Officer's Mess
Today, Otis wishes to introduce us to a tradition called, "Officer's Mess." In honor of Officer's Mess, Kari has prepared traditional English food, including lamb and Spotted Dick. She says the Spotted Dick has been baking for nearly an hour, and she has no idea what it should look like when it is done. I think she's developing a grudge against Spotted Dick. I believe it is Rosey that comments that Spotted Dick sounds like a disease.
Crewmember #1: So what is this Officer's Mess all about anyway?
BETH: I'm not yet sure. Otis is supposed to explain it to me. So far, all I know is that we should all be dressed up in our best funny clothes, and I think Otis wants the volunteers to serve the paid crew.
Crewmember #2: No! That's like rubbing salt in a wound, that is!
Crewmember #1: Yeah, I don't want to serve anyone.
BETH: I'll tell them we're not going for the serving idea.
Crewmember #2: My funnies are dirty.
BETH: Then just dress up.
TARA: I'm going to wear a sarong.
ESTHER: That's a good idea.
JEN: I didn't really bring anything dressy, and everything I did bring is now coated in pine pitch.
ESTHER: I have an extra, if you want.
JEN: Thank you.
Suddenly, a quarter dangles from a string hanging through the emergency hatch. The voice of Anthony Gempler, youngest brother of Miah and Matt Gempler, can be heard from above.
ANTHONY: Oh MR. Purser-Face, I have a quarter for you!
Smee looks up.
SMEE: GIVE ME THAT! THAT QUARTER BELONGS TO THE PURSER!
Smee leaps to the ceiling and in a moment, both feet and his left hand are on the ceiling as his right hand grabs repeatedly for the quarter, which Anthony pulls back, just enough to keep it out of reach.
(Follows several minutes of women putting on sarongs and asking each other, "How do I tie this?" and replying with things like, "A sheet bend will do.")
And then, Otis steps out of the aft cabin.
JEN: Oh my god! Stay right there. I need my camera!
We all convene to the main hold to await the captain's convenience.
We line up for our meal.
OTIS (in a fussy, upper crust British accent): Mr. Vice President, Mr. Paul Boyer, AKA "Smee", has broken protocol by wearing his hat indoors in the Officer's Mess. I propose a fine be levied against Mr. Boyer.
FIRST MATE ROB: Mr. President, a fine has been proposed against Mr. Boyer for wearing his hat indoors to the mess.
CAPTAIN JB: I concur. What is the proposed fine?
ROB: What is the proposed fine, Mr. Downs?
OTIS: I propose that Mr. Boyer be required to perform the Penguin Dance.
SMEE: Never going to happen.
OTIS: Mr. Vice President, I propose the fine be doubled.
ROB: MR. President, Mr. Downs has proposed the fine be doubled.
CAPTAIN JB: Make it so.
MATT: That'll teach you to talk back to the captain.
OTIS: Mr. Vice-President, I propose a fine against Mr. Gempler the Younger for speaking out of turn.
ROB: What do you propose?
OTIS: I propose a reading from the Collected Works of William Shakespeare. Something from Henry the Fifth should be appropriate, I should think.
ROB: Mr. President, a fine has been proposed against Gempler the Younger for speaking out of turn, the proposed fine being a reading from Henry the Fifth.
CAPTAIN JB: Seems entirely appropriate to me.
SMEE: Before we get on with that, I believe I have a fine to discharge. Give me room, please.
ROB: Take your hat off, man! Have you learned nothing?
SMEE (In a manner that is bored, disgusted, defeated and dreary): Have you ever seen a penguin drinking tea (raises right hand to mouth as though sipping tea); Take a look at me (pauses to meet everyone's eyes) a penguin, you... shall... see... (nods, significantly) Penguins Attention! (comes to attention and salutes) Penguins begin! (lowers arm to side) (SIGH!) Right arm (flaps right arm in desultory manner)
By this time, the audience is cracking up, as this dance is meant to be performed with school kids in a high energy, funloving manner, not this dreary Officer's rendition.
