Remix for lastingdreams8
Title: Subjects on earth
Rating: PG
Group/Pairing: NishiKato
Warnings: Character death
Notes: I’m so sorry. m(_ _ )m
Link to Original Story: Objects in Space
Link to Original Author: lastingdreams8
I see him walking out of Kitagawa’s office. The look on his face is completely blank, not giving away the storm that must be destroying his insides.
I want to go talk to him, but I have nothing to say. So I stare at him as he walks away.
He comes back to work two weeks after their return. The blank look is still on his face. He doesn’t laugh at all. But I don’t want him to laugh. I want him to cry. I wonder if he does when he’s at home on his own. Or maybe he holds it in, tries not to show weakness even to himself. Like I did.
Nobody knows what happened up there. The higher ups tell us the technicalities, but no one really knows what happened up there except for the ones who were there.
After we had lost contact, we tried everything to get it back up, but nothing worked. We tried to predict the course of action they would take; the one they had been trained to take in case of an emergency. But nothing ever goes the way it does in textbooks.
A mission that was supposed to take 6 months, but came back after 8, with two fewer members.
I haven’t seen the others around much. Except for when they had just come back. The one named Yamashita had a face very similar to Kato’s; empty. While Koyama, the chatterbox looked completely exhausted, his face was pale in contrast to his very red eyes.
Kato on the other hand had a completely different air about him. His face was completely blank, but his body language spoke volumes. Fear, relief, sorrow, disappointment, concern, but above all he was emanating self-loathing.
A ceremony is held a week after Kato returns to his work, in honor of Erika and Masuda. Koyama is sitting in the front row, a steady stream of tears running down his cheeks and a sob escaping his throat every now and then. Yamashita next to him has watery eyes that he keeps wiping furiously every few seconds.
After a few words from the director, Kato is asked to give a speech. He gets up from his place next to Koyama. He stands on the podium, his face still betraying nothing.
“Erika and Masuda were two of the finest people I have ever had the pleasure of working with. We will truly miss them greatly. Thank you.”
Kato finished and stepped off the stage, going back to his seat. An unsure applause ensued. The ceremony was wrapped up and people started moving closer to the two pictures at the front showing two people smiling. Even though I hadn’t been very close to either of them and had only talked to them a couple of times, looking at their smiling faces now, I wish I had had the chance to get to know them better.
I see Kato walking away out of the corner of my eye, and I end up following him. He heads down the stairs towards the basement, where the common rooms are located, but he walks past all the doors till what must be the south end of the building. I have never been here before. It’s very dark. He stops at a rather small stairwell that probably isn’t often used, and sits down on the ground leaning his head against the wall. I realize it’s probably the perfect hiding space because no one comes here, and even if they do, his body would be hidden by the wall. Suddenly I feel like a stalker. I think maybe I should walk away. But then I hear a sob half muffled by his hands I suppose. It’s the first time I’ve seen him let anything out. I’m still rooted to my spot wondering what I should do.
“Please go away,” I hear a faint sob, and almost wonder if it was my imagination.
I do the exact opposite for some reason and go sit next to him. Our shoulders are slightly touching and I hope he understands what I’m trying to say; you’re not alone.
Another sob shakes his whole body, thus mine as well. I want to wrap my arms around his shoulders, but I don’t feel quite comfortable doing that and I’m not sure how he would react either. We sit there for quite a while. I don’t want to look at my watch because I don’t want him to think I want to leave.
His crying has subsided now, and all that can be heard are sniffles.
“I hate myself for giving that speech,” he suddenly whispers, “They deserve so much better.”
“What do you think they deserve then?” I ask. I’m not very good with comforting people, but I think I should get him to talk as much as possible and let it all out.
“They deserve a speech talking about their great personalities. Erika is, was, so nosy,” Kato says with a small smile on his face, “She always wanted to know everything. I remember when she first joined my team she used to ask me dozens of questions about my private life. In the beginning I completely refused to answer, because honestly, it was none of her business, but she was so persistent that one time I completely flipped, I practically yelled out all of my private information, from my nickname as a child to the number of girlfriends’ I’d had and why I’d broken up with each. I remember her looking up to me with wide eyes, while the rest of my team and a few other people present at the time snickered, some even outright laughed. She came to me later that day bowed low and apologized profusely, but it had been my mistake. She had only been trying to get to know her team better.”
There’s a smile on his face as he reminisces about the girl, but there’s a steady stream along his cheeks and moisture above his lip accompanying it.
“Massu, Massu was just… There’s no word to describe Taka. Inside the company he’s always called ‘Massu’, but I used to call him Taka. He’s the one I’ve worked with longest, even before I became captain of the team. He could be such a clean freak. He absolutely hated it when someone touched his stuff. So much so that the permanent smile on his face would turn into a glare. But that smile was just amazing; so full of life. Even though he didn’t have many friends and he was kind of socially awkward, anyone who put in the effort to get to know him would be rewarded. Just by being around the boy you could get this amazing energy, even after a long day, or a long mission, just by seeing him smile…” Kato trails off, as he chokes back a sob.
“It was my duty to protect them,” his voice shakes as more tears make their way down his flushed cheeks, “‘Leave no one behind. Do whatever it takes to save your lives and the lives of others.’ It’s the unspoken code. The golden rule. But I… I…” his body shook and he buried his head in his knees.
