Unloading
Yesterday I became overwhelmed and needed to leave Scott's side to come home and be alone. I like to be alone when my mood is sub-optimal. The night before there were signals of a problem.
-My enjoyment of our bedroom time was somewhat...not. I couldn't let go. At one point, I threatened him, "If you do that I'll punch you in the mouth" and then almost proceeded to cry. One would think I have abuse issues in my past, but I don't. And Scott is the last person on Earth who deserves to be punched in the mouth.
-That night I could not remain asleep due to Restless Legs Syndrome. This is a problem that has haunted me since my late teenage years. It always happened when I was tired and the cure was just to go to sleep, something I've always done readily. But my recent depression cure- the EMSAM patch- works well but with one unfortunate side effect- insomnia. So now I'm forced to be awake and endure twitching nerves in my legs, and last night- my arms as well. I had been free of this problem for many months after taking an "overdose" of Valium. I took an entire handful to prove that it has absolutely no effects on me at all. It didn't EXCEPT, my Restless Legs problem I'd suffered with most of my life DISAPPEARED. Friday night was the first in I-don't-know-how-long that these symptoms returned- and with a vengeance.
-I felt disconnected from Scott that morning. I couldn't tell if it was a perception clouded by my bad mood or if I was picking up on something real. He made me a delicious cappuccino as always and we had a pleasant breakfast at Kerbey Lane North in the cold on the heated patio. We leisurely shopped IKEA for a few odds and ends Scott wanted for his bachelor pad. All enjoyable activities but I was feeling ever more disconnected. My confusion made me feel childlike and lost. A quick departure was in order. He always says, "I wish you would stay..." as I leave and "I miss you and wish you were here" when I'm gone but I'm picking up on some ennui. Perhaps it's my own but I'm unsure.
It's no wonder I'm fucked up:
-I spend to relieve the stress of debt
-eat to relieve the stress of physical insecurity
-isolate when I'm feeling lonely
-become frozen when stressed by lack of organization or productivity
I don't think these habits are meant to be self-destructive, although they surely are. They're a punishment, an attempt to overdose on the bad stuff so I no longer feel drawn to them. But it's all cumulative and unhelpful toward the goal of change.
I'm frozen right now- lacking in energy to "start today!". I just want to rest and recuperate- which also seems self-destructive.
Scott addressed my mood with a sentence that began, "I knew you had problems with depression when we got into this" and I answered, "Let's not be calling me mentally ill because I'm feeling overwhelmed and have some genuine concerns- doesn't everybody feel that way sometimes?" He apologized but I feel he is right- I am going into a depression.