Anyone want to adopt me?
It's been a long time since something has urged me to post in here. This weekend is parent's weekend at Pepperdine, and John's parents and little brother flew in today. We just got back from having lunch in Santa Monica and walking around 3rd street. I went back to my dorm for John to have some alone time with his parents. Then that's when it hit me--the first time I've felt homesick since coming out here. I thought about it for a while, what it would be like to have my family out here. All of a sudden I realized it's not about missing my family because I'm far away, it's because I don't even feel like I have one. There's Alec, who's called my step-dad, but I don't think of him as a parent. There's my dad, but he can be unpredictable and is busy with work and his girlfriend. There's my mom, who I get along with some of the time, but she's not a typical mom I guess you could say. I just want a family to go home to, to come out and visit me. I want siblings to give me a hard time, I want a dog to take out for walks. Being around someone else's family makes me sad to know that I don't have one. I just want to get my education, get married, and have a huge family of my own. I want to plan Christmases, decorate the house, cook dinner (yes, cook!), and pick up the kids from school. But what about being a doctor? I can't do both. And I'm only 19. I don't want to be in a rush to have a family, but it's hard not to be when you're lacking one of your own.
This is going to be a tough weekend for me. I like John's parents and I'll have fun, but they're not my own. I'm sitting here, crying over the fact that I miss a family I don't even have. I wish I could just have a normal life. I wish my parents never got divorced, I wish my mom wanted more kids, and for crying out loud, I wish we had a dog! I want to feel like I'm part of something. I want to feel whole, like I have a place in the world where someone will always accept me. In too many ways, I feel like I had to grow up too fast. I am very mature for my age, and in some ways I wish I could be more carefree and irresponsible. Ever since 6th grade, I've been taught to be an adult--not by choice, but out of necessity. I wish I could erase my memory of my parents fighting when I was young, of my mom throwing coasters at my dad and asking when my dad was coming back. I was only four years old, but I remember my dad explaining to me what has happening, and what's sad is that I thought it was normal--ok, my parents are just tired of each other, nothing out of the ordinary. I grew up accepting this and never really questioned it. Only in the last few years I've felt like I've been missing a very important part of life--a mom and dad who love each other. I feel very alone and just want to be with someone who loves me.
This is going to be a tough weekend for me. I like John's parents and I'll have fun, but they're not my own. I'm sitting here, crying over the fact that I miss a family I don't even have. I wish I could just have a normal life. I wish my parents never got divorced, I wish my mom wanted more kids, and for crying out loud, I wish we had a dog! I want to feel like I'm part of something. I want to feel whole, like I have a place in the world where someone will always accept me. In too many ways, I feel like I had to grow up too fast. I am very mature for my age, and in some ways I wish I could be more carefree and irresponsible. Ever since 6th grade, I've been taught to be an adult--not by choice, but out of necessity. I wish I could erase my memory of my parents fighting when I was young, of my mom throwing coasters at my dad and asking when my dad was coming back. I was only four years old, but I remember my dad explaining to me what has happening, and what's sad is that I thought it was normal--ok, my parents are just tired of each other, nothing out of the ordinary. I grew up accepting this and never really questioned it. Only in the last few years I've felt like I've been missing a very important part of life--a mom and dad who love each other. I feel very alone and just want to be with someone who loves me.