Jul 20, 2009 20:59
Okay, I haven't updated in quite a long time. I am only doing it now because it's the only way I know how to vent without exploding. This past semester was the hardest of my life. I literally nearly had a nervous breakdown I am emotionally/physically/mentally exhausted. So, I had decided to take the summer off (only after summer classes from hell) meaning taking August off. I thought this was a smart idea for my own sake. I was delusional. If I was in a healthy state of mind I would have known that being back in my parents house puts me back under their mercy or lack their of, and taking a break gives them even more ammunition to make their case about how I am a waste of life and do nothing therefore it is perfectly acceptable for them to torture me.
Some would say my break is well deserved but some are not my parents. So, not only am I still stressed out and exhausted from the past 6 months, but now I am hating my life because my parents are constantly on my case for "sitting on my ass doing nothing."
Somehow I knew even though my parents seemed okay with the idea when I mentioned it, that it was too good to be true. Up until last week when people would ask me "what are you doing this summer" I would say "oh I am taking a break, I am really exhausted and I need to recoup before grad school. Anyone who knows my parents at all would respond "wow, your parents are okay with that??!?" and I would say "yeah they are actually being really understanding."
That was then.
This is now.
I have recently become an embarrassment whose parents regret their education. A lazy ass who sits in her room and does nothing all day. Pathetic because everyone else has jobs and school and I "don't." My brother doesn't have either of these but somehow he is not a lazy pathetic person, it's just me.
I need to get out of here. For my own mental health. I regret coming home for the summer. I cannot wait to escape back to school even though I am not sure I can handle starting class again. I am so drained but drowning at school is better than the life I am in here.