Fight Down the Butterflies 3/4
Title: Conscience Does Make Cowards of Us All
Author: jennianand93
Pairing: Jongyu
Rating: PG
Warning(s): uh... not as happy and adorable as the usual. Make of this warning what you will.
A/N: Okay, so idk how the drabble turned into a chaptered fic(?), but inspiration strikes me at the oddest times so i decided to continue writing this. And this one has an actual title rather than just calling it a continuation so yay! Please read and comment:) con-crit is always much appreciated:))
It was becoming too much of a habit. A very irritating habit. Key knew he shouldn't say anything. If the oldest two of SHINee wanted to act like childish brats then who was he to intrude on their business, right? But, dammit, if he had to wake up to Jonghyun singing Please Don't Go in his sleep like he was performing for the damn super bowl or some shit one more time he was sure he would strangle someone, or maybe two someones, especially those resembling cute bunnies and dinosaurs. He knew he shouldn't say anything about the nightly fights Jonghyun would have with his pillow and comforters every night as he tried to get to sleep because despite whatever Onew-hyung did to Jonghyun, the dino-boy was still a cocky bastard when it came to everyone else and he would probably go out of his way to destroy Key's beauty sleep if the resident diva were to complain about it. However, Key could not deny that he was worried for his friend. Key wasn't labeled the band's Umma for nothing; he knew his band mates and friends. If there was one thing Key was sure of about this situation, it was that Onew-hyung knew, and Jonghyun knew that Onew-hyung knew, and not only did the leader know that Jonghyun knew that he knew, but he also reciprocated the feelings, no matter how thick-headed Jjong was to realize it. But it wouldn't be the first time that Jonghyun would be the only one missing the crucial piece of the puzzle. And if Jonghyun's nightly spurts of fitful sleep were anything to go by, the boy still had no clue....nope, there was no way Key was getting involved in this
****
Jonghyun tossed and turned in his sleep, his hands alternating between clutching at the blanket like it was a life support to throwing it off himself in fits of rage and hurt induced by the nightly dreams, nightmares, that had become a painful recurrence for him. They were like out-of-body experiences, where he saw everything occurring, but could do nothing to stop it; could not even force himself to wake up even when he realized they were dreams. He was powerless to even close his eyes to prevent himself from seeing the things that ripped his heart out in every way possible. It was a new setting every night, but the dreams all ended the same way, with Jonghyun left alone to relive the feeling of his heart being shattered into a million indistinguishable pieces time and again. In this dream, he watched from up above as his dream self stood on the side of the road, staring at his love, as Jinki waited on the porch of some unfamiliar place, his beautiful smile like a tattoo on his face as he waited for the door to open. As it did, some woman, unseen by Jonghyun, opened the door and invited him in. Although Jonghyun could do nothing but watch, and hear even less, he heard three words perfectly, ringing like gunshots in his ear drums: I love you. Jinki always spoke these words to the woman. The emotions were so clear to Jonghyun that at times he had trouble convincing himself that they were figments of his sleep deprived mind. The worst part of these dreams was the song. That song that he had loved because he had sung it with Onew. What had seemed so beautiful to him then now seemed to be nothing more than a haunting reminder of his pain, as it mocked him every night, playing a deadly soundtrack to an unpreventable tragedy. The dream came to a sudden, welcoming end as he fell out of bed, drenched in sweat and trembling from head to toe, as tears rolled steadily down his cheeks.
"Wha... what's going on?" Key asked groggily, still too asleep to really put effort into caring. Jonghyun looked over at his friend and shook his head tentatively, urging him with his hand to go back to sleep before mumbling something incoherent and stumbling out of the room.
So much for not getting involved. I am sooo gonna regret this in the morning Key thought to himself as he shook the last tendrils of sleep away and followed after his roommate. When he got to the kitchen, he was greeted by a pathetic sight. Jonghyun had dark circles under his eyes, a reward from all the sleepless nights that only the makeup noona's magic could make disappear, and he was slumped over a cup of hot chocolate, looking for all the world like a zombie.
"Hyung... are you okay?" Key asked, suddenly uncertain and more than a little pained as he felt his heart break a little at Jonghyun. The latter just shook his head, too lost in his own thoughts to properly register the other boy.
"Jjong.. Jonghyun... Kim Jonghyun! Look at me!" That was it. Key was putting his foot down. Jonghyun looked up, startled rudely out of his thoughts, and fearfully glanced at Key. The other boy seemed to be fuming, ready to explode at any second.
