fireflies illuminate your eyes
windy and rainy. just the way i like it. gorgeous.
Four days since i've seen the irishman now, but no tears. tomorrow i shall see again. for now i am bored. terribly so. the time has flown so much, so very very much. how strange it will be when i return home again. sad but not. sad to leave the irishman in particular. curious. i wonder how he is liking tool. guess i'll find out tomorrow. this is good, but it also means that there is more drama course next week. eep. this means that there is only one week of drama left (yes!) but also that there is only one more week of irish (boo). oh well, i can survive it if hes there at the end. at least i don't have to pretend to be a model. they all think that i'm evil, bah what else is new. i like it like that, when they know their place. and mine. they're all such...such...girls. such prissy girls. all make-up and clothes and short attention spans. not to mention giggles.
i can't imagine back home at the moment. dad tells me that we had our first lambs yesterday. twins, one didn't make it. i forget its winter over there, its insane. i can't wait to return but scarily, i also know that i don't want to. i can't say this though! i have to go home! i have to see all my friends and my family but i just can't be bothered with going back to the suppressed environment of school. i don't want to be back where everybody knows me and knows my secrets and my ambitions and my past. its great to be placed in a situation where you know NO-BODY, for you can't cling to anyone. everyone wants to know about you, and so you learn how to explain yourself. you learn things about yourself that you never even knew! i like it that way. i've learnt so much from me this month, and so very much from other people. from the ways that they act. i've always noticed the ways that others present themselves, the way they conduct conversations or wait in cues or whatever- but now it seems different. people are different. they treat me as something almost elusive. i'm a stranger, but never a stranger for very long. its funny, when you are stuck in a siutation like this- you remember faces that are only glimpsed and sort of...attach to them. attach to the person behind the face. its an extreme learning experience and i love it. i love the people i've met here. hell, i even appreciate the ones met in the drama course even if they are all performers and rather shallow to say the least. but damnit, i'm so afraid about returning home. i guess some would link this to the london bombings etc? i'm going there next week too. but that really doesn't bother me. i pity the people involved but right now, that isn't my problem. just like verrucas aren't my problem. my problem is that i don't want to leave this new life. i don't want to go back to that past. i want to stay here and live and learn as i'm doing at the moment. but i don't want to abandon the friends and family back home.
how can i do it. how can i leave. how can i leave this city- how can i leave him. I'm so pathetic, so useless, but i can't help it. i can't stop it. i can't stop anything. i wish i could take this city home with me. i wish i could take him home with me. wishing is so shallow though and will come to nothing. all i can do is live for now, as i do everyday. its a good tried and tested theory. but as much as i try to think like this- there is always that nudge in my mind that attaches itself to every odd thought in there. i'm afraid. and i don't kow what to do about it.
Four days since i've seen the irishman now, but no tears. tomorrow i shall see again. for now i am bored. terribly so. the time has flown so much, so very very much. how strange it will be when i return home again. sad but not. sad to leave the irishman in particular. curious. i wonder how he is liking tool. guess i'll find out tomorrow. this is good, but it also means that there is more drama course next week. eep. this means that there is only one week of drama left (yes!) but also that there is only one more week of irish (boo). oh well, i can survive it if hes there at the end. at least i don't have to pretend to be a model. they all think that i'm evil, bah what else is new. i like it like that, when they know their place. and mine. they're all such...such...girls. such prissy girls. all make-up and clothes and short attention spans. not to mention giggles.
i can't imagine back home at the moment. dad tells me that we had our first lambs yesterday. twins, one didn't make it. i forget its winter over there, its insane. i can't wait to return but scarily, i also know that i don't want to. i can't say this though! i have to go home! i have to see all my friends and my family but i just can't be bothered with going back to the suppressed environment of school. i don't want to be back where everybody knows me and knows my secrets and my ambitions and my past. its great to be placed in a situation where you know NO-BODY, for you can't cling to anyone. everyone wants to know about you, and so you learn how to explain yourself. you learn things about yourself that you never even knew! i like it that way. i've learnt so much from me this month, and so very much from other people. from the ways that they act. i've always noticed the ways that others present themselves, the way they conduct conversations or wait in cues or whatever- but now it seems different. people are different. they treat me as something almost elusive. i'm a stranger, but never a stranger for very long. its funny, when you are stuck in a siutation like this- you remember faces that are only glimpsed and sort of...attach to them. attach to the person behind the face. its an extreme learning experience and i love it. i love the people i've met here. hell, i even appreciate the ones met in the drama course even if they are all performers and rather shallow to say the least. but damnit, i'm so afraid about returning home. i guess some would link this to the london bombings etc? i'm going there next week too. but that really doesn't bother me. i pity the people involved but right now, that isn't my problem. just like verrucas aren't my problem. my problem is that i don't want to leave this new life. i don't want to go back to that past. i want to stay here and live and learn as i'm doing at the moment. but i don't want to abandon the friends and family back home.
how can i do it. how can i leave. how can i leave this city- how can i leave him. I'm so pathetic, so useless, but i can't help it. i can't stop it. i can't stop anything. i wish i could take this city home with me. i wish i could take him home with me. wishing is so shallow though and will come to nothing. all i can do is live for now, as i do everyday. its a good tried and tested theory. but as much as i try to think like this- there is always that nudge in my mind that attaches itself to every odd thought in there. i'm afraid. and i don't kow what to do about it.