How to Fight
An article i wrote for my journalism class awhile ago...seems appropriate
If you’re looking for a better way to settle a dispute, especially during the stressful holiday season, you’ve found it. In three simple steps, you can move from clashing to collaborating with almost anyone.
Before the blowout begins, you need to have a few items handy. You should have two notepads along with two pencils. You will also need some sort of timer. An egg timer, a stopwatch, or the microwave timer will all work fine.
When you suspect a fight is just around the corner, you need to begin preparing. This first step helps you get ready to argue responsibly. You need to choose an appropriate place to have the argument. At the supermarket, at work or during dinner are NOT good times to start an argument. Instead, choose a quiet, secluded space that you both feel comfortable in.
You also need to choose an appropriate time to have an argument. While many people begin the bashing immediately, it’s better to wait. Allow for some “cool off” time to keep tempers at bay. Find a time that works for both of you. Don’t argue right before an appointment or when you have other places to be.
Now you’re ready to get into the ring, but before you put those boxing gloves on,
try the next step. Take turns verbally expressing how you feel. Decide who is going to talk first and then set the timer for about three minutes. Those three minutes belong solely to the person talking. The other person isn’t allowed to interrupt. They can, however, takes notes on a notepad. When it is their turn to talk, they can refer to their notes on what was said.
This step is called the verbalization step for a reason. You have the chance to verbalize your thoughts. Remember, no one can read minds. If you don’t state how you’re feeling, the odds are the other person won’t know.
Notepads and timers are key ingredients to a successful argument. Notepads make a person think about what they are going to say before they say it because someone else will be writing it down. Taking notes will also reduce the likeliness of words being twisted.
A timer means that no one person is doing all of the talking. It forces both of you to verbalize how you feel and gives you ample time to gather your thoughts.
Try starting this verbalization step by finding common ground. The comment “we never agree on anything” will vanish! Once you figure out where you agree, move on to the disagreement.
It is also important to pay attention to nonverbal cues. Facial expressions, hand gestures and tone of voice may be saying something the person isn’t.
You may end up stuck at the second step for several sessions. That is fine and completely normal. It’s better to take your time and solve the problem than it is to give up. If you feel you’re about to lose control, stop the timer and excuse yourself for a few minutes. Take a deep breath, count down from ten and then return to the argument.
The third and final step happens on its own. A resolution occurs when both of you are satisfied with the outcome of a given situation. Sometimes, you have to agree to disagree. Remember, there doesn’t have to be a winner and a loser; strive for a win-win situation.
You need to remain assertive throughout this process. Assertiveness means being firm about your beliefs. You need to consider your feelings as well as the feelings of the person you are fighting with.
Choose your words carefully. When being assertive, avoid words that have a negative connotation attached to them. Often, they create feelings of anger and resentment.
Do not become aggressive. Being aggressive may help you get what you want, but at the expense of another’s thoughts and feelings. Work together and find a solution that is right for both of you.
No problem is too small to use this technique. Tensions tend to run high over the holidays, so give it a try. It just may be the reason your holidays remain happy.
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