FREEDOM AU Story Three: Free Me. 1/1
SUMMARY: To move forward, Dean's time in Hell must be dealt with. Written for the "counseling" square on my hc_bingo card.
Sam woke feeling simultaneously stronger and weaker. He knew the cleansing of his addiction and his demon blood had 'taken', because he felt exactly as he had been told to expect.
Weaker, because he was no longer "powered up" and would have to learn to control his native abilities and to learn to control the draw, the temptation to "power up" again.
Stronger, because he was no longer dependent. He was his own man again - down to the blood that was now flowing through his veins. It had not truly been his blood since he was six months old.
Until now.
When his bladder started making its pressure known, Sam moved to sit up - only to find that he couldn't. A fond grin crossed his face as he reached down and tapped the wrist of the arm that was locked about his waist.
Dean sighed in his sleep and rolled his hand over, palm up. Sam slid out of bed and swiftly took care of business.
When he came out of the bathroom, he was startled to find a piping-hot breakfast writing on the table and Loki sitting on the bed, quietly rubbing circles between Dean's shoulderblades. Loki looked up and smiled. "Good morning," he said softly.
"Morning," Sam said, just as softly, as he swiftly dressed. "What are you doing?"
"Waking your brother up," Loki replied as he looked down at Dean and smiled. "Aaaaand here he comes."
Dean's eyes opened a fraction and he blinked. Then his hand came up and he rubbed his eyes across the back of it as he rolled over onto his back. His eyes flew open and he sat up. "What the hell..."
Loki's grin grew. "Morning." His smile dropped. "Eat up and then we'll talk."
"Nothin' to talk to you about," Dean grumped, crawling out of bed and swaying toward the bathroom.
"Oh, I think there is," Loki matched Dean's tone. "Because you can't help Sam until you deal with Hell. And don't you even try to tell me you're dealing with it 'just fine'."
Dean spun to face him. "Now, look, you little--"
"Hey," Loki said, not moving. "Hello? Angel here, remember? I've dropped the Trickster shell for now. Like I said, buddy-boy - you're fun to mess with. But this is too damn serious to screw around with."
Dean stared at him, then retreated to the bathroom. When he came out, he went to the table and ate in silence.
Loki snapped his fingers and the detritus of the meal vanished. Then he walked over and sat at the table. "Our primary job is to get Lilith back into Hell. To do that, you two have to be on the same page. One mind, one heart, one soul, one focus. At this point, there is one huge elephant in the room that we have to shoot."
"Dean's time in Hell," Sam identified, and Loki nodded.
Dean sighed. "I don't - I really, really don't want to talk about it."
"It's that bad?" Sam asked.
"It's worse than you can imagine." Dean shuddered. "What was done to me.... what I did...what I became..."
Loki brushed his fingertips along Dean's wrist. "Would it be easier if Sam heard it from me?" Dean studied both their faces, then nodded slowly. Loki nodded as well and turned to Sam. "He was put on the rack of Hell's master torturer - Alistair."
At the name, Dean's entire body shuddered and he paled whiter than milk. Sam reached over and curled his long fingers around Dean's wrist, silently offering comfort.
"He..." Dean whispered. "He did...everything to me....again...and again...."
Sam's eyes widened as the implications hit him. He choked back a reply, watching as Dean's eyes filled with tears.
"He'd always say....it would stop....." Dean whispered. "If I'd start torturing. And I said no....for thirty years."
"'Thirty'?" Sam frowned. "But you were there for forty...." His eyes widened again as it hit him. "Oh, Dean...."
Loki's voice was gentle. "And Alistair is a very good teacher."
"I was a very good student," Dean groaned. "I enjoyed it - I thrived on it! What does that say about me? About what kind of man I really am?"
Loki leaned forward. "It says that Hell took a natural human need and twisted it. In this case - the need for a father's approval and love. Alistair set himself up as your father figure and praised you when you did your new job well. Showed you kindness then." He lay a hand on Dean's arm. "Dean - you were tortured while you were torturing. You never enjoyed the actual torture - you thrived on the positive attention from a father figure."
Both of them could see the moment it dawned in Dean's eyes. "....So....it's...."
Sam smiled. "You're free from that secret now, Dean. You're free!"
"And you're free from yours," Dean said. "I'll always know how to torture..."
"And I'll always fight addiction," Sam said.
"And you'll always have to deal with your abilities," Loki nodded. "But now you'll do it together. And that is what will make all the difference."
Dean nodded. "We'll make sure your powers are only used for good, Sammy."
Sam nodded, smiling.
