(no subject)
tell me how can i not be angry at god? i want to be full of understanding and peace, instilled with hope and trust, all of which are bestowed by god, or so I like to think. please.
he hasnt answered yet. how much longer?
all the color has rinsed from my face, my hands withered, and my eyes darkened. i feel alone. i need alan to love me. i just need him in my heart. i just need to have the comfort of him in thought. i just need a little give. please dont take this away from me.
all of my tears for this are washed away. i am demoralized and hopeless. at this point, this is my sole plea - please just let me accept this outcome. loving him is no longer worth the pain.
i dont have a family and network of believers, nor siblings to bleed for, only this comparably selfish and non noble love of mine. it should not be so deeply felt b/c it is not worth a pinch, but for me it is everything good in me. it is all i can offer. please dont rob me of that.
A friend said that he wished there was something more to life than just life and death. he was young then. i think he meant he wanted the gratification of heaven and its fulfillment in his lifetime. i'd like that.
is this really the right thing god? are you assuring me that in the future i will look back, glad that i moved on? that despite the profound loss now, i will have profound love later? what am i missing. what do i, should i do. where should i look. i dont want to keep lamenting, but i lament. if it's not alan, then who? then all that i have believed in is nothing. it's all summed up in him. what do i believe now? i am lost.
i will just go and continue crying in bed. it's warmer there.
alan did i have to tell you everything of how i know it's you? if i said it all w/o leaving out a single detail would that have swayed you? no, you need to arrive at your own conclusions. how could someone so scattered and unsure then be so sure of when to leave a person. you finally gave me a reason i couldnt counter, i couldnt even feel like countering.
he hasnt answered yet. how much longer?
all the color has rinsed from my face, my hands withered, and my eyes darkened. i feel alone. i need alan to love me. i just need him in my heart. i just need to have the comfort of him in thought. i just need a little give. please dont take this away from me.
all of my tears for this are washed away. i am demoralized and hopeless. at this point, this is my sole plea - please just let me accept this outcome. loving him is no longer worth the pain.
i dont have a family and network of believers, nor siblings to bleed for, only this comparably selfish and non noble love of mine. it should not be so deeply felt b/c it is not worth a pinch, but for me it is everything good in me. it is all i can offer. please dont rob me of that.
A friend said that he wished there was something more to life than just life and death. he was young then. i think he meant he wanted the gratification of heaven and its fulfillment in his lifetime. i'd like that.
is this really the right thing god? are you assuring me that in the future i will look back, glad that i moved on? that despite the profound loss now, i will have profound love later? what am i missing. what do i, should i do. where should i look. i dont want to keep lamenting, but i lament. if it's not alan, then who? then all that i have believed in is nothing. it's all summed up in him. what do i believe now? i am lost.
i will just go and continue crying in bed. it's warmer there.
alan did i have to tell you everything of how i know it's you? if i said it all w/o leaving out a single detail would that have swayed you? no, you need to arrive at your own conclusions. how could someone so scattered and unsure then be so sure of when to leave a person. you finally gave me a reason i couldnt counter, i couldnt even feel like countering.