Remix of the_suit_case's 'Red Letter Day'
Title: Return to Sender
Rating: PG
Group/Pairing: Kanjani8/No pairing (or very mild Yasu/Subaru)
Warnings/Genre (ie mpreg, kinks, etc): Some angst.
Notes: This might come as a bit of a surprise to the original author. Sorry it’s kind of a big departure, but I loved the idea and wanted to take it further. Hope you don’t mind.
Link to Original Story: Red Letter Day
Link to Original Writer: the_suit_case
Return to Sender
They know. Of course they know something’s up. Yasu’s not usually the chattiest in the dressing room, they know he’s always too nervy to eat or joke around too much, but he knows that today his atmosphere must be all wrong. All through the tour he’s felt distant and removed, right until the moment he gets on stage. When he’s performing it’s a lot easier to smile and jump and concentrate on the fans. He looks around at so many people having a good time, he can almost forget he won’t be seeing this for much longer. As long as he doesn’t stop, as long as he keeps moving and focussing, he can keep pretending this isn’t it, this isn’t the end.
It’s only when he comes off stage that he remembers, and tries to pass off the tears on his face as sweat and the lump in his throat as hoarseness from the singing.
After the last show he can’t hide it though. He’s crying openly and the others can’t even tease him, they just look at him and amongst each other, trying to will someone into making the first move. Hina ruffles his hair and Maru puts his arm round his shoulders, and they chuckle awkwardly, but it just makes Yasu feel worse. He wants to run away, say he’s tired like he always is, but this is the last time he’ll be able to be a part of this. He wants to make sure he feels everything to the absolute limit. The accomplishment at finishing the tour, the euphoria of being with everyone in that adrenalin surge. The weariness, the final comedown after four months of shows. The togetherness, the shared feeling of having done it, as Kanjani8. And most of all Yasu wants to feel the crushing guilt, he wants to look around at his bandmates, his friends, and remember what he had. He deserves the guilt, he knows, but it’s too late now. It’s been too late for months.
”Yasuda-kun. We can’t help but notice your heart’s not in your work any more. We’ve been considering this for a while and monitoring the situation, but we think you probably agree that perhaps now is the time to talk about parting ways.”
In his heart, even though it’s hammering as though it might burst, he does agree.
The afterparty is loud and full of life. They did a great last show, went out on a high. Everyone seems so happy. Yasu wants to cling onto it and absorb it and lock it away in his heart. He wants this memory to be perfect, whatever happens tomorrow or the day after. But after a while it’s too much, he feels like his heart is overflowing, he can’t breathe, there’s too much feeling.
So, around 11 o’clock, he tries to sneak off. He figures everyone’s probably had enough drinks that they won’t really notice he’s gone. There’s enough people around that they won’t miss him, he tries to convince himself.
That’s what he’s been trying to convince himself all this time. But who’s he trying to kid? Just because there were seven of them, didn’t mean they didn’t notice someone was missing the first time.
The thought makes tears prick his eyes. He puts his head down and walks faster.
“Hey!”
Yasu’s heart sinks, panic rises, but he turns anyway and tries to smile at Ryo, approaching down the hallway of the hotel.
“Where are you off to?” he asks, voice loud with drinking but scratchy with singing.
“I’m sorry, I’m just really tired,” Yasu says, his mouth dry.
Ryo “Tch”s. “You don’t have the stamina! Sleep more! Eat more!” he says sternly. He comes over and wraps Yasu in a hug that he’ll have forgotten about in the morning. “We’ll tell you all about the great party you missed tomorrow,” he says, grinning.
Yasu starts to cry, but he thinks Ryo probably won’t notice. He pulls away, wants to tell Ryo yeah, he’ll see him in the morning, but he can’t.
As he walks back to the hotel he wishes he’d held on longer.
Blackout
Tomorrow Yasu is in Tokyo alone. And the others… he doesn’t want to think about that. Doesn’t want to imagine what they’re doing. How they’re feeling. He doesn’t even know what they know.
He lies in bed until he can’t stand the silence any more. Why isn’t his phone ringing? Why are there no angry messages? He wants to hear from them, he wants them to tell him what they think of him. He deserves it.
Maybe they don’t care. Maybe they’re thinking yeah, it’s about time.