Loki looked seriously at Dean. "And your powers, Dean."
Sam gasped. "What?"
END
Sam woke feeling simultaneously stronger and weaker. He knew the cleansing of his addiction and his demon blood had 'taken', because he felt exactly as he had been told to expect.
Weaker, because he was no longer "powered up" and would have to learn to control his native abilities and to learn to control the draw, the temptation to "power up" again.
Stronger, because he was no longer dependent. He was his own man again - down to the blood that was now flowing through his veins. It had not truly been his blood since he was six months old.
Until now.
When his bladder started making its pressure known, Sam moved to sit up - only to find that he couldn't. A fond grin crossed his face as he reached down and tapped the wrist of the arm that was locked about his waist.
Dean sighed in his sleep and rolled his hand over, palm up. Sam slid out of bed and swiftly took care of business.
When he came out of the bathroom, he was startled to find a piping-hot breakfast writing on the table and Loki sitting on the bed, quietly rubbing circles between Dean's shoulderblades. Loki looked up and smiled. "Good morning," he said softly.
"Morning," Sam said, just as softly, as he swiftly dressed. "What are you doing?"
"Waking your brother up," Loki replied as he looked down at Dean and smiled. "Aaaaand here he comes."
Dean's eyes opened a fraction and he blinked. Then his hand came up and he rubbed his eyes across the back of it as he rolled over onto his back. His eyes flew open and he sat up. "What the hell..."
Loki's grin grew. "Morning." His smile dropped. "Eat up and then we'll talk."
"Nothin' to talk to you about," Dean grumped, crawling out of bed and swaying toward the bathroom.
"Oh, I think there is," Loki matched Dean's tone. "Because you can't help Sam until you deal with Hell. And don't you even try to tell me you're dealing with it 'just fine'."
Dean spun to face him. "Now, look, you little--"
"Hey," Loki said, not moving. "Hello? Angel here, remember? I've dropped the Trickster shell for now. Like I said, buddy-boy - you're fun to mess with. But this is too damn serious to screw around with."
Dean stared at him, then retreated to the bathroom. When he came out, he went to the table and ate in silence.
Loki snapped his fingers and the detritus of the meal vanished. Then he walked over and sat at the table. "Our primary job is to get Lilith back into Hell. To do that, you two have to be on the same page. One mind, one heart, one soul, one focus. At this point, there is one huge elephant in the room that we have to shoot."
"Dean's time in Hell," Sam identified, and Loki nodded.
Dean sighed. "I don't - I really, really don't want to talk about it."
"It's that bad?" Sam asked.
"It's worse than you can imagine." Dean shuddered. "What was done to me.... what I did...what I became..."
Loki brushed his fingertips along Dean's wrist. "Would it be easier if Sam heard it from me?" Dean studied both their faces, then nodded slowly. Loki nodded as well and turned to Sam. "He was put on the rack of Hell's master torturer - Alistair."
At the name, Dean's entire body shuddered and he paled whiter than milk. Sam reached over and curled his long fingers around Dean's wrist, silently offering comfort.
"He..." Dean whispered. "He did...everything to me....again...and again...."
Sam's eyes widened as the implications hit him. He choked back a reply, watching as Dean's eyes filled with tears.
"He'd always say....it would stop....." Dean whispered. "If I'd start torturing. And I said no....for thirty years."
"'Thirty'?" Sam frowned. "But you were there for forty...." His eyes widened again as it hit him. "Oh, Dean...."
Loki's voice was gentle. "And Alistair is a very good teacher."
"I was a very good student," Dean groaned. "I enjoyed it - I thrived on it! What does that say about me? About what kind of man I really am?"
Loki leaned forward. "It says that Hell took a natural human need and twisted it. In this case - the need for a father's approval and love. Alistair set himself up as your father figure and praised you when you did your new job well. Showed you kindness then." He lay a hand on Dean's arm. "Dean - you were tortured while you were torturing. You never enjoyed the actual torture - you thrived on the positive attention from a father figure."
Both of them could see the moment it dawned in Dean's eyes. "....So....it's...."
Sam smiled. "You're free from that secret now, Dean. You're free!"
"And you're free from yours," Dean said. "I'll always know how to torture..."
"And I'll always fight addiction," Sam said.
"And you'll always have to deal with your abilities," Loki nodded. "But now you'll do it together. And that is what will make all the difference."
Dean nodded. "We'll make sure your powers are only used for good, Sammy."
Sam nodded, smiling.
Loki looked seriously at Dean. "And your powers, Dean."
Sam gasped. "What?"
END