Jenna McKay's 2011 Arbitrary Lists of No Consequence to Anyone Else But Probably Sam
Reasons I Have Been Especially Grateful for Sam (in no particular order):
1) You tell me "it's okay" when I feel myself starting to ping-pong around in my own head
2) The way you smell like home
3) The way your chest hairs tickle my face when I lie in the crook of your arm
4) The feeling of pure joy that takes over my entire body when I make you laugh so you show your teeth and your eyes light up and crinkle in the corners
5) Having someone with whom I can share all my crazy at any given time, and knowing without words that you understand what I'm saying as only a part of me; it isn't my sole identity, and I am more than crazy (though plenty of it)
a) Having someone who gets upset when I don't share it.
6) You appreciate adorable, beautiful, cute, sweet, elegant, awe-some but quotidien, nuanced things. You allow yourself to become invested in things that are "girly," and in things that are all at once unmemorable tiny and unfathomably huge, and often match my excitement and wonder at them. I don't know if you understand how it feels to have someone who doesn't share in your excitement about the world, so that you can understand why it means so much to me or why it's even something that I mention, but I know that I won't take it for granted in you
Ways I've Changed so that I Feel Like Myself Again:
1) More able to not get automatically upset/defensive/take things personally or too deeply, more quickly able to see things from another perspective and prioritize that instead of my own aforementioned reactions
2) Feeling better and more in control of my eating habits, against all odds. Letting myself be really proud of that even when I start feeling old habits creep, and hardly getting flustered at all when I don't have an exact idea of what/when I eat.
3) Getting better about not dwelling on things I can't control, as well as not exacerbating tenuous situations where I feel like there's nothing I can to do make things better
4) My days are largely more structured and I feel more productive
5) Beginning to feel like a more competent conversationalist instead of getting everything too tangled in my head to translate to words and then getting flustered over never having anything interesting to say
6) Genuinely being okay with a lot of things that at other times I would have gotten distracted by, preventing progress for the sake of propriety
a) Not becoming offended by the lack of said propriety so that it still continues to distract me
7) After a year of being less and less good at letting things go - getting good at letting things go again.
Things I want to Improve On Not Just In 2012 But Now and Forever:
1) My automatic but overly-constricting pattern of thinking about eating
2) How do I stop crying at what seems to me to be the smallest provocation? I have no idea why this started and no idea how to control it
3) Stop being so goddamned hard on myself. Not only because I should stop being so goddamned hard on myself, but also because it makes me self-centered and excessively moody at times when I would have normally been able to bounce right back, at the expense sometimes of prioritizing other people's feelings. Lately I can't control a lot of things I feel. That's how it is; remaining mad at myself won't change it.
4) Try to be able to remember things better. I hate having to ask what was just said, or losing my words right in the middle of a sentence. It's my ADD, I know, but there has to be something I can do about it
5) Make more time to actively make myself happy. I miss the gym, and I miss driving places just to walk around, and I miss my family and my dogs. I've been noticing recently how I don't do much for me, which is remarkable considering how stuck in my own head I've been. I've been thinking about myself and thinking about thinking &c., but not actually doing anything, which is frustrating on many levels
6(separate, but related) Find a psychiatrist. I should be back on medication, no question. I don't know where to start and the thought is overwhelming and tiring, but I just need to do it.
Non-Sam Things I Was Grateful for This Year:
1) Sunrises, sunsets, moon views, sky spectacles - we had the most gorgeous skies this year.
2) Deal sites - my god they were helpful in gift-giving and brainstorming sessions thereof. Also I saved a lot of money buying clothes and body care for myself, and dinners out. The potential is amazing. I hope someday I can use them specifically for my dream cross-country trip.
3) Tea
4) Getting a job, not paying rent. Makes buying food a whole lot easier, now that my student loans have come out of forbearance. Now I can actually have a savings account again, and start to build up credit.
5) My mom, always someone I can go to when I have an adult problem, or when I feel like I'll have a panic attack if I don't calm myself down. This year has been hell for her, but she is still incredibly strong.
6) Great music. This was a good year for it. Okay, so this one is pretty closely related to Sam.
a) ACL and Solid Sound.
Stuff I Discovered:
1) Makeup - it doesn't have to feel like gobs of evil on my face! Thanks, Sephora!
2) My waist. Hooray, curves =D
3) A way to make my feet not smell
4) When picking films to watch, I almost never automatically go for drama/action/horror/suspense flicks, no matter how great they look. Romance/comedy are my default choices; I have to force myself to choose otherwise.
5) Great TV: Community, Dexter, The Wire, American Horror Story, Game of Thrones, Shameless.... I'm probably missing some.
6) I am very attuned to my body and mind, for better or worse
7) God I love sex. Because of Sam, if that wasn't clear.
8) Despite the fact that this year was very rough for me, emotionally, I look back and see a happier, freer me than before two years ago. I've had to be okay with feeling batshit insane, which has been and is the most difficult of all. It comes down to how hard it is to accept that someone (including myself) can love the me that includes all of this. But it's also unfair not to. I still don't - not completely - but I've been better.
9) This year was sad and difficult for myriad reasons. I'm optimistic to a fault, but/and I'm happier by the day.
Misc:
1) I am ridiculous. I will always be too much of everything. Bipolar II Disorder is a big part of my identity. I have someone a family - bloodline and chosen - full of people who love me for it. This year was certainly not lost.
