Look Who's Looking
Title: Look Who's Looking
Author: lightstylings
Pairing: One-sided Ryo/Shige, one-sided Shige/Koyama, Yamapi/Koyama
Rating: PG-13
Summary: We fall where we fall, all selfishness and helplessness, and let ourselves fall with deliberate content.
Notes: Remix of dark3princess's Stare. Beta'd by chartre.
Eyes are the window to the soul, or so people say. Narrow windows often closed, it’s almost a lie to believe that all a person’s essence is etched into their pupils. It used to be that I needed a person to tell me what they were thinking, I can’t put in the effort into reading between the lines and prying windows open. That makes me seem somewhat like a criminal sneaking and stealing glimpses at the things people intentionally put behind glass.
But it’s not like that, I can see clearly past that glass; not just Shige’s eyes but his whole face gives away that his soul is almost crying. It’s utter despair for him to have his intent looks completely ignored by Koyama, the object of his affections and I can only presume that his love is unrequited because something should’ve happened between them by now, or would’ve happened.
In my mind, a moment when he declares whatever feelings that bubble in his chest for Koyama will end in them having a happily ever after for as long as they want it. I’ve devised that situation because they’re good (if not somewhat flawed) people. And good things happen to good people, or so that’s what I believe.
Since Koyama is dense, in my head, Shige takes the initiative. It’ll be on one of their planned vacations in some place where they barely speak the language so they have only each other to talk to. They’ll stay up late playing cards from the airplane because they don’t understand anything that’s on TV and when it gets to a lull in the game when Shige realises Koyama’s just fobbing his way through because he doesn’t quite understand the rules, Shige suggests that they do something else.
I see them having lazy commitment sex, the kind that married couples or people who know they’ll spend the rest of their lives with each other have. The distinct lack of passion is made up with exponential amounts of love because theirs is bound to be true and lasting.
But it isn’t like that. Shige can only fix his eyes on Koyama, keeping the words he so wants to say inside.
I understand his hesitance, I can get why he holds himself back when it comes to Koyama because you are his rival, his opposition. You, our so called leader, someone of more status and authority, I’m sure he wonders how he can compete with that. I’m sure he’s sure he can’t. Unaware of the potential of his charms, he lets you maximize yours, flex your muscles and flick your hair and exude coolness you mastered over years.
Sometimes I wonder if you don’t have any shame at all, didn’t realize you were against the ‘first come, first serve’ rule, admittedly not quite a rule applicable in this case but you’re free and careless and, for some reason, Koyama seems to go for that.
A flickering of the eyes, back and forth, he's staring at you as though breaking contact with you will do something to his heart. Be more obvious with Koyama, I beg of you, let me see the look his face contorts to when you take away the constant in his life.
Cruel of me to say but that's what I want; it won't take much effort from you. Get what you want; I'll get what I want. Isn't that how it's always been? At fourteen we had the world at our feet, still do, but we were fourteen and thrust into an adult's existence.
We all work hard, make a living but when do we stop? When is it about the aching in our hearts rather than our limbs? There are times I worry about it. What would happen if it happened all at once? My body and heart with a jolting pain that won't fade. It won't happen because things like that rarely co-exist.
We are oil and water - slick or wet - completely unable to emulsify the two parts of our lives, the things we work to have and the things that all the world grasps at to the very tip of their nails. Go forth and claim another's heart, Koyama is bound to give you his - really, no derogatory meant - but I can't help but notice.
You focus on Koyama like the centre of your orbit, a gravity pulls you to him, I know - you've told me - but a black hole forms whenever you lock eyes and you draw the rest of us in for unintentional attention. Like stars that burn we exhaust ourselves to please onlookers so do what you usually do, just for me, make a move.
It was one of those typical nights that blurred with alcohol, I don’t remember much, after a set amount of units, every night seems the same. There are always people with copious amounts of skin showing, dark places packed with people with bright lights flashing in the most unprecedented places. I remember because when we spoke there seemed to be a green glow coming out of your left ear.
