My Thoughts: Uncensored
While the years seem to pass by so slowly on a day-to-day basis, looking back on each on one is nothing but a momentuous blur to me. As always, the good outweights the bad by massive proportions, but there are still significant events that stick out in my mind.
There are a few lessons that I've learned and a few observations I have made. Some good, some bad, but that's life.
[x] With the exception of my family, home doesn't feel like home anymore. I don't talk to anyone from high school anymore, and sometimes I question why this happened. Was it me? Something I did? Was it mutual? Or just a falling out? I know this happens in life all the time, and I saw it coming, but sometimes I see other people who are still best friends with a huge group of friends from home and I can't help but be jealous. My bedroom is empty at home. With the exception of a few out-of-season clothes that I keep in my closet, I have nothing there. My life is in Grand Rapids and I have everything with me. I am probably never living at home again and it makes me sad. Sad is actually an understatement. Believe it or not, I am trying REALLY hard not to cry right now. Probably because I'm at work. If I were home, I'd be crying for reals. I lied. I did cry a little bit here. Go me.
I looked at my resolutions for last year, half of which I sadly didn't even remember, and saw that I came up short, like always. Awesome. This year, I have been making a list of things I want to work on, not things I want to accomplish. You may wonder what the difference is, and I'll tell you. In my mind, people set themselves up for failure, saying "I want to do this by this day" and beat themselves up for not accomplishing it. I've decided that goals shouldn't have a set time frame. By this time next year, if I am even the slightest step towards where I want to be as a person, I will consdier myself successful in that regard. There is only one thing on my list that requires a time frame; I am afraid that if I don't set a realistic goal with this one, it won't happen. Unlike the rest of my goals, this is something I want to do, not something I need to do. And I will do it.
While I absolutely fear the coming year more than anyone can imagine or more than I let on, I also have a lot to look forward to. Starting Monday is my last semester of real classes before my life is consumed by teacher assisting and student teaching. While I am excited to finally do what I've been dreaming about for years, I am terrified. I am afraid of how much of a time commitment my schedule is going to demand. I am afraid of never getting to see those I am close to, including my roommates and those I've grown close to my 3½ years here. I am afraid, like anyone, that it isn't what I want to do. Once I start my teacher assisting in the fall, the reality that I am in my last year will really sink in. I'm not ready to leave college. Each year surprises me with wonderufl additions to my life and I fear that once I am done with Grand Valley, these gifts will be few and far between. I have made some of the best friends I could imagine here and the next year and a half is going to really be a test of who is in it for the long run with me. In a sense, I am afraid to find out. I love what I have now. I'm happy. I also miss people I've had a falling out with but I don't know what to do to fix those lines of communication. Instead, I tell myself that's how it's supposed to be and leave it at that, when I know anything is possibly if there is a will. I hate how I act sometimes, and constantly tell myself I need to change, but it is so hard to change behaviors and mindsets that have been a part of my life for the past 22 years. I just need to review my goals for the next year and work on them constantly. With baby steps, I know I can do anything I want to.
[One: Train for and run a Marathon]
This is something I got hooked on around September. I was on Facebook and I saw one of my friends from home was attending an event of a friend and it had something about running a marathon. 99% of the time, I don't really care what events people are attending on Facebook, but for some godforsaken reason, I clicked on the link to read more about it. I read the description and was instantly inspired. I sent the girl a message and she got right back to me. Since then, I've bought a really good book and I have the right mindset to do this. I am going to start running again and work myself up to being able to do this. I want to run it by this fall. This is the only one of my goals that I am putting a time frame on. I really want to have something under my belt that I can proudly say I cried, sweated, and accomplished. I just hope I have the support because this is going to be much harder than I can even fathom.
From here on out, these are just goals I want to push myself to work towards.
[Two: Stop apologizing]
I've always been one to say "I'm sorry" about everything: my fault, out of my control, nothing to do with me... you name it, I was sorry for it. Numerous people have pointed out to me that I apologize way too much and Lindsay pointed out to me that in the Janurary Cosmo, it has a spread about things to do in the new year. Well lo and behold, number 9 on the list is "Refuse to Say You're Sorry." I guess in my defense, I have always taken on the role/felt the need to be the fixer. This one is probably going to be quite the challenge for me, but like I said before, even if I've made half of a baby step in the right direction come 2008, I will be okay with that.
[Three: Get more organized]
I mean I'd say I'm a pretty organized person, but lately, I've noticed some things that really frustrate me about myself. I can't find my wallet with my student ID and two sets of keycards currently. I found an envelope with stuff in it that I thought I had taken care of. I start student teaching soon and I need to be on top of my game. I need to keep track of my stuff and keep track of everything. This shouldn't be too hard if I keep focused.
[Four: Take more time for me]
This is another one that is going to be a challenge for me. I'm a selfless person. I'd drop anything in a heartbeat if someone needs me. I tend to go with the crowd a lot and sometimes I need to take a stand and say no. Saying no is something I struggle with sometimes but I need to put myself first once in a while. Yes, other people's emotions are and always have been important to me, but I need to remember to cater to myself.
"When you spend your life worrying about how other people feel, you lose track of how you feel."
