Remix of maayacola part 1
Title: ESPin (the Photogenic Remix)
Rating: NC-17
Group/Pairing: Pin
Warnings: temporary disability (blindness)
Notes: When I first read this amazing fic, I was dying to know what was going on behind the words that Yamapi could only hear. Then I got assigned to the writer. Korette destiny? I couldn't not tell this story through Jin's (seeing) eyes. I hope it is at least a little bit close to how you imagined him, Ms. Cola. ♥
Link to Original Story: The Five Senses
Link to Original Writer: maayacola
"What do you mean, you can't see?!"
Akanishi Jin is, by default, not a very anxious person. He had a lot of energy when he was younger, but as he has got older, he has become more laid-back and quiet. That's not to say that he doesn't get excited; there are many things that bring out the kid in him, like a few drinks or Yamapi, but for the most part he doesn't shriek and run around anymore.
Until now. Jin's mind is completely blank, all of his thoughts and brain power seeming to transfer into pure physical energy. He feels like he could take laps around the city right now, flip a car or something extreme like that. But all he does is squeeze Yamapi's hand that he'd rushed to grab the second they'd plowed down the nurse to get into his room, looking into those familiar eyes that don't look back at him.
The sun is starting to set outside the window, casting the sky in deep purple and blues, and all Jin can think is that Yamapi can't see it. Yamapi can't see anything.
"Don't freak out, Jin," Ryo tells him, but his face mirrors Jin's voice. Ryo's just better at hiding it. "Just calm the fuck down."
"What do you mean, 'don't freak out'?" Jin exclaims, and Ryo punches him in the arm. Ryo glances towards Yamapi pointedly, a wordless reminder that Jin's reactions will undoubtedly influence Yamapi's, but Jin won't relent. "His eyes are open, Ryo!"
Jin has been fortunate enough not to have a lot of experience with fear. The terrifying, gripping fear that comes with the unknown, not just being scared in a haunted house. But right now, staring down at Yamapi's unseeing eyes, it feels like ice-cold hands have coiled up his spine and squeezed. He's so inexplicably terrified that he's shaking as he leans over Yamapi, looking for any sign of recognition in those lifeless eyes that don't seem to notice him at all, and he laces his fingers through Yamapi's just to feel him move.
He barely processes Ryo waving a hand in front of Yamapi's face, asking him if he can see anything at all, and nothing changes in Yamapi's eyes. Jin focuses so hard that it physically hurts his head, and nothing.
"No," Yamapi says in this low, quiet voice, like they're in a library or somewhere where they absolutely must not be heard. It's then that Jin knows he's not the only one who's freaked out - of course Yamapi would be scared, he can't fucking see - and his heart aches. His intuition leads him right into the hospital bed, fitting awkwardly between Yamapi and the railing, and he wraps his arms around Yamapi like they used to do before they had to grow up.
"I can't see anything at all," and Jin holds him tighter, like if he can get close enough, he can see for him.
***
Kame's eyes are just as full of daggers and distrust as they were when they had to work together, only this time it's personal.
"Do you even know what you're doing?" Kame hisses at him. Yamapi and his mother are just around the corner, Yamapi staring blankly past Ryo while reciting his schedule and obligations for the next couple weeks. Ryo had offered to handle anything work-related, since he has a much better reputation in the company than Jin, and Jin had gladly let him. As far as Jin's concerned, work is irrelevant right now.
"I'm taking care of my best friend," Jin replies, too distracted to bother covering his defensive tone. "You would know what this feels like if you still had one."
"Don't turn this around on me," Kame snaps. "You're being stubborn and childish and the absolute worst thing you can do right now is take this responsibility on yourself. It's not good for you or him."
"Since when do you have the right to tell me what's good -" Jin starts.
"Since I know you," Kame cuts him off, staring hard into Jin's eyes. "I know you, and I know him. You both get attached really easily. It's probably why you're so close in the first place. If you go ahead with this, Yamashita will rely on you for everything. He'll become dependent on you. This isn't healthy for your relationship."
Jin sighs, purposely not meeting the stern gaze. "For the last time, Pi and I are not together like that. Just because you're gay doesn't mean everyone else is, okay?"
"That's not what I'm talking about," Kame insists. "In fact, that's why this is a bad idea. If you two were together, it would be better. That dependence would already be there. As it is now, when he can see again, there will be all of these leftover emotions that have nowhere to go. They could turn sour very easily. This could ruin your friendship, Jin."
"He's right," Ryo speaks up, joining them and taking his place next to Kame. It's like being faced with a midget stand-off. "I really think you should reconsider this, Jin. Pi's mom is, well, his mother. She already did this once. Who knows how Pi's going to react when it actually dawns on him that he can't see for six months? He's still in shock right now, but he could lash out at any time. I think he's capable of causing some serious damage. He needs to be with someone who won't take it personally and, most importantly, won't walk away from him."
"I won't take it personally," Jin rushes to say. "And I definitely won't walk away from him. I promise."
Kame's shaking his head. "You still sound like you're trying to get your mom to let you bring a stray home."
"Neither of you understand," Jin huffs, looking from one to the other as he becomes very aware of Yamapi across the room in a wheelchair, blind and alone, which is the only thing he cares about right now. "Both of you would just hire someone to deal with anything that demands too much of your time. Let me tell you something. Pi is one of the most important people in my life, and he needs me. I'm going to be there for him, no matter what, because that's what friends do."
Ryo swallows. "What if it were me?"
"I'd do it for you, too," Jin says with all of his being, then turns to Kame. "Even you."
A look of legitimate surprise crosses Kame's face. "Jin."
"I'm taking him home now," Jin tells them firmly. "Hospitals creep us both out."
He turns away before he can see anymore of their disapproving faces and jogs back to Yamapi's side. "Ready to go?" he asks with forced brightness.
Yamapi's smile lights up Jin's life, even if Yamapi's eyes aren't focused on him. Jin puts a hand on his shoulder and Yamapi instantly reaches up for it, squeezing his fingers and it feels like Yamapi's channelling his fear through Jin.
"If you need anything, you call me," Yamapi's mother tells him with nervous eyes. "I mean it."
"I will, I promise," Jin says, bowing his head before pushing Yamapi one-handed towards the exit.
"Thanks," Yamapi mumbles when they get outside, and Jin swallows down a rush of emotion that encompasses him. "I'll try not to be too much trouble."
"It's not a big deal," Jin replies, his voice completely even, but a lone tear escapes and falls down his cheek. He doesn't stop to wipe it away; it's okay to cry if Yamapi doesn't know.
***
It's comical, so he laughs. Yamapi looks a little like a drunk man as he stumbles around the apartment, knocking into anything and everything because they don't exactly have the most blind-friendly furniture layout. Yamapi laughs too, because Jin's laughing, and for a minute it feels like they're just playing a dumb game.
"Seven, eight, nine," they count together, in English, and Jin places Yamapi's hand on the doorknob. "This is the bathroom."
"Ah," Yamapi says, then turns the knob. "I have to go anyway."
Jin blinks, the game fading into reality fast. "Do you, um, need help?"
But Yamapi just laughs, and Jin can swear that Yamapi's giving him a look without actually seeing. "I think I can manage that on my own, Jin."
"Right," Jin says, moving to the side so Yamapi can enclose himself in the room. Jin makes use of the time by moving things out of the way that could be potentially hazardous, and then he hears the toilet flush and the sink turn on.
He watches Yamapi emerge back into the hallway, feeling his way around as he steps toward Jin. "Jin?"
"I'm right here," Jin replies, dumbfounded, because they're only a few meters apart.
Yamapi jumps visibly, then laughs again. "I can't see you, idiot."
It's a bit like watching a child take their first steps, which reminds Jin of Kame's stupid theory and he quickly takes Yamapi by the arm and leads him through the rest of their apartment. It's surreal to be the caretaker for once, since it's usually Yamapi guiding Jin through show business and hangovers and life despite being the younger one. He can only imagine how Yamapi feels, all of his control taken away and his entire existence basically put on hold until his eyes decide to work again, but he seems to be taking it well so far. Then again, it's only the first day.