"You listen to me because I will only say this once. You are a complete babo. Not only that, but you've got you're perfect match sleeping in the other room. I swear if I were to look up the definition of buffoon in the dictionary, there would be a picture of you and Jinki hyung next to it! Dammit, how long is it gonna take for you to realize that he loves you too. Listen Jjong, I know you're worried about something having to do with Onew-hyung and that's why you haven't been able to sleep. Please talk to me!" Key had wanted to end as sharply as he had started, but he could not stop his voice from slipping into a desperate tone at the very end.
Jonghyun stared, his mouth agape and looking... well, like a buffoon, as Key had so eloquently described him. Onew-hyung loved him. It wasn't possible. The only love Jinki felt for him was brotherly. Despite the fact that he played with Jonghyun a lot, maybe even teased him a little too much for Jonghyun to handle with his fragile heart, it was nothing but that: playing. Jinki did not have serious feelings for him, of that Jonghyun was certain. If anything, Jinki's sudden aversion of him for the last few days after he had so boldly planted a kiss on the leader's forehead (while he was sleeping of course) proved this to be more than true. If the teasing had been painful, the avoiding was like downright torture to Jonghyun's already abused heart, which, in his opinion, was doing a damn good job holding it's own considering the shit it had to deal with because of the nightmares.
'Hello, earth to Jonghyun! Anyone there?" Key snapped his fingers in front of Jonghyun's blank face, reverting back to his impatient nature. Jonghyun snapped back to reality and smiled, looking pained, at Key.
"He doesn't love me..." he realized his voice sounded really hoarse, and as Key leaned forward, trying to hear better, he repeated himself.
"He doesn't love me. I know." There, that was better. It hurt like hell, but at least he wasn't completely spineless, if that was any consolation to his aching heart (which it really wasn't).
"Like I said, you're an idiot. How do you-" Key was cut off by the glare Jonghyun shot him.Wow. "I just know, okay? You want to know what's been keeping me up all these nights? it's these stupid nightmares. I keep dreaming Jinki being happy and in love with some woman, hell, just someone else who isn't me. Every night it feels like a knife is stabbed into my heart and wrenched out every time I hear him tell her that he loves her. I can't do or say anything. All I can do is watch as he leaves me behind in the rain, alone. I want to tell him how I feel. In these dreams, I actually feel like I have the guts to do it. But I can't! He has left me behind so many times in these dreams, Kibum, that it's like he doesn't give a damn about me, because in the dreams, he knows I'm there, watching them. But he still picks her, every time, every single fucking time. Not to mention that stupid song keeps haunting me. And the worst part is that I feel guilty when I wake up. I'm horrible for wanting Jinki hyung to not be with anyone else even though I'm too much of a wimp in real life to tell him how I feel, even if he did feel the same. I'm such a shitty person for envying his happiness. Shouldn't I be happy that he's happy if I really love him? And he's been avoiding me anyway. I kissed him once, and only on his forehead, while he was sleeping, and now he can't even be in the same room with me anymore. And.. and... before he would tease me and it hurt, but now he won't even look me in the eye and it...it... hurts...so bad..." Jonghyun ended his tirade, his voice breaking as the emotions spilled over and he began to sob, his shoulders convulsing vioently, turning him into a blubbering mess.
Key stared helplessly, his eyes welling over as well. Jonghyun was in so much pain. He gathered the older boy in his arms and rubbed his back soothingly, comforting him with hushed words. "Jjong, it's just a dream. You have to give Onew hyung more credit than that. You know that he would never treat you so coldly. Even if he didn't feel the same way, it's not in his nature to hurt others. And you are not a bad person because you wish you could be selfish with the one you love. You cannot tear yourself apart because of these dreams. Please!" Jonghyun said nothing, drowning in his tears and drenching the other boy's top as Key rocked him back and forth, silenced by the aura of pain surrounding his friend.
*****
Jinki listened silently to the other boys' conversation, hidden safely behind the wall. he felt his own heart break at Jonghyun's words. He had never meant to alienate the boy. Sure he had gone to sleep confident that night after Jonghyun had kissed him, but he had woken up just as awkward as he had always been, and he had inadvertently taken to avoiding the other boy. And although he had notcied Jonghyun beginning to deteriorate, and the prominent dark circles, he had neglected to mention anything. He felt the pain course through him as he watched Jonghyun trying to contain his sobs. Jinki steadied himself. it was time he regained his confidence. He would put an end to all this soon.