I hesitate for a minute, my arm barely three inches from his back, before firmly placing it around his shoulders.
“It’s not your fault,” I find myself saying, but I know they’re empty words. I remember when someone spoke them to me when I was Kato’s position. My response being “How the hell would you know?!”
Kato doesn’t voice it out loud, but I can guess he’s probably thinking the same thing.
I can’t say Kato looks any better a week after the ceremony. After our talk, I find I can’t help but want to be around him, though I know there’s nothing I could offer that would help. The day after, I hesitated a little, before sitting down next to him at the cafeteria. I tried to start a conversation, but in the end, he just got up after finishing his meal, having not exchanged a word. The day after that, I bought him coffee and asked how he was doing. I got the standard, “Fine, thank you.”
After finishing work for the day I head back to my locker to grab my stuff. I stop in my tracks when I see Kato standing in front of a locker close to mine. I watch as he reaches up his hand and traces the printed letters that read ‘Masuda Takahisa’.
I walk towards my locker hesitantly, and as soon as he hears me, his arm falls to his side.
“Can I buy you dinner?” I ask, not really sure if I want him to accept or refuse.
“Thanks, but I should get home,” he says, stepping back from the locker and walking towards his own.
“Coffee then? Please,” I plead, not sure of my own actions, but it seems to work as Kato nods.
We settle down in the coffee chop across the street. A silence falls between us after ordering.
“So how are you?” I ask, my hands fidgeting beneath the table.
“Fi-
“Please don’t give me that answer again,” I say, cutting him off.
“Then don’t ask questions like that,” Kato says, looking slightly annoyed.
A waitress brings our coffee, and I watch as Kato picks his cup up, his hands slightly trembling, though I don’t know why.
“Are you seeing Tegoshi sensei?” I tried asking the doctor himself the other day, but of course I was told it’s confidential.
“I went the mandatory times, till I got cleared,” Kato says, before taking another sip.
I frown, “Maybe,” I hesitate because I’m not sure Kato wants to hear this from me, “Maybe you should start therapy sessions with him.”
“Thanks for the advice, but I’d rather work through this on my own.”
“Are you?” I know he doesn’t want to talk about it, but I think he needs to, “Are you working through it?”
He puts his cup down and gets up. “Thanks for the coffee,” he says before turning around and leaving the coffee shop.
I sigh as I take out my wallet. I want to help him, but I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
We go back to our old routine of me sitting next to him during lunch and eating in silence. I still bring him coffee every now and then, but it just becomes painful to watch him. The traces of the old Kato, one who I admittedly never really got to know, but heard so much about, completely gone.
It takes another two weeks for Koyama to come back to work. He looks healthy, smiling at people and hugging some, though there’s something about his aura that has undeniably changed, but that’s unavoidable.
He hugs Kato when he sees him, and Kato reciprocates, which is the greatest human contact I’ve seen him make so far.
“I missed you, Shige,” I hear Koyama say, a smile on his face, and his eyes a little watery, “How’ve you been?”
“Fine,” Shige says and there’s a rare smile accompanying it, it doesn’t fool me though, and I doubt it fools Koyama; I’ve heard how close these two are.
I wonder now that Koyama is back, if I should back off, maybe my job is done, though what I’ve accomplished is completely unclear even to me.
I still go to see Kato every now and then when I have time, and more often than not Koyama is with him. I wish I could say that now that Koyama is around Kato looks better, but I can’t.
It’s one of those times when I was heading towards the room, when I heard Kato’s voice, much louder than usual.
“What the hell do you want from me Koyama?” I hear him say, and stop by the door. I kind of feel like a snoop as I watch them through the open door.
Koyama looks kind of surprised, but determined at the same time. Kato on the other hand looks angry, but his shoulders are sloped, and fatigue is written all over his body.
“I just want you to be the Shige I used to know again. I want you to move on,” Koyama says in a soft voice.
“How the fuck am I supposed to do that? I lost two men!” Kato shouts again, his voice cracking slightly.
“It’s not your fault Shige,” Koyama pleads, and I see tears slowly making their way down his cheeks.
“Yes, it fucking is! I was the one in charge! I was the one who let it come to that! I should have stopped them!” Kato is crying now as well.
“It was their time, Shige. You can’t do anything about that. It sucks that they had to die, Shige. But at least, at least they died doing what they loved, in a place the loved. Wouldn’t you want to be so lucky?” Koyama asked, a small smile on his lips. “Think about it.”
Koyama rests his hand on Kato’s shoulder comfortingly, before leaving the room. He looks kind of startled when he sees me, but smiles politely, and bows before making his way down the hall.
I shift my weight from foot to foot, as I watch Kato sink into a chair, burying his face in his hands. I hear footsteps approaching and I quietly enter the room.
Kato looks up, his eyes widening a little when he sees me. He wipes at his eyes, looking to the other side. I approach slowly and take the seat across from him.
“I brought you coffee,” I offer him one of the cans.
As he doesn’t take it, I set it down on the table in front of him.
“Did you ever wonder why someone who isn’t an astronaut became CAPCOM for your mission?” I ask him, though I’m not sure I want to go through with this conversation.
