it's not remorse, is it?; a D.Gray-Man fanfiction
A/N: ANOTHER PLOT BUNNY KILLED! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
And another go at angst, although I'm not so sure if I've suceeded. Thing is, this isn't exactly angst, nor is it really romance, or anything, but I'm just going to leave it under these categories.
Slight Yullen implied, because I love that pairing. :D
Title: it's not remorse, is it?
Category: Anime/Manga » D.Gray-Man
Author: jennifersayshi
Language: English, Rating: Rated: K+
Genre: Romance/Angst
Published: 6-11-2011, Updated: -
Chapters: 1, Words:
DISCLAIMER: I do not own D.Gray-Man.
I'm such a loser.
Here I am, free to walk around, not having to worry about unforeseen poisoning in my food, being who I have been for the better part of my life.
While he sits around in a cell, poking at his unnaturally flavoured food, without any hint of freedom, privacy, or a life.
Lenalee's sad.
Lavi's sad.
But I'm not so sure about myself.
At least he isn't dead yet?
No, that's not helping.
And I can't help replaying that scene over and over and over again, like in my room, where the silence becomes the noise, where I'm never alone, where my thoughts stalk me like some predator.
I can't even meditate now, not with those bloody few seconds being the only thing I see.
The metal sword makes a swift lunge, denting into the fabric, piercing through skin, then flesh, then bone, as a spurt of blood flees from its origins.
When I go to the cafeteria, there's no Allen pushing a mountain of food on a comparably puny cart, no Allen defending Finders from anyone's wrath, no Allen making everyone laugh with his food, or his clumsiness, or his jokes.
Then the sword finds it's way out of the body, once again skewering bonefleshskin, and out into the open again, from which the holes keep flowing blood, more blood, more blood.
There's no one for me to call Moyashi. Or to keep arguing with me about petty things like candles.
Allen stands still, his eyes lowered, taking in all the pain without a noise. Kanda realises in shock, what exactly he's done, as Allen calmly grasps Kanda's left shoulder and jerks himself backwards from the sword's pierce.
Then his body transforms into a Noah.
At night, I wander around the corridors in the sleeping quarters, and usually, I end up in front of Allen's room. Usually, I feel inclined to knock, to see if he's there. Most of the time, I press my ear against the door, only to be greeted by silence.
I wonder what would happen if one day, I go to his room, and I hear him breathing, a slight snore, a gentle sigh. I'm not sure what I would do. Even if I'm right in that situation, I think I wouldn't be sure what to do.
Maybe that's because I know in my subconscious that it's never going to happen.
I've said before, I don't know how I feel. Empty, hollow, kind of. And strangely light. Weightless. Then my outward emotions are switched off, making me look like I'm stoning. Also, I don't notice other people. I am indifferent. Yet I'm not. I'm not thinking, but I am, very hard.
About that scene...
That scene.
Allen.
Why is it that no one is actually specifically punishing me for bringing out the 14th?
Probably the Hitler guy - what'shisname Leverrier - was glad that I gave them reason to lock up Allen. I hate that guy. Freaking bastard.
I think I've become useless as Kanda Yuu, the exorcist. Right now, I think Kanda Yuu, the useless stone, is more fitting. I've lost the will to fight akumas, or anyone, for that matter, so I don't think it would do if I stay an exorcist.
Maybe I don't even want to be one. I can't decipher my own thoughts.
I don't need therapy.
Or do I?
Maybe I do.
Anything, to get the never-ending flashback out of my head. Even better if it could get Allen Walker out of my system too. That would really help.
I can't say if I love the person in question, because honestly, I don't know. I would have abhorred the slightest thought just a few months ago, but now things are different, and you never really know. It might be love. I don't know. Maybe.
Because I need Allen Walker to come back, to erase the guilt at least by a small degree, to turn life back into normal, and to possibly help me sort out my feelings.
I need him.
That, I'm sure of.
A/N: It's only at the end where there's implied Yullen, eh? *sniff* LOL.
