I typed this a while ago, but I wanted to post it.
A co-worker sends me a story about a man named Dustin Paxton, who is from Canada. A Google search of 'Dustin Paxton' will return all you need to know about that gem of a human.
Said co-worker and I have carpooled together for nearly three years, and he is well aware of my most recent abusive relationship. He has even been comforting, and understanding about the fact that I am still affected by that relationship, although I am currently in a healthy relationship (and have been out of the abusive one for going on four years). We have talked about domestic abuse at length, particularly that between a man and a woman, where the man is the abuser. I've expressed anger with myself for 'dealing with' the abuse I dealt with for three years before the relationship ended. In the past, he has agreed that in an abusive situation, there is much more to it, psychologically, than just 'sticking around to be beat.' He has always seemed fairly educated about abuse victims. That is, until today.
He says this, after providing me a link to the story: this is the second article i've read on it, and i don't quite understand but basiclaly it's a torture case, and a man allegidly beat and abused another guy for like a year, and now they're pressing charges, but they don't really explain it, from what i got from the articles i've read, they guy wasn't held against his will, he just hung out and got beat all the time, it doesn't make sense at all to me
maybe i'm missing something
but it says the two were bussiness partners and roommates, and paxton would beat the other guy, waht i can't undrstand is why they're charging him with torture and imprissoning this guy, if there is no indication he was held against his will, it seems like he could have just up and walked out the door at any time, it doesn't make any sense to me
(Que my, "Seriously?" face) and me saying this: It doesn't look like he's being charged with torture, just aggravated assault and sexual assault...and forcible confinement.
This would be the case in any domestic abuse situation. And, it could be said about many abuse victims that they can leave at any time.
Him: right, but the relationship between the two involved parties in a domestic abuse case is a little different than two roommates, if we're in a romatic relationship, there's alot keeping you there, but if it's just a roommate, why in the effing world would you stay to get your ass beat everyday? that makes zero sense to me
The first thing I said back was, “Yeah, generally abuse makes zero sense to those who haven’t experienced it.” Shame on me for being snarky, but it was just a reactive response. I have a lot to say to him, honestly. I could be incredibly harsh about how wrong he is. The conversation continued and I told him that I hate his mindset. I told him that abuse happens in all kinds of settings, and used college hazing as an example. And yes, even men are abused, and his mindset is exactly why there’s a complex about male victims. I suppose if you ‘just hung out and got beat all the time’ that would make your abuser innocent? I suppose this man shouldn’t be charged, because you know, beating the hell out of someone and sexual assaulting them is TOTALLY fine, so long as your victim doesn’t ‘up and walk out the door’. Let’s blame the victim, because in this case, it’s not a woman or child being abused, so clearly the victim isn’t really a victim, right?
I hate society.
And I can’t help but be pissed off. I mean, not only is he discrediting the fact that men can be victims, too, but I also feel like he’s made some unconscious assumption that women are weaker than men, and more likely to ‘stick around’ for abuse.
I’m also pregnant and irritable and could be completely over-reacting and over-thinking this.