“Huh? I did, but it was just an ISS mission, so I figured…” Kato trails off.
“While it’s true that for an ISS mission you normally don’t need an astronaut to be CAPCOM, but the truth is, I used to be an astronaut three years ago.”
This has Kato looking up at me with confused eyes, “That’s why I’d never heard of you.”
I nod. “The last mission I went on was the first time I was team leader. I can’t even begin to describe how nervous I was. We launched and were on course. Two months in and one of our engines broke down. We aborted the mission immediately and headed back. But the oxygen levels were suffering because of it. It took another three months to get back. I can’t even begin to describe those three months. And I don’t want to,” I pause, taking a shaky breath. I clench my teeth, trying to keep myself from crying.
“I lost one member; Aragaki Yui.”
Kato looks up at me with wide eyes, “What?” he asks, his voice hoarse.
“Aragaki Yui; childhood friend and fiancé of Kato Shigeaki.”
I can no longer stop the tears.
“That can’t be possible,” Kato says shaking his head, “I saw the report. The team leader was-
“Morita Go. Actually he was the second in command. That mission was already set to be Morita’s last. When we came back Kitagawa decided to write his name as team leader instead of mine, with Morita’s consent, but without mine. I got transferred immediately after that.
“Yui used to talk so much about you. During those three months the only time she was smiling was when she was talking about you,” I recall with a smile on my face, “I should’ve know she was lying when she said her oxygen tank was still half full,” I choke out a sob.
I take a moment to take a deep breath before continuing. “These three years I’ve felt responsible, and I wanted to apologize. That’s why I asked to be transferred back. I wondered if I should tell you before you left, I even went to Tegoshi sensei for advice. But in the end I was too much of a coward. I told myself I’d tell you once you got back, that it wouldn’t do to distract you with something like that before you left.”
I get up from my chair and look down at him. Our eyes meet for the first time since I mentioned his fiancé’s name. There are tears streaming down his cheek, that I can feel mirrored on mine, and a look of disbelief on his face.
I place my hands on my knees and bow.
“I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t mean anything now, but I’m sorry. I wish I could have taken her place. I’ve wanted to say that for three years. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I am truly sorry.”
“Why are you telling me this now? I’ve already accepted her death. I… I…”
I sit back down on the chair, and place my hands on his knees.
“I know what you’re going through, because I’ve been through it. I know that no matter how many times people tell you it wasn’t your fault, you’ll never believe those words. But you have a duty. You have a duty to live the lives they couldn’t finish. If you give up here, if you stop enjoying your life, what was the point of them sacrificing theirs?”
We sit silently for a few minutes, before I get up and leave the room. I feel a mixture of relief and exhaustion; having finally gotten it off my chest, and hoping that somehow I’d helped him.
The next morning I come in feeling a tiny bit nervous. When lunch break comes around, I make my way to the cafeteria heading for the seat next to the one usually occupied by Kato, but he’s not there. I sit down, wondering if he’s running late. Five minutes later Koyama sits across from me.
“He’s taken the week off,” he says as he takes a mouthful of the stew.
I blink in confusion, before smiling. Hopefully he’ll be able to work through things.
Ten days later I hear he’s back. I find myself being hopeful that he’ll look better, at least a tiny bit, and I wait in anticipation for lunch.
I’m surprised when there’s a knock on the door of the control room I work in. I turn around and to my surprise find Kato holding out a can of coffee.
“Do you have a minute?” he asks, in a serious tone.
I nod and get up from my chair. I shut the door behind me and we head to the common room at the end of the floor.
“Welcome back,” I say as we settle on the couch.
“Thanks,” he says, handing me the coffee.
“That’s what I came here to say actually; thanks,” he says, looking at me with serious eyes. “I went to see Yui. I realized just how much I miss her. When I heard the news the first time I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t angry, I was just in shock. I tried to deny it and buried myself in so much work that I didn’t have time to cry. In these last ten days I went through all the stages, whatever they are. I did denial, depression, anger, everything. And I finally got to acceptance. I want you to know I don’t blame you. I don’t blame anyone. I wish I did, maybe it would make things easier. Instead, I have this frustration that I’m not sure where to let out.”
I want to say something but I’m not sure what. So instead I just stay silent.
“I can’t say I’m all better now, but I’m on the way there. And it’s in great part thanks to you,” Kato says, a smile gracing his lips; one I haven’t seen since he’s been back.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more,” I mumble, wondering if he even heard me.
“As a thank you I’d like to buy you dinner, please?” Kato asks in a friendly voice. And though I feel I ought to decline, I can’t find it in me.
“Ok,” I say instead.
“Great. I’ll see you after work then,” Kato says, getting up and leaving the room.
I find him waiting outside the control room as I finish for the day.
“Ready?” he asks.
“Yeah, just need to grab my jacket,” I answer, walking towards the locker room.
The way to the restaurant is silent, as he drives and I look out the window.
It’s a little awkward after we’ve placed our orders. Neither of seem to know what to talk about. And it takes a while to find common ground, but we finally find it in music.
And before the evening is over I find myself inviting him over to my house to see my records collection.
