Shame & Dichotomy
:::trans: combination form meaning across, beyond, through:::
I feel tremendous guilt over my desire to transition.
Recently, I’ve been researching transgender identities as a political/social movement in retort to the customary social/medical construction of gender/sex. The constant nagging issue within me lately has been, “Why do I feel the NEED for a socially identifiable male body if I don’t believe bodies should determine our gender expression? Am I buying into the either/or, male/female, man/woman and so forth social construct? If I transition am I in someway invalidating the identities of other gender variant people historically? Am I invalidating my own genderqueer spirit?”
One study I read (http://www.symposion.com/ijt/ijtc0102.htm) pointed out the background similarities in a study group of ungendered/transgender/FTM…I could go on with identity boxes… females who encompass gender questioning/gender meaning exploration:
“In this context, gender polarity refers to individual perception regarding the degree of true, unalterable difference between women and men, or between boys and girls.
Are the sexes perceived as being fundamentally different? Or are they regarded as more similar than dissimilar, with a range of behaviors being possible, and in fact desirable, for each unique individual? Gender role conformity is defined as the degree to which the individual desires or attempts to fulfill the expectations of his or her birth-assigned gender. Adolescent and young adult sexual attractions, as well as their perceived acceptability or unacceptability, also probably influence the individual's sexuality/ gender schema.
Individual A self-identifies as a male with femaleness. He reports having formed sexual relationships exclusively with women, beginning in late adolescence. His family of origin was socially and religiously conservative, strongly heterocentric and homonegative, and very much oriented toward social compliance and "fitting in." This person's knowledge that "she" was not in fact a Lesbian but a male was greatly comforting. His pronounced perception of gender polarization and gender role separation also facilitated the decision to solidify the male identity and undergo sex reassignment surgery, which has resulted in much improved adjustment and life satisfaction.
Individual B self-identifies as a female with maleness. By her description, her sexual partners were initially "weak men," followed by involvements exclusively with women beginning in the early 20s. Her family of origin was paternalistic with an authoritarian father, leading to a rejection of the "wife role" by the maturing daughter. Concurrently, however, her father expressed an individualistic, "anti-establishment" philosophy, including Plainist religious leanings, which promoted self-actualization as a worthy life goal and left sexuality issues less rigidly defined. This person's minimal
gender polarity and gender role flexibility have enabled her to accommodate her fully-gendered self within the Lesbian community.
Individual C self-identifies as gender-blended with female predominating, or possibly as more fully bi-gendered. Sexual partners have been gentle, feminine men. Her/his family of origin was politically and religiously conservative, with overt goals of attaining moral "righteousness" and worldly achievement. Family size was large, containing both biological and adopted children. Heterosexuality was strongly encouraged and homosexual feelings, thoughts, and actions strictly forbidden. Gender polarization was substantial, yet messages with regard to gender role differentiation were mixed and inconsistent, due to the emphasis on academic, athletic and religious achievement during childhood and adolescence. This person experienced considerable confusion regarding gender during childhood, but was able to establish an adult personal identity as genderblended, with a long-term relationship with a man who also has many gender-opposite personality characteristics. Although sometimes mistaken for a man on casual observation, she remains legally a heterosexual, and in fact married, woman.”
After reading this study (even though I consider it to be a very select view of the trans community) I broke down my “traits”. I’m from a slightly liberal family, extremely conservative town. Sexuality was neither negative nor positive since it wasn’t talked about in either context. It was just a reality: people have sex, it’s normal, be safe. Personal view of the construct of woman and man growing up were almost always negative towards affirmations of western stereotypes (e.g.: peppy cheerleader girls, aggressive football boys) and positive towards artistic or gender bending/blending slants (e.g.: strong female figures or natural earthy figures/tomboys/punks or effeminate/shy/sensitive men). My sexuality is omni sexual; a desire for slightly dominant and masculine (as in man/boi/butch/trans) identified individuals. I felt gender confusion during pre-school (when socialization mainly started) all the way towards the beginning years of college. The following showed a definite knowledge of society-based gender constriction and a rejection of it which could be caused by a conservative environment clashing with a liberal upbringing and natural personality traits.
Regardless of what the force is behind this desire, the body/social issue seems to be the strongest factor in my arrested development. Unless I can find some way to feel comfortable in my physical self publicly (viewed by the public in a manner that confirms my self-image) the introverted, reality avoiding me will always prevail. I can’t remove gender from the equation of myself (e.g.: self without gender definition…which some seem to believe to be the true enlightenment of pure spirit). Even if gender is only a social construct & I am a product of my environment it still does not change that my self image is that of a (to narrow it down) gay man. But, I still need to know WHY.
