Uncertainties and one metallic silver nail.
It's hard to really...grasp what's happened in the last few days. Some monumental things have happend, enough to make me want to remember them for a long time. My unexpected Family Reunion today being one of them. It's been a long time for us. It was very nostalgic, and I'm happy to have that feeling again.
I also learned that bar/clubs of the extreme drinking and pick-up-ing are not my thing, extremely so. I went out with my roomy after she kept saying "I want us to bond, you HAVE to come out tonight with me!". It was not my type of place, I wasn't drinking since I wasn't in the mood (which isn't bad, but in a place where everyone does, they look at you like you're crazy), and I certainly don't want to pick up a guy...I don't know where's he's been. And when someone comes up behind you and starts grinding, hit him one for me, because I was about to kill the guy who tried. Then Kalina put introduced me to her friend Lucas...who in my mind, in charming, but fucking insane. This guy was a wild dancer, and it was fun for awhile, but some of the styles of dancing were not my type, and I got tired, but he was so unbearably drunk (but he was a fun-loving guy, so no worries) that he didn't seem to get the fact that I was tired, and that I really didn't care to dance. But he made a bad evening slightly not so bad. So we headed home at about...2:30am, even though I wanted to leave earlier, but the other girls wouldn't let me go by myself. So the night wasn't so hot, but at least I know now and not later, that I don't like going out with Kalina. And I don't like dancing with guys for some reason. I love dancing with friends of the female type and such, and well...gay guys who are fun-loving and such....and male friends who I know and trust (which are an extreme few) but I just don't feel all that comfy with guys otherwise. Hrm. Learning new things everyday.
I also learned a few other things the other day...which was actually what motivated me to go out with Kalina, because I needed something to distract me. I learned things that made me feel very uncomfortable, sad, and disgusted. I won't say anything more since this is very personal, but it made me want to cry (which, hey, I've accepted is NOT a weakness anymore) and very sad...for all of 30 minutes. I ruffled my asiany hair, washed my face, had an apple juice and just decided that...it doesn't matter anymore. My life is different now then it ever has been. I'm getting the education I wanted and deserved, the bonds with my family are coming together even though I thought they never would or could, I've discovered things about myself that I never took into consideration before, and my eyes are being opened by my suroundings. High School was a box. It had a few windows, but it never showed you the whole picture. I thought I knew the world better than a lot of the people around me since I've been through a lot more shit, but it turns out that I was in a box with everyone else...I just had a better seat to see outside those windows.
So this sad thing, this dissapointment of my trust in people, and of my beliefs, doesn't seem so bad because I've realised that it takes a back seat to the things I find most important. And the things I held dearly a year ago have drastically changed.
It seems cold to me, to react to it the way I did. But it was initial...so I guess it was natural. My mom told me that it was okay, and that these things happen. It's sad, but whatever...shit happens.
I got a new clubbing top...I love it. Go to Warden Power Center, Outlets are our friends.
I also learned that bar/clubs of the extreme drinking and pick-up-ing are not my thing, extremely so. I went out with my roomy after she kept saying "I want us to bond, you HAVE to come out tonight with me!". It was not my type of place, I wasn't drinking since I wasn't in the mood (which isn't bad, but in a place where everyone does, they look at you like you're crazy), and I certainly don't want to pick up a guy...I don't know where's he's been. And when someone comes up behind you and starts grinding, hit him one for me, because I was about to kill the guy who tried. Then Kalina put introduced me to her friend Lucas...who in my mind, in charming, but fucking insane. This guy was a wild dancer, and it was fun for awhile, but some of the styles of dancing were not my type, and I got tired, but he was so unbearably drunk (but he was a fun-loving guy, so no worries) that he didn't seem to get the fact that I was tired, and that I really didn't care to dance. But he made a bad evening slightly not so bad. So we headed home at about...2:30am, even though I wanted to leave earlier, but the other girls wouldn't let me go by myself. So the night wasn't so hot, but at least I know now and not later, that I don't like going out with Kalina. And I don't like dancing with guys for some reason. I love dancing with friends of the female type and such, and well...gay guys who are fun-loving and such....and male friends who I know and trust (which are an extreme few) but I just don't feel all that comfy with guys otherwise. Hrm. Learning new things everyday.
I also learned a few other things the other day...which was actually what motivated me to go out with Kalina, because I needed something to distract me. I learned things that made me feel very uncomfortable, sad, and disgusted. I won't say anything more since this is very personal, but it made me want to cry (which, hey, I've accepted is NOT a weakness anymore) and very sad...for all of 30 minutes. I ruffled my asiany hair, washed my face, had an apple juice and just decided that...it doesn't matter anymore. My life is different now then it ever has been. I'm getting the education I wanted and deserved, the bonds with my family are coming together even though I thought they never would or could, I've discovered things about myself that I never took into consideration before, and my eyes are being opened by my suroundings. High School was a box. It had a few windows, but it never showed you the whole picture. I thought I knew the world better than a lot of the people around me since I've been through a lot more shit, but it turns out that I was in a box with everyone else...I just had a better seat to see outside those windows.
So this sad thing, this dissapointment of my trust in people, and of my beliefs, doesn't seem so bad because I've realised that it takes a back seat to the things I find most important. And the things I held dearly a year ago have drastically changed.
It seems cold to me, to react to it the way I did. But it was initial...so I guess it was natural. My mom told me that it was okay, and that these things happen. It's sad, but whatever...shit happens.
I got a new clubbing top...I love it. Go to Warden Power Center, Outlets are our friends.