Let's pause to reflect on ... JEN'S HEALTH.
An update from the front lines of the WAR ON TERROR.
I mean my brain. Which is apparently a pretty scary thing.
I'm not sure if I updated about this ever, but a few days before I moved into NYU, I was at my bank talking about some stuff with the guy who takes care of me ... and suddenly, I felt light-headed and I couldn't see anything but his face. It was the kind of swirling darkness you get when you stand up too fast and the colors shift, except this time I could see only him. And then after a few seconds, I couldn't see anything -- eyes wide open. I kind of stared at what I think was the floor and said, "Mom, I can't see."
This was the first episode in a saga of what might be related to my low blood pressure, which has kind of stabilized at a mediocre 90/60, but it's better than the 77/55 or something that it was when I first went on medication. It happened a second time in school: I woke up at 5 in the morning and I couldn't see again. I was laying down, so I just fell asleep instead of risking any of the feelings of fatigue, and slept until 2. Both of these times with the loss of vision, I got terrible headaches afterwards.
More recently I've been getting nervous feelings when I don't eat, and it really pisses me off. It's like the situation with my asthma -- if I had an attack during karate, my rational side would nod sagely as I sat on the bathroom floor doing deep breathing and making good use of my inhaler. It'd say, "Okay, good, now you can breathe. Just relax."
...But then there'd be a totally irrational side saying "OMG YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO BREATHE! HYPERVENTILATE!"
So I hyperventilated.
A similar thing happens with the threat of fainting, which hasn't happened since my days in karate, but these little bouts aren't so great either. For example, if I'm standing in line in the dining hall in the morning waiting for my omelette to be made, my legs might start to shake because I haven't had a drop to eat or drink yet. My rational side is saying, "Calm the fuck down! You're getting food in a minute and you KNOW you're turning around and walking, what, 10 steps to your table and eating after this!"
But my irrational side says "OMG NOT GONNA MAKE IT GONNA PASS OUT! SHAKE YOUR LEGS, FEEL NAUSEOUS, BE ANXIOUS!"
So I'm anxious.
Why does this happen to me? Who knows. But after these things, my head hurts, and so we come to the point of this entry. I have to have an EEG done, two doppler things (I've had one done before, to measure the blood flow to my brain and thus makes my pulse in my neck sound like a fucking UFO is landing IN MY HEAD), and ... an MRI.
Whut.
I don't want to get a fucking MRI! But it must be done. My hope is that they'll find something in the EEG, or determine that this is something silly like a migraine and the whole shaky business is my head fucking with me, and say it's unnecessary. Otherwise, it's the loud MRI for me. Guh.
So that's my exciting life. The EEG and the alien doppler are happening tomorrow at 12:30. I went out to Plainview karate this evening to see if Sensei Gravina was there, got incredibly nervous upon approaching the door. Didn't go in. Learned he's away, and that's the end of that. The last time I stood in front of that door, I was trying to make a comeback to karate after going on the medication but so afraid of passing out again. Parents understand the hesitation? Of course not. At least I got brownies from Trader Joe's, and it was so un-crazy, unlike the one up in Union Square. Fucking insane.
So how's life?