The following weekend he comes over. I feel awkward yet again. Nobody ever comes to my apartment; I like my privacy. I hand him a beer and take a slug from my own.
“Can I ask you something?” he suddenly asks, while he’s sitting on the floor, looking through my CD collection
“Sure,” I say sitting down on the couch behind him.
“Why did you quit being an astronaut?”
I’m a little taken aback by his question; expecting something music related.
I wonder if I should make up some excuse that wouldn’t affect him, but decide to go for the truth instead. “I couldn’t handle the idea of being in charge of people like that again.”
“But you could’ve requested not to be made team leader again,” he asks, putting down the CDs and turning to look at me.
I mull the thought over in my mind for a second before I answer. “I think that even if I weren’t team leader, I still wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure. After what happened I just don’t think I could go up there again. I don’t love space the way I used to. I might even go as far as to say that I’m terrified of it now. I just couldn’t get over that.” It’s the first time I’ve admitted that even to myself.
“So why not just leave the industry entirely? Why still be involved?”
“At first I was determined to go back up there, to do what Yui would no longer be able to. When I realized that I couldn’t I wanted to still be able to support people with that dream. And I wanted a chance to meet you, to apologize, to make it up somehow. I know this sounds completely stalker-y and ridiculous and maybe even cheesy, and now I’m completely embarrassed.” I can feel my face getting hot as I bury it in my hands.
I look up when I hear Kato laughing. I think it’s the first time I’ve heard him laughing, and somehow it makes me feel relieved.
“Thank you,” he says smiling at me, “For everything.”
I look away quickly, still quite embarrassed.
“You wanna stay for dinner?” I ask him.
“Sure, I’d love to.”
Dinner is unexpectedly fun. It’s not awkward, and I’m less bothered by someone in my kitchen that I thought I’d be.
After we finish cleaning up we decide to watch a movie. The movie is “Apollo 13” that I had recently rented. Kato makes fun of all the lines and I end up joining in, even though it’s supposed to be a serious movie. He completely ruins the movie for me, but I can’t find it in myself to be annoyed, in fact, I kind of enjoyed it.
I honestly don’t know what happens after that. All I know is that suddenly Kato is kissing me, quite forcefully, so much so that I can hardly reciprocate. Everything after that is a blur. Somehow we make it to the bed, and at one moment I try to stop. I even tell him to.
He stops for a second, looking me in the eye, breathing hard and looking flushed.
“Why?” he asks.
I stare at him, trying to come up with an answer, but before I can, his tongue is invading my mouth. I keep my irrational remarks to myself after that.
The next morning I wake up shivering from the cold. I look around for the covers that I must have kicked away while I was sleeping, only to find a warm body wrapped with my covers. I remember what happened last night as I watch Kato’s back moving slowly to the rhythm of his breathing.
I get out of bed and take a shower. When I get out he’s still sleeping, so I go to the kitchen and make coffee. Usually I have toast for breakfast, but I wonder if I should make eggs or something today.
I’m lost in my thoughts when a voice comes from the doorway.
“Can I borrow your shower?” Kato asks.
“Sure,” I nod.
He disappears from the door, and I feel stupid for making things so awkward when he’s obviously completely fine.
I smile as I recall the image of him with bed hair; he looked kind of cute.
I end up serving him peanut butter sandwiches and coffee. He sits eating quietly across from at the table.
“Maybe we should talk about what happened last night,” I end up bringing up the subject after all.
He looks up for a second before turning back to his breakfast. “What do you wanna talk about exactly?”
“Why did that happen?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” he says and shrugs his shoulders, “It’s not something I normally do. Or used to do anyway,” he says a slight frown on his face.
“Was it a one time thing?” I ask and immediately feel like a high school girl.
“I don’t know,” he answers and takes a bite.
“So what do you know?” I ask as this is bringing us nowhere.
“I don’t know,” he replies and meets my eyes.
We stare at each other for a few seconds before I start laughing. He looks slightly embarrassed. It’s a glimpse of the old Kato, though I can’t say I knew the old Kato that well. But just like he said I think he’s changed, I thinks he’s hardened in a way, and I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I know I became hardened after losing Yui chan. I don’t know if it’s because of Yui, or because he’s been through the same things as I have, but I feel that maybe, just maybe, if I’m around Kato like this I can let my guard down a bit, let someone in and be honest with myself at the same time. I doubt he feels the same way, but maybe I can become something like that for him, not even necessarily as lovers, just as friends is fine.
“Maybe…” he cuts through my thoughts, biting his lip in hesitation or maybe deep though, “Maybe we can give it a shot, take things slow. I can’t say for sure if I like you or if I just need to be close to someone, but I wouldn’t mind finding out.”
I realize that his words reflect my feelings towards him, I’m not sure either. After last night I know I’m attracted to him both physically and as a person, but I don’t know how far it goes beyond that. So I agree. He smiles at me, and I feel like this might be a good thing.
There’s an unspoken rule amongst astronauts. Leave no one behind. Do whatever it takes to save your lives and the lives of others. And when tragedy strikes remember that the rule doesn’t just apply when you’re in space. So the last part I kind of added myself, but I think it’s good. I’ve lost a handful of people to the endless darkness. I wasn’t able to save the life of one of my crew, but maybe I had a hand in saving the life of another being instead.
