Writing Workshop Assignment #4: The Jackson Valley Maniac

[jennyweatherup]

This week's assignment:

You have two choices. Write either a story about growing up, like Mona Simpson did (we also read Reunion, which has this same subject), using two characters who are thrown together by some sort of circumstance. Two characters ONLY (although you can have an "extra" like the waiter or the car wash kid as in Simpson's story). Or

Comments

[theory_of_chaos]

I like the way you bury the detail about the pizza being on its way, so we only remember it after the reveal. It's a good muscle to develop, being able to present your audience a necessary bit of information in a way that we both receive it, and have a reason to dismiss it from our consciousness. Because it comes to us as part of the moment of big sister brushing off little sister, we chalk it up to that purpose and forget about it.

The second paragraph gave me a little bit of a hiccup. I think it's a really subtle perspective point, but the way you describe the twirling of the hair and the cute voice sounds removed and calculated. It's like you're remembering the story from a certain distance away, or that the character is consciously manipulative. Since the tension you're going to create later on as she reads the magazine (which is great, and I think can even be expanded) is all about her being of a very immediate, reactive, emotional nature (which is fitting for her apparent age and eventual actions), the crispness and brevity of just those brief sentences can cause an interruption, just enough of a little bunch in the carpet that we can trip over. You might make up your mind if you are trying to write in her voice or in the voice of an older her remembering, and invest fully in that choice to see what small changes it brings about in language and pacing.

Could be me overreacting or overinterpreting, but that's the effect it had on me. Otherwise, you've crafted a nice little scene with clear language and just enough detail (good work making a call-back out of the family picture, too!)

Hope you're enjoying the class!

[jennyweatherup]

Thanks for the feedback. There are definitely things I could change or punch up; part of it is due to the time constraints (both because it's a weekly class and because I have other things on my plate), and part of it has to do with being overly self-conscious about tailoring the writing to the assignment, but there are also a few issues/tendencies I might not think about otherwise if they weren't pointed out. It's good to have an outside perspective to react to the story as a whole.

I am enjoying the class! I hope you have enjoyed teaching your current screenwriting class!

[theory_of_chaos]

Don't feel bad about the time constraints - at this point it's good for you, on-balance, because it disarms any chance for you to get caught up in trying to make it perfect and then giving yourself reasons not to finish the piece. This way, without question, you just make the choice and get it done. I had to develop much the same attitude when I was working on the college newspaper and the printing deadline was implacable. Finishing pieces like this - even if you look back and see that they could be improved - is an incredible confidence-builder, long-term.