see inside my eyes
As soon as I said I'd be doing no more of that sad introspective emotional stuff, I go and have the most intense week EVER. I was so frustrated all week long. And I cried. The end.
Hopefully this week will be better. Nothing will have changed. But I'm thinking I can rise above. Or at least a little higher than I did last week.
I've worked with about five women thus far in the shelter, which doesn't seem like a lot, but this population is incredibly high maintenance, and understandably so. Their cases require a lot of time and emotional energy. Not only are the residents’ situations wrought with problems other than domestic violence (homelessness, unemployment, multiple children, legal issues, the list goes on…), some are emotionally unstable and feel overwhelmed by the smallest issues. Because they are in a temporary shelter (standard is 30 days, but thankfully extensions are usually granted when necessary), they are required to act quickly to get their lives in order. Any other person with such low levels of emotional and psychological functioning would never be expected to suddenly hit the ground running… as if they hadn’t been beaten and/or raped regularly for five years and hadn’t just turned their lives upside down by leaving to start all over. The shelter’s director and her colleague complain nonstop about residents who are “lazy.” Many of these women are depressed and many more are uneducated. They do not know their options. Nor do they have the motivation to explore their options.
I don’t naively think it is the role of any agency or organization to spoon feed a client, but I feel very strongly that an agency should hire staff capable of encouraging others, and should whenever and wherever possible make information and other tools readily available for clients.
I’m currently working with an exceptionally needy client, one whose story gets more complex and whose problems grow in depth and number every single day. I could write a novel about her issues, what she has on her plate, and the emotional state that keeps her from doing anything easily. I could write a second novel on the ways the agency is able but unwilling to help, thus making her situation much more difficult than it already is. I spent the majority of my week advocating for her within the shelter, as if I should have to prove that she's worthy of available resources.
I should’ve spoken to my supervisor earlier (although I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that at all). Instead, I let my frustration build to the point that I let my guard down. I was uncharacteristically short-tempered, and I’m sure my face conveyed everything I was thinking. In her limited English my client reminded me that she isn’t stupid, and she feels that others think she can’t sense how little regard they have for her, and she knew why I was frustrated. She said, "they don’t see inside my eyes.” It took everything I had in that moment to keep from crying in front of her. I managed to both sympathize with and minimize her observation by saying that they don’t look into my eyes either (which is true), but that I knew what she meant. I regained my composure and we moved on to face the next obstacle. In retrospect, not to blame anyone other than myself for the situation, but I think facing a common barrier made us a better team. We were able to accomplish more on Thursday than any other day that week.
Even so, I went home feeling completely defeated. As an intern, there's nothing I can do about the way this shelter is run. So many things that are so wrong. And it's because of two women who call themselves social workers. Both are ridiculously unprofessional (I won't start about that) and generally ambivalent toward the residents. One is just not smart. Someone thought it would be ok to stick me and another student with a supervisor who was never even able to pass the social work licensure exam. She's also jaded from years of DHR work. The other is younger and more informed but is THE most difficult person I've ever worked with. She just finished her MSW a year ago, and she's very defensive of her status. I can respect the authority of anyone who can lead effectively by example. But combine bad attitude, inexperience, and demand for status.... and you get pure misery. The best I can do with her is only respond when I have to and try really hard not to raise one eyebrow.
Bed time for this sleepy girl. Gotta rest up for another day of fun. 250 hours down. 250 more to go.
Hopefully this week will be better. Nothing will have changed. But I'm thinking I can rise above. Or at least a little higher than I did last week.
I've worked with about five women thus far in the shelter, which doesn't seem like a lot, but this population is incredibly high maintenance, and understandably so. Their cases require a lot of time and emotional energy. Not only are the residents’ situations wrought with problems other than domestic violence (homelessness, unemployment, multiple children, legal issues, the list goes on…), some are emotionally unstable and feel overwhelmed by the smallest issues. Because they are in a temporary shelter (standard is 30 days, but thankfully extensions are usually granted when necessary), they are required to act quickly to get their lives in order. Any other person with such low levels of emotional and psychological functioning would never be expected to suddenly hit the ground running… as if they hadn’t been beaten and/or raped regularly for five years and hadn’t just turned their lives upside down by leaving to start all over. The shelter’s director and her colleague complain nonstop about residents who are “lazy.” Many of these women are depressed and many more are uneducated. They do not know their options. Nor do they have the motivation to explore their options.
I don’t naively think it is the role of any agency or organization to spoon feed a client, but I feel very strongly that an agency should hire staff capable of encouraging others, and should whenever and wherever possible make information and other tools readily available for clients.
I’m currently working with an exceptionally needy client, one whose story gets more complex and whose problems grow in depth and number every single day. I could write a novel about her issues, what she has on her plate, and the emotional state that keeps her from doing anything easily. I could write a second novel on the ways the agency is able but unwilling to help, thus making her situation much more difficult than it already is. I spent the majority of my week advocating for her within the shelter, as if I should have to prove that she's worthy of available resources.
I should’ve spoken to my supervisor earlier (although I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that at all). Instead, I let my frustration build to the point that I let my guard down. I was uncharacteristically short-tempered, and I’m sure my face conveyed everything I was thinking. In her limited English my client reminded me that she isn’t stupid, and she feels that others think she can’t sense how little regard they have for her, and she knew why I was frustrated. She said, "they don’t see inside my eyes.” It took everything I had in that moment to keep from crying in front of her. I managed to both sympathize with and minimize her observation by saying that they don’t look into my eyes either (which is true), but that I knew what she meant. I regained my composure and we moved on to face the next obstacle. In retrospect, not to blame anyone other than myself for the situation, but I think facing a common barrier made us a better team. We were able to accomplish more on Thursday than any other day that week.
Even so, I went home feeling completely defeated. As an intern, there's nothing I can do about the way this shelter is run. So many things that are so wrong. And it's because of two women who call themselves social workers. Both are ridiculously unprofessional (I won't start about that) and generally ambivalent toward the residents. One is just not smart. Someone thought it would be ok to stick me and another student with a supervisor who was never even able to pass the social work licensure exam. She's also jaded from years of DHR work. The other is younger and more informed but is THE most difficult person I've ever worked with. She just finished her MSW a year ago, and she's very defensive of her status. I can respect the authority of anyone who can lead effectively by example. But combine bad attitude, inexperience, and demand for status.... and you get pure misery. The best I can do with her is only respond when I have to and try really hard not to raise one eyebrow.
Bed time for this sleepy girl. Gotta rest up for another day of fun. 250 hours down. 250 more to go.