Yamapi doesn't protest when Jin follows him into his bed that night, and Jin doesn't protest when Yamapi doesn't let go. It seems there's a bright side to this devastating situation, after all.
***
Jin feels a bit like a cheating husband when he sneaks out the moment Yamapi falls asleep. He still has work to do, and as much as he tried to get out of it, begged and pleaded and threw a royal fit that would put actual children to shame, his manager kept barking about compromise and how Yamapi would never forgive him if he put his entire career on hold because of him. That's what eventually got Jin to cave, but he insisted on making his own hours so that he wouldn't have to leave Yamapi by himself. At least when he's awake.
Luckily, they find a studio technician who is a night owl and agrees to let Jin record in the middle of the night. Jin likes the way his voice sounds at 2am, when everything else is dark and silent. Like Yamapi's eyes, he associates, the lyrics coming to him so fast that he can barely pull out his phone fast enough to type them down. He'll probably never do anything with them - not his style - but it feels good to get it out, expressing his fears in metaphors and symbolism.
"Jin, when are you sleeping?" Yamapi asks when he finally gets the truth out of Jin, because Yamapi's not stupid and more than anyone he understands the demand in this business.
Jin tries to laugh it off, but Yamapi's face tells him that he's not buying it. "I'm getting enough sleep. Naps here and there."
That's not completely a lie. Jin falls asleep at the studio on his breaks, between takes, and sometimes for a whole hour in the morning when he carefully slips under the covers so that Yamapi doesn't have to wake up alone. He catches some z's while Yamapi's in the shower, talking on the phone, or when they're just sitting around listening to music or talk shows. He always wakes up the second Yamapi moves or speaks, like he's attuned to the other's behavior.
"Jin," Yamapi says in that disapproving tone.
"Don't worry!" Jin assures him. "I'm fine! I'm a Johnny - I survive on techno beats, adrenaline, and lip gloss. Sleep is a luxury I’ve lived without before.”
Yamapi doesn't look convinced. "But Jin..."
"Let me take care of you," Jin says firmly. "Just let me. I want to."
There's no more argument, and they settle back to watch one of Arashi's many variety shows. That is, Jin watches, and Yamapi follows well enough since he knows all five of their voices and has a fairly good idea of how these shows work.
"Jun has the gayest pants on," Jin says after awhile. "I wish you could see them, they're hideous. Kame would set them on fire."
"Must be bad, then," Yamapi mumbles. He sounds a little frustrated, but Jin doesn't blame him. He'd be pissed if he missed out on an opportunity to mock Jun, too. "Can you describe them to me?"
"I can try, but I don't know if I can do them justice," Jin replies, cringing as he forces himself to really look at Jun's pants. "They're capris, first of all, and kind of ugly Christmas plaid drowned in glitter with what looks like streaks of silver nail polish."
"Christmas?" Yamapi wrinkles his nose. "It's August."
"I know," Jin agrees. "Too bad I can't like snap a picture and upload it to your brain. Like a human flash drive."
Yamapi snorts. "I won't ask where you'd stick it."
Jin laughs, but the wheels are already turning in his head. He has an idea.
"Sing to me," Yamapi says, and Jin jolts awake. "Anything, I don't care."
Despite his large internal database of songs, Jin can't think of one that's appropriate for him to sing a capella to his best friend in their living room. Yamapi wouldn't know the difference, since they're all in English, but if Jin's going to sing, it's going to be something he feels from deep in his heart, and it's not a good idea for him to go there concerning Yamapi.
He settles for the song he wrote about Yamapi's mindset, making up the beat as he goes and throwing in a few high notes and trills to show off. He watches Yamapi as he sings, eyes trained on that perfect face that remains relaxed and peaceful from beginning to end. Jin looks at Yamapi a lot more now, trying to gauge his reaction and feelings since his eyes are so distant. And it's not like Yamapi knows he's looking, so Jin can take his time examining the features he doesn't usually get the opportunity to appreciate. Flawless skin, defined edges, plump lips - it's no wonder he's an international superstar. Jin has always thought Yamapi was good-looking, but seeing him up close like this with no limits just paints him in a new light.
If anything, this whole experience has led Jin to appreciate his own eyesight much more.
After that first song, the rest is easy. Jin flows through most of his repertoire and considers going to get his guitar when Yamapi stops him. "You should rest your voice," he says, sounding regretful about it. "Don't you have to go to work tonight?"
"Be right back," is all Jin says, and Yamapi's face lights up when he hears the guitar chords. "Now it's your turn."
Something Jin admires about Yamapi is that he never holds back. When Yamapi sings, he sings with everything he has, no matter where he is or who's around. Yamapi loves music more than anything and Jin feels like he can read his mind right now as he belts out one of his favorite songs. At least it wasn't my hearing. Jin has flashes of the two of them frustratedly scribbling notes every time they wanted to talk and Yamapi yelling because he can't hear his own voice, and just the thought of everything being completely silent in his head has Jin inwardly thanking the Lord above for allowing him this beauty of sounds and voices and music.
Jin joins in on the harmony, as he is practically programmed to do after ten years in a boyband, and after the song ends, Yamapi smiles in his general direction.
"Ah, as long as I can still enjoy music, it's not that bad, right?" Yamapi says optimistically, and Jin no longer wonders if it's possible to acquire a sixth sense after losing one of the main five.
The next day, he sings what he has now dubbed as 'Pi's Song' into the mic of Yamapi's cell phone and sets it as his own ringtone.
***
"How is everything?" Kame asks, digging into his plate of seasoned ranch fries. "You know, at home."
"You act like I'm having marital troubles or something," Jin scoffs as he sinks his teeth into his own double bacon cheeseburger and doesn't bother waiting until he swallows to talk. It's just Kame. "I wouldn't tell you about those either."
Kame looks entirely too exasperated for five-thirty in the morning. "Wasn't this whole 'put the past behind us' thing your idea? I can think of much better things I could be doing with my time right now than arguing with you."
"Sorry, I just -" Jin interrupts himself with a yawn, which probably shows most of his chewed-up food, and Kame gives him an unimpressed look. "I haven't been sleeping a lot, okay? And I'm not up to one of your lectures."
"Not lecturing," Kame says slowly. "Simply asking how things are. Is he making any progress?"
Jin shakes his head. "Still completely blind. Can't even tell light from dark. He never knows what time it is." Jin laughs as he remembers programming a particular key on Yamapi's cell phone to say the time out loud. "We're having fun, though. We haven't spent this much time together since we were kids."
Kame's face relaxes into a smile, and Jin knows he's thinking back to the old days. "He always did like you the best."
"Of course he did, I'm his best friend," Jin boasts, pausing for a slurp of soda. "Still does, I'm sure."
"You could get him a dog, you know," Kame says carefully, and Jin picks up on the entire reason Kame asked him to meet. It may have been awhile since they worked together, but Kame still fails at being cunning and Jin can see right through him. "They're really smart. My brother's wife trains them. She'd probably loan you one for free."
Jin's first instinct is to snap at him, say something like he doesn't need Kame's help and if he were going to get Yamapi a seeing-eye dog - which he's not - he'd pay for it his damn self, but something in Kame's eyes stops him. Watching Yamapi so closely has led him to pay more attention to others as well, and the first thing he notices is the way Kame's eyes are actually soft, face relaxed, no ulterior motives. And Kame may be an exceptional actor, but not at five-thirty in the morning.
He's just trying to help, because once upon a time, they were all best friends.
"I'll talk to him about it," Jin says, and the briefest hint of a smile crosses Kame's lips.
"Let me give you my sister-in-law's number, just in case," Kame rushes to say.
Jin lets him take his phone and program a number into it. Then he remembers something. "Hey, Kame..."
"Yeah?"
"Can I borrow one of your old Polaroids?"
***
Six months. The phrase alone hits a trigger in Jin's mind, something everyone had been fixated on for so long that he picked it up, too. He left for six months. He was in L.A. for six months. He took a six-month hiatus. After six months abroad, he rejoined the group. Six months, six months, six months.
What everyone doesn't know was that 'six months' was never definite. Six months is just how long it took for Johnny to contact him. YOU, go to New York. In New York was KAT-TUN. And the rest is ancient history.