Optimistically though, maybe therapy in January will facilitate enlightenment of this conundrum.
I feel tremendous guilt over my desire to transition.
Recently, I’ve been researching transgender identities as a political/social movement in retort to the customary social/medical construction of gender/sex. The constant nagging issue within me lately has been, “Why do I feel the NEED for a socially identifiable male body if I don’t believe bodies should determine our gender expression? Am I buying into the either/or, male/female, man/woman and so forth social construct? If I transition am I in someway invalidating the identities of other gender variant people historically? Am I invalidating my own genderqueer spirit?”
One study I read (http://www.symposion.com/ijt/ijtc0102.htm) pointed out the background similarities in a study group of ungendered/transgender/FTM…I could go on with identity boxes… females who encompass gender questioning/gender meaning exploration:
“In this context, gender polarity refers to individual perception regarding the degree of true, unalterable difference between women and men, or between boys and girls.
Are the sexes perceived as being fundamentally different? Or are they regarded as more similar than dissimilar, with a range of behaviors being possible, and in fact desirable, for each unique individual? Gender role conformity is defined as the degree to which the individual desires or attempts to fulfill the expectations of his or her birth-assigned gender. Adolescent and young adult sexual attractions, as well as their perceived acceptability or unacceptability, also probably influence the individual's sexuality/ gender schema.
Individual A self-identifies as a male with femaleness. He reports having formed sexual relationships exclusively with women, beginning in late adolescence. His family of origin was socially and religiously conservative, strongly heterocentric and homonegative, and very much oriented toward social compliance and "fitting in." This person's knowledge that "she" was not in fact a Lesbian but a male was greatly comforting. His pronounced perception of gender polarization and gender role separation also facilitated the decision to solidify the male identity and undergo sex reassignment surgery, which has resulted in much improved adjustment and life satisfaction.
Individual B self-identifies as a female with maleness. By her description, her sexual partners were initially "weak men," followed by involvements exclusively with women beginning in the early 20s. Her family of origin was paternalistic with an authoritarian father, leading to a rejection of the "wife role" by the maturing daughter. Concurrently, however, her father expressed an individualistic, "anti-establishment" philosophy, including Plainist religious leanings, which promoted self-actualization as a worthy life goal and left sexuality issues less rigidly defined. This person's minimal
gender polarity and gender role flexibility have enabled her to accommodate her fully-gendered self within the Lesbian community.
Individual C self-identifies as gender-blended with female predominating, or possibly as more fully bi-gendered. Sexual partners have been gentle, feminine men. Her/his family of origin was politically and religiously conservative, with overt goals of attaining moral "righteousness" and worldly achievement. Family size was large, containing both biological and adopted children. Heterosexuality was strongly encouraged and homosexual feelings, thoughts, and actions strictly forbidden. Gender polarization was substantial, yet messages with regard to gender role differentiation were mixed and inconsistent, due to the emphasis on academic, athletic and religious achievement during childhood and adolescence. This person experienced considerable confusion regarding gender during childhood, but was able to establish an adult personal identity as genderblended, with a long-term relationship with a man who also has many gender-opposite personality characteristics. Although sometimes mistaken for a man on casual observation, she remains legally a heterosexual, and in fact married, woman.”
After reading this study (even though I consider it to be a very select view of the trans community) I broke down my “traits”. I’m from a slightly liberal family, extremely conservative town. Sexuality was neither negative nor positive since it wasn’t talked about in either context. It was just a reality: people have sex, it’s normal, be safe. Personal view of the construct of woman and man growing up were almost always negative towards affirmations of western stereotypes (e.g.: peppy cheerleader girls, aggressive football boys) and positive towards artistic or gender bending/blending slants (e.g.: strong female figures or natural earthy figures/tomboys/punks or effeminate/shy/sensitive men). My sexuality is omni sexual; a desire for slightly dominant and masculine (as in man/boi/butch/trans) identified individuals. I felt gender confusion during pre-school (when socialization mainly started) all the way towards the beginning years of college. The following showed a definite knowledge of society-based gender constriction and a rejection of it which could be caused by a conservative environment clashing with a liberal upbringing and natural personality traits.
Regardless of what the force is behind this desire, the body/social issue seems to be the strongest factor in my arrested development. Unless I can find some way to feel comfortable in my physical self publicly (viewed by the public in a manner that confirms my self-image) the introverted, reality avoiding me will always prevail. I can’t remove gender from the equation of myself (e.g.: self without gender definition…which some seem to believe to be the true enlightenment of pure spirit). Even if gender is only a social construct & I am a product of my environment it still does not change that my self image is that of a (to narrow it down) gay man. But, I still need to know WHY.
Optimistically though, maybe therapy in January will facilitate enlightenment of this conundrum.