That thought should make it easier, but it doesn’t.
He tries to play his guitar, but his hands are heavy and the sound is too loud. He knows he has to practice, prepare, but not yet. He wants to mourn.
He realises when they must’ve called a meeting when his phone finally starts ringing. He stares at the display, willing himself to pick up, until it stops. He daren’t listen to his messages. It’s not like it matters anyway.
Everyone calls him, some of them more than once, apart from Subaru, and that aches like a wound, deep inside his chest. His stomach is in knots. He can’t eat, he feels too sick. This is the worst, he’s the worst. How could he not tell his good friend, his close friend, after everything? It’s the worst, the worst.
Subaru doesn’t call. But one night, late, Yasu answers the door and Subaru walks right in.
Yasu covers his face with his hands. When he dares look at Subaru, Subaru isn’t looking at him.
“Why’d you do it?”
Yasu can’t speak for a minute. He’s afraid he’ll start sobbing and Subaru will hit him. After all, what does he have to be sad about? He’s the one who’s meant to be starting this bright new life, this new career!
“I’m sorry - ” he starts, but stops when he hears how pitiful his voice sounds. Like a little kid. And isn’t what this was all about? He tries to find the words, like an adult. But outside of songs, words aren’t his strong point.
“I don’t understand,” Subaru says softly. “They didn’t tell us anything. Just that you weren’t coming back.”
Subaru paces nervily, only glancing at Yasu from time to time. Yasu feels like if someone laid a hand on his shoulder right now, he’d shatter.
“Is it…” Subaru starts haltingly. “It’s not because of... a woman is it?” He frowns. “I always thought you’d say something if you had someone, but now…”
“No, no!” Yasu protests. He doesn’t blame Subaru for doubting now, though. After all, if he didn’t tell Subaru about this, what else might he have been hiding? “It’s nothing like that! There’s no-one…”
Subaru looks even more uneasy. “Is it because of - me?” he asks, staring at the floor. “I thought you understood me -”
Yasu squeezes his eyes shut and tries to just hear the words. “No, please don’t.” He couldn’t stand that.
“Then what?” Subaru persists, his voice soft.
Are we not good enough any more? is what Yasu hears. “We… decided it would be best if I left now,” he says, though it’s no answer at all. “Me and the agency,” he adds, like it makes it better.
Subaru stares at him in disbelief. “Why now? What happened? What are you going to do?”
Yasu wishes he didn’t have an answer. “I…” he shuts his eyes. “I’ve been writing songs - I want to sing them. Myself. By myself.” He hates how badly this is coming out. “One song an album isn’t enough. I want to write more music. I want a chance to show myself, what I can do. I… I’m not Johnnys anymore,” he says, with a hopeless smile.
“Bullshit!” Subaru strides over to him and grips both his arms near the shoulder. “You’re in Kanjani8, for god’s sake! If you’re not Johnnys, what the hell am I?!” He stops, eyes wide. “Is this because of FuraFura?” he asks, and Yasu’s heart is thumping uncomfortably in his chest.
There’s a lump in Yasu’s throat so big he can barely speak. He doesn’t know what to say.
It’s not like he’s jealous, really it’s not. Well, that’s only a part of it, anyway. Yasu wants to make music too, of course, he’d love to have the chance Subaru has. But more than that… he’s not seen Subaru so happy for a long time. He almost seems like a different person, when they start the new tour together. Like he’s in a different mode, and he’s running on a different track to everyone else. Yasu wonders if coming back to Kanjani8 is like a chore to him. But he doesn’t dare ask, because he’s afraid of the answer.
He’s heard the songs Subaru writes with Rikiya, heard Rikiya play them and Subaru sing them and they sound like real songs. When Subaru has that, he won’t have the time to be writing simple little songs with Yasu any more. To go back to the band with him and Ohkura and Maru seems… redundant. If people can see Flat Five Flowers, who needs a pretend version?
Subaru’s right in his face now, looking right into his eyes, and Yasu can’t look away. But it slowly gets through to him that Subaru’s not mad with him. He looks… melancholy. Even guilty. Worried. Yasu wants to touch him, to hug him, but he keeps his hands where they are.
“A little, I guess,” he says, voice hoarse. He tries to smile.
