(no subject)

[jennyhoe_]

i'm worried. i realised that i don't have any real friends. which bothers me. i mean, i have friends. people i can talk to, hang out with, go out with. which is fine by me. but the only person that i am really close to is chris. not my family - i have never been close to them. but if something happens with chris - who do i have to talk to? i dont really have anyone. i used to have sarah. she helped me through a couple of break ups. but now we have no lessons at college together, i hardly ever see her. and i dont really seem to make an effort-if we arrange to do something, i wont cancel. but i never really organise anything, i just tend to see chris all the time. which can't be good, being so dependent on him, right? if we had a fight, sure, i'd have friends to go out with and who'd try and make me feel better and forget about it. but i'd have no-one who i could just talk to or cry to. i hope nothing will happen between us, nothing has so far, but you never know. and then i think well, theres not much point getting really close to anyone cos i'll be moving away in september, and i'd miss them. chris is coming with me and i won't miss my family much, so no problems right now. i just dont know if i choose not to get close to people, or im just incapable of doing so? most of my friends are guys i guess, im not very feminine and i seem to get on better with them. but its hard to get close to a male friend, without feeling anything for them, them feeling anything for you, or your boyfriend or their girlfriend getting jealous. i have enough fun..but sometimes i just want a close female friend to talk to. like the old sarah. i dont know how to get her back though, she has different friends from me so we dont tend to go out in a group, i just go to her house sometimes. and i dont know why i'm writing this in my journal, but you know, i have no-one to talk about it with!
im also really worried that i ruined chris's relationship with his best friend. she has been his best friend for ever, but went to uni this year. they have been texting and writing a lot; at christmas she came back home. but they didnt meet up at all, which was strange. saw some messages from her, saying she was really pissed off with him for not bothering to meet her, because he had kept making excuses and was too busy. at work, or seeing me. so now he has no close friends either? he goes out drinking with mates and stuff,but i guess is in the same situation as me. but if we're going to live together, wont it be like that all the time? i dunno.
in other news..ive got my driving test in three weeks. shitshitshitshitshit.