None of that is even relevant anymore, but the trigger is still there. When Yamapi gets out of his meeting with Johnny and tells Jin about his newly instated six-month hiatus, it brings everything flooding back like it's 2007 again.
"Six-month hiatus is Johnny's way of saying he doesn't know if you're ever coming back," he grumbles. "Trust me, I know."
He pauses as he remembers where he is, what year it is, and why he's guiding Yamapi through the hallways of the agency building.
"But it also means he really wants you to come back, too, so don't worry," he backpedals quickly, feeling like an asshole. Of course Yamapi would get his job back - he's Yamapi. Jin's hiatus and Yamapi's hiatus aren't in any way similar, and it's wrong to even compare them. Five years ago Jin was just a brat, and now Yamapi is temporarily blind. Jin wants to kick himself for even thinking of them at the same level.
But Yamapi holds onto his arm tighter, running his thumb comfortingly along the inside of Jin's wrist where nobody can see, and Jin feels better in an instant. It's ironic how Jin's the one navigating Yamapi everywhere, being the eyes for both of them, yet Yamapi's the one who keeps their spirits up. Just like before. It's enough normalcy to fool Jin into thinking that everything's okay, that nothing has changed and he's just spoiling Yamapi by cutting his meat for him and fixing his clothes when he inevitably puts them on wrong. He even gives him a hard time about it and Yamapi just laughs, joking about the blind leading the blind, and the atmosphere is light between them despite the heavy situation.
"Okay," Yamapi says decidedly one morning after he steps out of the shower, shirtless with his sweatpants on inside-out. "I can't take it anymore, Jin. I need you to do something for me, and it's going to be awkward."
Quite a few possibilities pop into Jin's mind at the declaration, but then he sees that Yamapi is holding up his razor. It's an actual blade, not one of the electric shavers or a disposable because Yamapi's old school like that, and Jin lifts an eyebrow even though Yamapi can't see him.
"Tired of looking like a caveman?" he teases.
Yamapi runs his hand along his face, making a bristling noise, and he cringes. "It's the idol in me, I don't know. It's driving me crazy and I'll probably slit my own throat if I try to do it myself, please Jin."
"Fine, fine," Jin gives in, like there was ever any doubt, and he pretends to shove Yamapi back into the bathroom. He fills the sink with water and gets out their shaving cream, examining the blade for any rust or nicks before getting to work. "It won't be awkward at all, just move your head when I tell you."
"Thanks," Yamapi says, closing his eyes when Jin claps the water on his face. Jin thinks it's odd because it's not like he's using them anyway, but maybe it's just a reflex when someone touches his face. He wouldn't know - he hasn't touched Yamapi's face before.
"Be still," Jin tells him, his voice low as he swirls on the shaving cream. "I'm going to do your jaw first, then your chin, and finish with your upper lip, okay?"
Yamapi's frothy white mouth turns up into a smile. "That's the order I do it, too."
A little bit of cream gets in Yamapi's still-damp hair as Jin turns his head, but he'll live. The act of shaving someone else is so different; Jin's immediately fascinated with the sound the blade makes as it cuts through Yamapi's surprisingly rough facial hair. It probably sounds the same when he does it to himself, but he's never noticed it before. Maybe this is what Yamapi meant by it being awkward, because right now Jin feels closer to Yamapi than he has this whole time. Especially when Yamapi leans his head back, he's trusting Jin with a blade to his throat and even a small gulp of anxiety could make Jin cut him by accident.
Yamapi doesn't gulp. He remains stone still the entire time, except when Jin's soft voice directs him where to move. He doesn't know why he's keeping quiet, it just goes with the mood, like Yamapi's asleep or in a trance and Jin doesn't want to wake him up. The only noises are the occasional clang of the blade against the sink when Jin rinses it and the hypnotic scraping along Yamapi's face. He can't even hear Yamapi breathe. It's such a surreal experience that it leaves him astounded and a little disappointed that it's over.
"Ah," Yamapi says happily. "Much better."
Now shaken out of his preoccupation, Jin silently rubs the aftershave in his hands and smacks it on Yamapi's face, laughing at the resulting shriek and death threats as he jumps to his feet. He's halfway down the hall before he remembers that Yamapi's not going to chase him this time.
"Sorry, I forgot," Jin mumbles as he reluctantly returns to the bathroom and cleans up.
"When I can see again, I'm going to make this up to you," Yamapi tells him seriously. "Like, whatever you want for six months."
Jin just pretends to laugh, because right now all he wants is for Yamapi to be able to see again.
***
Damn shutter. He'd tried to ask Kame how to turn the noise off, but Kame just laughed at him and said something about first world problems.
Oh, well. It's not like Yamapi needs to see his own face, anyway.
The first place Jin goes is Mastumoto Jun's closet.
***
Work has been good about leaving him alone thus far, but one night Jin's phone rings at 4am and he happens to be home for it.
"Do you know what time it is?" he answers, like he wasn't already awake.
"I heard this was the prime time to reach you," his manager replies sarcastically. She can be such a bitch sometimes. "I'll make it short and sweet. You were specifically asked for by the director of a new Hollywood movie for a bad-guy role, opposite Denzel Washington."
Jin sits straight up in his seat. This is big. Much bigger than Keanu Reeves. "Denzel Washington?"
"Yes," is the response. "It should only take four weeks, and it's being filmed in South Africa. When can you leave?"
Blinking at the darkness around him, Jin's mind travels back to the one who lay obliviously sleeping. Now he really feels like a dirty cheater. "I don't think I can take on a project like that right now," he says quietly. "Four weeks is a long time, and I need to be here."
"Jin, what are you saying? Are you crazy? This is exactly the kind of exposure you need in the States! You can't pay for better publicity than this!"
"I know, okay." Jin rubs his temples. "I know it's a big opportunity, but some things are more important than my career." She starts to talk again, but Jin cuts her off. "I know what I'm passing up, okay? Don't keep rubbing my face in it."
"I've been trying to work with you, Jin. I understand how important Yamashita-kun is to you. But wouldn't he want you to take this chance? This could be it, Jin!"
Do you really understand? Jin wants to yell. Could you possibly have any idea what I feel right now? Why I need to be here?
But all he does is sigh. "I wish I could say the decision is harder than it is, but it's not. I'll always choose him. Always." He pauses to let a twinge of heartache pass by. "It's four in the morning here, okay? So I'm going to bed. I'll call you tomorrow."
He slams the phone down so hard that for a second he thinks he broke it, then flops onto his back and puts his head in his hands.
"Jin, are you awake?"
"Pi!" Jin exclaims, nearly falling all over himself to scramble up and face the sleepy-looking man stumbling into the room. His first instinct is to run and turn on a light, but then he remembers it wouldn't make a difference. "How long have you been up?"
"I just got up," Yamapi replies, making a smacking sound like he's licking his lips. "I'm really thirsty."
"Oh!" Jin races for the kitchen for water, grateful for something to do, and keeps his hold on the glass because Yamapi's too tired to get a good grip on it.
"Why were you awake?" Yamapi asks after taking a long drink. Gulp, gulp, gulp.
"Just talking to some friends in America," Jin lies, and feels like the biggest asshole on the planet.
Most guys buy flowers or jewelry when they feel guilty. Jin buys a dog.
He knows Yamapi had overheard his conversation with his manager as soon as he doesn't put up a fight. He looks like he's genuinely trying to get along with this dog, who has of course been trained to attach himself to people and guide them around. Jin watches Miles get acquainted with Yamapi, trading quips with Yamapi about Jin's (completely awesome and unappreciated) taste in dogs and squealing his way out of a rather impressive collarbone attack, and when he sees Yamapi's fingers thread through the dog's fur over and over again, he feels wistful.
He doesn't know he'd sighed until Yamapi asks, "What is it now?"
"I'm jealous," Jin says without thinking, then widens his eyes until he sees a grin split on Yamapi's face.
"Don't worry, Jin, I'm sure Miles loves you, too. Maybe he just doesn't like the smell of cigarette smoke."
"Not about that," Jin says, lifting Yamapi's arm and laying his head right in Yamapi's lap. Miles is panting in his face, but he doesn't care anymore once Yamapi's fingers are in his hair, stroking his hairline and Jin may have sniffed at the same time Miles did.