Rating: PG
Group/Pairing: NishiKato
Warnings: Character death
Notes: I’m so sorry. m(_ _ )m
Link to Original Story: Objects in Space
Link to Original Author: lastingdreams8
I see him walking out of Kitagawa’s office. The look on his face is completely blank, not giving away the storm that must be destroying his insides.
I want to go talk to him, but I have nothing to say. So I stare at him as he walks away.
He comes back to work two weeks after their return. The blank look is still on his face. He doesn’t laugh at all. But I don’t want him to laugh. I want him to cry. I wonder if he does when he’s at home on his own. Or maybe he holds it in, tries not to show weakness even to himself. Like I did.
Nobody knows what happened up there. The higher ups tell us the technicalities, but no one really knows what happened up there except for the ones who were there.
After we had lost contact, we tried everything to get it back up, but nothing worked. We tried to predict the course of action they would take; the one they had been trained to take in case of an emergency. But nothing ever goes the way it does in textbooks.
A mission that was supposed to take 6 months, but came back after 8, with two fewer members.
I haven’t seen the others around much. Except for when they had just come back. The one named Yamashita had a face very similar to Kato’s; empty. While Koyama, the chatterbox looked completely exhausted, his face was pale in contrast to his very red eyes.
Kato on the other hand had a completely different air about him. His face was completely blank, but his body language spoke volumes. Fear, relief, sorrow, disappointment, concern, but above all he was emanating self-loathing.
A ceremony is held a week after Kato returns to his work, in honor of Erika and Masuda. Koyama is sitting in the front row, a steady stream of tears running down his cheeks and a sob escaping his throat every now and then. Yamashita next to him has watery eyes that he keeps wiping furiously every few seconds.
After a few words from the director, Kato is asked to give a speech. He gets up from his place next to Koyama. He stands on the podium, his face still betraying nothing.
“Erika and Masuda were two of the finest people I have ever had the pleasure of working with. We will truly miss them greatly. Thank you.”
Kato finished and stepped off the stage, going back to his seat. An unsure applause ensued. The ceremony was wrapped up and people started moving closer to the two pictures at the front showing two people smiling. Even though I hadn’t been very close to either of them and had only talked to them a couple of times, looking at their smiling faces now, I wish I had had the chance to get to know them better.
I see Kato walking away out of the corner of my eye, and I end up following him. He heads down the stairs towards the basement, where the common rooms are located, but he walks past all the doors till what must be the south end of the building. I have never been here before. It’s very dark. He stops at a rather small stairwell that probably isn’t often used, and sits down on the ground leaning his head against the wall. I realize it’s probably the perfect hiding space because no one comes here, and even if they do, his body would be hidden by the wall. Suddenly I feel like a stalker. I think maybe I should walk away. But then I hear a sob half muffled by his hands I suppose. It’s the first time I’ve seen him let anything out. I’m still rooted to my spot wondering what I should do.
“Please go away,” I hear a faint sob, and almost wonder if it was my imagination.
I do the exact opposite for some reason and go sit next to him. Our shoulders are slightly touching and I hope he understands what I’m trying to say; you’re not alone.
Another sob shakes his whole body, thus mine as well. I want to wrap my arms around his shoulders, but I don’t feel quite comfortable doing that and I’m not sure how he would react either. We sit there for quite a while. I don’t want to look at my watch because I don’t want him to think I want to leave.
His crying has subsided now, and all that can be heard are sniffles.
“I hate myself for giving that speech,” he suddenly whispers, “They deserve so much better.”
“What do you think they deserve then?” I ask. I’m not very good with comforting people, but I think I should get him to talk as much as possible and let it all out.
“They deserve a speech talking about their great personalities. Erika is, was, so nosy,” Kato says with a small smile on his face, “She always wanted to know everything. I remember when she first joined my team she used to ask me dozens of questions about my private life. In the beginning I completely refused to answer, because honestly, it was none of her business, but she was so persistent that one time I completely flipped, I practically yelled out all of my private information, from my nickname as a child to the number of girlfriends’ I’d had and why I’d broken up with each. I remember her looking up to me with wide eyes, while the rest of my team and a few other people present at the time snickered, some even outright laughed. She came to me later that day bowed low and apologized profusely, but it had been my mistake. She had only been trying to get to know her team better.”
There’s a smile on his face as he reminisces about the girl, but there’s a steady stream along his cheeks and moisture above his lip accompanying it.
“Massu, Massu was just… There’s no word to describe Taka. Inside the company he’s always called ‘Massu’, but I used to call him Taka. He’s the one I’ve worked with longest, even before I became captain of the team. He could be such a clean freak. He absolutely hated it when someone touched his stuff. So much so that the permanent smile on his face would turn into a glare. But that smile was just amazing; so full of life. Even though he didn’t have many friends and he was kind of socially awkward, anyone who put in the effort to get to know him would be rewarded. Just by being around the boy you could get this amazing energy, even after a long day, or a long mission, just by seeing him smile…” Kato trails off, as he chokes back a sob.
“It was my duty to protect them,” his voice shakes as more tears make their way down his flushed cheeks, “‘Leave no one behind. Do whatever it takes to save your lives and the lives of others.’ It’s the unspoken code. The golden rule. But I… I…” his body shook and he buried his head in his knees.