Author: jennianand93
Pairing: Jongyu
Rating: PG
Warning(s): uh... not as happy and adorable as the usual. Make of this warning what you will.
A/N: Okay, so idk how the drabble turned into a chaptered fic(?), but inspiration strikes me at the oddest times so i decided to continue writing this. And this one has an actual title rather than just calling it a continuation so yay! Please read and comment:) con-crit is always much appreciated:))
It was becoming too much of a habit. A very irritating habit. Key knew he shouldn't say anything. If the oldest two of SHINee wanted to act like childish brats then who was he to intrude on their business, right? But, dammit, if he had to wake up to Jonghyun singing Please Don't Go in his sleep like he was performing for the damn super bowl or some shit one more time he was sure he would strangle someone, or maybe two someones, especially those resembling cute bunnies and dinosaurs. He knew he shouldn't say anything about the nightly fights Jonghyun would have with his pillow and comforters every night as he tried to get to sleep because despite whatever Onew-hyung did to Jonghyun, the dino-boy was still a cocky bastard when it came to everyone else and he would probably go out of his way to destroy Key's beauty sleep if the resident diva were to complain about it. However, Key could not deny that he was worried for his friend. Key wasn't labeled the band's Umma for nothing; he knew his band mates and friends. If there was one thing Key was sure of about this situation, it was that Onew-hyung knew, and Jonghyun knew that Onew-hyung knew, and not only did the leader know that Jonghyun knew that he knew, but he also reciprocated the feelings, no matter how thick-headed Jjong was to realize it. But it wouldn't be the first time that Jonghyun would be the only one missing the crucial piece of the puzzle. And if Jonghyun's nightly spurts of fitful sleep were anything to go by, the boy still had no clue....nope, there was no way Key was getting involved in this
****
Jonghyun tossed and turned in his sleep, his hands alternating between clutching at the blanket like it was a life support to throwing it off himself in fits of rage and hurt induced by the nightly dreams, nightmares, that had become a painful recurrence for him. They were like out-of-body experiences, where he saw everything occurring, but could do nothing to stop it; could not even force himself to wake up even when he realized they were dreams. He was powerless to even close his eyes to prevent himself from seeing the things that ripped his heart out in every way possible. It was a new setting every night, but the dreams all ended the same way, with Jonghyun left alone to relive the feeling of his heart being shattered into a million indistinguishable pieces time and again. In this dream, he watched from up above as his dream self stood on the side of the road, staring at his love, as Jinki waited on the porch of some unfamiliar place, his beautiful smile like a tattoo on his face as he waited for the door to open. As it did, some woman, unseen by Jonghyun, opened the door and invited him in. Although Jonghyun could do nothing but watch, and hear even less, he heard three words perfectly, ringing like gunshots in his ear drums: I love you. Jinki always spoke these words to the woman. The emotions were so clear to Jonghyun that at times he had trouble convincing himself that they were figments of his sleep deprived mind. The worst part of these dreams was the song. That song that he had loved because he had sung it with Onew. What had seemed so beautiful to him then now seemed to be nothing more than a haunting reminder of his pain, as it mocked him every night, playing a deadly soundtrack to an unpreventable tragedy. The dream came to a sudden, welcoming end as he fell out of bed, drenched in sweat and trembling from head to toe, as tears rolled steadily down his cheeks.
"Wha... what's going on?" Key asked groggily, still too asleep to really put effort into caring. Jonghyun looked over at his friend and shook his head tentatively, urging him with his hand to go back to sleep before mumbling something incoherent and stumbling out of the room.
So much for not getting involved. I am sooo gonna regret this in the morning Key thought to himself as he shook the last tendrils of sleep away and followed after his roommate. When he got to the kitchen, he was greeted by a pathetic sight. Jonghyun had dark circles under his eyes, a reward from all the sleepless nights that only the makeup noona's magic could make disappear, and he was slumped over a cup of hot chocolate, looking for all the world like a zombie.
"Hyung... are you okay?" Key asked, suddenly uncertain and more than a little pained as he felt his heart break a little at Jonghyun. The latter just shook his head, too lost in his own thoughts to properly register the other boy.
"Jjong.. Jonghyun... Kim Jonghyun! Look at me!" That was it. Key was putting his foot down. Jonghyun looked up, startled rudely out of his thoughts, and fearfully glanced at Key. The other boy seemed to be fuming, ready to explode at any second.
