Animals, I love you! Why do you hate me!? Spare me your wrath of bites and trashed apartments!
Two days ago I got bitten by a spider at 1AM. It was one of the most painful things I have ever felt. I actually shrieked and jumped up and put my foot under running cold water while shaking and trying to sort out what just happened to me, because it didn't look like anything was even there. closer inspection revealed two tiny holes, like pinpricks... then. this big rash overtook my whole foot. I got all buzzed feeling and my foot and ankle started swelling up. so I call TeleHealth, and the nurse tells me that I have a 2 hour window for shock, and that I am not in the clear on a lethal or serious reaction until 3AM. She says I don't need to go to the hospital yet, BUT I can't be alone. I asked her if three cats counted. She said no. So I drop the thesis and head to see Shan, because I have to sit and wait to see if a tiny spider biting me is how I will die, and if I am going to die I may as well be with someone that I like.
We mostly watched the wedge, which was pretty terrible on the whole, aside from one animal collective video but I always think those are the very best anyways. I had to rub baking soda paste into the bite to flush it out. The RN on the phone said to me that I should put meat tenderizer on it, then MSG... then I said "ok, if I said 'I eat vegan and there's nothing in my house like that, what would you recommend?" and she was like "OH! Baking Soda, it works just great." Thanks TeleHealth! You're the best thing my tax dollars buy.
At 3:45, when all my bedding (which I washed to rid it of spiders) was dry, I decided to head back home to sleep. I couldn't sleep at all my foot hurt SO BAD... even with the ice I tied to it it was killing me. Around sunrise I dozed off finally. The painkillers were working, everything was finally nice and calm...
... until 7AM when a squirrel got into the kitchen.
The three cats that live with me in ONE ROOM decided to opt out of dealing with the squirrel, and sleep as they lay, on my bed, throughout the resolution. Basically, while limping, and with ice tied to my foot, and in my underwear, because it was like 28 degrees in here, I tried, IN VAIN to politely shoo the squirrel out. He was really enjoying my fruit, so going outside was not really a great interest of his. He went left, I went left, then i faked right and spooked him into the windowsill. Now, this is an important juncture, I know from past squirrel/kitchen encounters... last time we got here, I got bitten... and this wasn't going down that way. I got a towel and managed to push him out. HA! I gave him the apple he'd eaten most of, and tossed the other one. Then I limped my spider bitten, animals sieged ass back to bed amidst the path of squirrel destruction... so knocked over plants, bits of apple, strewn paper, leaves and soil...
the rest of the day was normal enough. Shan and Joseph started a pool to bet which kind of animal would attack me next, then Joseph secretly propositioned me to provoke an animal with a good pay out, offering me some of the payout in return... but I was foolishly confident I wouldn't be attacked again.
So later, I got pretty sad (duh) and decided to climb a tree in the park near my house to watch the sunset and try and work through some issues--and out of nowhere I realize that shit is like diving at me!! It was bats. I had been swinging my ipod headphones because I'm fidgety... and they must have thought I was bugs. So I slip, and fall about 1/3 out of the tree, and scrape my leg, but get back in. Fortunately no one saw that I nearly got tossed from the tree, but one dude at the bus stop looked because I yelled out "WOAH! FUCKING BATS!" then there was a little commotion, and suddenly I was standing bewildered on the ground.
LIFE! I had a day of similar "really? is all this happening in one day? Oh, it is... well. I'm going back to bed then."
the stuff that happened today wasn't as funny though, so I decided not to write about it. I stand by my choice.