god is dead
The day is rainy and I feel quiet and introspective. I have to go to the Phila Art Museum today and meet up with my Italian Renaissance Art class.
I wish it wasn't every shade of grey outside. Not very uplifting. I wish I wasn't so cranky all of the time. I wish that I could be nicer to people in general. I wish that I wasn't so snippy with Tim alot of the time. I am so imperfect. I take out on others the things that make me feel bad inside. I am happy for the most part. It takes effort though.
Sometimes, I wonder why Tim loves me so much, the first he says this morning when he wakes up is "your so beautiful - i love you" and I'm just like "yah whatever". I treat him like shit more often than not anymore. Its like I hold it against him that he just can't be perfect, thats why stupid things bother me. I feel bad because I am mean sometimes and can't help it. I am reactionary in the same ways that my dad was when I was growing up. I could write a book on how to make people feel bad, and how to get pissed off over nothing. I get along alot better now with my father than I did growing up. I just see the pattern of character developing in myself that I don't like. I react and do and say things that my father said to me when I was younger that I hated him for. Sometimes, I have this complex like I am better and more superior than most people for some inexplicable reason. For even odder reason, I just don't like most people sometimes. I don't even give people a chance sometimes. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have an overwhelming sense of negativity and darkness inside of me.
I keep feeling like something is drastically wrong in the universe in that matrixy sort of way. There are things that I find hysterical, like organized religion. What the fuck is up with that? We are so civilized that we still fight wars over whose god/religion is better. I find it even more humorous that people actually believe that Jesus was the son of god. Ok -- smoke some more crack. Something is cosmically wrong.
I think the first time I realized that Catholicism was a farce was when I was maybe 14 and I asked my mom "If it is a mortal sin to kill someone, and you go to hell for it, then what of a soldier who kills someone in a war, whether it be religiously-based or not, does he go to hell for killing someone?" There really was no answer. I never got one in any of my theology classes either. I subsequently renounced my faith at 15 and have been searching for reasons, answers and personal beliefs for the past 11 years. I've bounced between Atheism, Agnosticism, Wicca, Metaphysics and all of the in between realms. I've reseached Hinduism, Buddhism and Judaism. I just don't belong anywhere. I feel no real connection to any religion. I have things that I believe in. They just don't all fall under the category of one religion or the other. I need to catalogue my beliefs and where I am going in that direction. If I have children do I have them baptised because our families are Christian? Do I follow the path of my heart and raise them to find their own way?
I don't know why I am thinking about all of this. Its the gray. Its the rain.
I wish it wasn't every shade of grey outside. Not very uplifting. I wish I wasn't so cranky all of the time. I wish that I could be nicer to people in general. I wish that I wasn't so snippy with Tim alot of the time. I am so imperfect. I take out on others the things that make me feel bad inside. I am happy for the most part. It takes effort though.
Sometimes, I wonder why Tim loves me so much, the first he says this morning when he wakes up is "your so beautiful - i love you" and I'm just like "yah whatever". I treat him like shit more often than not anymore. Its like I hold it against him that he just can't be perfect, thats why stupid things bother me. I feel bad because I am mean sometimes and can't help it. I am reactionary in the same ways that my dad was when I was growing up. I could write a book on how to make people feel bad, and how to get pissed off over nothing. I get along alot better now with my father than I did growing up. I just see the pattern of character developing in myself that I don't like. I react and do and say things that my father said to me when I was younger that I hated him for. Sometimes, I have this complex like I am better and more superior than most people for some inexplicable reason. For even odder reason, I just don't like most people sometimes. I don't even give people a chance sometimes. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have an overwhelming sense of negativity and darkness inside of me.
I keep feeling like something is drastically wrong in the universe in that matrixy sort of way. There are things that I find hysterical, like organized religion. What the fuck is up with that? We are so civilized that we still fight wars over whose god/religion is better. I find it even more humorous that people actually believe that Jesus was the son of god. Ok -- smoke some more crack. Something is cosmically wrong.
I think the first time I realized that Catholicism was a farce was when I was maybe 14 and I asked my mom "If it is a mortal sin to kill someone, and you go to hell for it, then what of a soldier who kills someone in a war, whether it be religiously-based or not, does he go to hell for killing someone?" There really was no answer. I never got one in any of my theology classes either. I subsequently renounced my faith at 15 and have been searching for reasons, answers and personal beliefs for the past 11 years. I've bounced between Atheism, Agnosticism, Wicca, Metaphysics and all of the in between realms. I've reseached Hinduism, Buddhism and Judaism. I just don't belong anywhere. I feel no real connection to any religion. I have things that I believe in. They just don't all fall under the category of one religion or the other. I need to catalogue my beliefs and where I am going in that direction. If I have children do I have them baptised because our families are Christian? Do I follow the path of my heart and raise them to find their own way?
I don't know why I am thinking about all of this. Its the gray. Its the rain.