Subaru’s face is a mask. They stare at each other for some moments, and Subaru looks away first. His head drops forward till his chin is resting on his chest. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs, and for the first time Yasu is surprised.
“Why?” he blurts out stupidly.
Subaru leans forward so his forehead is against Yasu’s shoulder. Yasu doesn’t know what to do. It reminds him of a time so long ago that it feels like a parallel universe.
“Why didn’t you say something, you idiot?” Subaru says, but Yasu knows he’s not angry. “Why didn’t you let me talk you out of it?”
Tears drip down Yasu’s cheeks. “You - you would’ve?” he manages.
Subaru squeezes his arm tight, looks up at him again, hurt. “Of course I would! What, you think we’d all go ‘OK then’ and leave it at that?!”
The tears are coming faster. Yasu can’t even raise his hand to wipe his face. “I thought you’d all hate me.”
Subaru looks at him for a long moment. “We were scared. We were worried. We wondered what the fuck we were going to do now.”
Yasu cries harder.
“Don’t think we don’t need you,” Subaru whispers, and he puts his arms round Yasu now, and Yasu shivers, closes his eyes, brings his arms up automatically and wraps them round Subaru’s waist.
Don’t think I don’t need you too! Yasu wants to say. “It’s too late,” he sobs. “I’m sorry.”
Subaru’s holding him so tight he can feel both their heartbeats. “I’ve thought about it too,” he murmurs. “Breaking away and doing what I wanted to do.”
Yasu pictures an alternative future, with SubaruBAND, live in Budoukan! Except they wouldn’t be SubaruBAND, they’d have another name, maybe it would have flowers or stars in it. He feels sick. Why hadn’t he thought about it before?
“…But I guess they wanted to appease me, so they gave me FuraFura.”
“No-one wanted to appease me,” Yasu says bitterly.
Subaru strokes his hair. “Would you’ve listened?”
Yasu doesn’t answer.
Subaru sighs. “I was mad with you. I was so mad I didn’t call because of the things I would’ve said. But…” He pauses for so long Yasu thinks he isn’t going to finish the sentence. “I couldn’t do what you’re doing. By myself. But you can.”
But I don’t want to be by myself! Yasu screams in his head. I wanted to be with you!
“Don’t doubt yourself, Shota,” says Subaru seriously. “You chose this. Don’t let it all be a waste.”
Yasu knows he’s been selfish enough. The only thing he can do now to make this all OK is be a success.
He’s not used to doubt. Whenever he’s failed in the past, there’s been someone there to tsukkomi him, or make it funny, or pick up the threads. But from now on it’ll just be him.
He buries his face in Subaru’s shoulder. “I’m scared,” he whispers.
“I would be too,” Subaru murmurs. “That’s why I never did it. I thought you were being a reckless idiot when I first heard,” he says bluntly. Yasu almost laughs. “But… do it for the rest of us, yeah? You can choose who you want to be now.”
Yasu clings on, soaking Subaru’s jacket with tears he can’t stop. Subaru kisses his hair and rubs his back and Yasu doesn’t know what he did to deserve this.
That night Subaru sleeps in Yasu’s bed, and Yasu stays awake. He finally has the courage to listen to the messages on his answerphone.
“I don’t know what happened, but tell us, OK? Let us know you’re alright.”
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?! I’m gonna have to learn all your guitar parts! You better teach me!”
“Let me guest at one of your shows some time, won’t you?”
“I don’t know how long we’ll be able to last this way, but… I guess there’s nothing we can do, right?”
“I’m gonna miss you. I’m gonna cry so much when I look over and you’re not there.”
He writes a song. A song about not regretting anything, and making sure there’s nothing to regret, and being honest with your friends and being grateful for what you have and seizing chances with both hands, and then it turns into three different songs and Yasu feels like he could do his first show tomorrow, raw and rough and straight from the heart.
When Subaru wakes up, Yasu is able to give him a real smile.
“It’s good,” he says when Yasu plays him the first song.
“Will you come sing it with me?” Yasu asks shyly.
Subaru grins. “Only if you let me have part credit. My inspirational presence allowed you to write those lyrics,” he declares, deadpan.
Yasu laughs, because he knows he’s going to cry again. But at least now he feels like that there’s no such thing as being alone.
