it's a start
...it's literally been years since this nostalgia has hit me.
i don't like to think that i am a little too antisocial, but it's hard to escape at this point.
sooo, this livejournal account is still active (though the connections with people are not, but none the less)
this means that it's practically a solo job. i guess i could place this journal on private or something, but i'm not sure how.
so, to catch up with multiple years of disconnection with you, dear journal, i will have to work hard at eaxplaining just who i am now.
it is true, what they say. "people never change. they may think they do, but it's just the age"
so i went through a three year addiction, and mysteriously came out...again.. i don't know how many times one can luck out, but i don't intend to test said luck, so i think i'm done with the hard stuff for good.
not that i was at the bottom of the barrell, but i could see that inevitability creep up slowly like a silky smooth leech, and i was running out of my will and blood pretty quickly.
but i must say, it was an exhilarating and amazing feeling to have gone through as much as i did and not be a completely fallen angel. it's empowering seeing something--that everyone is oh so quick to judge for, like choosing to go without a car, or polygamy--from the other side. i will say this now, with absolute conviction... i do not regret what i have done. i do not regret my angle of perception in life, and i sure as hell don't regret the wonderful, and horrible, feelings i had taken in along with my vice(s).
upon crossing the threshold of sobriety, i had found all my loved ones and allies either gone, or changed into a viral dramatic sore on people's behind.
either the judgements were still there, or those who didn't judge were swept away with their own problems, or even worse, became a viscious monster, wanting nothing more that more gossip and lies to hurt and create distress within tight circles. of course, this is nothing new, it's been around since i was 6 years old, and my opinion hasn't changed either.
i still hate most people, if only for their astereotypical human flaws, just as i do now.
the only difference is, my new inability to avoid these people, mainly for two reasons.
1. i am completely sick of avoiding most people, am sick of traversing circles like an interloper, and just being an acquiantence. i am sick of the no feedback rules established on myself just because i don't want to get too close.
2. this "rare" human flaw of spreading viral words and manipulations is now fully proven to be an inescapable destiny, where succumbing to these things is a normal rite of passage for an "i have now seen everything and need to judge these people to good health" adult.
oh well, i suppose...
but the phenominal amount of stress now comes from my dependence of film to feel good, to feel accomplished, to feel validated....
it's a lot more difficult than i had originally thought to raise $17,000.00, get rights to 8 songs from 4 record conglomerates, and 6 subdivision companies(without paying thousands), getting people interested in investing in a generally unknown crew carrying a controversial and questionable plot.
also, every time i get a hold of anyone with some experience in either production design, or cinematography, they always dissapear out of thin air. i mean it. one day we'll be talking at lunch over what to leave out of the scipt till the end or something, and two days later, they dissapear, not at school, can't be reached at home, or had just moved between provinces.
and to top it all off, i am going to be over 13 grand in debt in under one year from all of this.
i sincerely think that being a pot head is the only thing keeping me from falling apart, which is all kinds of irony in itself.
..but my god, do i miss people. i miss those who have helped me and changed me, i miss those i have grown with, i miss those who were sincere, and i miss myself that came with it.
i'm not saying i ever had it easy in life, but it didn't directly affect me as much "back in the day" (i have gained certifercates and federal rights to use that saying, being 21 and all)
i miss those intelligent talks with people, i miss those innocent, but fulfilling roles we used to play.
i miss love. i really do....
i don't like to think that i am a little too antisocial, but it's hard to escape at this point.
sooo, this livejournal account is still active (though the connections with people are not, but none the less)
this means that it's practically a solo job. i guess i could place this journal on private or something, but i'm not sure how.
so, to catch up with multiple years of disconnection with you, dear journal, i will have to work hard at eaxplaining just who i am now.
it is true, what they say. "people never change. they may think they do, but it's just the age"
so i went through a three year addiction, and mysteriously came out...again.. i don't know how many times one can luck out, but i don't intend to test said luck, so i think i'm done with the hard stuff for good.
not that i was at the bottom of the barrell, but i could see that inevitability creep up slowly like a silky smooth leech, and i was running out of my will and blood pretty quickly.
but i must say, it was an exhilarating and amazing feeling to have gone through as much as i did and not be a completely fallen angel. it's empowering seeing something--that everyone is oh so quick to judge for, like choosing to go without a car, or polygamy--from the other side. i will say this now, with absolute conviction... i do not regret what i have done. i do not regret my angle of perception in life, and i sure as hell don't regret the wonderful, and horrible, feelings i had taken in along with my vice(s).
upon crossing the threshold of sobriety, i had found all my loved ones and allies either gone, or changed into a viral dramatic sore on people's behind.
either the judgements were still there, or those who didn't judge were swept away with their own problems, or even worse, became a viscious monster, wanting nothing more that more gossip and lies to hurt and create distress within tight circles. of course, this is nothing new, it's been around since i was 6 years old, and my opinion hasn't changed either.
i still hate most people, if only for their astereotypical human flaws, just as i do now.
the only difference is, my new inability to avoid these people, mainly for two reasons.
1. i am completely sick of avoiding most people, am sick of traversing circles like an interloper, and just being an acquiantence. i am sick of the no feedback rules established on myself just because i don't want to get too close.
2. this "rare" human flaw of spreading viral words and manipulations is now fully proven to be an inescapable destiny, where succumbing to these things is a normal rite of passage for an "i have now seen everything and need to judge these people to good health" adult.
oh well, i suppose...
but the phenominal amount of stress now comes from my dependence of film to feel good, to feel accomplished, to feel validated....
it's a lot more difficult than i had originally thought to raise $17,000.00, get rights to 8 songs from 4 record conglomerates, and 6 subdivision companies(without paying thousands), getting people interested in investing in a generally unknown crew carrying a controversial and questionable plot.
also, every time i get a hold of anyone with some experience in either production design, or cinematography, they always dissapear out of thin air. i mean it. one day we'll be talking at lunch over what to leave out of the scipt till the end or something, and two days later, they dissapear, not at school, can't be reached at home, or had just moved between provinces.
and to top it all off, i am going to be over 13 grand in debt in under one year from all of this.
i sincerely think that being a pot head is the only thing keeping me from falling apart, which is all kinds of irony in itself.
..but my god, do i miss people. i miss those who have helped me and changed me, i miss those i have grown with, i miss those who were sincere, and i miss myself that came with it.
i'm not saying i ever had it easy in life, but it didn't directly affect me as much "back in the day" (i have gained certifercates and federal rights to use that saying, being 21 and all)
i miss those intelligent talks with people, i miss those innocent, but fulfilling roles we used to play.
i miss love. i really do....