SMEE: Second verse. Have you ever seen A PENGUIN, Drinking TEA? Take a look at ME! A Penguin, you shall SEE. Penguins attention, penguins begin. Right arm... left arm... third verse.
Smee gets through four slow verses, and is flapping both arms and waddling in a circle and looking thoroughly put upon, when Otis Downs interrupts.
DOWNS: Mr. Vice President, I propose that Mr. Boyer be forgiven the rest of his debt.
CAPTAIN: I concur.
SMEE: I believe I owed two renditions of the Penguin Dance...
FIRST MATE: FORGIVEN!
Crew cracks up.
ANTHONY: That was the worst Penguin Dance ever, Mr. Purser-Face!
SMEE: Mr. Vice-President, I propose a fine be levied against Gempler the Youngest for referring to his elder as Mr. Purser-Face.
OTIS: Mr. Vice-President, I would go so far as to propose that everything that Gempler the Youngest says be stricken from the Mess Record.
ROB: Mr. President...
CAPTAIN: Make it so.
ANTHONY: I propose that Mr. Purser-Face...
OTIS: STRICKEN!
ANTHONY: Well I...
OTIS: STRICKEN!!
ANTHONY: Mr. Purser...
ROB, JB, OTIS: STRICKEN!!!
The evening continues with more fines proposed and levied against various crew, including one against TANYA, which required her to recite two dirty limericks.
And then Otis Downs himself makes the mistake of saying, "And on that day, Comrades, we shall call the mainsail haul!"
CAPTAIN: A fine against Mr. Downs for spouting that commie propaganda on my ship!
OTIS: MR. Vice-President, I propose a fine be levied against Miss Beth Lauden, for the simple reason that I wish to hear her sing.
ROB: Mr...
CAPTAIN: Agreed.
Beth sings a sea ballad.
Finally, Otis opens up a bottle of Port, and pours a measure for everyone who is of age.
OTIS: Traditionally, Port was the only drink considered fitting for a toast in the officer's mess. I would just like to say that this went exactly the way I had in mind. I propose a toast to the Lady Washington, and her fine crew.
CREW: To the Lady!
Crewmember #1: So what is this Officer's Mess all about anyway?
BETH: I'm not yet sure. Otis is supposed to explain it to me. So far, all I know is that we should all be dressed up in our best funny clothes, and I think Otis wants the volunteers to serve the paid crew.
Crewmember #2: No! That's like rubbing salt in a wound, that is!
Crewmember #1: Yeah, I don't want to serve anyone.
BETH: I'll tell them we're not going for the serving idea.
Crewmember #2: My funnies are dirty.
BETH: Then just dress up.
TARA: I'm going to wear a sarong.
ESTHER: That's a good idea.
JEN: I didn't really bring anything dressy, and everything I did bring is now coated in pine pitch.
ESTHER: I have an extra, if you want.
JEN: Thank you.
Suddenly, a quarter dangles from a string hanging through the emergency hatch. The voice of Anthony Gempler, youngest brother of Miah and Matt Gempler, can be heard from above.
ANTHONY: Oh MR. Purser-Face, I have a quarter for you!
Smee looks up.
SMEE: GIVE ME THAT! THAT QUARTER BELONGS TO THE PURSER!
Smee leaps to the ceiling and in a moment, both feet and his left hand are on the ceiling as his right hand grabs repeatedly for the quarter, which Anthony pulls back, just enough to keep it out of reach.
(Follows several minutes of women putting on sarongs and asking each other, "How do I tie this?" and replying with things like, "A sheet bend will do.")
And then, Otis steps out of the aft cabin.
JEN: Oh my god! Stay right there. I need my camera!
We all convene to the main hold to await the captain's convenience.
We line up for our meal.
OTIS (in a fussy, upper crust British accent): Mr. Vice President, Mr. Paul Boyer, AKA "Smee", has broken protocol by wearing his hat indoors in the Officer's Mess. I propose a fine be levied against Mr. Boyer.