"You listen to me because I will only say this once. You are a complete babo. Not only that, but you've got you're perfect match sleeping in the other room. I swear if I were to look up the definition of buffoon in the dictionary, there would be a picture of you and Jinki hyung next to it! Dammit, how long is it gonna take for you to realize that he loves you too. Listen Jjong, I know you're worried about something having to do with Onew-hyung and that's why you haven't been able to sleep. Please talk to me!" Key had wanted to end as sharply as he had started, but he could not stop his voice from slipping into a desperate tone at the very end.
Jonghyun stared, his mouth agape and looking... well, like a buffoon, as Key had so eloquently described him. Onew-hyung loved him. It wasn't possible. The only love Jinki felt for him was brotherly. Despite the fact that he played with Jonghyun a lot, maybe even teased him a little too much for Jonghyun to handle with his fragile heart, it was nothing but that: playing. Jinki did not have serious feelings for him, of that Jonghyun was certain. If anything, Jinki's sudden aversion of him for the last few days after he had so boldly planted a kiss on the leader's forehead (while he was sleeping of course) proved this to be more than true. If the teasing had been painful, the avoiding was like downright torture to Jonghyun's already abused heart, which, in his opinion, was doing a damn good job holding it's own considering the shit it had to deal with because of the nightmares.
'Hello, earth to Jonghyun! Anyone there?" Key snapped his fingers in front of Jonghyun's blank face, reverting back to his impatient nature. Jonghyun snapped back to reality and smiled, looking pained, at Key.
"He doesn't love me..." he realized his voice sounded really hoarse, and as Key leaned forward, trying to hear better, he repeated himself.
"He doesn't love me. I know." There, that was better. It hurt like hell, but at least he wasn't completely spineless, if that was any consolation to his aching heart (which it really wasn't).
"Like I said, you're an idiot. How do you-" Key was cut off by the glare Jonghyun shot him.Wow. "I just know, okay? You want to know what's been keeping me up all these nights? it's these stupid nightmares. I keep dreaming Jinki being happy and in love with some woman, hell, just someone else who isn't me. Every night it feels like a knife is stabbed into my heart and wrenched out every time I hear him tell her that he loves her. I can't do or say anything. All I can do is watch as he leaves me behind in the rain, alone. I want to tell him how I feel. In these dreams, I actually feel like I have the guts to do it. But I can't! He has left me behind so many times in these dreams, Kibum, that it's like he doesn't give a damn about me, because in the dreams, he knows I'm there, watching them. But he still picks her, every time, every single fucking time. Not to mention that stupid song keeps haunting me. And the worst part is that I feel guilty when I wake up. I'm horrible for wanting Jinki hyung to not be with anyone else even though I'm too much of a wimp in real life to tell him how I feel, even if he did feel the same. I'm such a shitty person for envying his happiness. Shouldn't I be happy that he's happy if I really love him? And he's been avoiding me anyway. I kissed him once, and only on his forehead, while he was sleeping, and now he can't even be in the same room with me anymore. And.. and... before he would tease me and it hurt, but now he won't even look me in the eye and it...it... hurts...so bad..." Jonghyun ended his tirade, his voice breaking as the emotions spilled over and he began to sob, his shoulders convulsing vioently, turning him into a blubbering mess.
Key stared helplessly, his eyes welling over as well. Jonghyun was in so much pain. He gathered the older boy in his arms and rubbed his back soothingly, comforting him with hushed words. "Jjong, it's just a dream. You have to give Onew hyung more credit than that. You know that he would never treat you so coldly. Even if he didn't feel the same way, it's not in his nature to hurt others. And you are not a bad person because you wish you could be selfish with the one you love. You cannot tear yourself apart because of these dreams. Please!" Jonghyun said nothing, drowning in his tears and drenching the other boy's top as Key rocked him back and forth, silenced by the aura of pain surrounding his friend.
*****
Jinki listened silently to the other boys' conversation, hidden safely behind the wall. he felt his own heart break at Jonghyun's words. He had never meant to alienate the boy. Sure he had gone to sleep confident that night after Jonghyun had kissed him, but he had woken up just as awkward as he had always been, and he had inadvertently taken to avoiding the other boy. And although he had notcied Jonghyun beginning to deteriorate, and the prominent dark circles, he had neglected to mention anything. He felt the pain course through him as he watched Jonghyun trying to contain his sobs. Jinki steadied himself. it was time he regained his confidence. He would put an end to all this soon.