I think I'm drunk...
and I like it.
[cut to save the people]I so rarely get drunk. Last time was on my birthday in December. Which was probably the first time in years. My brain is too something to tell you when.
I want it all to go away. The world and everyone in it. Except you guys. You guys are great. I'm so sick of everything else.
It's kind of pathetic that the only way I can relax is to get drunk or high. It's the only time I feel free. And kind of alive. Except everything is kind of wavy and spinny. Do they still prescribe Valium? I'm tired of being tense. Why should I have to be tense all the time?
I'm on my 5th beer (I think) and I'm considering having another. I can still type just fine so I must not be that drunk. I haven't really attempted walking, though.I know this is the kind of crap most people get out in their teens and early 20s but I was busy being a goody-two-shoes with severe social anxiety. And getting married and having kids (started when I was 23).
I'm so bored and alone. All my (online) friends live across the country from me it seems. Most of my family is in the Midwest so they're no company right now. Patrick's at work and just texted he won't be home until 1:30am. Part of me wonders if he's really at work and I hate that part of me. He's been super sweet the last month. Ever since I wrote him a letter about all the things that were bugging me. I've been nothing but a bitch. Lazy fucking worthless bitch. I don't do anything around here. I don't care any more.
I want to be happy. Normal--whatever that is.
Being drunk is more fun when you're not alone.
I'll probably be terribly embarrassed by this post in the morning. Er... later in the morning.
Just finished beer #5. Shock Top (brewed in St. Louis, MO) makes some damn good beer. I have their raspberry wheat and their Honeycrisp (that's a type of apple) wheat. Both are so yummy you don't even realize you are drinking beer. I've had 3 apples and 2 raspberry. I'm over my limit but I want another. Just to forget. Or feel something other than blah. Blah is an actual thing. Am I making sense because I don't know.
Do you know what it's like to have autism like qualities but not actually have autism? It means I have some of the same issues but no one gives a fuck about it. I'm rocking myself right now. Or at least I was until I stopped to right this. I rock a lot--it's the only way I can cope. Especially with noise. My kids think I'm crazy because their normal talking is too much for me and I overload. Not that anyone actually cares that my system starts to shut down when I'm bombarded with sounds. That's called audio processing disorder which many autistic people have. I've never been diagnosed but it's pretty obvious (to me) that I have it. The first time I read about it (in a Costco magazine) it was like a lightbulb going off. There was finally a name for one of the problems I was experiencing.
Does anyone remember how TVs would get when they'd lose their vertical hold? That's how my vision is now. If you don't know what I'm talking about you're probably too young. Yeah that was a big jump from one topic to another. Went to the bathroom in between. TMI!
If you got this far I commend you. You are a good friend.
I think I've decided to go to bed.
I hope no one thinks less of me now. I'm just being silly. Tomorrow is another day. And I'll get up and do it all again. The definition of crazy: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
We can all laugh now--that's the story of my life.
G'night.
[cut to save the people]I so rarely get drunk. Last time was on my birthday in December. Which was probably the first time in years. My brain is too something to tell you when.
I want it all to go away. The world and everyone in it. Except you guys. You guys are great. I'm so sick of everything else.
It's kind of pathetic that the only way I can relax is to get drunk or high. It's the only time I feel free. And kind of alive. Except everything is kind of wavy and spinny. Do they still prescribe Valium? I'm tired of being tense. Why should I have to be tense all the time?
I'm on my 5th beer (I think) and I'm considering having another. I can still type just fine so I must not be that drunk. I haven't really attempted walking, though.I know this is the kind of crap most people get out in their teens and early 20s but I was busy being a goody-two-shoes with severe social anxiety. And getting married and having kids (started when I was 23).
I'm so bored and alone. All my (online) friends live across the country from me it seems. Most of my family is in the Midwest so they're no company right now. Patrick's at work and just texted he won't be home until 1:30am. Part of me wonders if he's really at work and I hate that part of me. He's been super sweet the last month. Ever since I wrote him a letter about all the things that were bugging me. I've been nothing but a bitch. Lazy fucking worthless bitch. I don't do anything around here. I don't care any more.
I want to be happy. Normal--whatever that is.
Being drunk is more fun when you're not alone.
I'll probably be terribly embarrassed by this post in the morning. Er... later in the morning.
Just finished beer #5. Shock Top (brewed in St. Louis, MO) makes some damn good beer. I have their raspberry wheat and their Honeycrisp (that's a type of apple) wheat. Both are so yummy you don't even realize you are drinking beer. I've had 3 apples and 2 raspberry. I'm over my limit but I want another. Just to forget. Or feel something other than blah. Blah is an actual thing. Am I making sense because I don't know.
Do you know what it's like to have autism like qualities but not actually have autism? It means I have some of the same issues but no one gives a fuck about it. I'm rocking myself right now. Or at least I was until I stopped to right this. I rock a lot--it's the only way I can cope. Especially with noise. My kids think I'm crazy because their normal talking is too much for me and I overload. Not that anyone actually cares that my system starts to shut down when I'm bombarded with sounds. That's called audio processing disorder which many autistic people have. I've never been diagnosed but it's pretty obvious (to me) that I have it. The first time I read about it (in a Costco magazine) it was like a lightbulb going off. There was finally a name for one of the problems I was experiencing.
Does anyone remember how TVs would get when they'd lose their vertical hold? That's how my vision is now. If you don't know what I'm talking about you're probably too young. Yeah that was a big jump from one topic to another. Went to the bathroom in between. TMI!
If you got this far I commend you. You are a good friend.
I think I've decided to go to bed.
I hope no one thinks less of me now. I'm just being silly. Tomorrow is another day. And I'll get up and do it all again. The definition of crazy: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
We can all laugh now--that's the story of my life.
G'night.