“This is a secret,” you said and I laughed because you never have secrets and if you do, you know I’m just not the person to keep them. I remember picking at the peanut bowl because the last secret you told me was that you once tried to woo a girl with your boxing. Impressive, sure, but you were thirteen and you had no muscles and you were boxing to Eye of the Tiger. You told me so clearly that you could be in love that I’d almost thought that you were asking me to be best man or something. I have that speech prepared by the way; it’s in the same word document as your eulogy.
“Who is it?” There’s not any other question that follows up a love declaration by proxy. I was expecting either some girl from your neighbourhood because I remember you telling me your mother was picking out girls or one of Rina’s modelling acquaintances because that tends to be your pool when the club scene gets cold. The morning after, you called and asked me if I could remember beyond that point and you explained it to me again, this time without the foggy minded haze, all the complications of your heart.
“It’s Koyama,” you said and it sounded like you meant it. He wouldn’t have been my first choice but that’s fine with me because it’s you. That was before I saw all the staring Shige does.
I watch him watching; we wait on baited breath, for different reasons, to see how you'll progress with Koyama, when the flittering looks turn into longing lustful ones. On a mild day, no sun or winds, looking for something to do to pass the time, I caught a glimpse of the scene.
An empty box with but three simple jigsaw pieces, the kinds that have only one connecting side because that was just how they were made. Truthfully, it was more amusing to me than it should have been because you knew who was looking and yet you continued to look as though you didn't. A puzzle piece with magnetic abilities, you made sure to draw your other half to you alone.
You asked me all these profound questions to confirm that what you felt was what you felt. You twittered on about stumbling over greetings and grand epiphanies at three in the morning, and I could only reply saying that there’s a lot of draping when it comes to you and Koyama. You drape your clothes in obscure places for Koyama to come trotting along, telling you he’s put them somewhere convenient for you. You then drape yourself across a sofa and Koyama comes by to sit in the deliberate space you’ve left because the arm behind you seems inviting. Hardly profound answers.
A few years ago, I remember watching a film with my sister, she’d just been dumped by her scumbag of a boyfriend and I said she could come over for a cheering up. I thought we would be watching sitcoms and stand up comedies but she brought some romcom, she’d said it was about a forbidden love and when she mentioned there were sisters in it I’d already come up with an idea of how it was going to go. We sat down to watch it, slow moving with a small cast, lots of green and vanity but alas, no girl-lovin’. Imagine my disappointment.
Storyline-wise, it was a couple of English sisters in a love square with a pair of American brothers, the theme being ‘you can’t help who you fall in love with’. It was dull and banal and I fell asleep halfway and still knew how it ended. I didn’t mind so much since she seemed to perk right up after it but for something I hadn’t seen in its entirety, it certainly left an impression on me. How life imitates art. We fall where we fall, all selfishness and helplessness, and let ourselves fall with deliberate content.
We’re in a love square like those sisters, right? Our hearts yearn and ache for others, it’s a knock on effect, like dominos we’ll have a catalyst and the steady façade we’ve contained ourselves with will cause us to cease falling and crash with a clatter. Disorganised, we’ll stumble and muddle our way in the aftermath as though affected by a drunken stupor.
A little more obvious and a little less subtle, please. Adjacently sitting away from Koyama, your feet tap occasionally, when you stand up to get something you intentionally brush lightly past him, skim your fingertips against any part of exposed skin as though your want for him is too much for you to walk by without contact, to dance in rehearsals without stumbling into him when you're exceptionally capable of moving yourself just fine.
Matters of time will certainly have Koyama fall for you but I need it sooner. How am I supposed to fix what isn't broken? Such fragility and yet Shige’s feelings are still intact, the cracks are showing but he’s not yet shattered. It’s as if he doesn’t care who sees it anymore, his chest is cut open and his heart is now exposed for all look at like an exhibition titled something along the lines of ‘we all wish we had two hearts’. At least, that’s what I think.
The world would be a much less complicated place if that were so. I’d have a heart to give the love of my life and another to be divided amongst those who want a piece of the real thing. After some consideration, I have to disclose that there’s a strong possibility of me having two hearts, just perhaps not in the way I first said. I have two hearts. There is one that wants to be caring and selfless and another that wants to be possessive and jealous.
So please, tilt this stalemate that we’re in because we’re all unfulfilled, because we’re all on tenterhooks, because amongst us there are those who are oblivious.
Because Shige hasn't caught on to it yet.
