(no subject)
Is it okay to hate yourself? I'm seriously disgusted with myself lately and if possible, I'd like to step out of my body, morph into yours, and kick my own ass. Hell, I don't know if this is a result of the depression, or a prelude to my impending period which is already due AGAIN next week...fuck@(#*$^@*(#$^!@(*#$ but I'm reallllllllly not happy with myself, and most of it has to do with my personality.
I give up to easy. I don't try hard enough. I'm lazy.
This morning I had a job interview. I drove by the place twice this week in an effort not to get lost the morning of the interview. Naturally, I drove right passed the place and had to turn around. I then somehow got lost and entered the wrong parking garage. When I thought I had found the right one, I parked, went into the building, proceeded to the third floor where I was told the company was, and wah-la... I was in the wrong building. Rather than go to the lobby and ask where the place was, I turned right around, went back to my car, and drove straight home. I was so frustrated and pissed, I should have just asked someone. But I didn't. What the fuck is wrong with me?
It's motherfucking hot again. Not even 11 and it's already 91 outside. I'm supposed to go to yet, another interview later today. This one is only a mile away from where I live and something tells me I'll even get lost going to this one. I have a moron's sense of direction. Tell me to go right and I'll go left. Never fails. Anyway, I'm just so un-motivated. Yeah, I want a job. Yeah, I want to be working. But I'm sick to death of looking and even more sick of these dead-end interviews. I really don't know what would make me happy at this point. Sudden death?
Okay, okay, I'm not THAT depressed... yet. Aaron is great and has been nothing but supportive. Even my parents. No one is pressuring me but me. Everyone says to give it time. Who has time. I have the patience of a nat. When I want something, I want it yesterday. So many changes to deal with at once. I'm not handling it as well as I thought. I was so eager to move out and start a new life up here. Maybe I really wasn't ready. But if not now, then when. Something had to give. I had to make a change. I did. I don't think I regret it.. I just think I should have drastically lowered my expectations.
Things will improve. They have to. I'll find a job and six months from now, I'll look back at this entry in disgust for sounding like such a pathetic little whiny bitch. Sometimes, you don't always get what you want. That is the greatest lesson I have learned so far.
...end rant.
I give up to easy. I don't try hard enough. I'm lazy.
This morning I had a job interview. I drove by the place twice this week in an effort not to get lost the morning of the interview. Naturally, I drove right passed the place and had to turn around. I then somehow got lost and entered the wrong parking garage. When I thought I had found the right one, I parked, went into the building, proceeded to the third floor where I was told the company was, and wah-la... I was in the wrong building. Rather than go to the lobby and ask where the place was, I turned right around, went back to my car, and drove straight home. I was so frustrated and pissed, I should have just asked someone. But I didn't. What the fuck is wrong with me?
It's motherfucking hot again. Not even 11 and it's already 91 outside. I'm supposed to go to yet, another interview later today. This one is only a mile away from where I live and something tells me I'll even get lost going to this one. I have a moron's sense of direction. Tell me to go right and I'll go left. Never fails. Anyway, I'm just so un-motivated. Yeah, I want a job. Yeah, I want to be working. But I'm sick to death of looking and even more sick of these dead-end interviews. I really don't know what would make me happy at this point. Sudden death?
Okay, okay, I'm not THAT depressed... yet. Aaron is great and has been nothing but supportive. Even my parents. No one is pressuring me but me. Everyone says to give it time. Who has time. I have the patience of a nat. When I want something, I want it yesterday. So many changes to deal with at once. I'm not handling it as well as I thought. I was so eager to move out and start a new life up here. Maybe I really wasn't ready. But if not now, then when. Something had to give. I had to make a change. I did. I don't think I regret it.. I just think I should have drastically lowered my expectations.
Things will improve. They have to. I'll find a job and six months from now, I'll look back at this entry in disgust for sounding like such a pathetic little whiny bitch. Sometimes, you don't always get what you want. That is the greatest lesson I have learned so far.
...end rant.