when you least expect it...

[jennalise]

you know when you leave town for like a day and you think everything is just fine in your life and nothing could go wrong then you come home to find that the man that wanted to marry you and spend his life with you suddenly isn't ready for commitment so your patient and you tell them that it's okay and you don't have to get married just yet and then he tells you that he met a girl and got a drink with her says he was kind of interested but she's 20 and she's 6 months pregnant. and then i was thinking like okay fine whatever suits you and he said he still wanted to date me and i was okay with that. and then i find out from my brother that they had a bonfire and got drunk together and not only that, this guy bought beer for my 19 year old cousin too... so i call and ask him the last time he drank and he said a few days ago and then i said with my brother and you bought alcohol for my cousin? and he's like no i didn't by anyone alcohol they already had it then he admits he lied to me about it because he didn't want me to get mad at him. then he says he wants nothing more than friendship from me...and i was like we've been dating for 2 months and we never fight or argue and you just want to be friends when you'll go out with a girl who treats you like dirt for a long time and call me crying because she hurt you so badly i just don't understand. he said that's just it jennifer you've known me for a long time and you still don't understand me you never will. and i said don't give me that, that is a lie because you have told me i know you better than anyone else you are just scared and he said alright i admit it you know me better than even my own family does and it scares me to death. so i asked if he was going to let his fear push me away, i told him to reconsider letting me go and by the end of the conversation he had... we kissed just once after that, it felt like this wall was between us and nothing felt right so i called him saturday evening and told him i just want to be friends and i have'nt really talked to him since. i figure it's not my fault that he's chosen to be this way and i'm not going to live my life pushing away what i fear. i just want to have time to be me and pick up my mental thoughts and reorganize my life, which means spending some time incognito... and some good friend support --jenn

ps i wrote this last night on how i feel:

IGNORANCE

SO FUNNY HOW WE CHOOSE TO IGNORE,
WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO SETTLE THE SCORE?
YOU COULD BLAME ME, I COULD BLAME YOU,
DO WE REALLY HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO?
WE CAN PRETEND WE HAVE NO PAIN TO HIDE,
BUT YOU AND I KNOW IT'S THERE INSIDE.
SO YOUR SILENT TO PROVE YOU DON'T LIKE ME AS MORE THAN A FRIEND,
AND I TRY TO PROVE I DON'T NEED YOU TO BE HAPPY.
I'M SORRY IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY,
I WON'T BE THE FIRST ON TO ASK IF YOU'RE OKAY.

--JENN 5-23-06