Rating: PG
Group/Pairing: Kanjani8/No pairing (or very mild Yasu/Subaru)
Warnings/Genre (ie mpreg, kinks, etc): Some angst.
Notes: This might come as a bit of a surprise to the original author. Sorry it’s kind of a big departure, but I loved the idea and wanted to take it further. Hope you don’t mind.
Link to Original Story: Red Letter Day
Link to Original Writer: the_suit_case
Return to Sender
They know. Of course they know something’s up. Yasu’s not usually the chattiest in the dressing room, they know he’s always too nervy to eat or joke around too much, but he knows that today his atmosphere must be all wrong. All through the tour he’s felt distant and removed, right until the moment he gets on stage. When he’s performing it’s a lot easier to smile and jump and concentrate on the fans. He looks around at so many people having a good time, he can almost forget he won’t be seeing this for much longer. As long as he doesn’t stop, as long as he keeps moving and focussing, he can keep pretending this isn’t it, this isn’t the end.
It’s only when he comes off stage that he remembers, and tries to pass off the tears on his face as sweat and the lump in his throat as hoarseness from the singing.
After the last show he can’t hide it though. He’s crying openly and the others can’t even tease him, they just look at him and amongst each other, trying to will someone into making the first move. Hina ruffles his hair and Maru puts his arm round his shoulders, and they chuckle awkwardly, but it just makes Yasu feel worse. He wants to run away, say he’s tired like he always is, but this is the last time he’ll be able to be a part of this. He wants to make sure he feels everything to the absolute limit. The accomplishment at finishing the tour, the euphoria of being with everyone in that adrenalin surge. The weariness, the final comedown after four months of shows. The togetherness, the shared feeling of having done it, as Kanjani8. And most of all Yasu wants to feel the crushing guilt, he wants to look around at his bandmates, his friends, and remember what he had. He deserves the guilt, he knows, but it’s too late now. It’s been too late for months.
”Yasuda-kun. We can’t help but notice your heart’s not in your work any more. We’ve been considering this for a while and monitoring the situation, but we think you probably agree that perhaps now is the time to talk about parting ways.”
In his heart, even though it’s hammering as though it might burst, he does agree.
The afterparty is loud and full of life. They did a great last show, went out on a high. Everyone seems so happy. Yasu wants to cling onto it and absorb it and lock it away in his heart. He wants this memory to be perfect, whatever happens tomorrow or the day after. But after a while it’s too much, he feels like his heart is overflowing, he can’t breathe, there’s too much feeling.
So, around 11 o’clock, he tries to sneak off. He figures everyone’s probably had enough drinks that they won’t really notice he’s gone. There’s enough people around that they won’t miss him, he tries to convince himself.
That’s what he’s been trying to convince himself all this time. But who’s he trying to kid? Just because there were seven of them, didn’t mean they didn’t notice someone was missing the first time.
The thought makes tears prick his eyes. He puts his head down and walks faster.
“Hey!”
Yasu’s heart sinks, panic rises, but he turns anyway and tries to smile at Ryo, approaching down the hallway of the hotel.
“Where are you off to?” he asks, voice loud with drinking but scratchy with singing.
“I’m sorry, I’m just really tired,” Yasu says, his mouth dry.
Ryo “Tch”s. “You don’t have the stamina! Sleep more! Eat more!” he says sternly. He comes over and wraps Yasu in a hug that he’ll have forgotten about in the morning. “We’ll tell you all about the great party you missed tomorrow,” he says, grinning.
Yasu starts to cry, but he thinks Ryo probably won’t notice. He pulls away, wants to tell Ryo yeah, he’ll see him in the morning, but he can’t.
As he walks back to the hotel he wishes he’d held on longer.
Blackout
Tomorrow Yasu is in Tokyo alone. And the others… he doesn’t want to think about that. Doesn’t want to imagine what they’re doing. How they’re feeling. He doesn’t even know what they know.
He lies in bed until he can’t stand the silence any more. Why isn’t his phone ringing? Why are there no angry messages? He wants to hear from them, he wants them to tell him what they think of him. He deserves it.
Maybe they don’t care. Maybe they’re thinking yeah, it’s about time.