Miles licks his face, and Jin makes a mental note to buy fresh-breath doggy biscuits.
***
The first time Yamapi takes Miles out by himself, to meet Toma, Jin thinks that fucker Kamenashi may have been right after all. He really is attached to Yamapi. And Yamapi is becoming more independent. Soon he won't need Jin at all. Blind people live alone all the time with seeing-eye dogs.
He wonders what Yamapi and Toma are talking about, if they're talking about him. Jin's brimming with questions when Yamapi returns, but he doesn't want to come off as nosy and just lets Yamapi go on about how nice it was to be outside and walking without help.
It won't be the first time Jin's let him go, even if he knows damn well he never actually did.
***
Jin wears his going-on-a-date cologne every day since Yamapi said he liked it.
***
There's something about rolling dough and simmering red sauce that just calms Jin down when he's feeling tense. Jin loves to cook. His favorite is Italian, solely for the preparation. Usually he doesn't have time to properly cook from scratch like that, but he's found himself with a lot of time lately.
After the breakfast disaster where his manager not only reamed him for continuing to refuse the movie offer but also had the nerve to question his relationship with Yamapi, Jin takes out his frustration on flour and eggs and tomatoes. Yamapi and Miles had gone out again, which makes Jin even more worried. Kame's sister-in-law had assured him that her dogs are fully trained and adequate, but everything has room for error. A seeing person can walk out into traffic if he's not paying attention.
His manager's accusation is nagging at him, too, but he's gotten really good at pushing those kinds of things away after so long.
The front door bangs open and relief floods Jin, who drops his spatula and turns around to greet them. But Miles is already at his feet, tugging on his pants and Jin can't run fast enough, tripping over himself until he reaches the genkan where Yamapi is slumped over, hands on his knees.
"What happened?" he demands.
At the sound of his voice, Yamapi lifts his head and stretches out his arms. Jin grabs onto his hands and nearly suffocates from the force of Yamapi's resulting hug; Yamapi is clinging to him like it's his means to live and gasping into his shoulder like he ran the whole way up the stairs, and maybe he did.
"Pi, what happened?" Jin asks again, more gently this time. "Did Miles do something -"
"I may be blind, but I'm not deaf!" Yamapi screams into Jin's shirt, and Jin's eyes fly open in shock. "I can still hear what people say when I walk away!"
Jin hasn't given two thoughts to Ryo's warning all those weeks ago, but now it resurfaces to the front of his mind as Yamapi seems on the verge of a hysterical tantrum right there in his arms. Jin manages to close the front door and kick off Yamapi's shoes without letting go of him, maneuvering them over to the couch where Yamapi curls up in his lap like a very big child. He seems to calm down once Jin starts stroking his hair, the scent of tangerines overpowering the sauce from the next room.
"What happened?" he asks for the third time. "Tell me."
"I smelled something good," Yamapi begins, his voice void of any energy now that Jin's fingers are in his hair. "I know you're cooking, but I didn't recognize the scent and wanted to go see what it was. Miles apparently didn't think it was a good idea to stop, so I just kept going and figured I'd ask you about it later. Then I heard them."
"Who?" Jin prompts carefully.
"Some kids, teenagers I think, maybe younger," Yamapi practically spits, and it surprises Jin because Yamapi loves kids. "I guess they've never seen a blind person before, or they're just rude. I don't want to repeat what they said, but it had to do with mental intelligence -"
"I'll kick their asses," Jin grumbles. He doesn't realize he's tightened his hand on Yamapi's hair until Yamapi winces.
"No you won't," Yamapi tells him, and he's right. "To make things worse, I got distracted and tripped. I'm not hurt," he rushes to add. "Just my pride."
"Those kids are dumb," Jin says bluntly. "You don't make fun of blind people. It's like kicking puppies."
Yamapi nods. "It probably shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did, but I just feel so helpless all the time and the one time I try to do something on my own, I can't."
"It won't be forever," Jin tells him, assuring himself as much as Yamapi. "Soon you will be able to see again and dance around the world while they're still on the street being nobodies."
"Thanks, Jin," Yamapi says quietly, taking a deep breath. "Your sauce smells really good."
Then Yamapi's stomach growls, and they both laugh. Jin carefully peels himself away from Yamapi and returns to the kitchen, where he finishes cooking and the two of them dine on a delicious Italian meal and cheap wine. Jin feels like a king.
While Yamapi's in the bath that night, Jin sneaks outside to look at the restaurants that line their street. The only new one is a Korean BBQ place, and Jin quickly snaps a picture of the sign.
***
"You're in love with him," Shirota accuses him.
It's a credit to how disoriented Jin feels that he doesn't punch Shirota in his beak nose. Or at least think about it. All he does is sigh and finally - finally - give in. "Of course I am."
Admitting it doesn't make him feel any better, although a large weight does seem to lift off of his shoulders. He looks up to see Shirota smiling at him, and there's a tiny, shimmering ray of hope until Shirota opens his mouth.
"Are you an idiot? You can't just fall in love with your blind best friend."
"It didn't just happen," Jin protests, staring at the floral centerpiece between them. Shirota likes to dine classy.
His snort, however, is not classy at all. "Jin, I've seen you at the clubs. You're straight. You're just getting attached, like Kazuya tried to warn you about -"
"Where the hell do you get off telling me how I feel?" Jin demands, then thinks to lower his voice. This isn't exactly the type of conversation he wants overheard. Then he recognizes the familiar name and narrows his eyes. "And since when do you call him 'Kazuya'?"
"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to," Shirota says, taking a sip of wine with his pinky in the air, and Jin's mind is filled with images he never, ever wanted to see. Ever. "Back to you and Pi. I really don't think it's a good idea for you to tell him until he can see again."
"I wasn't ever going to tell him," Jin mumbles. "I thought I could ignore it. I have ignored it... up until now."
Jin wants to kick himself. He should have known better. He can't control his feelings just like every other human being in this world and he'd known going into this that it would involve a lot of closeness and unconditional trust. He does almost everything for Yamapi, and he'd do even more if Yamapi needed him to. While it's true that he would have done the same thing for Ryo and even Kame, he definitely wouldn't have felt as strongly about it. He wouldn't die a little bit inside each time he saw their emotionless eyes or get irrationally angry when he thinks about how unfair it is, and he wouldn't have nearly as much fun just sitting around the house day in and day out doing absolutely nothing, just existing together.
Because he hasn't been in love with them since before he understood what that feeling even meant.
"I thought I could handle it," he thinks out loud. "Probably I should have let him stay with his mom, but I wanted to take care of him. I needed to be there for him. You don't understand, okay? It's not just some bullshit romantic love you have with girls. He's, like, my everything."
When he lifts his eyes, Shirota looks like the fucking Cheshire cat mutated with Big Bird.
"What the fuck are you grinning for?" Jin demands.
"Nothing," Shirota replies. "You're just cute when you're stupid in love."
Jin makes a face at him. "That's gross."
"I believe you, Jin," Shirota says seriously, and Jin frowns at the tone. "But you absolutely cannot tell him while he's like this."
"Why?" Jin whines, immediately freezing because this is the first time he's actually considered confessing and it scares him to death.
"Because he's dependent on you right now," Shirota answers, and Jin no longer has to wonder how he's so friendly with Kame. "What if he doesn't feel the same way? That would be really uncomfortable for him."
"You are the worst friend ever," Jin declares. "What makes you think he doesn't?"
"I don't know everything, Jin," Shirota says with an eyeroll. "He's not as transparent as you."
Jin huffs as he fingers the flowers in the centerpiece. They don't smell. "I'm not an idiot."
"No, you're not, just stubborn," Shirota amends, whipping out his cell phone to send a text. "And I am the best friend ever. I'll have Kazuya meet with Pi on his next day off and get the dirt so you don't make an ass out of yourself and ruin your friendship. After he can see."
"All of this was a lot easier when I was in denial," Jin grumbles.
Shirota's smug grin returns. "Would you like to buy some heartbreak insurance?"
