warning -- I'm a little bummed
I don't typically like writing down depressive nonsense, because I think hope is what makes life worthwhile, but this is something that I have been kicking around. I really don't so much want advice with it, it's just something I had to post
The Crux
You cannot let your own happiness depend upon another person.
What's frustrating and difficult is when one's own sense of meaning, destiny, etc are wrapped up in people that you love. You meet someone and something happens, something clicks, something feels cosmically important about it. This is what helps some people fall in love. Once you've felt that sense of cosmic importance it's hard to feel the same joy in smaller things, like sharing a piece of candy, unless it's accompanied by those epic feelings.
For me, falling in love has always been like a drug, only worse.
I have been able to conjure those same feelings, in my own life, independently of people, praying and meditating. But the problem is the inability to share those feelings with another person. To a certain extent, I feel like, since these feelings are exclusively inside of me, they are somehow not as real; they are purely subjective. The problem is they FEEL more real than most of what I experience out in the real world.
People, certain people, trigger these feelings of meaningfulness to envelope me. Other people don't. In my life, I have long since learned via many dating experiences gone wrong, that I will consistently fail to become romantically/physically attracted to people who do not trigger the Cascading Sense of Meaning Experience.
But after a certain point, if the same people who lead you to feeling those feelings consistently dismiss you romantically....(granted this has only really happened twice, but that's a signal in and of itself that something is amiss)....and then other people seem to have that Sense of Cosmic Destiny about you quite often, but you don't feel the same way....you begin to suspect that the feeling that you felt around them was just some sort of glitch or something.
And since this is one of the most deeply real experiences you have ever felt....this makes you wonder how much of your internal experience is just a "glitch."
Considering that I am a very meaning dominant person, and don't enjoy "mindless" anything, on the dating front this all becomes very problematic. (Some of my readers might mention God having someone in mind for me -- well, if there is a God, God doesn't want me to marry someone I have no feelings for....just sayin'. So why the cosmic feelings about people who don't return the feelings to me? I can't explain how indepth these feelings are. If they are an illusion, this is tantamount to saying that some of the deepest feelings I've ever felt are meaningless.)
Basically I don't really want advice here, I'm just sort of throwing paint at the wall, which is something I do not normally do. These things are something that just have to resolve for me, in my own soul, somehow.