Hope you enjoyed that! :D
And another go at angst, although I'm not so sure if I've suceeded. Thing is, this isn't exactly angst, nor is it really romance, or anything, but I'm just going to leave it under these categories.
Slight Yullen implied, because I love that pairing. :D
Title: it's not remorse, is it?
Category: Anime/Manga » D.Gray-Man
Author: jennifersayshi
Language: English, Rating: Rated: K+
Genre: Romance/Angst
Published: 6-11-2011, Updated: -
Chapters: 1, Words:
DISCLAIMER: I do not own D.Gray-Man.
I'm such a loser.
Here I am, free to walk around, not having to worry about unforeseen poisoning in my food, being who I have been for the better part of my life.
While he sits around in a cell, poking at his unnaturally flavoured food, without any hint of freedom, privacy, or a life.
Lenalee's sad.
Lavi's sad.
But I'm not so sure about myself.
At least he isn't dead yet?
No, that's not helping.
And I can't help replaying that scene over and over and over again, like in my room, where the silence becomes the noise, where I'm never alone, where my thoughts stalk me like some predator.
I can't even meditate now, not with those bloody few seconds being the only thing I see.
The metal sword makes a swift lunge, denting into the fabric, piercing through skin, then flesh, then bone, as a spurt of blood flees from its origins.
When I go to the cafeteria, there's no Allen pushing a mountain of food on a comparably puny cart, no Allen defending Finders from anyone's wrath, no Allen making everyone laugh with his food, or his clumsiness, or his jokes.
Then the sword finds it's way out of the body, once again skewering bonefleshskin, and out into the open again, from which the holes keep flowing blood, more blood, more blood.
There's no one for me to call Moyashi. Or to keep arguing with me about petty things like candles.
Allen stands still, his eyes lowered, taking in all the pain without a noise. Kanda realises in shock, what exactly he's done, as Allen calmly grasps Kanda's left shoulder and jerks himself backwards from the sword's pierce.
Then his body transforms into a Noah.
At night, I wander around the corridors in the sleeping quarters, and usually, I end up in front of Allen's room. Usually, I feel inclined to knock, to see if he's there. Most of the time, I press my ear against the door, only to be greeted by silence.
I wonder what would happen if one day, I go to his room, and I hear him breathing, a slight snore, a gentle sigh. I'm not sure what I would do. Even if I'm right in that situation, I think I wouldn't be sure what to do.
Maybe that's because I know in my subconscious that it's never going to happen.
I've said before, I don't know how I feel. Empty, hollow, kind of. And strangely light. Weightless. Then my outward emotions are switched off, making me look like I'm stoning. Also, I don't notice other people. I am indifferent. Yet I'm not. I'm not thinking, but I am, very hard.
About that scene...
That scene.
Allen.
Why is it that no one is actually specifically punishing me for bringing out the 14th?
Probably the Hitler guy - what'shisname Leverrier - was glad that I gave them reason to lock up Allen. I hate that guy. Freaking bastard.
I think I've become useless as Kanda Yuu, the exorcist. Right now, I think Kanda Yuu, the useless stone, is more fitting. I've lost the will to fight akumas, or anyone, for that matter, so I don't think it would do if I stay an exorcist.
Maybe I don't even want to be one. I can't decipher my own thoughts.
I don't need therapy.
Or do I?
Maybe I do.
Anything, to get the never-ending flashback out of my head. Even better if it could get Allen Walker out of my system too. That would really help.
I can't say if I love the person in question, because honestly, I don't know. I would have abhorred the slightest thought just a few months ago, but now things are different, and you never really know. It might be love. I don't know. Maybe.
Because I need Allen Walker to come back, to erase the guilt at least by a small degree, to turn life back into normal, and to possibly help me sort out my feelings.
I need him.
That, I'm sure of.
A/N: It's only at the end where there's implied Yullen, eh? *sniff* LOL.
Hope you enjoyed that! :D