Jin ignores him and orders a huge strawberry dessert. It smells like tangerines.
Rating: NC-17
Group/Pairing: Pin
Warnings: temporary disability (blindness)
Notes: When I first read this amazing fic, I was dying to know what was going on behind the words that Yamapi could only hear. Then I got assigned to the writer. Korette destiny? I couldn't not tell this story through Jin's (seeing) eyes. I hope it is at least a little bit close to how you imagined him, Ms. Cola. ♥
Link to Original Story: The Five Senses
Link to Original Writer: maayacola
"What do you mean, you can't see?!"
Akanishi Jin is, by default, not a very anxious person. He had a lot of energy when he was younger, but as he has got older, he has become more laid-back and quiet. That's not to say that he doesn't get excited; there are many things that bring out the kid in him, like a few drinks or Yamapi, but for the most part he doesn't shriek and run around anymore.
Until now. Jin's mind is completely blank, all of his thoughts and brain power seeming to transfer into pure physical energy. He feels like he could take laps around the city right now, flip a car or something extreme like that. But all he does is squeeze Yamapi's hand that he'd rushed to grab the second they'd plowed down the nurse to get into his room, looking into those familiar eyes that don't look back at him.
The sun is starting to set outside the window, casting the sky in deep purple and blues, and all Jin can think is that Yamapi can't see it. Yamapi can't see anything.
"Don't freak out, Jin," Ryo tells him, but his face mirrors Jin's voice. Ryo's just better at hiding it. "Just calm the fuck down."
"What do you mean, 'don't freak out'?" Jin exclaims, and Ryo punches him in the arm. Ryo glances towards Yamapi pointedly, a wordless reminder that Jin's reactions will undoubtedly influence Yamapi's, but Jin won't relent. "His eyes are open, Ryo!"
Jin has been fortunate enough not to have a lot of experience with fear. The terrifying, gripping fear that comes with the unknown, not just being scared in a haunted house. But right now, staring down at Yamapi's unseeing eyes, it feels like ice-cold hands have coiled up his spine and squeezed. He's so inexplicably terrified that he's shaking as he leans over Yamapi, looking for any sign of recognition in those lifeless eyes that don't seem to notice him at all, and he laces his fingers through Yamapi's just to feel him move.
He barely processes Ryo waving a hand in front of Yamapi's face, asking him if he can see anything at all, and nothing changes in Yamapi's eyes. Jin focuses so hard that it physically hurts his head, and nothing.
"No," Yamapi says in this low, quiet voice, like they're in a library or somewhere where they absolutely must not be heard. It's then that Jin knows he's not the only one who's freaked out - of course Yamapi would be scared, he can't fucking see - and his heart aches. His intuition leads him right into the hospital bed, fitting awkwardly between Yamapi and the railing, and he wraps his arms around Yamapi like they used to do before they had to grow up.
"I can't see anything at all," and Jin holds him tighter, like if he can get close enough, he can see for him.
***
Kame's eyes are just as full of daggers and distrust as they were when they had to work together, only this time it's personal.
"Do you even know what you're doing?" Kame hisses at him. Yamapi and his mother are just around the corner, Yamapi staring blankly past Ryo while reciting his schedule and obligations for the next couple weeks. Ryo had offered to handle anything work-related, since he has a much better reputation in the company than Jin, and Jin had gladly let him. As far as Jin's concerned, work is irrelevant right now.
"I'm taking care of my best friend," Jin replies, too distracted to bother covering his defensive tone. "You would know what this feels like if you still had one."
"Don't turn this around on me," Kame snaps. "You're being stubborn and childish and the absolute worst thing you can do right now is take this responsibility on yourself. It's not good for you or him."
"Since when do you have the right to tell me what's good -" Jin starts.
"Since I know you," Kame cuts him off, staring hard into Jin's eyes. "I know you, and I know him. You both get attached really easily. It's probably why you're so close in the first place. If you go ahead with this, Yamashita will rely on you for everything. He'll become dependent on you. This isn't healthy for your relationship."
Jin sighs, purposely not meeting the stern gaze. "For the last time, Pi and I are not together like that. Just because you're gay doesn't mean everyone else is, okay?"
"That's not what I'm talking about," Kame insists. "In fact, that's why this is a bad idea. If you two were together, it would be better. That dependence would already be there. As it is now, when he can see again, there will be all of these leftover emotions that have nowhere to go. They could turn sour very easily. This could ruin your friendship, Jin."
"He's right," Ryo speaks up, joining them and taking his place next to Kame. It's like being faced with a midget stand-off. "I really think you should reconsider this, Jin. Pi's mom is, well, his mother. She already did this once. Who knows how Pi's going to react when it actually dawns on him that he can't see for six months? He's still in shock right now, but he could lash out at any time. I think he's capable of causing some serious damage. He needs to be with someone who won't take it personally and, most importantly, won't walk away from him."
"I won't take it personally," Jin rushes to say. "And I definitely won't walk away from him. I promise."
Kame's shaking his head. "You still sound like you're trying to get your mom to let you bring a stray home."
"Neither of you understand," Jin huffs, looking from one to the other as he becomes very aware of Yamapi across the room in a wheelchair, blind and alone, which is the only thing he cares about right now. "Both of you would just hire someone to deal with anything that demands too much of your time. Let me tell you something. Pi is one of the most important people in my life, and he needs me. I'm going to be there for him, no matter what, because that's what friends do."
Ryo swallows. "What if it were me?"
"I'd do it for you, too," Jin says with all of his being, then turns to Kame. "Even you."
A look of legitimate surprise crosses Kame's face. "Jin."
"I'm taking him home now," Jin tells them firmly. "Hospitals creep us both out."
He turns away before he can see anymore of their disapproving faces and jogs back to Yamapi's side. "Ready to go?" he asks with forced brightness.
Yamapi's smile lights up Jin's life, even if Yamapi's eyes aren't focused on him. Jin puts a hand on his shoulder and Yamapi instantly reaches up for it, squeezing his fingers and it feels like Yamapi's channelling his fear through Jin.
"If you need anything, you call me," Yamapi's mother tells him with nervous eyes. "I mean it."
"I will, I promise," Jin says, bowing his head before pushing Yamapi one-handed towards the exit.
"Thanks," Yamapi mumbles when they get outside, and Jin swallows down a rush of emotion that encompasses him. "I'll try not to be too much trouble."
"It's not a big deal," Jin replies, his voice completely even, but a lone tear escapes and falls down his cheek. He doesn't stop to wipe it away; it's okay to cry if Yamapi doesn't know.
***
It's comical, so he laughs. Yamapi looks a little like a drunk man as he stumbles around the apartment, knocking into anything and everything because they don't exactly have the most blind-friendly furniture layout. Yamapi laughs too, because Jin's laughing, and for a minute it feels like they're just playing a dumb game.
"Seven, eight, nine," they count together, in English, and Jin places Yamapi's hand on the doorknob. "This is the bathroom."
"Ah," Yamapi says, then turns the knob. "I have to go anyway."
Jin blinks, the game fading into reality fast. "Do you, um, need help?"
But Yamapi just laughs, and Jin can swear that Yamapi's giving him a look without actually seeing. "I think I can manage that on my own, Jin."
"Right," Jin says, moving to the side so Yamapi can enclose himself in the room. Jin makes use of the time by moving things out of the way that could be potentially hazardous, and then he hears the toilet flush and the sink turn on.
He watches Yamapi emerge back into the hallway, feeling his way around as he steps toward Jin. "Jin?"
"I'm right here," Jin replies, dumbfounded, because they're only a few meters apart.
Yamapi jumps visibly, then laughs again. "I can't see you, idiot."
It's a bit like watching a child take their first steps, which reminds Jin of Kame's stupid theory and he quickly takes Yamapi by the arm and leads him through the rest of their apartment. It's surreal to be the caretaker for once, since it's usually Yamapi guiding Jin through show business and hangovers and life despite being the younger one. He can only imagine how Yamapi feels, all of his control taken away and his entire existence basically put on hold until his eyes decide to work again, but he seems to be taking it well so far. Then again, it's only the first day.