That thought should make it easier, but it doesn’t.
He tries to play his guitar, but his hands are heavy and the sound is too loud. He knows he has to practice, prepare, but not yet. He wants to mourn.
He realises when they must’ve called a meeting when his phone finally starts ringing. He stares at the display, willing himself to pick up, until it stops. He daren’t listen to his messages. It’s not like it matters anyway.
Everyone calls him, some of them more than once, apart from Subaru, and that aches like a wound, deep inside his chest. His stomach is in knots. He can’t eat, he feels too sick. This is the worst, he’s the worst. How could he not tell his good friend, his close friend, after everything? It’s the worst, the worst.
Subaru doesn’t call. But one night, late, Yasu answers the door and Subaru walks right in.
Yasu covers his face with his hands. When he dares look at Subaru, Subaru isn’t looking at him.
“Why’d you do it?”
Yasu can’t speak for a minute. He’s afraid he’ll start sobbing and Subaru will hit him. After all, what does he have to be sad about? He’s the one who’s meant to be starting this bright new life, this new career!
“I’m sorry - ” he starts, but stops when he hears how pitiful his voice sounds. Like a little kid. And isn’t what this was all about? He tries to find the words, like an adult. But outside of songs, words aren’t his strong point.
“I don’t understand,” Subaru says softly. “They didn’t tell us anything. Just that you weren’t coming back.”
Subaru paces nervily, only glancing at Yasu from time to time. Yasu feels like if someone laid a hand on his shoulder right now, he’d shatter.
“Is it…” Subaru starts haltingly. “It’s not because of... a woman is it?” He frowns. “I always thought you’d say something if you had someone, but now…”
“No, no!” Yasu protests. He doesn’t blame Subaru for doubting now, though. After all, if he didn’t tell Subaru about this, what else might he have been hiding? “It’s nothing like that! There’s no-one…”
Subaru looks even more uneasy. “Is it because of - me?” he asks, staring at the floor. “I thought you understood me -”
Yasu squeezes his eyes shut and tries to just hear the words. “No, please don’t.” He couldn’t stand that.
“Then what?” Subaru persists, his voice soft.
Are we not good enough any more? is what Yasu hears. “We… decided it would be best if I left now,” he says, though it’s no answer at all. “Me and the agency,” he adds, like it makes it better.
Subaru stares at him in disbelief. “Why now? What happened? What are you going to do?”
Yasu wishes he didn’t have an answer. “I…” he shuts his eyes. “I’ve been writing songs - I want to sing them. Myself. By myself.” He hates how badly this is coming out. “One song an album isn’t enough. I want to write more music. I want a chance to show myself, what I can do. I… I’m not Johnnys anymore,” he says, with a hopeless smile.
“Bullshit!” Subaru strides over to him and grips both his arms near the shoulder. “You’re in Kanjani8, for god’s sake! If you’re not Johnnys, what the hell am I?!” He stops, eyes wide. “Is this because of FuraFura?” he asks, and Yasu’s heart is thumping uncomfortably in his chest.
There’s a lump in Yasu’s throat so big he can barely speak. He doesn’t know what to say.
It’s not like he’s jealous, really it’s not. Well, that’s only a part of it, anyway. Yasu wants to make music too, of course, he’d love to have the chance Subaru has. But more than that… he’s not seen Subaru so happy for a long time. He almost seems like a different person, when they start the new tour together. Like he’s in a different mode, and he’s running on a different track to everyone else. Yasu wonders if coming back to Kanjani8 is like a chore to him. But he doesn’t dare ask, because he’s afraid of the answer.
He’s heard the songs Subaru writes with Rikiya, heard Rikiya play them and Subaru sing them and they sound like real songs. When Subaru has that, he won’t have the time to be writing simple little songs with Yasu any more. To go back to the band with him and Ohkura and Maru seems… redundant. If people can see Flat Five Flowers, who needs a pretend version?
Subaru’s right in his face now, looking right into his eyes, and Yasu can’t look away. But it slowly gets through to him that Subaru’s not mad with him. He looks… melancholy. Even guilty. Worried. Yasu wants to touch him, to hug him, but he keeps his hands where they are.
“A little, I guess,” he says, voice hoarse. He tries to smile.
