outwitted Jongdae. And, this would be his chance to show the world (and Lu Han) what he was made of - no longer just a little brother aiming for attention.
Sehun is, after all, made for big things.
“So!” Suho claps his hands. “We have a deal?”
When Baekhyun whispers that they have nothing to lose, since Kai is the one venturing into Jongdae’s pod first, the four of them exchange dubious glances, and then Sehun gets up to shake Suho’s hand reluctantly.
----
It takes a while to detail their plans - Suho would leave nothing to chance, but the party manages to turn up in the bushes next to Jongdae’s pod the Friday Jongdae is scheduled to launch to the rocket to the sun. They’re probably cutting it a little close for Kyungsoo’s comfort, but it’s better than nothing, so Sehun braves the branches in his back and focuses on the screen they have hooked up to the camera strapped to Kai’s bulletproof, knife-proof, and hopefully vaporizer-proof bodysuit.
“Okay,” Kai’s voice crackles through the microphone after a minute of nerve-wracking, breath-holding waiting on Sehun’s part. “Whoa, he’s done a hell of a job on the renovation. This place is dope.”
It is dope. Jongdae now has velvet walls (an upgrade from the marble walls Kai had seen the last reconnaissance trip), so soft and sleek that Sehun wants to throw himself against the camera feed even with its poor resolution, marble floors studded with jewels, and bowls of gummy bears and every sort of cookie Sehun knows to exist at metre-long intervals along the hallways. Sehun can practically hear Kai contemplating the possibilities of changing camp in the next five minutes. He gulps nervously.
“Kai,” Suho says warningly, and Kai gives a long-suffering sigh before muttering an intelligible reply.
“Right.” Suho smiles. “First, zap any security cameras you see.”
“Use the fire ray gun,” Chanyeol suggests. Kai aims it at a security camera trained on the door, and it turns into a charred mess in a second - not the neatest way, but Sehun supposes it gets the job done.
Kai turns the camera onto the security retina scan next to the door - why a retina scan on the inside of Jongdae’s pod is required is beyond Sehun - so Baekhyun can instruct him on how to deactivate it.
It is difficult; Baekhyun has to get Kai to practically dismantle the entire thing - Kai gets frustrated halfway through and rips out the motherboard, which seems to do the trick. The doors rattle and slide open, and all of them rush through into Jongdae’s pod (Suho had voted against this, but Sehun wouldn’t miss seeing the destruction of Jongdae’s rocket in person for the life of him, and well, the minion squad really works as a threesome).
Inside Jongdae’s pod is luxurious and affected and just exactly what Sehun imagined. He turns up his nose and rolls his eyes, nudging Kyungsoo and shaking his head to say “look at this obnoxious ass”, even as he’s trying to take in as many details at once and memorizing the exact feel of the velvet so he can reproduce it after the Council awards him Higher Villian status.
Kai leads them into an air-conditioning vent, which is a squeeze for Sehun and a total problem for Chanyeol, who keeps whining about his limbs being in the awkwardest angles. Sehun chucks a snickerdoodle he snitched from one of Jongdae’s bowls into his mouth to shut him up, and they make their very long, very uncomfortable journey to the end of the vent.
“Hmm,” Kai says at the head of their little procession, “he changed the vents, too? Well, looks like we’ll have to get to the rocket launch pad through his... main office.”
Kyungsoo stares at Kai. Baekhyun hoists his light ray gun higher and adjusts his bodysuit. Sehun blinks.
Kai nods, and lifts a grille to hop down into Jongdae’s main office, teleporting immediately to the back of a chair. When he confirms that the office seems to be empty, Kai signals an a-ok, and the rest of them tumble down into the office.
It’s only when Chanyeol, the last of them, lands on the carpet that the alarm starts sounding. Sehun jumps in shock and horror, and Kai starts swearing.
“Fuck,” Kai yells and beckons them deeper into the office, “THIS WAY!”