2) Sam. Always, you.
1) You tell me "it's okay" when I feel myself starting to ping-pong around in my own head
2) The way you smell like home
3) The way your chest hairs tickle my face when I lie in the crook of your arm
4) The feeling of pure joy that takes over my entire body when I make you laugh so you show your teeth and your eyes light up and crinkle in the corners
5) Having someone with whom I can share all my crazy at any given time, and knowing without words that you understand what I'm saying as only a part of me; it isn't my sole identity, and I am more than crazy (though plenty of it)
a) Having someone who gets upset when I don't share it.
6) You appreciate adorable, beautiful, cute, sweet, elegant, awe-some but quotidien, nuanced things. You allow yourself to become invested in things that are "girly," and in things that are all at once unmemorable tiny and unfathomably huge, and often match my excitement and wonder at them. I don't know if you understand how it feels to have someone who doesn't share in your excitement about the world, so that you can understand why it means so much to me or why it's even something that I mention, but I know that I won't take it for granted in you
Ways I've Changed so that I Feel Like Myself Again:
1) More able to not get automatically upset/defensive/take things personally or too deeply, more quickly able to see things from another perspective and prioritize that instead of my own aforementioned reactions
2) Feeling better and more in control of my eating habits, against all odds. Letting myself be really proud of that even when I start feeling old habits creep, and hardly getting flustered at all when I don't have an exact idea of what/when I eat.
3) Getting better about not dwelling on things I can't control, as well as not exacerbating tenuous situations where I feel like there's nothing I can to do make things better
4) My days are largely more structured and I feel more productive
5) Beginning to feel like a more competent conversationalist instead of getting everything too tangled in my head to translate to words and then getting flustered over never having anything interesting to say
6) Genuinely being okay with a lot of things that at other times I would have gotten distracted by, preventing progress for the sake of propriety
a) Not becoming offended by the lack of said propriety so that it still continues to distract me
7) After a year of being less and less good at letting things go - getting good at letting things go again.
Things I want to Improve On Not Just In 2012 But Now and Forever:
1) My automatic but overly-constricting pattern of thinking about eating
2) How do I stop crying at what seems to me to be the smallest provocation? I have no idea why this started and no idea how to control it
3) Stop being so goddamned hard on myself. Not only because I should stop being so goddamned hard on myself, but also because it makes me self-centered and excessively moody at times when I would have normally been able to bounce right back, at the expense sometimes of prioritizing other people's feelings. Lately I can't control a lot of things I feel. That's how it is; remaining mad at myself won't change it.
4) Try to be able to remember things better. I hate having to ask what was just said, or losing my words right in the middle of a sentence. It's my ADD, I know, but there has to be something I can do about it
5) Make more time to actively make myself happy. I miss the gym, and I miss driving places just to walk around, and I miss my family and my dogs. I've been noticing recently how I don't do much for me, which is remarkable considering how stuck in my own head I've been. I've been thinking about myself and thinking about thinking &c., but not actually doing anything, which is frustrating on many levels
6(separate, but related) Find a psychiatrist. I should be back on medication, no question. I don't know where to start and the thought is overwhelming and tiring, but I just need to do it.
Non-Sam Things I Was Grateful for This Year:
1) Sunrises, sunsets, moon views, sky spectacles - we had the most gorgeous skies this year.
2) Deal sites - my god they were helpful in gift-giving and brainstorming sessions thereof. Also I saved a lot of money buying clothes and body care for myself, and dinners out. The potential is amazing. I hope someday I can use them specifically for my dream cross-country trip.
3) Tea
4) Getting a job, not paying rent. Makes buying food a whole lot easier, now that my student loans have come out of forbearance. Now I can actually have a savings account again, and start to build up credit.
5) My mom, always someone I can go to when I have an adult problem, or when I feel like I'll have a panic attack if I don't calm myself down. This year has been hell for her, but she is still incredibly strong.
6) Great music. This was a good year for it. Okay, so this one is pretty closely related to Sam.
a) ACL and Solid Sound.
Stuff I Discovered:
1) Makeup - it doesn't have to feel like gobs of evil on my face! Thanks, Sephora!
2) My waist. Hooray, curves =D
3) A way to make my feet not smell
4) When picking films to watch, I almost never automatically go for drama/action/horror/suspense flicks, no matter how great they look. Romance/comedy are my default choices; I have to force myself to choose otherwise.
5) Great TV: Community, Dexter, The Wire, American Horror Story, Game of Thrones, Shameless.... I'm probably missing some.
6) I am very attuned to my body and mind, for better or worse
7) God I love sex. Because of Sam, if that wasn't clear.
8) Despite the fact that this year was very rough for me, emotionally, I look back and see a happier, freer me than before two years ago. I've had to be okay with feeling batshit insane, which has been and is the most difficult of all. It comes down to how hard it is to accept that someone (including myself) can love the me that includes all of this. But it's also unfair not to. I still don't - not completely - but I've been better.
9) This year was sad and difficult for myriad reasons. I'm optimistic to a fault, but/and I'm happier by the day.
Misc:
1) I am ridiculous. I will always be too much of everything. Bipolar II Disorder is a big part of my identity. I have someone a family - bloodline and chosen - full of people who love me for it. This year was certainly not lost.
2) Sam. Always, you.