Yamapi doesn't protest when Jin follows him into his bed that night, and Jin doesn't protest when Yamapi doesn't let go. It seems there's a bright side to this devastating situation, after all.
***
Jin feels a bit like a cheating husband when he sneaks out the moment Yamapi falls asleep. He still has work to do, and as much as he tried to get out of it, begged and pleaded and threw a royal fit that would put actual children to shame, his manager kept barking about compromise and how Yamapi would never forgive him if he put his entire career on hold because of him. That's what eventually got Jin to cave, but he insisted on making his own hours so that he wouldn't have to leave Yamapi by himself. At least when he's awake.
Luckily, they find a studio technician who is a night owl and agrees to let Jin record in the middle of the night. Jin likes the way his voice sounds at 2am, when everything else is dark and silent. Like Yamapi's eyes, he associates, the lyrics coming to him so fast that he can barely pull out his phone fast enough to type them down. He'll probably never do anything with them - not his style - but it feels good to get it out, expressing his fears in metaphors and symbolism.
"Jin, when are you sleeping?" Yamapi asks when he finally gets the truth out of Jin, because Yamapi's not stupid and more than anyone he understands the demand in this business.
Jin tries to laugh it off, but Yamapi's face tells him that he's not buying it. "I'm getting enough sleep. Naps here and there."
That's not completely a lie. Jin falls asleep at the studio on his breaks, between takes, and sometimes for a whole hour in the morning when he carefully slips under the covers so that Yamapi doesn't have to wake up alone. He catches some z's while Yamapi's in the shower, talking on the phone, or when they're just sitting around listening to music or talk shows. He always wakes up the second Yamapi moves or speaks, like he's attuned to the other's behavior.
"Jin," Yamapi says in that disapproving tone.
"Don't worry!" Jin assures him. "I'm fine! I'm a Johnny - I survive on techno beats, adrenaline, and lip gloss. Sleep is a luxury I’ve lived without before.”
Yamapi doesn't look convinced. "But Jin..."
"Let me take care of you," Jin says firmly. "Just let me. I want to."
There's no more argument, and they settle back to watch one of Arashi's many variety shows. That is, Jin watches, and Yamapi follows well enough since he knows all five of their voices and has a fairly good idea of how these shows work.
"Jun has the gayest pants on," Jin says after awhile. "I wish you could see them, they're hideous. Kame would set them on fire."
"Must be bad, then," Yamapi mumbles. He sounds a little frustrated, but Jin doesn't blame him. He'd be pissed if he missed out on an opportunity to mock Jun, too. "Can you describe them to me?"
"I can try, but I don't know if I can do them justice," Jin replies, cringing as he forces himself to really look at Jun's pants. "They're capris, first of all, and kind of ugly Christmas plaid drowned in glitter with what looks like streaks of silver nail polish."
"Christmas?" Yamapi wrinkles his nose. "It's August."
"I know," Jin agrees. "Too bad I can't like snap a picture and upload it to your brain. Like a human flash drive."
Yamapi snorts. "I won't ask where you'd stick it."
Jin laughs, but the wheels are already turning in his head. He has an idea.
"Sing to me," Yamapi says, and Jin jolts awake. "Anything, I don't care."
Despite his large internal database of songs, Jin can't think of one that's appropriate for him to sing a capella to his best friend in their living room. Yamapi wouldn't know the difference, since they're all in English, but if Jin's going to sing, it's going to be something he feels from deep in his heart, and it's not a good idea for him to go there concerning Yamapi.
He settles for the song he wrote about Yamapi's mindset, making up the beat as he goes and throwing in a few high notes and trills to show off. He watches Yamapi as he sings, eyes trained on that perfect face that remains relaxed and peaceful from beginning to end. Jin looks at Yamapi a lot more now, trying to gauge his reaction and feelings since his eyes are so distant. And it's not like Yamapi knows he's looking, so Jin can take his time examining the features he doesn't usually get the opportunity to appreciate. Flawless skin, defined edges, plump lips - it's no wonder he's an international superstar. Jin has always thought Yamapi was good-looking, but seeing him up close like this with no limits just paints him in a new light.
If anything, this whole experience has led Jin to appreciate his own eyesight much more.
After that first song, the rest is easy. Jin flows through most of his repertoire and considers going to get his guitar when Yamapi stops him. "You should rest your voice," he says, sounding regretful about it. "Don't you have to go to work tonight?"
"Be right back," is all Jin says, and Yamapi's face lights up when he hears the guitar chords. "Now it's your turn."
Something Jin admires about Yamapi is that he never holds back. When Yamapi sings, he sings with everything he has, no matter where he is or who's around. Yamapi loves music more than anything and Jin feels like he can read his mind right now as he belts out one of his favorite songs. At least it wasn't my hearing. Jin has flashes of the two of them frustratedly scribbling notes every time they wanted to talk and Yamapi yelling because he can't hear his own voice, and just the thought of everything being completely silent in his head has Jin inwardly thanking the Lord above for allowing him this beauty of sounds and voices and music.
Jin joins in on the harmony, as he is practically programmed to do after ten years in a boyband, and after the song ends, Yamapi smiles in his general direction.
"Ah, as long as I can still enjoy music, it's not that bad, right?" Yamapi says optimistically, and Jin no longer wonders if it's possible to acquire a sixth sense after losing one of the main five.
The next day, he sings what he has now dubbed as 'Pi's Song' into the mic of Yamapi's cell phone and sets it as his own ringtone.
***
"How is everything?" Kame asks, digging into his plate of seasoned ranch fries. "You know, at home."
"You act like I'm having marital troubles or something," Jin scoffs as he sinks his teeth into his own double bacon cheeseburger and doesn't bother waiting until he swallows to talk. It's just Kame. "I wouldn't tell you about those either."
Kame looks entirely too exasperated for five-thirty in the morning. "Wasn't this whole 'put the past behind us' thing your idea? I can think of much better things I could be doing with my time right now than arguing with you."
"Sorry, I just -" Jin interrupts himself with a yawn, which probably shows most of his chewed-up food, and Kame gives him an unimpressed look. "I haven't been sleeping a lot, okay? And I'm not up to one of your lectures."
"Not lecturing," Kame says slowly. "Simply asking how things are. Is he making any progress?"
Jin shakes his head. "Still completely blind. Can't even tell light from dark. He never knows what time it is." Jin laughs as he remembers programming a particular key on Yamapi's cell phone to say the time out loud. "We're having fun, though. We haven't spent this much time together since we were kids."
Kame's face relaxes into a smile, and Jin knows he's thinking back to the old days. "He always did like you the best."
"Of course he did, I'm his best friend," Jin boasts, pausing for a slurp of soda. "Still does, I'm sure."
"You could get him a dog, you know," Kame says carefully, and Jin picks up on the entire reason Kame asked him to meet. It may have been awhile since they worked together, but Kame still fails at being cunning and Jin can see right through him. "They're really smart. My brother's wife trains them. She'd probably loan you one for free."
Jin's first instinct is to snap at him, say something like he doesn't need Kame's help and if he were going to get Yamapi a seeing-eye dog - which he's not - he'd pay for it his damn self, but something in Kame's eyes stops him. Watching Yamapi so closely has led him to pay more attention to others as well, and the first thing he notices is the way Kame's eyes are actually soft, face relaxed, no ulterior motives. And Kame may be an exceptional actor, but not at five-thirty in the morning.
He's just trying to help, because once upon a time, they were all best friends.
"I'll talk to him about it," Jin says, and the briefest hint of a smile crosses Kame's lips.
"Let me give you my sister-in-law's number, just in case," Kame rushes to say.
Jin lets him take his phone and program a number into it. Then he remembers something. "Hey, Kame..."
"Yeah?"
"Can I borrow one of your old Polaroids?"
***
Six months. The phrase alone hits a trigger in Jin's mind, something everyone had been fixated on for so long that he picked it up, too. He left for six months. He was in L.A. for six months. He took a six-month hiatus. After six months abroad, he rejoined the group. Six months, six months, six months.
What everyone doesn't know was that 'six months' was never definite. Six months is just how long it took for Johnny to contact him. YOU, go to New York. In New York was KAT-TUN. And the rest is ancient history.