I hesitate for a minute, my arm barely three inches from his back, before firmly placing it around his shoulders.
“It’s not your fault,” I find myself saying, but I know they’re empty words. I remember when someone spoke them to me when I was Kato’s position. My response being “How the hell would you know?!”
Kato doesn’t voice it out loud, but I can guess he’s probably thinking the same thing.
I can’t say Kato looks any better a week after the ceremony. After our talk, I find I can’t help but want to be around him, though I know there’s nothing I could offer that would help. The day after, I hesitated a little, before sitting down next to him at the cafeteria. I tried to start a conversation, but in the end, he just got up after finishing his meal, having not exchanged a word. The day after that, I bought him coffee and asked how he was doing. I got the standard, “Fine, thank you.”
After finishing work for the day I head back to my locker to grab my stuff. I stop in my tracks when I see Kato standing in front of a locker close to mine. I watch as he reaches up his hand and traces the printed letters that read ‘Masuda Takahisa’.
I walk towards my locker hesitantly, and as soon as he hears me, his arm falls to his side.
“Can I buy you dinner?” I ask, not really sure if I want him to accept or refuse.
“Thanks, but I should get home,” he says, stepping back from the locker and walking towards his own.
“Coffee then? Please,” I plead, not sure of my own actions, but it seems to work as Kato nods.
We settle down in the coffee chop across the street. A silence falls between us after ordering.
“So how are you?” I ask, my hands fidgeting beneath the table.
“Fi-
“Please don’t give me that answer again,” I say, cutting him off.
“Then don’t ask questions like that,” Kato says, looking slightly annoyed.
A waitress brings our coffee, and I watch as Kato picks his cup up, his hands slightly trembling, though I don’t know why.
“Are you seeing Tegoshi sensei?” I tried asking the doctor himself the other day, but of course I was told it’s confidential.
“I went the mandatory times, till I got cleared,” Kato says, before taking another sip.
I frown, “Maybe,” I hesitate because I’m not sure Kato wants to hear this from me, “Maybe you should start therapy sessions with him.”
“Thanks for the advice, but I’d rather work through this on my own.”
“Are you?” I know he doesn’t want to talk about it, but I think he needs to, “Are you working through it?”
He puts his cup down and gets up. “Thanks for the coffee,” he says before turning around and leaving the coffee shop.
I sigh as I take out my wallet. I want to help him, but I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
We go back to our old routine of me sitting next to him during lunch and eating in silence. I still bring him coffee every now and then, but it just becomes painful to watch him. The traces of the old Kato, one who I admittedly never really got to know, but heard so much about, completely gone.
It takes another two weeks for Koyama to come back to work. He looks healthy, smiling at people and hugging some, though there’s something about his aura that has undeniably changed, but that’s unavoidable.
He hugs Kato when he sees him, and Kato reciprocates, which is the greatest human contact I’ve seen him make so far.
“I missed you, Shige,” I hear Koyama say, a smile on his face, and his eyes a little watery, “How’ve you been?”
“Fine,” Shige says and there’s a rare smile accompanying it, it doesn’t fool me though, and I doubt it fools Koyama; I’ve heard how close these two are.
I wonder now that Koyama is back, if I should back off, maybe my job is done, though what I’ve accomplished is completely unclear even to me.
I still go to see Kato every now and then when I have time, and more often than not Koyama is with him. I wish I could say that now that Koyama is around Kato looks better, but I can’t.
It’s one of those times when I was heading towards the room, when I heard Kato’s voice, much louder than usual.
“What the hell do you want from me Koyama?” I hear him say, and stop by the door. I kind of feel like a snoop as I watch them through the open door.
Koyama looks kind of surprised, but determined at the same time. Kato on the other hand looks angry, but his shoulders are sloped, and fatigue is written all over his body.
“I just want you to be the Shige I used to know again. I want you to move on,” Koyama says in a soft voice.
“How the fuck am I supposed to do that? I lost two men!” Kato shouts again, his voice cracking slightly.
“It’s not your fault Shige,” Koyama pleads, and I see tears slowly making their way down his cheeks.
“Yes, it fucking is! I was the one in charge! I was the one who let it come to that! I should have stopped them!” Kato is crying now as well.
“It was their time, Shige. You can’t do anything about that. It sucks that they had to die, Shige. But at least, at least they died doing what they loved, in a place the loved. Wouldn’t you want to be so lucky?” Koyama asked, a small smile on his lips. “Think about it.”
Koyama rests his hand on Kato’s shoulder comfortingly, before leaving the room. He looks kind of startled when he sees me, but smiles politely, and bows before making his way down the hall.
I shift my weight from foot to foot, as I watch Kato sink into a chair, burying his face in his hands. I hear footsteps approaching and I quietly enter the room.
Kato looks up, his eyes widening a little when he sees me. He wipes at his eyes, looking to the other side. I approach slowly and take the seat across from him.
“I brought you coffee,” I offer him one of the cans.
As he doesn’t take it, I set it down on the table in front of him.
“Did you ever wonder why someone who isn’t an astronaut became CAPCOM for your mission?” I ask him, though I’m not sure I want to go through with this conversation.