FIRST MATE ROB: Mr. President, a fine has been proposed against Mr. Boyer for wearing his hat indoors to the mess.
CAPTAIN JB: I concur. What is the proposed fine?
ROB: What is the proposed fine, Mr. Downs?
OTIS: I propose that Mr. Boyer be required to perform the Penguin Dance.
SMEE: Never going to happen.
OTIS: Mr. Vice President, I propose the fine be doubled.
ROB: MR. President, Mr. Downs has proposed the fine be doubled.
CAPTAIN JB: Make it so.
MATT: That'll teach you to talk back to the captain.
OTIS: Mr. Vice-President, I propose a fine against Mr. Gempler the Younger for speaking out of turn.
ROB: What do you propose?
OTIS: I propose a reading from the Collected Works of William Shakespeare. Something from Henry the Fifth should be appropriate, I should think.
ROB: Mr. President, a fine has been proposed against Gempler the Younger for speaking out of turn, the proposed fine being a reading from Henry the Fifth.
CAPTAIN JB: Seems entirely appropriate to me.
SMEE: Before we get on with that, I believe I have a fine to discharge. Give me room, please.
ROB: Take your hat off, man! Have you learned nothing?
SMEE (In a manner that is bored, disgusted, defeated and dreary): Have you ever seen a penguin drinking tea (raises right hand to mouth as though sipping tea); Take a look at me (pauses to meet everyone's eyes) a penguin, you... shall... see... (nods, significantly) Penguins Attention! (comes to attention and salutes) Penguins begin! (lowers arm to side) (SIGH!) Right arm (flaps right arm in desultory manner)
By this time, the audience is cracking up, as this dance is meant to be performed with school kids in a high energy, funloving manner, not this dreary Officer's rendition.
SMEE: Second verse. Have you ever seen A PENGUIN, Drinking TEA? Take a look at ME! A Penguin, you shall SEE. Penguins attention, penguins begin. Right arm... left arm... third verse.
Smee gets through four slow verses, and is flapping both arms and waddling in a circle and looking thoroughly put upon, when Otis Downs interrupts.
DOWNS: Mr. Vice President, I propose that Mr. Boyer be forgiven the rest of his debt.
CAPTAIN: I concur.
SMEE: I believe I owed two renditions of the Penguin Dance...
FIRST MATE: FORGIVEN!
Crew cracks up.
ANTHONY: That was the worst Penguin Dance ever, Mr. Purser-Face!
SMEE: Mr. Vice-President, I propose a fine be levied against Gempler the Youngest for referring to his elder as Mr. Purser-Face.
OTIS: Mr. Vice-President, I would go so far as to propose that everything that Gempler the Youngest says be stricken from the Mess Record.
ROB: Mr. President...
CAPTAIN: Make it so.
ANTHONY: I propose that Mr. Purser-Face...
OTIS: STRICKEN!
ANTHONY: Well I...
OTIS: STRICKEN!!
ANTHONY: Mr. Purser...
ROB, JB, OTIS: STRICKEN!!!
The evening continues with more fines proposed and levied against various crew, including one against TANYA, which required her to recite two dirty limericks.
And then Otis Downs himself makes the mistake of saying, "And on that day, Comrades, we shall call the mainsail haul!"
CAPTAIN: A fine against Mr. Downs for spouting that commie propaganda on my ship!
OTIS: MR. Vice-President, I propose a fine be levied against Miss Beth Lauden, for the simple reason that I wish to hear her sing.
ROB: Mr...
CAPTAIN: Agreed.
Beth sings a sea ballad.
Finally, Otis opens up a bottle of Port, and pours a measure for everyone who is of age.
OTIS: Traditionally, Port was the only drink considered fitting for a toast in the officer's mess. I would just like to say that this went exactly the way I had in mind. I propose a toast to the Lady Washington, and her fine crew.
CREW: To the Lady!