There is no time to be discreet - Sehun can already hear a din going on outside the office and there are pincers sprouting from the walls and the floor that advance towards their party, no doubt triggered by the alarm, so Kyungsoo uses his demolishing ray gun to blast a hole through the door that Kai promises will lead to the rocket launch pad. Sehun and his team disappear into the alleyway that leads to the launch pad just as Lu Han, Jongdae, and four others burst into the office in horror, armed with an impressive array of guns and sticks and other things Sehun cannot identify, but are equally as intimidating.
It is a mad rush to the launch pad, Chanyeol blindly shooting with his fire ray guns and light ray guns behind him which do little to deter Jongdae and his team. When they finally crash into the launch pad, everyone has their guns and weapons out, trained on Lu Han and his team, but Sehun also finds himself staring down the barrel of Lu Han’s gun.
“Well, well, well,” Lu Han says with unnerving confidence, despite the fact that he’s got Sehun’s guns trained on him. Sehun doesn’t trust himself to speak.
“What do we have here?” Jongdae asks, crooking an eyebrow at Sehun.
Sehun tries putting on his most haughty expression - he’s been told that his default face is haughty, so he doesn’t need to try very hard. Lu Han gives him a pretty smile, the sort that promises furry toys and gummy bears with knives and ray guns strapped to their back.
“Our pretty Sehun,” Lu Han says, “too bad you’re never going to succeed.”
“Shut up.” Sehun tries to keep his voice as steady and menacing as he can. “I’m not your little brother any more.”
Lu Han giggles a bit, a laugh that makes Sehun’s blood boil because he’s not even taking Sehun seriously.
“This is the end of your evil,” Suho says calmly, but Sehun can hear the subtle nervousness under the calm.
“You’re a goner!” Sehun hears Chanyeol say in his bravest voice.
“Of course,” Lu Han says, “except you make any move on my rocket and -” Lu Han raises his gun a little - “this baby here’ll zap all of you to a crisp.”
Sehun gulps. One wrong move....
Out of the corner of his eye he sees Baekhyun inch the electrocuting ray gun to face the rocket, inch by excruciating inch. Thankfully, Suho sees this and starts easing into negotiations with Lu Han.
“Look,” Suho tells Lu Han, “we have guns as well. None of us want to turn into a crisp, so... if we could come to an agreement?”
Lu Han narrows his eyes, but waits for Suho to continue. Sehun silently cheers for Baekhyun in his head.
Suho smiles. “Perhaps we could sit down for some coffee and decide.”
“We don’t drink coffee,” Jongdae tells him, and the tall stranger from Chanyeol’s cockpit and the shorter kid-looking one behind Jongdae nod menacingly.
“Well...” Suho’s smile is undeterred. “I’m sure we could sit down with orange juice.”
Baekhyun’s gun clicks into position - Sehun sees Baekhyun make just the tiniest of nods, and there’s a silent count to three in all their heads -
Everyone on Sehun’s side of the room presses the buttons their fingers are on -
Lu Han and Jongdae shriek, Kid and Stranger bellow, and everything goes black.
---
“Another carton of chocolate bubble tea.” Chanyeol runs the metal detector over the box, and sends it on the automated trolley over to Kyungsoo, who logs it neatly in his log book.
“That’s like, the fifth one today,” Baekhyun remarks. Kyungsoo holds up seven fingers in correction.
“Seven.” Sehun nods with an approving smile. It’s nearly half a year’s worth of tea for his needs, and that was only a day’s worth of fan presents. Hooking up with the superheroes was looking to be a very good deal indeed.
Sehun grabs a package of Oreos and a cup of chocolate bubble tea, and settles down for the news for the latest on the progress the police have made with Lu Han and his team. Police have returned all of their loot to their original places, including Mars and the Great Wall of China, and Lu Han and Jongdae are currently held under bail. Sehun still finds a grin creeping onto his lips when he remembers Lu Han and his team bound by thick strands of rope courtesy of Suho’s ray guns, struggling as their rocket had sizzled and smoldered its way to worthlessness.
