(no subject)
What am i to say?
that its not your fault? That you're a victim of a fathers abandonment and a mother's cluelessness wrapped up in a neat little package of hope and sacrifice praying for someone to love you and feeling as though no one ever will. There are so many times in my life when it would've just been so much easier for me to see you in black and white. To dismiss you as the girl that you always thought you were and the one you let everyone else see, or embrace you and be blind to everything else. Loving you takes so much effort and time and patience and hope. that's what its supposed to be. that's what *love* is. And its making mistakes, and owning up to them and being able to brush off that hurt as if it were sand.
But I'm haunted by the fact that its you. That whatever you could do to me, I'd always forgive you because I know you are who you are and you can say all of these things and i'll know that you mean them and fall short again into my rosey world. You make me feel guilty for being so angry with you. You make me feel guilty for feeling betrayed and let down and hurt. And as much as I forgive you - though its not my place to forgive - its still a knot in my stomach. Its the fact that this last piece of my life here that I held on to with everything I had just got grabbed away and I never even knew it.
I can't get rid of last summer. Its dirt in my eye that only sticks when you try to rub it out. Its knowing that I have, and haven't, had any control over two people i hold dearest in this world. Its thinking that the boundary on that front was set and that neither one of us would cross that line because we knew what it would mean to the other. Its knowing how many opportunities I missed out on for myself because you were on my mind.
but most of all its being lied to. You of all people knew that. You held my hand while i raved at Katelyn's deception. You protected me from it and made me feel safe. You reassured me that not everyone was like that and then...proved it.
How am i supposed to be mad at you? you've punished yourself enough and whose to say that I want you feeling badly? The only thing that comes from your unhappiness is mine, so why wish that upon anyone? In reality, its none of my business. What either of you do, what either of you feel or how you felt is none of my business. I had no right to know. it wasn't my place, and its not your fault i found out. You hating yourself isnt going to make me feel any better about my life, or my friends. So don't. And don't feel badly now because you got caught, honestly. You made it through a year without it, why ruin these last couple months with Josh over it?
What happened is over. You can't change it and neither can I. And you most certainly can't change how I feel about it, or my reaction. Life goes on, and in whatever twisted fashion, so do we.
that its not your fault? That you're a victim of a fathers abandonment and a mother's cluelessness wrapped up in a neat little package of hope and sacrifice praying for someone to love you and feeling as though no one ever will. There are so many times in my life when it would've just been so much easier for me to see you in black and white. To dismiss you as the girl that you always thought you were and the one you let everyone else see, or embrace you and be blind to everything else. Loving you takes so much effort and time and patience and hope. that's what its supposed to be. that's what *love* is. And its making mistakes, and owning up to them and being able to brush off that hurt as if it were sand.
But I'm haunted by the fact that its you. That whatever you could do to me, I'd always forgive you because I know you are who you are and you can say all of these things and i'll know that you mean them and fall short again into my rosey world. You make me feel guilty for being so angry with you. You make me feel guilty for feeling betrayed and let down and hurt. And as much as I forgive you - though its not my place to forgive - its still a knot in my stomach. Its the fact that this last piece of my life here that I held on to with everything I had just got grabbed away and I never even knew it.
I can't get rid of last summer. Its dirt in my eye that only sticks when you try to rub it out. Its knowing that I have, and haven't, had any control over two people i hold dearest in this world. Its thinking that the boundary on that front was set and that neither one of us would cross that line because we knew what it would mean to the other. Its knowing how many opportunities I missed out on for myself because you were on my mind.
but most of all its being lied to. You of all people knew that. You held my hand while i raved at Katelyn's deception. You protected me from it and made me feel safe. You reassured me that not everyone was like that and then...proved it.
How am i supposed to be mad at you? you've punished yourself enough and whose to say that I want you feeling badly? The only thing that comes from your unhappiness is mine, so why wish that upon anyone? In reality, its none of my business. What either of you do, what either of you feel or how you felt is none of my business. I had no right to know. it wasn't my place, and its not your fault i found out. You hating yourself isnt going to make me feel any better about my life, or my friends. So don't. And don't feel badly now because you got caught, honestly. You made it through a year without it, why ruin these last couple months with Josh over it?
What happened is over. You can't change it and neither can I. And you most certainly can't change how I feel about it, or my reaction. Life goes on, and in whatever twisted fashion, so do we.