What a rollercoaster...
My life is definitely like a rollercoaster. When my feet are on the ground, I feel safe, like nothing can harm me, but when I get involved and get in the midst of everything, I go higher and higher till I know the thrill is just to good to last. Then it falls, fast. And then eventually you're back to your safe zone.
I just don't know.
Alan and I have had many conversations since the "big ignore." Mostly, about what I want. Thing is, he doesnt want the same thing I want. He's made it very clear that he wants no more children. Ok, fine. Maybe down the road I might change my mind. Hell, I'm not even 20 yet... and I definitely don't want any soon. Thing is, I just want him to be committed to me. It's not like he's going out with other girls, cause he's not. It's jus the fact that "we're not a couple." He brings to my attention over and over again that even though we're not a couple...everyone sees us as one. That's everyone else except for him.
He's not affectionate. But, I know that. And I've known that for a while. But, a nice hug or even a kiss would be awesome. For instance, last night.
He bitches and bitches that I don't come to his house often enough. Ok, so after work, I hauled ass out there to spend time with him. He sits on the couch, so I get on the couch with him. He doesnt touch me. He bitched because I usually sit in the recliner and then he tells me to come over there because he wants to "cuddle" but, the one time I come sit next to him, he pays me no mind. So I get on the floor and start playing Mario Bro's on the super nintendo (HAHA) and he comes and lays his head on me because I had the pillow. Ok, so we're close. Woopie, for once.
Then later on, when its time to go to bed, He fixes it up so I can get in, and like usual, rolls over and puts his arms around me. Ok, you're thinking, whats the big deal? Thing is...thats the only time he touches me. And when he does that, it usually means he wants sex. Of course, he attempted to have sex with me, and I shot him down. So, he turns over on his other side and faces the other way. Then proceeds to call me an "Ass" because "I always do the same shit." I get up out of bed without saying a word and start to pack my stuff. He freaks out and asks what I was doing, and I said going home since I'm an ass and apparently never going to change. Then, we get in this huge arguement about how the only time he touches me is when it involves his dick. Which, he knew was the truth. He said he's trying to change that, and he can't help it that he's never been affectionate towards anyone. Well, we bitched at each other for another 30 minutes and I said what the hell, I'm not going to drive home at 2 a.m. and got back in bed. This time, he rolls over and puts his arms around me. I could tell he was uncomfortable, so I push him off and tell him to roll back over. He bitches and moans and does it. So, 5 hours later, I'm laying in bed, still wide awake and having a million things running through my head. So, at 7 a.m. I get up and go lay in the bed in the spare bedroom and finally go to sleep. I wake up around 11 a.m. and he has a note saying that he's going to valdosta to get some stuff and he'd be back. Great. So, I get up and start my cleaning like I said I would and after 2 hours of cleaning his disgusting bathroom/tub I lay on the couch. Finally he gets home and sits on the couch. Not even 30 minutes later, someone pulls up and it's his friend, then after being outside for a good 20 minutes, another truck pulls up. He comes inside and asks if I was mad. I said no, I'm just aggravated.. because I came here to spend time and here he is, outside with his friends. I pack my shit and leave.
Well, in the previous conversations he said that one of the reasons we weren't together is because he wanted to know if I wanted to be out there with him. I understand he can't leave as often as he did because his dad is always sick. That's understandable. But, when I'm at his house, all we do is watch tv... I could do that at my house instead of driving 30 minutes to do that. Ok, fine, so I'm attempting to go to his house to spend more time with him. And then all his friends come over ! That's just ridiculous.
So, whatever. He thinks I'm mad now. I'm not mad, just aggravated. Tired of trying, thats all.
Why is it that everyone is breaking up right now?
Is it that time of the season?
I just don't know.
Alan and I have had many conversations since the "big ignore." Mostly, about what I want. Thing is, he doesnt want the same thing I want. He's made it very clear that he wants no more children. Ok, fine. Maybe down the road I might change my mind. Hell, I'm not even 20 yet... and I definitely don't want any soon. Thing is, I just want him to be committed to me. It's not like he's going out with other girls, cause he's not. It's jus the fact that "we're not a couple." He brings to my attention over and over again that even though we're not a couple...everyone sees us as one. That's everyone else except for him.
He's not affectionate. But, I know that. And I've known that for a while. But, a nice hug or even a kiss would be awesome. For instance, last night.
He bitches and bitches that I don't come to his house often enough. Ok, so after work, I hauled ass out there to spend time with him. He sits on the couch, so I get on the couch with him. He doesnt touch me. He bitched because I usually sit in the recliner and then he tells me to come over there because he wants to "cuddle" but, the one time I come sit next to him, he pays me no mind. So I get on the floor and start playing Mario Bro's on the super nintendo (HAHA) and he comes and lays his head on me because I had the pillow. Ok, so we're close. Woopie, for once.
Then later on, when its time to go to bed, He fixes it up so I can get in, and like usual, rolls over and puts his arms around me. Ok, you're thinking, whats the big deal? Thing is...thats the only time he touches me. And when he does that, it usually means he wants sex. Of course, he attempted to have sex with me, and I shot him down. So, he turns over on his other side and faces the other way. Then proceeds to call me an "Ass" because "I always do the same shit." I get up out of bed without saying a word and start to pack my stuff. He freaks out and asks what I was doing, and I said going home since I'm an ass and apparently never going to change. Then, we get in this huge arguement about how the only time he touches me is when it involves his dick. Which, he knew was the truth. He said he's trying to change that, and he can't help it that he's never been affectionate towards anyone. Well, we bitched at each other for another 30 minutes and I said what the hell, I'm not going to drive home at 2 a.m. and got back in bed. This time, he rolls over and puts his arms around me. I could tell he was uncomfortable, so I push him off and tell him to roll back over. He bitches and moans and does it. So, 5 hours later, I'm laying in bed, still wide awake and having a million things running through my head. So, at 7 a.m. I get up and go lay in the bed in the spare bedroom and finally go to sleep. I wake up around 11 a.m. and he has a note saying that he's going to valdosta to get some stuff and he'd be back. Great. So, I get up and start my cleaning like I said I would and after 2 hours of cleaning his disgusting bathroom/tub I lay on the couch. Finally he gets home and sits on the couch. Not even 30 minutes later, someone pulls up and it's his friend, then after being outside for a good 20 minutes, another truck pulls up. He comes inside and asks if I was mad. I said no, I'm just aggravated.. because I came here to spend time and here he is, outside with his friends. I pack my shit and leave.
Well, in the previous conversations he said that one of the reasons we weren't together is because he wanted to know if I wanted to be out there with him. I understand he can't leave as often as he did because his dad is always sick. That's understandable. But, when I'm at his house, all we do is watch tv... I could do that at my house instead of driving 30 minutes to do that. Ok, fine, so I'm attempting to go to his house to spend more time with him. And then all his friends come over ! That's just ridiculous.
So, whatever. He thinks I'm mad now. I'm not mad, just aggravated. Tired of trying, thats all.
Why is it that everyone is breaking up right now?
Is it that time of the season?