[Five: Take my heart off my sleeve and put it where it belongs]
Add this one to the hard goals I've set list. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I know it. I get upset when I know someone close to me is upset. Doing this makes me vulnerable and at high risk for rejection and pain. Or maybe this is something I need to do more. Maybe I need to experiecnce these things in order to learn a thing or two about life.
[Six: Tell people how I feel instead of making them guess or shrugging it off as nothing]
I do this a lot. A LOT I don't know why I do it. Actually, I do, but it's a lame reason. It's been years now and I need to get over it. I can't keep using the same excuse. Get over it self! I love getting to know people and I like when people really know me, especially since I went so long without letting people in. I'm over that now, but in a sense, I don't act like it and I hate it. I don't know why I am this way and I hate it. I wish I could just say how I feel all the time. Almost always I know what I want to say, but I hold back. Why though? I love having in depth and personal conversations more than anyone... the kind where you really learn a lot about a person, who they are, where they've been, what the believe in. But why do I hold back? Yes, I have always been the listener, but I want to be the talker now. Help me.
[Seven: Stop taking people/things for granted]
This is horrible, but I am admitting that I do it. I expect people and things to always be there, because in a sense, I see myself that way - always being there. I've learned though, sometimes the hard way, sometimes not, that this is not always the case. I use people and I know I do. I need to knock it off and embrace my friends for what they're worth. I don't know how much time I have with them, so I should count my blessings and live every day as if it were mine or their last.
[Eight: Learn to be okay with what I have]
I have everything I want and need and more to be happy, but I always find more and more than I want. I am one to get jealous very easily and if I see something I want it, I don't stop talking about it or thinking about it. Eventually I break down and buy it myself, if it's reasonable, or whine until someone else gets it for me. God, I am such a bitch. I have so much more than I could ever need to keep me happy, so why do I find more that I just have to have? I'm happy, I really am. I just need to remind myself of that sometimes.
[Nine: Finance responsibly]
I've never been a real "moneybags" or anything, but I am sick of not having any money. I am at the point right now that I am living paycheck to paycheck and I have income coming in from three places. I don't know where my money is. I don't think I spend that much but apparently I'm just kidding myself. I need to keep track of everything. My rent is friggin expensive and I need to start saving my money. I won't have time to work as much next year while I'm busy as hell with my student teaching, so where is this money going to come from? Super. I really need to get my act together. Seriously. This one isn't an option.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Since most of you know I am obsessed with PostSecret etc, I wanted to throw some postcards on here that I have saved and that I think pretty accurately reflect my thoughts and feelings.
My life/thoughts according to other people's postcards...
That's all I've got for now. Here's to a new year and a fresh beginning.
There are a few lessons that I've learned and a few observations I have made. Some good, some bad, but that's life.
[x] With the exception of my family, home doesn't feel like home anymore. I don't talk to anyone from high school anymore, and sometimes I question why this happened. Was it me? Something I did? Was it mutual? Or just a falling out? I know this happens in life all the time, and I saw it coming, but sometimes I see other people who are still best friends with a huge group of friends from home and I can't help but be jealous. My bedroom is empty at home. With the exception of a few out-of-season clothes that I keep in my closet, I have nothing there. My life is in Grand Rapids and I have everything with me. I am probably never living at home again and it makes me sad. Sad is actually an understatement. Believe it or not, I am trying REALLY hard not to cry right now. Probably because I'm at work. If I were home, I'd be crying for reals. I lied. I did cry a little bit here. Go me.
I looked at my resolutions for last year, half of which I sadly didn't even remember, and saw that I came up short, like always. Awesome. This year, I have been making a list of things I want to work on, not things I want to accomplish. You may wonder what the difference is, and I'll tell you. In my mind, people set themselves up for failure, saying "I want to do this by this day" and beat themselves up for not accomplishing it. I've decided that goals shouldn't have a set time frame. By this time next year, if I am even the slightest step towards where I want to be as a person, I will consdier myself successful in that regard. There is only one thing on my list that requires a time frame; I am afraid that if I don't set a realistic goal with this one, it won't happen. Unlike the rest of my goals, this is something I want to do, not something I need to do. And I will do it.
While I absolutely fear the coming year more than anyone can imagine or more than I let on, I also have a lot to look forward to. Starting Monday is my last semester of real classes before my life is consumed by teacher assisting and student teaching. While I am excited to finally do what I've been dreaming about for years, I am terrified. I am afraid of how much of a time commitment my schedule is going to demand. I am afraid of never getting to see those I am close to, including my roommates and those I've grown close to my 3½ years here. I am afraid, like anyone, that it isn't what I want to do. Once I start my teacher assisting in the fall, the reality that I am in my last year will really sink in. I'm not ready to leave college. Each year surprises me with wonderufl additions to my life and I fear that once I am done with Grand Valley, these gifts will be few and far between. I have made some of the best friends I could imagine here and the next year and a half is going to really be a test of who is in it for the long run with me. In a sense, I am afraid to find out. I love what I have now. I'm happy. I also miss people I've had a falling out with but I don't know what to do to fix those lines of communication. Instead, I tell myself that's how it's supposed to be and leave it at that, when I know anything is possibly if there is a will. I hate how I act sometimes, and constantly tell myself I need to change, but it is so hard to change behaviors and mindsets that have been a part of my life for the past 22 years. I just need to review my goals for the next year and work on them constantly. With baby steps, I know I can do anything I want to.