And Sehun had shot his way to stardom - news stations in every corner of the world ran a story on how Sehun had botched the world’s Number One Villain’s attempts to steal the sun. When the camera crews Suho had radioed for descended on the party in Jongdae's pod, everyone had assumed Sehun to be a fellow superhero-in-training - hell, even Suho's boss had offered Sehun an Official Superhero post, full medical and dental benefits you can start Monday, and Sehun hadn't exactly had a chance to refute this assumption, nor found much reason to. People were queueing up outside Sehun’s pod to interview him - Kyungsoo still has to chase people off their lawn on a daily basis, since the security measures they had put up before were simply overwhelmed with the number of people that wanted to see Sehun.
And the fan presents! There was a never-ending supply of whatever Sehun wanted; everything Sehun knew of and everything Sehun didn’t, so much that the minion squad took to making an inventory of the deliveries. If there’s one thing Sehun’s learned from this, it’s that bitches love superheroes.
Bitches don’t, however, love superheroes’ brothers, and Sehun can’t help but feel a twinge of pain for Lu Han, locked up somewhere musty and dark. Lu Han might have not been the best brother, but he is still Sehun’s brother. Sehun had spent a good part of his life living for validation from this one guy, and this one guy was now in custody to be put away, possibly forever. Even the hardest, coldest heart of the evilest, meanest villain would be shaken, Sehun thinks. (Or perhaps he’s changing because of this entire superhero business, or, as Kyungsoo might tell him, he had never been really evil deep down, anyway, but whatever.)
So he places a call straight to the prison Lu Han’s held in - he gets through with surprising ease, but that’s probably because bitches, and even prison wardens, love superheroes.
“Hello?” Lu Han sounds suspicious, wary and, beneath it all, afraid. This cracks at Sehun’s already weakening resolve - and he bites his lip before taking a deep breath.
“How are you holding up,” Sehun asks quietly. Lu Han’s breathing is measured through the line.
“Okay,” Lu Han says slowly.
“Hyung,” Sehun says - it’s the first time in years that Sehun’s called Lu Han that, and it’s a physical punch to the gut for both of them; Sehun can hear Lu Han hold his breath for a second.
“Oh, Sehun,” Lu Han says quietly after a while, and Sehun very nearly wants to cry and pitch himself into Lu Han’s arms like the real baby brother he is.
“Hyung,” Sehun says, “I want to get you out of there.”
Lu Han doesn’t say anything, but Sehun barrels on. “I know I can, we have a light-speed space vehicle that can transport you guys out of there after Chanyeol makes a hole in the roof of the prison.”
It’s a very long time before Lu Han manages a reply, but a very quiet, very sincere, “thank you, Sehun,” comes through the line that makes Sehun smile bigger than he’s ever smiled after any of his heists. Ever.
The saving is a relatively easy job - Chanyeol cuts a square block out of the roof of the detainment centre Lu Han and his party are in sufficiently quietly with their laser high-energy cutter and Kyungsoo lowers a rope that gets Lu Han and his five assistants onto their light-speed vehicle to cruise away fast enough before the police’s alarms start sounding in response to the gaping hole in the roof.
When they are dropped off on a boat bound for the Bahamas, Sehun waving from his vehicle as Baekhyun steers away into the clouds, Lu Han’s eyes catch Sehun’s, and there’s a gratitude in Lu Han’s eyes and a something else - possibly pure brotherhood feelings - that brings a bit of moisture to Sehun’s eyes, and a fuzzy little jump to his heart that stays there, buzzing happily for the rest of the day. Sehun’s always been a bit of a sap, Chanyeol tells him fondly.
Sehun’s first ever postcard is postmarked from the Bahamas, a short message from Lu Han wishing Sehun’s good health and a neatly printed “thanks”. The postscript, though, is unexpected:
Sehun watches as his Medal of Commendation from the police shines in the light in his living room, Kyungsoo wheels in today’s trolley of fan presents, and decides that this superhero business is probably here to stay, after all.