Bipolar Chronicles
Reaching out little tendrils into the internet world.
It's been a rough winter for me. My bipolar disorder is very unrelenting. The thing about it, with me, is that it's at full-force when I'm most vulnerable - i.e., when I'm otherwise happiest. This sounds antithetical, and it is definitely annoyingly ironic. But it makes sense - more to lose, further to fall, harder to crash, and I don't see it coming. Not to mention the fact that this is all purely id-emotional - I can't help it. I mean really, I feel completely helpless to my emotions. One of the worst parts is knowing, intellectually, that I am the happiest and most satisfied that I've ever been for any extended period of time, and still feeling emotionally insecure and doubtful and quiet and distant (when really, I am none of those, and I know it even at the same time as I feel them).
And since there's no real reason for it, and I still can't feel better in the moment regardless of the fact that I know it's not grounded in any shred of truth, there's no real thing I can do to solve it, except ride it out and slowly bring myself out of whatever spell I may be under at the moment.
Sometimes it makes me want to rip my brain to shreds. It's rough being in my head with this terrible dissonance. I get really freakin' meta-pissed-off.
So that's been going on for about three months now, though it was more manageable before January.
I think Adderall would help, and I have for a couple of years now, but I can't afford it right now. And I think I'm okay, I just hate to think that it might take a toll on Sam.
Just needed for vent for a minute. I feel fine right now - I wanted to type this up when I wasn't in the middle of feeling awful.
It's been a rough winter for me. My bipolar disorder is very unrelenting. The thing about it, with me, is that it's at full-force when I'm most vulnerable - i.e., when I'm otherwise happiest. This sounds antithetical, and it is definitely annoyingly ironic. But it makes sense - more to lose, further to fall, harder to crash, and I don't see it coming. Not to mention the fact that this is all purely id-emotional - I can't help it. I mean really, I feel completely helpless to my emotions. One of the worst parts is knowing, intellectually, that I am the happiest and most satisfied that I've ever been for any extended period of time, and still feeling emotionally insecure and doubtful and quiet and distant (when really, I am none of those, and I know it even at the same time as I feel them).
And since there's no real reason for it, and I still can't feel better in the moment regardless of the fact that I know it's not grounded in any shred of truth, there's no real thing I can do to solve it, except ride it out and slowly bring myself out of whatever spell I may be under at the moment.
Sometimes it makes me want to rip my brain to shreds. It's rough being in my head with this terrible dissonance. I get really freakin' meta-pissed-off.
So that's been going on for about three months now, though it was more manageable before January.
I think Adderall would help, and I have for a couple of years now, but I can't afford it right now. And I think I'm okay, I just hate to think that it might take a toll on Sam.
Just needed for vent for a minute. I feel fine right now - I wanted to type this up when I wasn't in the middle of feeling awful.