On to how I'm staring at him too.
Author: lightstylings
Pairing: One-sided Ryo/Shige, one-sided Shige/Koyama, Yamapi/Koyama
Rating: PG-13
Summary: We fall where we fall, all selfishness and helplessness, and let ourselves fall with deliberate content.
Notes: Remix of dark3princess's Stare. Beta'd by chartre.
Eyes are the window to the soul, or so people say. Narrow windows often closed, it’s almost a lie to believe that all a person’s essence is etched into their pupils. It used to be that I needed a person to tell me what they were thinking, I can’t put in the effort into reading between the lines and prying windows open. That makes me seem somewhat like a criminal sneaking and stealing glimpses at the things people intentionally put behind glass.
But it’s not like that, I can see clearly past that glass; not just Shige’s eyes but his whole face gives away that his soul is almost crying. It’s utter despair for him to have his intent looks completely ignored by Koyama, the object of his affections and I can only presume that his love is unrequited because something should’ve happened between them by now, or would’ve happened.
In my mind, a moment when he declares whatever feelings that bubble in his chest for Koyama will end in them having a happily ever after for as long as they want it. I’ve devised that situation because they’re good (if not somewhat flawed) people. And good things happen to good people, or so that’s what I believe.
Since Koyama is dense, in my head, Shige takes the initiative. It’ll be on one of their planned vacations in some place where they barely speak the language so they have only each other to talk to. They’ll stay up late playing cards from the airplane because they don’t understand anything that’s on TV and when it gets to a lull in the game when Shige realises Koyama’s just fobbing his way through because he doesn’t quite understand the rules, Shige suggests that they do something else.
I see them having lazy commitment sex, the kind that married couples or people who know they’ll spend the rest of their lives with each other have. The distinct lack of passion is made up with exponential amounts of love because theirs is bound to be true and lasting.
But it isn’t like that. Shige can only fix his eyes on Koyama, keeping the words he so wants to say inside.
I understand his hesitance, I can get why he holds himself back when it comes to Koyama because you are his rival, his opposition. You, our so called leader, someone of more status and authority, I’m sure he wonders how he can compete with that. I’m sure he’s sure he can’t. Unaware of the potential of his charms, he lets you maximize yours, flex your muscles and flick your hair and exude coolness you mastered over years.
Sometimes I wonder if you don’t have any shame at all, didn’t realize you were against the ‘first come, first serve’ rule, admittedly not quite a rule applicable in this case but you’re free and careless and, for some reason, Koyama seems to go for that.
A flickering of the eyes, back and forth, he's staring at you as though breaking contact with you will do something to his heart. Be more obvious with Koyama, I beg of you, let me see the look his face contorts to when you take away the constant in his life.
Cruel of me to say but that's what I want; it won't take much effort from you. Get what you want; I'll get what I want. Isn't that how it's always been? At fourteen we had the world at our feet, still do, but we were fourteen and thrust into an adult's existence.
We all work hard, make a living but when do we stop? When is it about the aching in our hearts rather than our limbs? There are times I worry about it. What would happen if it happened all at once? My body and heart with a jolting pain that won't fade. It won't happen because things like that rarely co-exist.
We are oil and water - slick or wet - completely unable to emulsify the two parts of our lives, the things we work to have and the things that all the world grasps at to the very tip of their nails. Go forth and claim another's heart, Koyama is bound to give you his - really, no derogatory meant - but I can't help but notice.
You focus on Koyama like the centre of your orbit, a gravity pulls you to him, I know - you've told me - but a black hole forms whenever you lock eyes and you draw the rest of us in for unintentional attention. Like stars that burn we exhaust ourselves to please onlookers so do what you usually do, just for me, make a move.
It was one of those typical nights that blurred with alcohol, I don’t remember much, after a set amount of units, every night seems the same. There are always people with copious amounts of skin showing, dark places packed with people with bright lights flashing in the most unprecedented places. I remember because when we spoke there seemed to be a green glow coming out of your left ear.
“This is a secret,” you said and I laughed because you never have secrets and if you do, you know I’m just not the person to keep them. I remember picking at the peanut bowl because the last secret you told me was that you once tried to woo a girl with your boxing. Impressive, sure, but you were thirteen and you had no muscles and you were boxing to Eye of the Tiger. You told me so clearly that you could be in love that I’d almost thought that you were asking me to be best man or something. I have that speech prepared by the way; it’s in the same word document as your eulogy.
