07.17.07
So, today I played nice. I made Autumn breakfast, which she didn't eat, I didn't cry or act all clingy. I mean I did try and spy on her a little bit, but she caught me and slammed the door on my face. Well, why is she so secretive if she has no secrets?!
I'm getting tired of playing this game with her. It's really hard on me. She gets whatever she wants though, so whats the point in stopping right?
Marah is there to talk to her about bullshit that doesn't matter. Make her feel valued and important or whatever. All I do is take care of everything else. I cleaned my house yesterday. I mean I even scrubbed toilets. I hate doing the bathrooms.
She's not taking care of any of her responsibilities around here. She doesn't do the littler box, she doesn't take out the trash, she doesn't vacuum. These are all her jobs around the house. Instead she just sits on the computer all day listening to music waiting for me to leave the room so she can look at something she shouldn't be.
She needs to lose the phone too. She doesn't even care to text messege in front of me anymore. The phone vibrates she flips it open says her little I love u's to Marah and la-ti-dah, It doesn't even matter.
I went online yesterday to look up how to deal with cheating spouses and actually regain the marriage and trust. I'm doing half of the stuff right, but some not so much. I can't help myself from snooping thats a no-no. But I HAVE laid my feelings out on the table,and opened the discussion for her to let me know what went wrong that led her to seek out someone else. I mean, she says she's been unhappy for a while and she's suprised I never noticed, but she worked 3rd shift and I worked days so I rarely saw her and when I did it was when she first woke up, which is usually cranky Autumn time. How was I supposed to know she was unhappy? She never said anything. That's not saying I was happy, I wasn't. Time spent away from her CA made me realize I do love her and didn't want to leave.
If she did say anything about being unhappy it was vague shit like "Oh I want to kill myself" or "I hate my job" I can't fix either of those problems and neither of them seemed to have much to do with me. Shes a bad communicator.
We also made love. Which lasted like15 minutes from first kiss to last thrust. Never has it ever taken that little amount of time. I felt really cheap afterwards. I knew she didn't want to do it with me. I was looking for a signal and I got it. She doesn't want me anymore.
Then again last night, I was crying a lot. I was upset over this whole Marah thing, I lied and told her I saw my ex and it made me feel like shit because I have no friends and I can't keep anyone happy. She actually reached outand gave me a hug. A good hug too. She looked at me like she had feeling in her eyes, something I haven't seen for some time now. I am so confused. How am I ever going to know for sure whats going on?
I mean I want to stay, I want to work it out. But like the experts say, She has to cut ties with Marah before any real healing can occor. She's not willing to cut Marah out yet.
I want to tell Ahsley, Marah's gf, whats going on. I can't for a couple of reasons. #1 Ashley doesn't know me so why belive me. #2 If Ashley DOES belive me, then it'll just lead to her and Marah breaking up, leaving Marah more free time to mess with Autumn, and #3 If I tell Ashley, then Ashely will tell Marah who told her and Marah will tell Autumn, and then I'll be busted. So I'd have to set up a dummy myspace account and who belives anything they get from one of those?!
Please God give me the serenity to clear my mind and make the right choice. Please God also help Autumn to choose the right life for herself.
I'm getting tired of playing this game with her. It's really hard on me. She gets whatever she wants though, so whats the point in stopping right?
Marah is there to talk to her about bullshit that doesn't matter. Make her feel valued and important or whatever. All I do is take care of everything else. I cleaned my house yesterday. I mean I even scrubbed toilets. I hate doing the bathrooms.
She's not taking care of any of her responsibilities around here. She doesn't do the littler box, she doesn't take out the trash, she doesn't vacuum. These are all her jobs around the house. Instead she just sits on the computer all day listening to music waiting for me to leave the room so she can look at something she shouldn't be.
She needs to lose the phone too. She doesn't even care to text messege in front of me anymore. The phone vibrates she flips it open says her little I love u's to Marah and la-ti-dah, It doesn't even matter.
I went online yesterday to look up how to deal with cheating spouses and actually regain the marriage and trust. I'm doing half of the stuff right, but some not so much. I can't help myself from snooping thats a no-no. But I HAVE laid my feelings out on the table,and opened the discussion for her to let me know what went wrong that led her to seek out someone else. I mean, she says she's been unhappy for a while and she's suprised I never noticed, but she worked 3rd shift and I worked days so I rarely saw her and when I did it was when she first woke up, which is usually cranky Autumn time. How was I supposed to know she was unhappy? She never said anything. That's not saying I was happy, I wasn't. Time spent away from her CA made me realize I do love her and didn't want to leave.
If she did say anything about being unhappy it was vague shit like "Oh I want to kill myself" or "I hate my job" I can't fix either of those problems and neither of them seemed to have much to do with me. Shes a bad communicator.
We also made love. Which lasted like15 minutes from first kiss to last thrust. Never has it ever taken that little amount of time. I felt really cheap afterwards. I knew she didn't want to do it with me. I was looking for a signal and I got it. She doesn't want me anymore.
Then again last night, I was crying a lot. I was upset over this whole Marah thing, I lied and told her I saw my ex and it made me feel like shit because I have no friends and I can't keep anyone happy. She actually reached outand gave me a hug. A good hug too. She looked at me like she had feeling in her eyes, something I haven't seen for some time now. I am so confused. How am I ever going to know for sure whats going on?
I mean I want to stay, I want to work it out. But like the experts say, She has to cut ties with Marah before any real healing can occor. She's not willing to cut Marah out yet.
I want to tell Ahsley, Marah's gf, whats going on. I can't for a couple of reasons. #1 Ashley doesn't know me so why belive me. #2 If Ashley DOES belive me, then it'll just lead to her and Marah breaking up, leaving Marah more free time to mess with Autumn, and #3 If I tell Ashley, then Ashely will tell Marah who told her and Marah will tell Autumn, and then I'll be busted. So I'd have to set up a dummy myspace account and who belives anything they get from one of those?!
Please God give me the serenity to clear my mind and make the right choice. Please God also help Autumn to choose the right life for herself.