Some thoughts.
This is going to be a long one. Apologies in advance.
Anyone who knows me well knows that, all throughout my life, I've been in a battle between two things I want most.
One moment, I want to give away all of my possessions and move into the woods to start a simpler life. I want to get in touch with nature, I want to think, and to appreciate things more.
The next moment, I want to go to Tokyo, or some other big city. To the nightlife! To the flashing neon colours, into the thick of it all. A city that never sleeps, surrounded by people and cutting edge technology.
Today, I'm falling in the former category.
I would happily trade all of my things, for something that would really count when and if it all came down to it.
Think about it:: If civilization ends tomorrow, what would you do? Would you even know what to do? What would you take from your little home? How would you start your new life, when there is nothing around you? Your money counts for nothing, and it's every man for himself?
Admittedly, that's a pretty fatalistic way of looking at it. The reason that I want to run away from it all isn't to 'survive when the world ends'. I don't think that the world is going to end at any moment. I simply want to prove to myself that I can be self-reliant.
I don't need the Nintendo. I don't need the electronics. I don't need my crafts and my nonsense. I just don't. They count for nothing in the grand scheme of things, and on days like this, looking at all the crap that surrounds me just makes me feel ill. Can I, this silly woman from the North-West, actually work and help provide for my family?
I can work, and I can earn money. I like to work, and earning a paycheck is nice! We can have luxuries and spend time at home relaxing. But earning a paycheck, just isn't what I crave. I crave hard work, I want my back to hurt and my arms and legs to be sore for days. I want to be dizzy from the heat. I need it. That pain proves that I'm doing my part. As I sit here and grow older with nothing to show for it, I just feel foolish.
We didn't make any part of this apartment. There is no emotion or history here. This is just another row house in the midst of other row houses. We have no connection with it-- it's just a place to hold all of our shit.
Don't get me wrong, we live a wonderful life. My husband works SO hard for us, and I appreciate him and all that he does so that we can have this roof over our head.
I just am really anxious to get out there and do it ourselves, you know?
Living this modern life, I feel that I'm not living to my fullest potential. I need to prove to myself that I can do something bigger than this. I want to look at the nails in the wall and feel accomplished that I helped to put it together. I want to look out at my garden that is helping to feed us and feel good that I am contributing.
I want history. I want culture. I want to get in touch with how things were. I want to appreciate the little things in nature. I want to work hard.
I think I will open a new little side journal for this side of me-- I'm sure that most who actually read my journal don't really care about my philosophical musings, and it would be a way to keep track of what I'm doing, so I can look back and see that I have been working. Prove to myself that I have been learning. :)
On that note, I'm off to it.
-j
Anyone who knows me well knows that, all throughout my life, I've been in a battle between two things I want most.
One moment, I want to give away all of my possessions and move into the woods to start a simpler life. I want to get in touch with nature, I want to think, and to appreciate things more.
The next moment, I want to go to Tokyo, or some other big city. To the nightlife! To the flashing neon colours, into the thick of it all. A city that never sleeps, surrounded by people and cutting edge technology.
Today, I'm falling in the former category.
I would happily trade all of my things, for something that would really count when and if it all came down to it.
Think about it:: If civilization ends tomorrow, what would you do? Would you even know what to do? What would you take from your little home? How would you start your new life, when there is nothing around you? Your money counts for nothing, and it's every man for himself?
Admittedly, that's a pretty fatalistic way of looking at it. The reason that I want to run away from it all isn't to 'survive when the world ends'. I don't think that the world is going to end at any moment. I simply want to prove to myself that I can be self-reliant.
I don't need the Nintendo. I don't need the electronics. I don't need my crafts and my nonsense. I just don't. They count for nothing in the grand scheme of things, and on days like this, looking at all the crap that surrounds me just makes me feel ill. Can I, this silly woman from the North-West, actually work and help provide for my family?
I can work, and I can earn money. I like to work, and earning a paycheck is nice! We can have luxuries and spend time at home relaxing. But earning a paycheck, just isn't what I crave. I crave hard work, I want my back to hurt and my arms and legs to be sore for days. I want to be dizzy from the heat. I need it. That pain proves that I'm doing my part. As I sit here and grow older with nothing to show for it, I just feel foolish.
We didn't make any part of this apartment. There is no emotion or history here. This is just another row house in the midst of other row houses. We have no connection with it-- it's just a place to hold all of our shit.
Don't get me wrong, we live a wonderful life. My husband works SO hard for us, and I appreciate him and all that he does so that we can have this roof over our head.
I just am really anxious to get out there and do it ourselves, you know?
Living this modern life, I feel that I'm not living to my fullest potential. I need to prove to myself that I can do something bigger than this. I want to look at the nails in the wall and feel accomplished that I helped to put it together. I want to look out at my garden that is helping to feed us and feel good that I am contributing.
I want history. I want culture. I want to get in touch with how things were. I want to appreciate the little things in nature. I want to work hard.
I think I will open a new little side journal for this side of me-- I'm sure that most who actually read my journal don't really care about my philosophical musings, and it would be a way to keep track of what I'm doing, so I can look back and see that I have been working. Prove to myself that I have been learning. :)
On that note, I'm off to it.
-j