(no subject)
I'm always aspiring to make more of myself. I think if I didn't have my daughter I would be in such a different place right now. I got pregnant at the peak of my "career" at the time and fell back into family life. Honestly I'd love to be in the spotlight and dress wild and go dancing all the time like I used to. Right now I feel like I'm stuck in slow motion even though I'm always busy. I think it's because of school. I can't wait to be done with this. It consumes half my life and I no longer feel like I'm getting anything out of it. This entire week I've spent on my laptop almost all day at school. It's giving me headaches but there's not much else to do. Trying to be productive while I'm wasting away in this old run down building that they're about to tear down. I want to take intermediate sewing classes.. I want my hair to grow, but I've been tempted to cut it dramatically short again. I want to do something more low maintenance, but I know I would miss my fun, bright colors. I want to relax, but the whole time I'd be worrying about the things I'm not getting done. I want to shoot a lot more (modeling & taking photos) but I never feel like I have the time. I definitely don't feel like I could afford to do things that are just for fun when I could be making money or spending time with my family. I want to do some more self portraits soon. I'm inspired by everyone around me in little ways. Tid bits here and there. Gimme gimme, I just have to express myself. Everything is so up and down, back and forth, exhaustion and sleep, headaches and smiles, arguments and love making. I've been getting in bed just after 9pm every night but I still don't feel rested. Vitamins, decent foods, exercise.. what more? I've been considering starting to eat chicken and fish when I get pregnant. Chris and I would like to have a child by next October. Big step, hard work, pulling away at my career and all the things I want to do for myself.. but I've already fallen into family life and for now I'm working it. Maybe I'll be one of those 30 somethings who get famous for the things they've been doing and loving and perfecting for years. I cannot say this enough.. I want to sing. I am anxious for Rudi to move back to CA so we can make some music. I told Chris last week that after a certain point it's silly to try to start a band. He's 26, I'm 24.. but he used to be in a band that started shortly out of high school. For me, I just want to make music. I think the word "band" has a different meaning for me. "Jamming" in a garage is only for yourself. A waste of time for me. I want it out there. I want to move the world. I want to make something. Make something of myself.