[One: Train for and run a Marathon]
This is something I got hooked on around September. I was on Facebook and I saw one of my friends from home was attending an event of a friend and it had something about running a marathon. 99% of the time, I don't really care what events people are attending on Facebook, but for some godforsaken reason, I clicked on the link to read more about it. I read the description and was instantly inspired. I sent the girl a message and she got right back to me. Since then, I've bought a really good book and I have the right mindset to do this. I am going to start running again and work myself up to being able to do this. I want to run it by this fall. This is the only one of my goals that I am putting a time frame on. I really want to have something under my belt that I can proudly say I cried, sweated, and accomplished. I just hope I have the support because this is going to be much harder than I can even fathom.
From here on out, these are just goals I want to push myself to work towards.
[Two: Stop apologizing]
I've always been one to say "I'm sorry" about everything: my fault, out of my control, nothing to do with me... you name it, I was sorry for it. Numerous people have pointed out to me that I apologize way too much and Lindsay pointed out to me that in the Janurary Cosmo, it has a spread about things to do in the new year. Well lo and behold, number 9 on the list is "Refuse to Say You're Sorry." I guess in my defense, I have always taken on the role/felt the need to be the fixer. This one is probably going to be quite the challenge for me, but like I said before, even if I've made half of a baby step in the right direction come 2008, I will be okay with that.
[Three: Get more organized]
I mean I'd say I'm a pretty organized person, but lately, I've noticed some things that really frustrate me about myself. I can't find my wallet with my student ID and two sets of keycards currently. I found an envelope with stuff in it that I thought I had taken care of. I start student teaching soon and I need to be on top of my game. I need to keep track of my stuff and keep track of everything. This shouldn't be too hard if I keep focused.
[Four: Take more time for me]
This is another one that is going to be a challenge for me. I'm a selfless person. I'd drop anything in a heartbeat if someone needs me. I tend to go with the crowd a lot and sometimes I need to take a stand and say no. Saying no is something I struggle with sometimes but I need to put myself first once in a while. Yes, other people's emotions are and always have been important to me, but I need to remember to cater to myself.
"When you spend your life worrying about how other people feel, you lose track of how you feel."
[Five: Take my heart off my sleeve and put it where it belongs]
Add this one to the hard goals I've set list. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I know it. I get upset when I know someone close to me is upset. Doing this makes me vulnerable and at high risk for rejection and pain. Or maybe this is something I need to do more. Maybe I need to experiecnce these things in order to learn a thing or two about life.
[Six: Tell people how I feel instead of making them guess or shrugging it off as nothing]
I do this a lot. A LOT I don't know why I do it. Actually, I do, but it's a lame reason. It's been years now and I need to get over it. I can't keep using the same excuse. Get over it self! I love getting to know people and I like when people really know me, especially since I went so long without letting people in. I'm over that now, but in a sense, I don't act like it and I hate it. I don't know why I am this way and I hate it. I wish I could just say how I feel all the time. Almost always I know what I want to say, but I hold back. Why though? I love having in depth and personal conversations more than anyone... the kind where you really learn a lot about a person, who they are, where they've been, what the believe in. But why do I hold back? Yes, I have always been the listener, but I want to be the talker now. Help me.
[Seven: Stop taking people/things for granted]
This is horrible, but I am admitting that I do it. I expect people and things to always be there, because in a sense, I see myself that way - always being there. I've learned though, sometimes the hard way, sometimes not, that this is not always the case. I use people and I know I do. I need to knock it off and embrace my friends for what they're worth. I don't know how much time I have with them, so I should count my blessings and live every day as if it were mine or their last.
[Eight: Learn to be okay with what I have]
I have everything I want and need and more to be happy, but I always find more and more than I want. I am one to get jealous very easily and if I see something I want it, I don't stop talking about it or thinking about it. Eventually I break down and buy it myself, if it's reasonable, or whine until someone else gets it for me. God, I am such a bitch. I have so much more than I could ever need to keep me happy, so why do I find more that I just have to have? I'm happy, I really am. I just need to remind myself of that sometimes.
[Nine: Finance responsibly]
I've never been a real "moneybags" or anything, but I am sick of not having any money. I am at the point right now that I am living paycheck to paycheck and I have income coming in from three places. I don't know where my money is. I don't think I spend that much but apparently I'm just kidding myself. I need to keep track of everything. My rent is friggin expensive and I need to start saving my money. I won't have time to work as much next year while I'm busy as hell with my student teaching, so where is this money going to come from? Super. I really need to get my act together. Seriously. This one isn't an option.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Since most of you know I am obsessed with PostSecret etc, I wanted to throw some postcards on here that I have saved and that I think pretty accurately reflect my thoughts and feelings.
My life/thoughts according to other people's postcards...
That's all I've got for now. Here's to a new year and a fresh beginning.