“Who is it?” There’s not any other question that follows up a love declaration by proxy. I was expecting either some girl from your neighbourhood because I remember you telling me your mother was picking out girls or one of Rina’s modelling acquaintances because that tends to be your pool when the club scene gets cold. The morning after, you called and asked me if I could remember beyond that point and you explained it to me again, this time without the foggy minded haze, all the complications of your heart.
“It’s Koyama,” you said and it sounded like you meant it. He wouldn’t have been my first choice but that’s fine with me because it’s you. That was before I saw all the staring Shige does.
I watch him watching; we wait on baited breath, for different reasons, to see how you'll progress with Koyama, when the flittering looks turn into longing lustful ones. On a mild day, no sun or winds, looking for something to do to pass the time, I caught a glimpse of the scene.
An empty box with but three simple jigsaw pieces, the kinds that have only one connecting side because that was just how they were made. Truthfully, it was more amusing to me than it should have been because you knew who was looking and yet you continued to look as though you didn't. A puzzle piece with magnetic abilities, you made sure to draw your other half to you alone.
You asked me all these profound questions to confirm that what you felt was what you felt. You twittered on about stumbling over greetings and grand epiphanies at three in the morning, and I could only reply saying that there’s a lot of draping when it comes to you and Koyama. You drape your clothes in obscure places for Koyama to come trotting along, telling you he’s put them somewhere convenient for you. You then drape yourself across a sofa and Koyama comes by to sit in the deliberate space you’ve left because the arm behind you seems inviting. Hardly profound answers.
A few years ago, I remember watching a film with my sister, she’d just been dumped by her scumbag of a boyfriend and I said she could come over for a cheering up. I thought we would be watching sitcoms and stand up comedies but she brought some romcom, she’d said it was about a forbidden love and when she mentioned there were sisters in it I’d already come up with an idea of how it was going to go. We sat down to watch it, slow moving with a small cast, lots of green and vanity but alas, no girl-lovin’. Imagine my disappointment.
Storyline-wise, it was a couple of English sisters in a love square with a pair of American brothers, the theme being ‘you can’t help who you fall in love with’. It was dull and banal and I fell asleep halfway and still knew how it ended. I didn’t mind so much since she seemed to perk right up after it but for something I hadn’t seen in its entirety, it certainly left an impression on me. How life imitates art. We fall where we fall, all selfishness and helplessness, and let ourselves fall with deliberate content.
We’re in a love square like those sisters, right? Our hearts yearn and ache for others, it’s a knock on effect, like dominos we’ll have a catalyst and the steady façade we’ve contained ourselves with will cause us to cease falling and crash with a clatter. Disorganised, we’ll stumble and muddle our way in the aftermath as though affected by a drunken stupor.
A little more obvious and a little less subtle, please. Adjacently sitting away from Koyama, your feet tap occasionally, when you stand up to get something you intentionally brush lightly past him, skim your fingertips against any part of exposed skin as though your want for him is too much for you to walk by without contact, to dance in rehearsals without stumbling into him when you're exceptionally capable of moving yourself just fine.
Matters of time will certainly have Koyama fall for you but I need it sooner. How am I supposed to fix what isn't broken? Such fragility and yet Shige’s feelings are still intact, the cracks are showing but he’s not yet shattered. It’s as if he doesn’t care who sees it anymore, his chest is cut open and his heart is now exposed for all look at like an exhibition titled something along the lines of ‘we all wish we had two hearts’. At least, that’s what I think.
The world would be a much less complicated place if that were so. I’d have a heart to give the love of my life and another to be divided amongst those who want a piece of the real thing. After some consideration, I have to disclose that there’s a strong possibility of me having two hearts, just perhaps not in the way I first said. I have two hearts. There is one that wants to be caring and selfless and another that wants to be possessive and jealous.
So please, tilt this stalemate that we’re in because we’re all unfulfilled, because we’re all on tenterhooks, because amongst us there are those who are oblivious.
Because Shige hasn't caught on to it yet.
On to how I'm staring at him too.