“Huh? I did, but it was just an ISS mission, so I figured…” Kato trails off.
“While it’s true that for an ISS mission you normally don’t need an astronaut to be CAPCOM, but the truth is, I used to be an astronaut three years ago.”
This has Kato looking up at me with confused eyes, “That’s why I’d never heard of you.”
I nod. “The last mission I went on was the first time I was team leader. I can’t even begin to describe how nervous I was. We launched and were on course. Two months in and one of our engines broke down. We aborted the mission immediately and headed back. But the oxygen levels were suffering because of it. It took another three months to get back. I can’t even begin to describe those three months. And I don’t want to,” I pause, taking a shaky breath. I clench my teeth, trying to keep myself from crying.
“I lost one member; Aragaki Yui.”
Kato looks up at me with wide eyes, “What?” he asks, his voice hoarse.
“Aragaki Yui; childhood friend and fiancé of Kato Shigeaki.”
I can no longer stop the tears.
“That can’t be possible,” Kato says shaking his head, “I saw the report. The team leader was-
“Morita Go. Actually he was the second in command. That mission was already set to be Morita’s last. When we came back Kitagawa decided to write his name as team leader instead of mine, with Morita’s consent, but without mine. I got transferred immediately after that.
“Yui used to talk so much about you. During those three months the only time she was smiling was when she was talking about you,” I recall with a smile on my face, “I should’ve know she was lying when she said her oxygen tank was still half full,” I choke out a sob.
I take a moment to take a deep breath before continuing. “These three years I’ve felt responsible, and I wanted to apologize. That’s why I asked to be transferred back. I wondered if I should tell you before you left, I even went to Tegoshi sensei for advice. But in the end I was too much of a coward. I told myself I’d tell you once you got back, that it wouldn’t do to distract you with something like that before you left.”
I get up from my chair and look down at him. Our eyes meet for the first time since I mentioned his fiancé’s name. There are tears streaming down his cheek, that I can feel mirrored on mine, and a look of disbelief on his face.
I place my hands on my knees and bow.
“I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t mean anything now, but I’m sorry. I wish I could have taken her place. I’ve wanted to say that for three years. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I am truly sorry.”
“Why are you telling me this now? I’ve already accepted her death. I… I…”
I sit back down on the chair, and place my hands on his knees.
“I know what you’re going through, because I’ve been through it. I know that no matter how many times people tell you it wasn’t your fault, you’ll never believe those words. But you have a duty. You have a duty to live the lives they couldn’t finish. If you give up here, if you stop enjoying your life, what was the point of them sacrificing theirs?”
We sit silently for a few minutes, before I get up and leave the room. I feel a mixture of relief and exhaustion; having finally gotten it off my chest, and hoping that somehow I’d helped him.
The next morning I come in feeling a tiny bit nervous. When lunch break comes around, I make my way to the cafeteria heading for the seat next to the one usually occupied by Kato, but he’s not there. I sit down, wondering if he’s running late. Five minutes later Koyama sits across from me.
“He’s taken the week off,” he says as he takes a mouthful of the stew.
I blink in confusion, before smiling. Hopefully he’ll be able to work through things.
Ten days later I hear he’s back. I find myself being hopeful that he’ll look better, at least a tiny bit, and I wait in anticipation for lunch.
I’m surprised when there’s a knock on the door of the control room I work in. I turn around and to my surprise find Kato holding out a can of coffee.
“Do you have a minute?” he asks, in a serious tone.
I nod and get up from my chair. I shut the door behind me and we head to the common room at the end of the floor.
“Welcome back,” I say as we settle on the couch.
“Thanks,” he says, handing me the coffee.
“That’s what I came here to say actually; thanks,” he says, looking at me with serious eyes. “I went to see Yui. I realized just how much I miss her. When I heard the news the first time I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t angry, I was just in shock. I tried to deny it and buried myself in so much work that I didn’t have time to cry. In these last ten days I went through all the stages, whatever they are. I did denial, depression, anger, everything. And I finally got to acceptance. I want you to know I don’t blame you. I don’t blame anyone. I wish I did, maybe it would make things easier. Instead, I have this frustration that I’m not sure where to let out.”
I want to say something but I’m not sure what. So instead I just stay silent.
“I can’t say I’m all better now, but I’m on the way there. And it’s in great part thanks to you,” Kato says, a smile gracing his lips; one I haven’t seen since he’s been back.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more,” I mumble, wondering if he even heard me.
“As a thank you I’d like to buy you dinner, please?” Kato asks in a friendly voice. And though I feel I ought to decline, I can’t find it in me.
“Ok,” I say instead.
“Great. I’ll see you after work then,” Kato says, getting up and leaving the room.
I find him waiting outside the control room as I finish for the day.
“Ready?” he asks.
“Yeah, just need to grab my jacket,” I answer, walking towards the locker room.
The way to the restaurant is silent, as he drives and I look out the window.
It’s a little awkward after we’ve placed our orders. Neither of seem to know what to talk about. And it takes a while to find common ground, but we finally find it in music.
And before the evening is over I find myself inviting him over to my house to see my records collection.
The following weekend he comes over. I feel awkward yet again. Nobody ever comes to my apartment; I like my privacy. I hand him a beer and take a slug from my own.