None of that is even relevant anymore, but the trigger is still there. When Yamapi gets out of his meeting with Johnny and tells Jin about his newly instated six-month hiatus, it brings everything flooding back like it's 2007 again.
"Six-month hiatus is Johnny's way of saying he doesn't know if you're ever coming back," he grumbles. "Trust me, I know."
He pauses as he remembers where he is, what year it is, and why he's guiding Yamapi through the hallways of the agency building.
"But it also means he really wants you to come back, too, so don't worry," he backpedals quickly, feeling like an asshole. Of course Yamapi would get his job back - he's Yamapi. Jin's hiatus and Yamapi's hiatus aren't in any way similar, and it's wrong to even compare them. Five years ago Jin was just a brat, and now Yamapi is temporarily blind. Jin wants to kick himself for even thinking of them at the same level.
But Yamapi holds onto his arm tighter, running his thumb comfortingly along the inside of Jin's wrist where nobody can see, and Jin feels better in an instant. It's ironic how Jin's the one navigating Yamapi everywhere, being the eyes for both of them, yet Yamapi's the one who keeps their spirits up. Just like before. It's enough normalcy to fool Jin into thinking that everything's okay, that nothing has changed and he's just spoiling Yamapi by cutting his meat for him and fixing his clothes when he inevitably puts them on wrong. He even gives him a hard time about it and Yamapi just laughs, joking about the blind leading the blind, and the atmosphere is light between them despite the heavy situation.
"Okay," Yamapi says decidedly one morning after he steps out of the shower, shirtless with his sweatpants on inside-out. "I can't take it anymore, Jin. I need you to do something for me, and it's going to be awkward."
Quite a few possibilities pop into Jin's mind at the declaration, but then he sees that Yamapi is holding up his razor. It's an actual blade, not one of the electric shavers or a disposable because Yamapi's old school like that, and Jin lifts an eyebrow even though Yamapi can't see him.
"Tired of looking like a caveman?" he teases.
Yamapi runs his hand along his face, making a bristling noise, and he cringes. "It's the idol in me, I don't know. It's driving me crazy and I'll probably slit my own throat if I try to do it myself, please Jin."
"Fine, fine," Jin gives in, like there was ever any doubt, and he pretends to shove Yamapi back into the bathroom. He fills the sink with water and gets out their shaving cream, examining the blade for any rust or nicks before getting to work. "It won't be awkward at all, just move your head when I tell you."
"Thanks," Yamapi says, closing his eyes when Jin claps the water on his face. Jin thinks it's odd because it's not like he's using them anyway, but maybe it's just a reflex when someone touches his face. He wouldn't know - he hasn't touched Yamapi's face before.
"Be still," Jin tells him, his voice low as he swirls on the shaving cream. "I'm going to do your jaw first, then your chin, and finish with your upper lip, okay?"
Yamapi's frothy white mouth turns up into a smile. "That's the order I do it, too."
A little bit of cream gets in Yamapi's still-damp hair as Jin turns his head, but he'll live. The act of shaving someone else is so different; Jin's immediately fascinated with the sound the blade makes as it cuts through Yamapi's surprisingly rough facial hair. It probably sounds the same when he does it to himself, but he's never noticed it before. Maybe this is what Yamapi meant by it being awkward, because right now Jin feels closer to Yamapi than he has this whole time. Especially when Yamapi leans his head back, he's trusting Jin with a blade to his throat and even a small gulp of anxiety could make Jin cut him by accident.
Yamapi doesn't gulp. He remains stone still the entire time, except when Jin's soft voice directs him where to move. He doesn't know why he's keeping quiet, it just goes with the mood, like Yamapi's asleep or in a trance and Jin doesn't want to wake him up. The only noises are the occasional clang of the blade against the sink when Jin rinses it and the hypnotic scraping along Yamapi's face. He can't even hear Yamapi breathe. It's such a surreal experience that it leaves him astounded and a little disappointed that it's over.
"Ah," Yamapi says happily. "Much better."
Now shaken out of his preoccupation, Jin silently rubs the aftershave in his hands and smacks it on Yamapi's face, laughing at the resulting shriek and death threats as he jumps to his feet. He's halfway down the hall before he remembers that Yamapi's not going to chase him this time.
"Sorry, I forgot," Jin mumbles as he reluctantly returns to the bathroom and cleans up.
"When I can see again, I'm going to make this up to you," Yamapi tells him seriously. "Like, whatever you want for six months."
Jin just pretends to laugh, because right now all he wants is for Yamapi to be able to see again.
***
Damn shutter. He'd tried to ask Kame how to turn the noise off, but Kame just laughed at him and said something about first world problems.
Oh, well. It's not like Yamapi needs to see his own face, anyway.
The first place Jin goes is Mastumoto Jun's closet.
***
Work has been good about leaving him alone thus far, but one night Jin's phone rings at 4am and he happens to be home for it.
"Do you know what time it is?" he answers, like he wasn't already awake.
"I heard this was the prime time to reach you," his manager replies sarcastically. She can be such a bitch sometimes. "I'll make it short and sweet. You were specifically asked for by the director of a new Hollywood movie for a bad-guy role, opposite Denzel Washington."
Jin sits straight up in his seat. This is big. Much bigger than Keanu Reeves. "Denzel Washington?"
"Yes," is the response. "It should only take four weeks, and it's being filmed in South Africa. When can you leave?"
Blinking at the darkness around him, Jin's mind travels back to the one who lay obliviously sleeping. Now he really feels like a dirty cheater. "I don't think I can take on a project like that right now," he says quietly. "Four weeks is a long time, and I need to be here."
"Jin, what are you saying? Are you crazy? This is exactly the kind of exposure you need in the States! You can't pay for better publicity than this!"
"I know, okay." Jin rubs his temples. "I know it's a big opportunity, but some things are more important than my career." She starts to talk again, but Jin cuts her off. "I know what I'm passing up, okay? Don't keep rubbing my face in it."
"I've been trying to work with you, Jin. I understand how important Yamashita-kun is to you. But wouldn't he want you to take this chance? This could be it, Jin!"
Do you really understand? Jin wants to yell. Could you possibly have any idea what I feel right now? Why I need to be here?
But all he does is sigh. "I wish I could say the decision is harder than it is, but it's not. I'll always choose him. Always." He pauses to let a twinge of heartache pass by. "It's four in the morning here, okay? So I'm going to bed. I'll call you tomorrow."
He slams the phone down so hard that for a second he thinks he broke it, then flops onto his back and puts his head in his hands.
"Jin, are you awake?"
"Pi!" Jin exclaims, nearly falling all over himself to scramble up and face the sleepy-looking man stumbling into the room. His first instinct is to run and turn on a light, but then he remembers it wouldn't make a difference. "How long have you been up?"
"I just got up," Yamapi replies, making a smacking sound like he's licking his lips. "I'm really thirsty."
"Oh!" Jin races for the kitchen for water, grateful for something to do, and keeps his hold on the glass because Yamapi's too tired to get a good grip on it.
"Why were you awake?" Yamapi asks after taking a long drink. Gulp, gulp, gulp.
"Just talking to some friends in America," Jin lies, and feels like the biggest asshole on the planet.
Most guys buy flowers or jewelry when they feel guilty. Jin buys a dog.
He knows Yamapi had overheard his conversation with his manager as soon as he doesn't put up a fight. He looks like he's genuinely trying to get along with this dog, who has of course been trained to attach himself to people and guide them around. Jin watches Miles get acquainted with Yamapi, trading quips with Yamapi about Jin's (completely awesome and unappreciated) taste in dogs and squealing his way out of a rather impressive collarbone attack, and when he sees Yamapi's fingers thread through the dog's fur over and over again, he feels wistful.
He doesn't know he'd sighed until Yamapi asks, "What is it now?"
"I'm jealous," Jin says without thinking, then widens his eyes until he sees a grin split on Yamapi's face.
"Don't worry, Jin, I'm sure Miles loves you, too. Maybe he just doesn't like the smell of cigarette smoke."
"Not about that," Jin says, lifting Yamapi's arm and laying his head right in Yamapi's lap. Miles is panting in his face, but he doesn't care anymore once Yamapi's fingers are in his hair, stroking his hairline and Jin may have sniffed at the same time Miles did.
