(no subject)
Things have been so good lately, but as always, I find something that I need to vent about. The past two weeks have been so wonderful. I haven't felt lonely even once. At school I always see people I know and always have a friend to call to eat lunch with or whatever. I even know someone in all of my classes except one. What more could I ask for?
However, some stuff from last year still haunts me. The whole John issue aside, this girl who was my roommate last year is kind of getting on my nerves and I'm not sure I have a justified reason for it. Here's the problem:
Last year I found out (while kind of snooping on John's computer--I now realize i didn't trust him at all and he probably stopped trusting me at one specific point, but whatever), I found out that my roommate and him were talking online about me, and she said some pretty hurtful stuff. I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if she had talked to me first, but she told him how I always had to have my way and how upset I got when something didn't go like I planned. Then she went so far as to THANK HIM for being "so good" to me and "putting up" with me when I got like that. This whole thing bothers me because she was supposed to be MY friend, actually, one of my best friends, and she goes behind my back to talk about me with John. I don't think friends are supposed to do that. If she had come to me and told me how she felt, things would have been fine, but I don't understand why she felt the need to talk to John about it.
Anyway, the few times I've seen her this year she's been really avoidant and nonchalant around me, which is frustrating. I try to be nice because she still is a friend and I'm never intentionally mean to hardly anyone. BUT I found out she was talking about me behind my back AGAIN! Who does this????? Margaret was talking to her and told her about this party Amy and i are "hosting" (we got suckered into having a party here by two of our friends, not really looking forward to the mess) and she was like "whoa, Jen's going crazy." Excuse me?! And THEN she started talking to Margaret about how she hopes I at least go to care group (a churchy thing) this year because I "hardly ever went last year." What is that supposed to mean? So apparently she thinks I'm going to hell because I'm having a party at my house and I don't go to care group. Great. That's nice to know.
Beyond this whole talking behind my back business, I'm sick of Christians who try to categorize everyone. "Oh, she doesn't go to this or that, so she's really headed down the wrong path." I just don't understand why people feel the need to be so self-righteous. Why can't they let me tend to my own business?
Hypocrisy is actually one of the reasons I'm reluctant to call myself a Christian. No one knows this really, but since the beginning of the summer I've really struggled with what it means to be a Christian and if it's fair to actually call myself that. I've stopped going to church. I don't pray. I don't feel any sort of motivation for it. I know it's terrible, but I don't know what to do. I'm so conflicted. I don't even enjoy doing those things anymore and I know the point is to worship God and not for our own personal pleasure, but how can i bring myself to do it without being insincere? I guess I have a lot of searching ahead of me.
However, some stuff from last year still haunts me. The whole John issue aside, this girl who was my roommate last year is kind of getting on my nerves and I'm not sure I have a justified reason for it. Here's the problem:
Last year I found out (while kind of snooping on John's computer--I now realize i didn't trust him at all and he probably stopped trusting me at one specific point, but whatever), I found out that my roommate and him were talking online about me, and she said some pretty hurtful stuff. I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if she had talked to me first, but she told him how I always had to have my way and how upset I got when something didn't go like I planned. Then she went so far as to THANK HIM for being "so good" to me and "putting up" with me when I got like that. This whole thing bothers me because she was supposed to be MY friend, actually, one of my best friends, and she goes behind my back to talk about me with John. I don't think friends are supposed to do that. If she had come to me and told me how she felt, things would have been fine, but I don't understand why she felt the need to talk to John about it.
Anyway, the few times I've seen her this year she's been really avoidant and nonchalant around me, which is frustrating. I try to be nice because she still is a friend and I'm never intentionally mean to hardly anyone. BUT I found out she was talking about me behind my back AGAIN! Who does this????? Margaret was talking to her and told her about this party Amy and i are "hosting" (we got suckered into having a party here by two of our friends, not really looking forward to the mess) and she was like "whoa, Jen's going crazy." Excuse me?! And THEN she started talking to Margaret about how she hopes I at least go to care group (a churchy thing) this year because I "hardly ever went last year." What is that supposed to mean? So apparently she thinks I'm going to hell because I'm having a party at my house and I don't go to care group. Great. That's nice to know.
Beyond this whole talking behind my back business, I'm sick of Christians who try to categorize everyone. "Oh, she doesn't go to this or that, so she's really headed down the wrong path." I just don't understand why people feel the need to be so self-righteous. Why can't they let me tend to my own business?
Hypocrisy is actually one of the reasons I'm reluctant to call myself a Christian. No one knows this really, but since the beginning of the summer I've really struggled with what it means to be a Christian and if it's fair to actually call myself that. I've stopped going to church. I don't pray. I don't feel any sort of motivation for it. I know it's terrible, but I don't know what to do. I'm so conflicted. I don't even enjoy doing those things anymore and I know the point is to worship God and not for our own personal pleasure, but how can i bring myself to do it without being insincere? I guess I have a lot of searching ahead of me.