“Can I ask you something?” he suddenly asks, while he’s sitting on the floor, looking through my CD collection
“Sure,” I say sitting down on the couch behind him.
“Why did you quit being an astronaut?”
I’m a little taken aback by his question; expecting something music related.
I wonder if I should make up some excuse that wouldn’t affect him, but decide to go for the truth instead. “I couldn’t handle the idea of being in charge of people like that again.”
“But you could’ve requested not to be made team leader again,” he asks, putting down the CDs and turning to look at me.
I mull the thought over in my mind for a second before I answer. “I think that even if I weren’t team leader, I still wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure. After what happened I just don’t think I could go up there again. I don’t love space the way I used to. I might even go as far as to say that I’m terrified of it now. I just couldn’t get over that.” It’s the first time I’ve admitted that even to myself.
“So why not just leave the industry entirely? Why still be involved?”
“At first I was determined to go back up there, to do what Yui would no longer be able to. When I realized that I couldn’t I wanted to still be able to support people with that dream. And I wanted a chance to meet you, to apologize, to make it up somehow. I know this sounds completely stalker-y and ridiculous and maybe even cheesy, and now I’m completely embarrassed.” I can feel my face getting hot as I bury it in my hands.
I look up when I hear Kato laughing. I think it’s the first time I’ve heard him laughing, and somehow it makes me feel relieved.
“Thank you,” he says smiling at me, “For everything.”
I look away quickly, still quite embarrassed.
“You wanna stay for dinner?” I ask him.
“Sure, I’d love to.”
Dinner is unexpectedly fun. It’s not awkward, and I’m less bothered by someone in my kitchen that I thought I’d be.
After we finish cleaning up we decide to watch a movie. The movie is “Apollo 13” that I had recently rented. Kato makes fun of all the lines and I end up joining in, even though it’s supposed to be a serious movie. He completely ruins the movie for me, but I can’t find it in myself to be annoyed, in fact, I kind of enjoyed it.
I honestly don’t know what happens after that. All I know is that suddenly Kato is kissing me, quite forcefully, so much so that I can hardly reciprocate. Everything after that is a blur. Somehow we make it to the bed, and at one moment I try to stop. I even tell him to.
He stops for a second, looking me in the eye, breathing hard and looking flushed.
“Why?” he asks.
I stare at him, trying to come up with an answer, but before I can, his tongue is invading my mouth. I keep my irrational remarks to myself after that.
The next morning I wake up shivering from the cold. I look around for the covers that I must have kicked away while I was sleeping, only to find a warm body wrapped with my covers. I remember what happened last night as I watch Kato’s back moving slowly to the rhythm of his breathing.
I get out of bed and take a shower. When I get out he’s still sleeping, so I go to the kitchen and make coffee. Usually I have toast for breakfast, but I wonder if I should make eggs or something today.
I’m lost in my thoughts when a voice comes from the doorway.
“Can I borrow your shower?” Kato asks.
“Sure,” I nod.
He disappears from the door, and I feel stupid for making things so awkward when he’s obviously completely fine.
I smile as I recall the image of him with bed hair; he looked kind of cute.
I end up serving him peanut butter sandwiches and coffee. He sits eating quietly across from at the table.
“Maybe we should talk about what happened last night,” I end up bringing up the subject after all.
He looks up for a second before turning back to his breakfast. “What do you wanna talk about exactly?”
“Why did that happen?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” he says and shrugs his shoulders, “It’s not something I normally do. Or used to do anyway,” he says a slight frown on his face.
“Was it a one time thing?” I ask and immediately feel like a high school girl.
“I don’t know,” he answers and takes a bite.
“So what do you know?” I ask as this is bringing us nowhere.
“I don’t know,” he replies and meets my eyes.
We stare at each other for a few seconds before I start laughing. He looks slightly embarrassed. It’s a glimpse of the old Kato, though I can’t say I knew the old Kato that well. But just like he said I think he’s changed, I thinks he’s hardened in a way, and I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I know I became hardened after losing Yui chan. I don’t know if it’s because of Yui, or because he’s been through the same things as I have, but I feel that maybe, just maybe, if I’m around Kato like this I can let my guard down a bit, let someone in and be honest with myself at the same time. I doubt he feels the same way, but maybe I can become something like that for him, not even necessarily as lovers, just as friends is fine.
“Maybe…” he cuts through my thoughts, biting his lip in hesitation or maybe deep though, “Maybe we can give it a shot, take things slow. I can’t say for sure if I like you or if I just need to be close to someone, but I wouldn’t mind finding out.”
I realize that his words reflect my feelings towards him, I’m not sure either. After last night I know I’m attracted to him both physically and as a person, but I don’t know how far it goes beyond that. So I agree. He smiles at me, and I feel like this might be a good thing.
There’s an unspoken rule amongst astronauts. Leave no one behind. Do whatever it takes to save your lives and the lives of others. And when tragedy strikes remember that the rule doesn’t just apply when you’re in space. So the last part I kind of added myself, but I think it’s good. I’ve lost a handful of people to the endless darkness. I wasn’t able to save the life of one of my crew, but maybe I had a hand in saving the life of another being instead.