Miles licks his face, and Jin makes a mental note to buy fresh-breath doggy biscuits.
***
The first time Yamapi takes Miles out by himself, to meet Toma, Jin thinks that fucker Kamenashi may have been right after all. He really is attached to Yamapi. And Yamapi is becoming more independent. Soon he won't need Jin at all. Blind people live alone all the time with seeing-eye dogs.
He wonders what Yamapi and Toma are talking about, if they're talking about him. Jin's brimming with questions when Yamapi returns, but he doesn't want to come off as nosy and just lets Yamapi go on about how nice it was to be outside and walking without help.
It won't be the first time Jin's let him go, even if he knows damn well he never actually did.
***
Jin wears his going-on-a-date cologne every day since Yamapi said he liked it.
***
There's something about rolling dough and simmering red sauce that just calms Jin down when he's feeling tense. Jin loves to cook. His favorite is Italian, solely for the preparation. Usually he doesn't have time to properly cook from scratch like that, but he's found himself with a lot of time lately.
After the breakfast disaster where his manager not only reamed him for continuing to refuse the movie offer but also had the nerve to question his relationship with Yamapi, Jin takes out his frustration on flour and eggs and tomatoes. Yamapi and Miles had gone out again, which makes Jin even more worried. Kame's sister-in-law had assured him that her dogs are fully trained and adequate, but everything has room for error. A seeing person can walk out into traffic if he's not paying attention.
His manager's accusation is nagging at him, too, but he's gotten really good at pushing those kinds of things away after so long.
The front door bangs open and relief floods Jin, who drops his spatula and turns around to greet them. But Miles is already at his feet, tugging on his pants and Jin can't run fast enough, tripping over himself until he reaches the genkan where Yamapi is slumped over, hands on his knees.
"What happened?" he demands.
At the sound of his voice, Yamapi lifts his head and stretches out his arms. Jin grabs onto his hands and nearly suffocates from the force of Yamapi's resulting hug; Yamapi is clinging to him like it's his means to live and gasping into his shoulder like he ran the whole way up the stairs, and maybe he did.
"Pi, what happened?" Jin asks again, more gently this time. "Did Miles do something -"
"I may be blind, but I'm not deaf!" Yamapi screams into Jin's shirt, and Jin's eyes fly open in shock. "I can still hear what people say when I walk away!"
Jin hasn't given two thoughts to Ryo's warning all those weeks ago, but now it resurfaces to the front of his mind as Yamapi seems on the verge of a hysterical tantrum right there in his arms. Jin manages to close the front door and kick off Yamapi's shoes without letting go of him, maneuvering them over to the couch where Yamapi curls up in his lap like a very big child. He seems to calm down once Jin starts stroking his hair, the scent of tangerines overpowering the sauce from the next room.
"What happened?" he asks for the third time. "Tell me."
"I smelled something good," Yamapi begins, his voice void of any energy now that Jin's fingers are in his hair. "I know you're cooking, but I didn't recognize the scent and wanted to go see what it was. Miles apparently didn't think it was a good idea to stop, so I just kept going and figured I'd ask you about it later. Then I heard them."
"Who?" Jin prompts carefully.
"Some kids, teenagers I think, maybe younger," Yamapi practically spits, and it surprises Jin because Yamapi loves kids. "I guess they've never seen a blind person before, or they're just rude. I don't want to repeat what they said, but it had to do with mental intelligence -"
"I'll kick their asses," Jin grumbles. He doesn't realize he's tightened his hand on Yamapi's hair until Yamapi winces.
"No you won't," Yamapi tells him, and he's right. "To make things worse, I got distracted and tripped. I'm not hurt," he rushes to add. "Just my pride."
"Those kids are dumb," Jin says bluntly. "You don't make fun of blind people. It's like kicking puppies."
Yamapi nods. "It probably shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did, but I just feel so helpless all the time and the one time I try to do something on my own, I can't."
"It won't be forever," Jin tells him, assuring himself as much as Yamapi. "Soon you will be able to see again and dance around the world while they're still on the street being nobodies."
"Thanks, Jin," Yamapi says quietly, taking a deep breath. "Your sauce smells really good."
Then Yamapi's stomach growls, and they both laugh. Jin carefully peels himself away from Yamapi and returns to the kitchen, where he finishes cooking and the two of them dine on a delicious Italian meal and cheap wine. Jin feels like a king.
While Yamapi's in the bath that night, Jin sneaks outside to look at the restaurants that line their street. The only new one is a Korean BBQ place, and Jin quickly snaps a picture of the sign.
***
"You're in love with him," Shirota accuses him.
It's a credit to how disoriented Jin feels that he doesn't punch Shirota in his beak nose. Or at least think about it. All he does is sigh and finally - finally - give in. "Of course I am."
Admitting it doesn't make him feel any better, although a large weight does seem to lift off of his shoulders. He looks up to see Shirota smiling at him, and there's a tiny, shimmering ray of hope until Shirota opens his mouth.
"Are you an idiot? You can't just fall in love with your blind best friend."
"It didn't just happen," Jin protests, staring at the floral centerpiece between them. Shirota likes to dine classy.
His snort, however, is not classy at all. "Jin, I've seen you at the clubs. You're straight. You're just getting attached, like Kazuya tried to warn you about -"
"Where the hell do you get off telling me how I feel?" Jin demands, then thinks to lower his voice. This isn't exactly the type of conversation he wants overheard. Then he recognizes the familiar name and narrows his eyes. "And since when do you call him 'Kazuya'?"
"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to," Shirota says, taking a sip of wine with his pinky in the air, and Jin's mind is filled with images he never, ever wanted to see. Ever. "Back to you and Pi. I really don't think it's a good idea for you to tell him until he can see again."
"I wasn't ever going to tell him," Jin mumbles. "I thought I could ignore it. I have ignored it... up until now."
Jin wants to kick himself. He should have known better. He can't control his feelings just like every other human being in this world and he'd known going into this that it would involve a lot of closeness and unconditional trust. He does almost everything for Yamapi, and he'd do even more if Yamapi needed him to. While it's true that he would have done the same thing for Ryo and even Kame, he definitely wouldn't have felt as strongly about it. He wouldn't die a little bit inside each time he saw their emotionless eyes or get irrationally angry when he thinks about how unfair it is, and he wouldn't have nearly as much fun just sitting around the house day in and day out doing absolutely nothing, just existing together.
Because he hasn't been in love with them since before he understood what that feeling even meant.
"I thought I could handle it," he thinks out loud. "Probably I should have let him stay with his mom, but I wanted to take care of him. I needed to be there for him. You don't understand, okay? It's not just some bullshit romantic love you have with girls. He's, like, my everything."
When he lifts his eyes, Shirota looks like the fucking Cheshire cat mutated with Big Bird.
"What the fuck are you grinning for?" Jin demands.
"Nothing," Shirota replies. "You're just cute when you're stupid in love."
Jin makes a face at him. "That's gross."
"I believe you, Jin," Shirota says seriously, and Jin frowns at the tone. "But you absolutely cannot tell him while he's like this."
"Why?" Jin whines, immediately freezing because this is the first time he's actually considered confessing and it scares him to death.
"Because he's dependent on you right now," Shirota answers, and Jin no longer has to wonder how he's so friendly with Kame. "What if he doesn't feel the same way? That would be really uncomfortable for him."
"You are the worst friend ever," Jin declares. "What makes you think he doesn't?"
"I don't know everything, Jin," Shirota says with an eyeroll. "He's not as transparent as you."
Jin huffs as he fingers the flowers in the centerpiece. They don't smell. "I'm not an idiot."
"No, you're not, just stubborn," Shirota amends, whipping out his cell phone to send a text. "And I am the best friend ever. I'll have Kazuya meet with Pi on his next day off and get the dirt so you don't make an ass out of yourself and ruin your friendship. After he can see."
"All of this was a lot easier when I was in denial," Jin grumbles.
Shirota's smug grin returns. "Would you like to buy some heartbreak insurance?"
Jin ignores him and orders a huge strawberry dessert. It smells like tangerines.