Subaru’s face is a mask. They stare at each other for some moments, and Subaru looks away first. His head drops forward till his chin is resting on his chest. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs, and for the first time Yasu is surprised.
“Why?” he blurts out stupidly.
Subaru leans forward so his forehead is against Yasu’s shoulder. Yasu doesn’t know what to do. It reminds him of a time so long ago that it feels like a parallel universe.
“Why didn’t you say something, you idiot?” Subaru says, but Yasu knows he’s not angry. “Why didn’t you let me talk you out of it?”
Tears drip down Yasu’s cheeks. “You - you would’ve?” he manages.
Subaru squeezes his arm tight, looks up at him again, hurt. “Of course I would! What, you think we’d all go ‘OK then’ and leave it at that?!”
The tears are coming faster. Yasu can’t even raise his hand to wipe his face. “I thought you’d all hate me.”
Subaru looks at him for a long moment. “We were scared. We were worried. We wondered what the fuck we were going to do now.”
Yasu cries harder.
“Don’t think we don’t need you,” Subaru whispers, and he puts his arms round Yasu now, and Yasu shivers, closes his eyes, brings his arms up automatically and wraps them round Subaru’s waist.
Don’t think I don’t need you too! Yasu wants to say. “It’s too late,” he sobs. “I’m sorry.”
Subaru’s holding him so tight he can feel both their heartbeats. “I’ve thought about it too,” he murmurs. “Breaking away and doing what I wanted to do.”
Yasu pictures an alternative future, with SubaruBAND, live in Budoukan! Except they wouldn’t be SubaruBAND, they’d have another name, maybe it would have flowers or stars in it. He feels sick. Why hadn’t he thought about it before?
“…But I guess they wanted to appease me, so they gave me FuraFura.”
“No-one wanted to appease me,” Yasu says bitterly.
Subaru strokes his hair. “Would you’ve listened?”
Yasu doesn’t answer.
Subaru sighs. “I was mad with you. I was so mad I didn’t call because of the things I would’ve said. But…” He pauses for so long Yasu thinks he isn’t going to finish the sentence. “I couldn’t do what you’re doing. By myself. But you can.”
But I don’t want to be by myself! Yasu screams in his head. I wanted to be with you!
“Don’t doubt yourself, Shota,” says Subaru seriously. “You chose this. Don’t let it all be a waste.”
Yasu knows he’s been selfish enough. The only thing he can do now to make this all OK is be a success.
He’s not used to doubt. Whenever he’s failed in the past, there’s been someone there to tsukkomi him, or make it funny, or pick up the threads. But from now on it’ll just be him.
He buries his face in Subaru’s shoulder. “I’m scared,” he whispers.
“I would be too,” Subaru murmurs. “That’s why I never did it. I thought you were being a reckless idiot when I first heard,” he says bluntly. Yasu almost laughs. “But… do it for the rest of us, yeah? You can choose who you want to be now.”
Yasu clings on, soaking Subaru’s jacket with tears he can’t stop. Subaru kisses his hair and rubs his back and Yasu doesn’t know what he did to deserve this.
That night Subaru sleeps in Yasu’s bed, and Yasu stays awake. He finally has the courage to listen to the messages on his answerphone.
“I don’t know what happened, but tell us, OK? Let us know you’re alright.”
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?! I’m gonna have to learn all your guitar parts! You better teach me!”
“Let me guest at one of your shows some time, won’t you?”
“I don’t know how long we’ll be able to last this way, but… I guess there’s nothing we can do, right?”
“I’m gonna miss you. I’m gonna cry so much when I look over and you’re not there.”
He writes a song. A song about not regretting anything, and making sure there’s nothing to regret, and being honest with your friends and being grateful for what you have and seizing chances with both hands, and then it turns into three different songs and Yasu feels like he could do his first show tomorrow, raw and rough and straight from the heart.
When Subaru wakes up, Yasu is able to give him a real smile.
“It’s good,” he says when Yasu plays him the first song.
“Will you come sing it with me?” Yasu asks shyly.
Subaru grins. “Only if you let me have part credit. My inspirational presence allowed you to write those lyrics,” he declares, deadpan.
Yasu laughs, because he knows he’s going to cry again. But at least now he feels like that there’s no such thing as being alone.